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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t get the train.

168 replies

Overcome2023 · 09/12/2023 23:59

After much deliberation DH decided he would go out tonight with people he does a hobby with.

I dropped him off and he was catching the last train home. I stayed at home
with our two children and another from
his previous marriage.

An hour had passed since he should have been home. I rang and rang until eventually he picked up, he has missed the train and wants to know whether he should get a taxi or stay over with friends. Am I unreasonable to think this is disrespectful and totally selfish?

I’m on a really short fuse after a difficult year. I was also previously engaged to a binge drinker and him going missing was what caused our relationship to end so I might be I’m overreacting but I just think this is totally out of order, am I right?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 01:58

Is the taxi driver waiting outside?

Grimchmas · 10/12/2023 01:58

He went out on a Christmas night out with some friends, had a few drinks and lost track of time. This is the first time he's ever done it. Please don't take your past out on him, it doesn't even remotely sound like he deserves it.

If he has been a good support to you through a tough year he will need time off to decompress just as much as you do.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 10/12/2023 01:59

Well I've never heard of a taxi driver saying 'oh well that's that then' if a customer refuses to pay. Most peculiar

WandaWonder · 10/12/2023 02:04

It happens, not every thing is exactly as it is supposed to be in life

People are not robots where you can control them and treat them like a child and send them to the naughty step if they have step out of line, as adults

Sure regularly being totally irresponsible would make me wonder why you, in a general sense, would still be with them

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 02:04

Driver was saying he hadn’t been paid, DH says he’s paid him. I think they were disputing how much it should have been, the driver has gone.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 02:08

Sounds like the excessive drinking may be a one off but leaving the OP having to do solo parenting including her DSC is a regular occurrence so DH can do his hobby

SABM10 · 10/12/2023 02:21

I may be reading this differently to other posters but my understanding is that it's not so much the staying out, as the not letting OP know? Yes, things happen, trains can be missed etc etc but it takes nothing to send a quick text letting your partner (who is at home with the kids and who you know gets anxious in such situations) know that's happening... that's not controlling, it's just asking for common courtesy and respect!

thebestinterest · 10/12/2023 02:39

Who cares how he missed the train?
he's an adult with responsibilities at HOME. He needs to find a way home, and yes, taxis are an option.

I would not be okay with this.

BusterGonad · 10/12/2023 03:04

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 10/12/2023 01:59

Well I've never heard of a taxi driver saying 'oh well that's that then' if a customer refuses to pay. Most peculiar

Neither have I. Most strange.

FiveShelties · 10/12/2023 04:02

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 02:04

Driver was saying he hadn’t been paid, DH says he’s paid him. I think they were disputing how much it should have been, the driver has gone.

Edited

Wow, he was very lucky to get such an understanding taxi driver.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/12/2023 04:51

I used to date a binge drinker so I can totally sympathise, OP.

This is one of my limits/boundaries with my DP. I just don't think a grown man and a father should be getting that pissed to the point he's missed a train and not capable of getting a taxi and has to stay at someone else's house. No. Not happening.

It's totally different if that's already arranged before and he's crashing at a mates and I know. That's fine. But to not show up like that and let you know last minute would piss me off.

However I would just let it go especially if your DH doesn't do it often. Mines never goes out 🤣

Nanaof1 · 10/12/2023 05:31

TommyNever · 10/12/2023 01:24

So he's "never done this before", and I can't see how it could involve any great inconvenience for the OP.

So the real issue seems to be that he's having a good time, something's he's not normally permitted to do in this relationship, and for which he can expect to be punished.

So, you totally missed the part where he has a hobby and is gone from the house quite often in the pursuit of said hobby? Interesting.

fluffi · 10/12/2023 06:35

Nanaof1 · 10/12/2023 05:31

So, you totally missed the part where he has a hobby and is gone from the house quite often in the pursuit of said hobby? Interesting.

Show quote history

So what? DP is entitled to have a hobby! OP could or might already do similar.

If DP rarely goes out and doesn’t drink much often he probably doesn’t know how to “manage” his time and drinking on a rare night out so he didn’t miss last train or get too intoxicated … I would let it go, especially as I would have expected this scenario and probably said to my other half when leaving, no worries if you miss the train cos you are having a good time, especially as others have booked hotels.

He probably didn’t answer the phone initially or message because he knew on some level OP would be annoyed.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 10/12/2023 06:39

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 00:03

Leave the bullshit from your previous relationship out of this. It's totally unfair to compare your husband to someone else.

This

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 10/12/2023 06:56

There's clearly a lot more to this than one night of drinking and missing the train, and I don't just mean the fact that you have issues from your previous relationship. A lot of posters seem to have ignored your comments about the fact that your dh doesn't seem to care any more, that he has not shown you love and kindness during your recent family difficulties, and he manhandled you into the house. Reading between the lines, I don't think this is probably a simple case of a husband on a tight leash.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 07:03

I totally understand anxiety over binge drinking and being late/ not coming home. It happened to me in a previous relationship and I can get triggered due to the trauma of that.

But I don't think that's your main issue. This isn't really about him staying out late on one night, is it? There's more to it. So is it really about him not being there for you this year? Then on top of that, he goes and does the one thing you agreed he wouldn't do?
?

Zanatdy · 10/12/2023 07:04

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:02

Pissing it up with his mates and too drunk to care. We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and he’s never done this to be fair because he knows how I feel about it, I don’t think he’s bothered anymore.

He’s never done it before. So it’s clearly not a habit, it’s a Christmas night out, cut him some slack. Did he dither because he thought you would be grumpy with him?

OliviaFlaversham · 10/12/2023 07:06

He was the one who did something that needed apologising for and he needed to communicate the change in plans. Missing the train is annoying but that isn’t the main issue.

Relaxd · 10/12/2023 07:08

Wow, relax a bit. Yep last night he had too much fun with his mates and not you. If he hasn’t had a big night out in ten years I don’t blame him. It’s hardly going to ruin your life and whilst yes he could have planned it better, I’d encourage you to get over it given it’s obviously a one off.

RedToothBrush · 10/12/2023 07:12

Ok, he doesn't do this regularly.
When you talked to him, he let you know the situation and to ask you what you thought he should do (what you were happiest with him doing).
He did come home last night.
The trains were a nightmare last night. There was an incident due to the weather at Manchester Piccadilly that caused huge problems.

Then you don't trust him.
His hobby takes up lots of time.
You don't feel he is supporting you with the kids.
You have issues relating to your previous relationship.

This isn't about last night.

This is about your wider relationship.

NonSequentialRhubarb · 10/12/2023 07:12

You say "pissing it up and too drunk to care" but is that your spin on it, or did he say that he deliberately decided not to get the train?

If drunk, it's quite easy to genuinely lose track of time. "Got drunk and intended to stick to the plan but lost track of time" isn't the same as "got drunk and decided to not stick to the plan". You can still be annoyed he took the risk and botched it, but thoughtless isn't the same as deliberate.

But even if he did deliberately miss the train, I still wouldn't say it was a huge offence if he's never done it before in ten years. Very annoying and he should do something to make it up to you (assuming it's actually caused you inconvenience) but not that bad.

AnneValentine · 10/12/2023 07:35

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@WhateverMate I don’t think you’d say that if you knew what had happened to me this year. I need kindness, love and support from DH, he knows I’ve been badly let down by another family member and put under loads of strain, I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him.

It’s ONE time.

You are exhausting and your expectations unfair.

WhickDittington · 10/12/2023 07:36

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:11

Maybe that is part of if @bossybloss I'm not sure I do trust him. I don’t think I really trust anybody.

This is your baggage not his behaviour. Missing a train once in 10 years isn’t disrespectful.

HeraSyndulla · 10/12/2023 07:54

You sound hard work OP.

Rewis · 10/12/2023 08:04

I went out Friday to friends house. Was planning to take the bus back home. We drank 2 bottles and realised that the last bus had gone. Since I had to take a taxi we opened a third. To me these are no big deal and kinda expected when going out with friends if it is not every weekend.

But there is a lot more to this story I'm assuming.