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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t get the train.

168 replies

Overcome2023 · 09/12/2023 23:59

After much deliberation DH decided he would go out tonight with people he does a hobby with.

I dropped him off and he was catching the last train home. I stayed at home
with our two children and another from
his previous marriage.

An hour had passed since he should have been home. I rang and rang until eventually he picked up, he has missed the train and wants to know whether he should get a taxi or stay over with friends. Am I unreasonable to think this is disrespectful and totally selfish?

I’m on a really short fuse after a difficult year. I was also previously engaged to a binge drinker and him going missing was what caused our relationship to end so I might be I’m overreacting but I just think this is totally out of order, am I right?

OP posts:
dorriss · 10/12/2023 00:36

This reply has been deleted

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Titsywoo · 10/12/2023 00:36

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:33

No, not really @LusaBatoosa nobody is.

Sorry you've had a hard time but tbh you sound a little selfish. It's not always all about you. He is allowed to go out and have fun. He cocked up sure but it's not the end of the world.

Titsywoo · 10/12/2023 00:37

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Rattenbury · 10/12/2023 00:37

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Have you been on the sauce too?

bonzaitree · 10/12/2023 00:38

I wouldn’t really mind tbh.

I guess a taxi home might be £££, but he did say he could stay with a friend so I’d go with that.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/12/2023 00:38

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:02

Pissing it up with his mates and too drunk to care. We’ve been married for nearly 10 years and he’s never done this to be fair because he knows how I feel about it, I don’t think he’s bothered anymore.

So has he been generally disrespectful of your feelings lately given you dint think he cares anymore, or if this the first time he's been such a idiot?

Yes it's bad to not bother letting you know when he should have been home at X and clearly wasn't going to be, and then to put the decision over an expensive taxi or sleepover on you. But if it's the first thing that's happened like this, I'd accept we can all get too drunk and do stupid stuff.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:39

@dorriss what is a non capitalistic family unit? Is the implication that he’s running wild because he works himself into the ground to meet my demands? Would it help to know I am the wage earner in our house?

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 10/12/2023 00:39

proper adult ought to be able to choose getting the train home over getting drunk in the pub.

He is an adult, and he chose to stay out.

Just because you are married Doran mean you can’t have fun with your friends and get yourself home.

OP you need some help before your kids turn into teens and do the same thing - and they don’t answer the phone.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:40

Yes @Scarletttulips i think you’re probably right, this sort of thing makes me more anxious than it should and probably always has.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 10/12/2023 00:42

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:39

@dorriss what is a non capitalistic family unit? Is the implication that he’s running wild because he works himself into the ground to meet my demands? Would it help to know I am the wage earner in our house?

Honestly I wouldn't bother to engage with it.

1982mommaof4 · 10/12/2023 00:42

Scarletttulips · 10/12/2023 00:39

proper adult ought to be able to choose getting the train home over getting drunk in the pub.

He is an adult, and he chose to stay out.

Just because you are married Doran mean you can’t have fun with your friends and get yourself home.

OP you need some help before your kids turn into teens and do the same thing - and they don’t answer the phone.

The last part of this comment is bonkers! The bloke missed his train! What kind of help are you suggesting she seek?

WhateverMate · 10/12/2023 00:43

ilovesooty · 10/12/2023 00:42

Honestly I wouldn't bother to engage with it.

Show quote history

Agreed.

It doesn't take long for a thread to become all about a random silly poster, rather than the OP.

grumpycow1 · 10/12/2023 00:43

It’s bad to not let you know and he should get a taxi seeing as his other child is there with you.

If it’s a one off, fair enough, call him a silly plonker and move on. But if it’s indicative of other disrespectful behaviour then it’s worth a bigger chat.

HMW1906 · 10/12/2023 00:44

Unless this is a regular occurrence then I think you need to chill out a bit. He’s gone on a night out with friends and then accidentally missed the train home…it happens 🤷‍♀️. Tell him to stay with a friend and get the train home first thing in the morning.

OftIwandered · 10/12/2023 00:45

I think after 10 years you should be judging your husband on his own behaviour not that of your ex. Also, there is not much point having a big discussion about this tonight when he is drunk. It is disrespectful to have left you worried, not knowing if he was coming home or not.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 10/12/2023 00:46

1982mommaof4 · 10/12/2023 00:42

The last part of this comment is bonkers! The bloke missed his train! What kind of help are you suggesting she seek?

Show quote history

she's suggesting the OP stop catastrophising over someone being out a bit later than planned or else the teen years will be tough going for her.

ACynicalDad · 10/12/2023 00:46

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:13

@ACynicalDad I feel like I’m being really uptight, it’s just always been the deal that we didn't do this to each other.

In that case, in the words of Elsa, let it go.

Chiar · 10/12/2023 00:46

I think he's done ok. Missing the train, not ideal, but people make mistakes. He rang you, he explained, he reassured you that he had somewhere safe to stay, he gave an option of him coming home and gave you control over that choice.

There are a lot of possible shades of grey, and you're the one who knows him and has spoken to him, but from what you've written I could frame it much more positively than you are at the moment. He's rung, he's safe, he's checked if you need him. I hope you can get some sleep now.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:47

@Chiar he didn’t ring, I rang him loads of times before he picked up.

OP posts:
Anisette · 10/12/2023 00:47

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:11

Maybe that is part of if @bossybloss I'm not sure I do trust him. I don’t think I really trust anybody.

He's never done this before in ten years but you still don't trust him? You seriously need counselling

HMW1906 · 10/12/2023 00:48

Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 00:23

@WhateverMate I don’t think you’d say that if you knew what had happened to me this year. I need kindness, love and support from DH, he knows I’ve been badly let down by another family member and put under loads of strain, I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him.

Maybe he’s been under a lot of strain trying to support you and he just needed a night to let his hair down a bit.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 10/12/2023 00:48

Oh lord, I do hate this word but it's a bit useful sometimes. Your ex has form for this and you've had a difficult year: you're triggered.

That's all.

It's not a hanging offence, he's been in contact, he's safe. He's not disrespecting you, he's just let a night go on a bit for the first time in ten years.

This isn't your fault, but it is all about you. Go to bed, get some sleep, breathe a bit. It's all going to be fine.

Kisskiss · 10/12/2023 00:48

He should have told you he missed the train AND us getting a taxi home without you having to call. If you were a paid babysitter he would have to do that so I don’t see why the standards slip just because you’re married…
it’s a one off so maybe let him off if you want but you don’t want this to go down that slope

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 10/12/2023 00:48

He missed a train. It's not the end of the world. Chill out.

1982mommaof4 · 10/12/2023 00:50

@Scarletttulips I completely misread your comment! 😂😂