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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t get the train.

168 replies

Overcome2023 · 09/12/2023 23:59

After much deliberation DH decided he would go out tonight with people he does a hobby with.

I dropped him off and he was catching the last train home. I stayed at home
with our two children and another from
his previous marriage.

An hour had passed since he should have been home. I rang and rang until eventually he picked up, he has missed the train and wants to know whether he should get a taxi or stay over with friends. Am I unreasonable to think this is disrespectful and totally selfish?

I’m on a really short fuse after a difficult year. I was also previously engaged to a binge drinker and him going missing was what caused our relationship to end so I might be I’m overreacting but I just think this is totally out of order, am I right?

OP posts:
BalloonSalesperson · 10/12/2023 00:52

I know it’s hard but aren’t we supposed to be there for one another? I know I have been for him

Yeah but it's also ok to have a night off once every 10 years.

ButterCupPie · 10/12/2023 00:52

@Overcome2023

his hobby

Uh-oh!

Kisskiss · 10/12/2023 00:52

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 10/12/2023 00:48

He missed a train. It's not the end of the world. Chill out.

You’re right in that missing a train in itself might not be a big deal but he should have called her to tell her ( or at least a quick message) when it was clear he’d missed it, rather than have her ring him repeatedly one hour past his supposed home time ( waaay after he had missed the train)
jts about mutual respect and yes compromise ( but she might feel more prone to compromise if he had Called on his own)

DreamItDoIt · 10/12/2023 00:53

How often does he expect you to look after his son? How often do you go out and he looks after the children?

It's not acceptable that you had to call him imo. That's what teenagers do not grown men with responsibilities.1

ButterCupPie · 10/12/2023 00:53

This reply has been deleted

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Maybe you should put some more tobacco with it?

SequentialAnalyst · 10/12/2023 00:54

The thing about alcohol is that it gets you intoxicated. It can sneak up on you especially if you are not used to it.

I can slip into binge drinking thus: First glass of wine, sociable. Second glass of wine, nice. Wasn't I going to stop after two? but this is nice, just one more then. Halfway through third glass - point of no return, where my judgement weakens and I decided to abandon my plans for moderation. So why not a fourth, when I've finished the third? And so on... Coupled with being unable to sip wine slowly, this is how it used to go.

As I say, it gets you intoxicated drunk. Which impairs judgement.

Aim to cut him some slack. See what tomorrow brings.

Kisskiss · 10/12/2023 00:57

This reply has been deleted

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What’s a non capitalistic family unit?
once you have kids, you have a responsibility to care for them, don’t blame the woman, It’s just the way it is! If you don’t want that responsibility, fine, don’t have kids then

MeMySonAnd1 · 10/12/2023 01:06

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 00:03

Leave the bullshit from your previous relationship out of this. It's totally unfair to compare your husband to someone else.

This.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 10/12/2023 01:07

I seriously wouldn’t mind at all as long as he was happy and safe. I’d be upset if he didn’t come home and hadn’t communicated that with me but I can’t see anything to be upset about here. Enjoy the rest of your weekend together.

Frozensun · 10/12/2023 01:15

First time in 10 years? You do sound over the top. You seem to have unresolved issues around a relationship that has to have finished at least 10 years ago and projecting them into your current relationship. Gently, perhaps you should explore how you can remove the ghost of that relationship from your present one. Yes, he should have rung and that should be an agreement between the two of you.

TommyNever · 10/12/2023 01:24

So he's "never done this before", and I can't see how it could involve any great inconvenience for the OP.

So the real issue seems to be that he's having a good time, something's he's not normally permitted to do in this relationship, and for which he can expect to be punished.

crumblingschools · 10/12/2023 01:29

How often does the hobby impact family time? How often do you end up being the one looking after the children solo, especially your stepchild?

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 01:34

For anyone that wants to know he is now home, he’s not paid the taxi driver and manhandled me into the house when I tried to do so. I’m going to try to let it go but I’m fuming.

OP posts:
Tryingmybestadhd · 10/12/2023 01:36

He would be in trouble if this was me . If this is not normal behaviour then make sure there isn’t any other interest as in a romantic one . Men rarely change overnight without a reason

ChateauDuMont · 10/12/2023 01:37

Once in ten years he is late home because he missed a train and you're angry?

Crikey! Poor bloke.

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 01:37

@crumblingschools more than it should and more often than I should. I’ve totally had enough.

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 10/12/2023 01:37

Doesn't sound good. No slack to be cut now, in light of your update. But didn't the taxi driver insist on being paid?

ChristmasTreeStar · 10/12/2023 01:41

Not paid the taxi driver?? Thats not good

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 10/12/2023 01:43

Presumably the taxi driver is knocking on the door? Yet you're posting on Mumsnet 🧐

XmasShoppingsister · 10/12/2023 01:44

I think you're getting a really tough time on here. And I think you were right to be upset... and that was before your update! Which has made it worse. It was selfish, uncaring behaviour.

Try and get some sleep tonight and deal with it tomorrow. You deserve better and I think you know this 💐

Original poster
Overcome2023 · 10/12/2023 01:44

@ArsenicInTheAppleTart i wish he would knock on the door then I could pay him.

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 10/12/2023 01:45

Let him have his mistake, it could happen to anyone. If it keeps happening I could see it being an issue.

Posie22 · 10/12/2023 01:46

I think if he’s asking you wether he should get a taxi shows he knows what the right desicion is but the fact he didn’t just do it shows he feels like he can get away with behaving like that? I don’t think it matters who’s children from what marriage but I believe maybe boundaries with him need to be put in place as regards to not being late. But on a whole yes it’s disrespectful when people can’t pull their weight.

User1343 · 10/12/2023 01:52

I don’t understand your last post - he refused to pay the taxi and man handled you inside when you tried, and now you’re hoping the driver knocks at the door? I don’t understand any of this.

I hope you’re safe from further dv and I hope the driver has been paid.

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 10/12/2023 01:57

You know what? I think it's disrespectful to say you'll be home at x time and not be home, especially if you have trauma surrounding that. Yes you have been in a relationship for 10+ years, but your hard boundary is your hard boundary.

It's not like you've said, I want you home at 9pm, you've even said here you wish he would have just booked a hotel.

This is more about you knowing where you stand and him showing he's got boundaries around his behaviour when it comes to alcohol, which he isn't really showing here.

He managed to get home, but is drunk enough that he hasn't paid the taxi driver...not exactly showing you that he's in the most reasonable frame of mind.

I wouldn't argue with him, but I would talk to him tomorrow, and say that you didn't like tonight. Next year you think he should stay in a hotel, and you'll see him in the morning when he's sober, because it's a lot of stress for you, and it's going to impact everyone if you're anxious about him, his arrival home, his boundaries, and reactions.