To think adult life is impossible being single without a partner?

[ghnbyjh]

I've reached my late 20s without having ever been in a romantic relationship. I'm straight but never so much as hugged a man. I've just never desired it, probably a result of low self-esteem and not feeling good/attractive enough, and growing up observing emotional abuse in my parents and grandparents marriages.

I feel like I've slept walked into an impossible situation. I'm approaching 30 and don't want to be living with parents or in a house share which tends to consist of people in their early 20s starting off their careers - but they're my only 2 options. I can't afford to live alone in a flat. I never really realised how essential it is to have 2 incomes to be able to afford rent, let alone a mortgage.

AIBU to think I need to download dating apps if I want any shot at 'proper' adulthood?

How are people relaying their own life experiences deluded? Between my mid 20s to early 30s I rented as a single person and then bought my own house (in 2013, at that point I'd never earned more than £21k) as did both my siblings, most of my friends (school, uni, hobbies) and work colleagues. Definitely more of us bought alone than with partners. If you're still living with parents, unless you're paying market rent (in which case move out) it's an amazing opportunity to save really hard.

I'm now 35 and don't know anyone still living with parents or renting in mass house shares, again out of a very wide range of acquaintances, with jobs ranging from scientist/lecturer/lawyer to cashiers in supermarket/carers, and living all over the uk and abroad, so it must be possible. I accept there are areas (London/South East) where unless you were earning at least the average salary it would be expensive, but that still leaves at least 75% of the UK where it's doable.

Excluding the money side of it, having been long term single, and in relationships, being single was up there with being in a good relationship in terms of overall happiness, albeit being in a relationship was often more convenient and easier financially (but also involved a lot more compromising), and was hugely better than being in a bad or even just average relationship

One of the main reasons it's so hard financially is because the UK tax system is deliberately designed to compound the inbuilt and unavoidable disadvantage of having to meet housing costs etc on one income rather than two, because you're also taxed far more than a two person household with the same income! This isn't the case in the vast majority of developed countries where tax free allowances, tax thresholds etc are applied based on household income. It's obviously hugely unfair for a household with two adults to have two people to share earning and housework etc AND on top of that be able to earn twice as much before paying tax, twice as much before paying higher rate tax, etc. The best thing single people could do is campaign to get this changed: there's a good reason most countries do not do this!

I’m sorry but saying you earn 21k then saying you moved out as a single person after saving for a few years doesn’t sound very convincing to me. Unless you have an inheritance, an ongoing financial help from family or live in an extremely cheap part of the UK… there’s a reason why there’s constant talk of housing being unattainable for certain groups of people. Isn’t just a case of saving hard or staying at home for a few years on an average or low single income so you can move out….

You need a higher paid job. I got my first rented flat alone at age 22.

When you were 22, what year was it.

Are people understanding that times have changed and renting and life is much much more expensive now?

Like, are people getting it?

« Get a higher paid job »

wow bet the OP never thought of that! Thanks for your wisdom and unique insight 😂

you're right, I completely made up a whole background to get kudos points on a website where I am completely anonymous 🙄

I didn't have a penny's inheritance. I lived in rented shared housing 18-22, then at home for 2 years where I paid low rent but allowed me to save (although was only earning £17k at the time), then in rented houseshare again for 1 year, then bought aged 25 in 2014 (just realised I said 2013 in my earlier post but that was when the mortgage was approved, it took absolutely ages for the process to go through so didn't finalise everything until march 2014)

I've worked part time since I was 16, all through uni (I worked 15 hours a week in term time and more in the holidays) and saved up a decent deposit. I got the highest mortgage available (4.5x the £21k I was on) which enabled me to buy a semi detached 2 bed in a nice condition in an 'normal' area (neither rough nor posh) mid-priced city (think birmingham/cardiff/glasgow). To be fair the price of that house has now gone up to about £180k so wouldn't be as easy for someone, but the wage of the job I was on in 2013 has also increased to £29k so commensurately similar.

I prioritised saving because I knew I wanted to get on the housing ladder so rarely bought expensive treats but went out pretty much every weekend, on holiday abroad at least once a year etc.

not really sure what to say if you don't believe me....I didn't think it was a particularly OTT example, as, like I said my siblings, most of my friends and acquaintances, did similar within the same time frame. Some had some help from parents but not the tens of thousands you hear about on here. I come from a very ordinary background so my 'circle' are generally similar, we all earned the money ourselves rather than being gifted £300,000 houses from parents.

Some bought proper do-er uppers that they improved themselves, some had been working full time from 16 in apprenticeships so were on a good wage by their early 20s, some bought in rough areas, 3 of my friends moved to places like dubai for a few years so they could earned well without having to pay tax so could save...various methods.

I'm not a 'stop eating avocado toast and you'll have a deposit' insister but am sometimes baffled on here by the insistence that it's impossible for anyone under 40 to buy their own home when that's really not my experience (again with the caveat that some places it is. But the SE isn't the UK)

OP, I am really sorry you grew up in such a toxic non-nurturing environment. Have you had any counselling?

I wonder whether your upbringing taught you to survive by keeping your head low, your horizons close and to not take emotional risks. And that this might ultimately shrink your life?

I mean, it’s FINE not to have a relationship, but much more empowering to make that decision as a positive decision based on your general happiness and fulfilment.

Are you fulfilled and challenged by your work?

Truly, I would take a 360’ look at your life and get some support. Counselling or a life coach to give you clarity and confidence so that you feel more secure if you do pro actively look for a relationship?

Well if you are genuine that you managed to do all that on 21K then you are very much in the minority @easylikeasundaymorn .

No, you can't. You can't get a £200K property anywhere in London unless there's something very badly wrong with it.

Yes you can. Quite a lot, in fact. I bought one two years ago and there’s nothing wrong with it, nor did it need renovation. Prices haven’t gone up that much in 2 years.

Of course we understand times have changed!!! Some of us are single and renting NOW.

so weird that you wrote this post

but on another thread you write

**easylikeasundaymorn · 10/10/2023 18:23

you must be able to read the news and see that millions of people in their 30s aren't even (or only just) on the housing ladder, let alone have £180k equity by themselves (i.e. not shared between a couple)
You earn more than double the national average.
You are doing way better than most people.
Either you have a group of very affluent (or financially lucky) friends or they are all fibbing/exaggerating, either way it might help to look outside your very small (comparatively) circle and see the wider picture.

😐

I stand by what I say. Anyone saying that it is easy for a single person to move out independently is either privileged or lying. Case in point above.

I really feel for my friend who faces endless judgement even when the people saying it wouldn’t be able to afford to do so either and the only reason they can is because of family or a partner.

Check out shared ownership schemes

i agree and anyone arguing differently clearly doesn’t ever read or listen to the financial

caveat though… single and paid the equivalent of a health duel income relationship

what is weird is @easylikeasundaymorn on this thread posting a rather different stance on another!

That's it in a nutshell. We place way too much emphasis on romantic relationships. Ffs, this isn't the 19th-century. Instead of asking why someone is single, we ought to ask them why they've coupled up – and if they're sure it's a good idea! With one exception all my married friends are miserable. The happiest people I know are single or childless. I honestly don't know a single person who is married with kids who seems genuinely happy.

It does seem crazy that there is STILL so much emphasis on marriage and relationships. People still judge so much if you are single and above a certain age too. Depressing as hell

i agree and anyone arguing differently clearly doesn’t ever read or listen to the financial

caveat though… single and paid the equivalent of a health duel income relationship

Martin Lewis has been discussing the unfair situation whereby a single person earning 80K is worse off in tax and benefits taxed than a couple earning 40K each. Hope that ends up his next big campaign.

I honestly don't know a single person who is married with kids who seems genuinely happy.

Everyone’s circle is different,but that isn’t my experience. I had a handful friends in my 20s who had awful marriages/relationships but they split up fairly quickly.

All my friends who are currently married with or without kids appear genuinely really happy. In many cases I know their other half and they seem like solid blokes /women and well matched . Of course I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors but I can only go on what I’ve seen.

FWIW the single childfree friends I have are mostly happy too but they are all mostly earning upwards of 45K and have been able to buy or at least rent their own place and travel regularly etc.

I agree there is a lot of judgment against single people. I think a lot of female influencers on social media are challenging that now which is great but so long in the mainstream the narrative has been that you need to be partnered and if not there’s something wrong with you.

It can even happen to men too. I had a former (female) colleague grill another (male) colleague on why he was single during his induction week . She also made a comment about her neighbours who are a “weird couple that don’t want kids”.
This same female colleague had fell over herself to tell me she was married on the first day we had a chat in the office and how “lucky” she was to have been chosen by her husband 🤨 so yeah that’s the mentality some single people need to contend with.

I'm single with no intention of living with a partner ever, and spent my early 30s living at home with my parents while I saved and worked hard to build up a house deposit. No holidays, old banger of a car, no new clothes or expensive treats...and now I do have my own home. It took a few years to save up for, and everything is more expensive when you're doing it as a single person, but it can be done. You just need to have a plan and as others have said, think about where you want to buy or rent if it's more affordable for you.

YANBU living on your own is great but it’s also expensive and in the current housing market it’s very expensive as rent and house prices have gone up relatively more than salaries. A room to rent in a shared flat would now cost more than my mortgage on a 2 bed flat. I couldn’t afford to buy my flat now, even with my increased salary over the years. I’m lucky that I bought before the property boom which enabled me to move up the ladder but so long as I live and work in this city I’m stuck where I am!