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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t get the train.

168 replies

Overcome2023 · 09/12/2023 23:59

After much deliberation DH decided he would go out tonight with people he does a hobby with.

I dropped him off and he was catching the last train home. I stayed at home
with our two children and another from
his previous marriage.

An hour had passed since he should have been home. I rang and rang until eventually he picked up, he has missed the train and wants to know whether he should get a taxi or stay over with friends. Am I unreasonable to think this is disrespectful and totally selfish?

I’m on a really short fuse after a difficult year. I was also previously engaged to a binge drinker and him going missing was what caused our relationship to end so I might be I’m overreacting but I just think this is totally out of order, am I right?

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 10/12/2023 00:19

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:11

Maybe that is part of if @bossybloss I'm not sure I do trust him. I don’t think I really trust anybody.

OK this changes things.

It's no-one else's fault if you don't trust anybody.

That's for you to deal with I'm afraid, it's not fair to put that on other people.

DuplicateUserName · 10/12/2023 00:21

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:05

I wish he’d just arranged a hotel like lots of the others but because he’s faffed about for so long, it was too late to organise anything.

Yes I'm sure staying out overnight in a hotel would've gone down well with you, if you admit you don't trust him.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@WhateverMate I don’t think you’d say that if you knew what had happened to me this year. I need kindness, love and support from DH, he knows I’ve been badly let down by another family member and put under loads of strain, I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 00:23

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:11

Maybe that is part of if @bossybloss I'm not sure I do trust him. I don’t think I really trust anybody.

Then your husband can't win no matter what he does, can he? Other than him doing exactly what you approve of him doing.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@DuplicateUserName I’d have preferred it to this, he was due home at about 11pm and he still isn’t here.

OP posts:
ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 10/12/2023 00:24

We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and he’s never done this

In that case I really do think you're overreacting. He's missed the last train home at the end of a Christmas night out. He'll find his way home.

LadyWithLapdog · 10/12/2023 00:24

It’s hardly midnight and you already know what’s happened and that he’s safe. I’d really let this one go.

TheChosenTwo · 10/12/2023 00:24

If it’s the first time in 10 years I’d let it go.
He is not your ex, he’s a totally different person.

WhateverMate · 10/12/2023 00:25

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@WhateverMate I don’t think you’d say that if you knew what had happened to me this year. I need kindness, love and support from DH, he knows I’ve been badly let down by another family member and put under loads of strain, I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him.

Well none of us know what happened to you this year??

And yes, we all need kindness, love and support but we also all need to let our hair down a little and since this is the first time in TEN years, I think you might cut him a bit of slack?

He missed the train, that's a bummer but it's done now and given he has no history of it, it's unlikely to happen again from the sound of it.

MeinKraft · 10/12/2023 00:26

I think you're pre emptively getting annoyed because you're now expecting this to become a habit. Take it for what it is for now - he really doesn't deserve a hard time over doing this once in ten years. It's the 'what if he starts doing this every weekend' that I think is worrying you but you need to deal with that if and when that situation arises.

TheChosenTwo · 10/12/2023 00:27

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@WhateverMate I don’t think you’d say that if you knew what had happened to me this year. I need kindness, love and support from DH, he knows I’ve been badly let down by another family member and put under loads of strain, I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him.

You weren’t responding to me but this jumped out at me, how is him being home an hour and half late wiping out a whole year where he’s presumably not done this?

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:27

Thank you, I did ask for opinions as I did think I was possibly getting it out of perspective so all your comments have helped.

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 10/12/2023 00:27

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@DuplicateUserName I’d have preferred it to this, he was due home at about 11pm and he still isn’t here.

Oh God, he's barely 1.5 hours late.

You do sound really quite unforgiving and suffocating in this scenario.

Just let it go.

TheChosenTwo · 10/12/2023 00:28

Get yourself to sleep OP, no good will
come from your getting yourself irate responding to this thread 💐

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 10/12/2023 00:28

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@WhateverMate I don’t think you’d say that if you knew what had happened to me this year. I need kindness, love and support from DH, he knows I’ve been badly let down by another family member and put under loads of strain, I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him.

I don't think him staying out later for one night means he's not being there for you though. He also offered to get a taxi home so he wasn't out all night (albeit he was going to be drunk and probably wouldn't be able to do much).

overwhelmed2023 · 10/12/2023 00:29

I think you are over reacting. He missed his train which , not knowing circs was most likely as he was late .. not a normal fe situation to be in. How would you feel if it was you? What would you expect him to say?

overwhelmed2023 · 10/12/2023 00:30

Not a nice situation to be in

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:30

Honestly, I’m not irate at anything anyone has said, I do think I’m a bit fragile and probably overreacting as a result.

OP posts:
1982mommaof4 · 10/12/2023 00:30

YABU he's out enjoying himself, he's a grown man.

LusaBatoosa · 10/12/2023 00:31

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@WhateverMate I don’t think you’d say that if you knew what had happened to me this year. I need kindness, love and support from DH, he knows I’ve been badly let down by another family member and put under loads of strain, I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him.

Is he not showing you kindness, love and support generally? Because if this is just about missing the train, then you are overreacting massively.

1982mommaof4 · 10/12/2023 00:33

Malarandras · 10/12/2023 00:18

For what it’s worth OP I do not think you are being uptight. This is a grown man with a wife and three children, not a daft lad painting the town red with his mates. A proper adult ought to be able to choose getting the train home over getting drunk in the pub. He’s been hugely irresponsible and if he were my husband he’d know exactly how I felt about it when he got back. This is unacceptable, period. It’s really sad how low many people’s standards are going by the other replies.

Edited

An adult should also be able to stay out past the last train without worrying about getting in trouble. Ridiculous

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:33

No, not really @LusaBatoosa nobody is.

OP posts:
FrecklyFrog · 10/12/2023 00:34

I have missed the last train home myself before! Just due to losing track of time when having a drink and catching up with pals. Not my finest moment but not a huge deal either, thankfully my DH found it more amusing than anything else.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:35

@FrecklyFrog did you let him know though? I’m not sure DH was going to bother.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 10/12/2023 00:36

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:33

No, not really @LusaBatoosa nobody is.

I’m very sorry to hear that. This is clearly about much wider issues, then. As such, responses on this thread (which will just be about this issue, which isn’t a big deal for a lot of people) probably won’t be massively helpful.

Maybe hide this thread and start another in Relationships to get some support?

Swipe left for the next trending thread