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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think adult life is impossible being single without a partner?

121 replies

ghnbyjh · 09/12/2023 23:10

I've reached my late 20s without having ever been in a romantic relationship. I'm straight but never so much as hugged a man. I've just never desired it, probably a result of low self-esteem and not feeling good/attractive enough, and growing up observing emotional abuse in my parents and grandparents marriages.

I feel like I've slept walked into an impossible situation. I'm approaching 30 and don't want to be living with parents or in a house share which tends to consist of people in their early 20s starting off their careers - but they're my only 2 options. I can't afford to live alone in a flat. I never really realised how essential it is to have 2 incomes to be able to afford rent, let alone a mortgage.

AIBU to think I need to download dating apps if I want any shot at 'proper' adulthood?

OP posts:

nameychangio675 · 09/12/2023 23:14

Buy a place with a good friend. Ive come to the conclusion that the majority of men are twats. Some great men out there don’t get me wrong but why roll the dice if you are not bothered? You’re better off the way you are.

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 09/12/2023 23:16

Of course it's not impossible. Plenty of people rent or buy properties on their own. I've kept a roof over my head all by myself for years!

Keilagh · 09/12/2023 23:18

Depends where you live I suppose. I could never afford to buy a property by myself unless I moved really up north like North East or something (which I’m seriously considering at this point)

PlanetOfTheDogs · 09/12/2023 23:19

Lots of people are single and have their own home. Maybe throw yourself into your career to earn more.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/12/2023 23:19

I agree with you. I’m long-term single in my 30s and lonely in a single bed flat, but I don’t want to live with strangers. I lived with friends in the past but now all my local friends are coupled up, I don’t have any single friends I could live with and certainly nobody I could buy with!

Single life can definitely be tough, especially at this point in life where all of my friends are in couples and many have young families. I often don’t feel like a proper grown up. I also feel I miss out on a lot of things which just aren’t as fun on your own, for example lots of my friends go on regular holidays, I haven’t been on holiday since before covid, obviously holidaying alone is expensive as often a single room isn’t much, if any, cheaper than one for 2 and then even if I did save to afford a holiday I don’t feel it would be any fun on my own. In general I think adult life once you’re past your mid-20s is aimed at couples and i do find it hard being single and often feel like I’m missing out.

Showmethesunny · 09/12/2023 23:20

If you’ve never desired even a hug, are you not asexual?

BibbleandSqwauk · 09/12/2023 23:30

From a purely financial point of view you are being ridiculous. Plenty of single people own or rent their own place. You may have to upskill or move to a cheaper area but it's perfectly possible. I'm in NE and own a 3 bed family house, supporting me and my two children with no gov help beyond basic CB.
The relationship thing is a whole different topic and I think you need to separate the two in your head if you want either to happen.

LorlieS · 09/12/2023 23:39

I became a single mum when my kids were 3 and 6 and honestly - the four or so years I was on my own were so liberating! I learnt for the first time in my life I didn't need a man to validate me! I COULD do everything, including supporting myself and my two boys completely financially independently! It was bloody hard, but also bloody liberating! My ex-husband hated it (woohoo!)
I'm now remarried and it was great when I started dating again; this time I was going to chose a man who I genuinely felt I wanted to share my life with rather than one I "needed." We are both very settled and happy.
Hubby has taken being married to a feisty Ms MyLastName like a duck to water and no - we definitely do not own a joint bank account 😆

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2023 23:50

If you are living with parents you need to be working as hard as possible at saving for a deposit. You need to be working to get promoted as much as possible to increase your salary. And you need to be looking at the cheapest area possible to buy, a shared ownership scheme, or someone to buy together with. You may also need to wait until house prices slump a bit, depending where you are.

bridgetreilly · 09/12/2023 23:53

Also, there are plenty of people your age sharing houses. You can find one or two other people to rent with, you don’t have to move in with a load of people ten years younger.

Either way, make a proper plan, rather than just feeling sorry for yourself.

Flivequacle · 09/12/2023 23:56

So, you find a man. Get married. Buy a home. Have a child. All good.

Or you find a man. Get married. Buy a home. Have a child. Get divorced. Can't afford to stay in home, so sell up. Now you are single + a child to raise and find daycare for.

UncreativeUsername24 · 10/12/2023 00:16

I was in a very similar situation to you, I'm asexual with no interest in a relationship in the traditional sense. I was living with my parents in an expensive area doing a job I loved but was very badly paid, and didn't have local friends I could live with, so really my options were continue to live with parents, live in a houseshare with strangers (which I would have hated), or move jobs and/or towns. I ended up moving to the north of England to a much cheaper area basically starting again. I won't lie, it's tough and I often get homesick a year in, and don't like my job as much as my old one even though it's better on paper, but I still feel like I chose the least-worst option available to me. No advice really, just a ramble to say, I get it!

herintu · 10/12/2023 00:22

Plenty of people manage to buy their own homes without a partner. Tbh being single and not having kids meant I could push myself into my career - no one hassling to see me in the evenings and weekends, no children to look after, which meant I could work late, sometimes work 2 jobs and study a postgraduate qualification to help my career progress. I saved loads while living with my parents - I had very few outgoings, brought a sandwich lunch to work and walked everywhere. Bought my first flat at age 31, the deposit was saved entirely from my wages.

LinguisticallyCunning · 10/12/2023 01:35

Say that your parents are kicking you out and put your name down for a council house. Either that or save up and buy.

Nepmarthiturn · 10/12/2023 01:41

It's expensive but of course it is doable. You save really hard for a deposit and work really hard to develop your career to increase your earnings.

TedMullins · 10/12/2023 01:45

YABU, I lived alone for 4 years very happily. I wasn’t looking for a partner, in fact I purposely stopped dating and actively wanted to stay single and rented then bought a flat alone. My partner turned up and ruined my plans. I earned 45k when I was happily and intentionally single so yes, above average wage but not astronomically so. I live in London so living costs are far higher, if you live in a cheaper area then what are you waiting for, move out and live your life

Redglitter · 10/12/2023 01:48

YABU. Any single people I know either rent or have a mortgage & live alone. I started renting in my 20s & then bought my house. Took longer that it would with another income obviously but for 20 years I've been living on my own & paying my own bills. No partner required

flowerchild2000 · 10/12/2023 01:52

You're still so young, don't be fatalistic quite yet! I'm 42 later this month and I'm single! It can be hard to get by and I've thought a few times how sharing the load would help, but I have had experience with men and lots of abuse so I'll never be that desperate. I also don't know if there's a way to meet people outside dating apps, unless you have a social kind of hobby. The apps are awful though. Just enjoy your youth, be yourself, have fun, don't work too hard it's not worth it. Do what you really want to do. You'll meet someone along the way if you put yourself out there.

whimsicalmoon · 10/12/2023 02:50

It is very difficult, and I look back now and realise how much I subconsciously felt like I needed a partner to be able to afford any quality of life. It led to me staying in some really horrible, abusive relationships.

I eventually started earning more and was able to buy alone in my mid thirties, having ended yet another abusive mess of a relationship, and then the desire to meet someone kind of just melted away? Now I actually struggle to imagine what it would be like to have to share a bed with someone. I'm so used to just going to bed whenever I want, getting up when I want, not having someone's alarm wake me, not having to compromise on what to do or what to watch or tolerate snoring. I actually think it would be hard to live with someone now - I'd definitely need my own room!

Financially it is difficult, though. Things like holidays are so, so much more expensive for a single person, and there's no way around it. I'm not staying in hostel dorms at my age, so I'm paying double what others pay every time I go away. Stuff like that is very draining.

You're still really young, so I would focus 100% on my career if I were you. I made the massive mistake when I was your age on focusing on relationships, thinking I was running out of time to get married and have kids. I really, really wish I'd realised then that what I actually wanted was freedom and stability and that the way to get that was to earn more. I wish I'd realised how much control I had over my life and that I actually had so many options and opportunities. All those nights wasted on Tinder or going to yet another social Meetup that I could have spent upskilling, researching highly paid careers, finding mentors, and figuring out how to get what I wanted. Don't be me!

SawX · 10/12/2023 03:06

Single women are the happiest of all in polls. I will never live with a partner again and I would have to meet someone superhumanly special to even be in a relationship again.

It sounds like your problem is lack of money and FOMO rather than being single.

Justfinking · 10/12/2023 03:08

I agree with you, why do you think so many people are stuck in unhappy relationships! Unintended consequence of ridiculous house prices and the basic cost of living. It's sad.

LBFseBrom · 10/12/2023 03:14

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 09/12/2023 23:16

Of course it's not impossible. Plenty of people rent or buy properties on their own. I've kept a roof over my head all by myself for years!

Op, take note of what ProvisionsOnTheDock says. She is right! I have known many single people who have been content living alone. You don't have to live in a palace, a modest flat, even a decent-sized studio flat, would do to start with and most people begin by renting. You're still young and will earn more as you get older.

Honestly, having your own space with no unwanted intrusions is worth more than riches.

Just make up your mind and go for it! Rightmove awaits you. Good luck.

kiwiaddict · 10/12/2023 03:30

Despite a lot of these posts, I actually agree with you. When I got divorced I had such a hard time (living in a house share in my 30's etc) and when I found out my salary meant I'll NEVER be allowed a mortgage, had no one to be a guarantor for rent on a flat (I've no close family) - and my salary of 19,000 was again too low (about the best salary I've ever had with two science degree's including UoBristol - I actually got back together with my violent ex-husband!

I see some people manage to get out of that situation by themselves, but it's not the majority recently

My situation is now much much better. The distant family I DO have - women who live by themselves - ALL have children and are single mums. That's the route they took, it's not ideal by societies standards but they've done well by it and I'm happy for them. One hasn't even worked for 13 years and she's got a lovely council home!

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 10/12/2023 03:37

Well I've managed to rent for over 20 years (I live by myself) without being in a highly paid job. It's not impossible.

thesixleggedpsychopathonthetrain · 10/12/2023 03:39

House prices won't always be as ridiculously high as they currently are. And even a messy house share is surely better than sharing a home and a bed with someone you neither love nor fancy.

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