To think adult life is impossible being single without a partner?

[ghnbyjh]

I've reached my late 20s without having ever been in a romantic relationship. I'm straight but never so much as hugged a man. I've just never desired it, probably a result of low self-esteem and not feeling good/attractive enough, and growing up observing emotional abuse in my parents and grandparents marriages.

I feel like I've slept walked into an impossible situation. I'm approaching 30 and don't want to be living with parents or in a house share which tends to consist of people in their early 20s starting off their careers - but they're my only 2 options. I can't afford to live alone in a flat. I never really realised how essential it is to have 2 incomes to be able to afford rent, let alone a mortgage.

AIBU to think I need to download dating apps if I want any shot at 'proper' adulthood?

Literally anyone can apply for council housing. They assess you on individual need, nothing to do with being single or not.

Assuming you're all considerate of each other then you can't just do what you want, when you want. You can't decide to leave your dirty dishes in the sink for days, you can't just walk around naked, you can't bring friends home late at night for drinks etc It's not the same as being on your own and being able to do what you want. And worse, living with someone else who is inconsiderate. That's generally the reason after a certain age people don't want to live with other people. I'm sure there's cases where it works, but there's probably more where it doesn't and people are in that situation due to lack of choice.

OP just to send a quick message of solidarity - I agree that lots of culture and society is default aimed at couples and it can feel harder as you get older. It extends wider than just buying a house too.
My only quick thought is to try and follow other folks on social media who you resonate with and/or have actually a realistic life and ideas you can think about to build your own story and life which works for you. I’m not a-sexual but if that does resonate with you (and apparently it is a spectrum) there seems to be quite a lively ‘ace’ community about and it feels quite thoughtful.
if you’re just looking for solidarity and support - sending it!

Of course it's possible!

At least two very dear friends of mine have successfully lived on their own for years. Neither have high-flying careers making big bucks. One is a primary school teacher, the other works in an admin-y type role for the local council.

My friend is almost 40, never been in a relationship or kissed a man, always lived at home. There is nothing wrong with her, she’s actually a great catch. Naturally pretty and very kind . It’s just never happened for her especially as she’s always studied and worked in mainly female environments and has never been a fan of clubs and bars.I doubt she will ever move out as the cost of living is far too high . I know she feels embarrassed about her life as she tells me she does. But it isn’t as easy as some make it out to be. She’s not even overly keen on meeting someone but feels society looks down on single and older women. It can’t be easy.

YANBU.

Coming from a married person.

In response to @Justfinking
The OP is currently living with her parents, and I very much doubt she's leaving her dirty dishes in the sink for days, walking around naked, etc right now! Those are not essential parts of adulthood!

I know plenty of people (myself included) who would far rather share a house with other people, not my parents!

OP: if you're in London, I can understand why you think either renting or buying as a single person is expensive and difficult. However there are loads of older people in the same position as you, and it wouldn't be that hard to find a house-share situation which would be you sharing a flat with one other person (probably older than yourself and fairly considerate/ compatible). An alternative would be looking into housing association places - there is a lot of demand via council waiting lists for homes big enough for families, but sometimes much quicker to be allocated small one-person studio style flats.

If you're not in London, and/or prepared to move, there are places in the UK where houses are far cheaper - both for buying and renting - so perhaps it's worth checking out what job opportunities exist in those areas?

Why would single people not be eligible?

You can apply but won't be a 'priority' - which means waiting about 10 years these days because of the social housing shortage

Yes I agree definitely better than living with parents! I'm just sympathising with OP in that it's fair to think if you work and have a decent wage, after a certain age you should be able to afford your own place, I don't think that's too much to expect or want

@kiwiaddict

Right, so not as the pp said then

Again, it depends on circumstances. A homeless single person would usually be a priority over a family who have somewhere to live, depending on the size of the property.

I bought a house with a girl friend in my late twenties. It got us both on the ladder and we were lucky enough to make quite a big profit on it.

Two issues here which you need to separate.

1. Cost of living. Yes, it can be punishingly high for people living alone. But there are ways to make it work. I have done it for nearly 13 years.
2. Whether you actually would be better off in a relationship (emotionally, sexually, spiritually, socially).

Being in a relationship for purely financial reasons is never a good idea. Money is very important, but yoking yourself together with someone emotionally because you think it’s the right thing for your financial situation is a fast road to disaster.

It is possible to live as a single person and there are a number of ways you can share costs with someone who you aren’t in a relationship with. Flat sharing and joint ownership with friends are more and more common these days for older people.

Before you get to any of that though you need to work out what you actually want. It honestly doesn’t sound like you really want a relationship: you seem not to be interested in sex or creating an intimate bond with someone. If this is the case forcing yourself into a commitment relationship will make you very unhappy and vulnerable. You can have a fantastic life as a single person if you can get past the relentless pressure to be coupled up.

I would suggest you have some counselling before you take this forward.

YANBU

This is a huge problem, single/independent people are taken advantage of or ignored in lots of ways and it's a LOT more expensive to live alone, e.g.

Buy in bulk offers at supermarket
Travel together/couple/family train tickets
Only 25% reduction in council tax even if living alone
Single person supplement for holidays
Anything charged per household e.g. TV license
etc

A recently separated friend who was trying to make ends meet asked me, "do you have to pay in full for all these things?". Not her fault obviously but she had been married since her early 20s and simply didn't realise how much the 'single person tax' amounted to.

But it's not all about money, is it? There is a lot to be said for having the freedom to make all your own decisions without any 'relationship politics'

Many people live on their own some by choice some because they are divorced or widowed. It is possible.

I am happy single and would never again want to live with a man or depend on one financially...

I ended up moving to a 'cheaper' area because I knew I would never be able to afford a house in London and I wanted a quieter lifestyle. Yes, it can be harder when you are responsible for everything financially but many people manage to live happily that way. While you also have people who are miserable in relationships....

YABU and IMO have a defeatist attitude.

I’m not yet 30. Single - never had a man contribute in any meaningful way to my finances. Live in an expensive part of the UK. Have my own house (mortgaged) that didn’t require any third party help.

Saved for it since I was 16 through having jobs (part time, until I left university). Got a graduate job earning £25K (involving a commute to London every day so not a good London salary at all…). Stayed with my parents, paid them rent. Saved every penny I had - didn’t have coffees, meals out, drinks, holidays etc. Got a promotion. Saved more money. Did a hell of a lot of overtime. Worked hard. Didn’t move out of my parents until I had enough to buy my own place (recognise not everyone has that option).

But, it was hard. It took a lot of effort and I made big sacrifices. But I managed it.

If I do decide to have more than a casual one night stand (not had one in years tbh!) it will be because that man brings more to my life than he takes. I’m not willing to compromise.

I made the decision to have a career and a house before I tried to settle down (actively turned people down because I didn’t want the hassle when I wanted to save).

You seem to want everything at once and life doesn’t work like that. Decide what you want more and go from there.

I'm single, always have been. I work, and live alone in a mortgaged flat. I'm currently investigating IVF to plan a baby as a single parent. Its absolutely possible to be single and fulfilled with a good life.

I'm sorry you haven't had a great childhood, but YABVU in your generalisations.

The situation 10 years ago was very different to how it is now! Prices have come down since I bought, but you will not get a studio in London for £200K, and while there are (very few) properties for £250K, they all either need serious work (and so serious money) or they're in sketchy areas where a woman probably wouldn't feel safe walking home at night.

A lot of the posts here are massively downplaying how difficult it is. I eventually managed it, but by the time I bought, I was on almost twice the average salary and needed a side job for two years on top of that and had absolutely no life at all while I was saving, so pretty much every spare penny was going into savings. I bought a very modest flat and even then, I was stretching my budget to the absolute max. If I'd waited a few more months, the rise in interest rates would have meant I couldn't get a mortgage because of the monthly repayment being deemed too high.

So it is possible, but I wouldn't say you can "just" do it, and I totally understand why so many women end up trapped in bad relationships because they couldn't afford to live otherwise.

I think people dismissing you because they managed it is unfair. When I was younger, I could have afforded to live by myself because rents were not so high. Now they are very high. I don’t think you should get into a relationship for this reason. House shares or being a lodger in somebody’s house is probably the way to go, if you don’t want to live with your parents. But many single people I know in their late twenties do still live with their parents so it’s certainly not unusual. Far better to be single and happy than in a relationship and feel trapped because They’re helping to provide a roof over your head

I also think a lot of people have no idea how great it is to live alone because they've always lived with partners or in flatshares. I had no idea that I was so used to compromising on absolutely everything that it felt like a dream to just be able to paint the walls whatever colour I wanted or stay up as late as I wanted to without worrying about bothering someone! Really basic stuff that most people never get a chance to experience.

A lot of people judging are the ones whose partners are the main breadwinners. Not necessarily on here but in real life I find this to be the case.
On another note I know women who have got with someone just so they could have the home and the lifestyle rather than actually wanting to be with someone.

I’m 38, a virgin and just not that interested in finding someone. I am lucky that I live in the east (not northern) but managed to find a small house that was originally a cottage on an old estate so the landlord is not paying off a mortgage or anything (now it’s just in the suburbs) for under £700 a month. It’s not easy, but I love my house. It’s completely mine - I don’t have to think about anyone else’s tastes or opinions. I live my life and do exactly as I please. I’m still in my PJs and have spent most of the morning reading. Can it get lonely? Is it sometimes difficult money-wise? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Where do you live OP?
How much is it to rent a studio flat?

I rented from ages 24-30 and lived alone, it was great.
Wouldn't have wanted to live with others either. Admittedly this was nearly 10 years ago .. so it's probably a lot more than the £430 monthly fee I remember (in the north west) ...but is it still not doable if you are employed and save up for a while?

You definitely do not need to go on dating apps if you don't want to.