To think adult life is impossible being single without a partner?

[ghnbyjh]

I've reached my late 20s without having ever been in a romantic relationship. I'm straight but never so much as hugged a man. I've just never desired it, probably a result of low self-esteem and not feeling good/attractive enough, and growing up observing emotional abuse in my parents and grandparents marriages.

I feel like I've slept walked into an impossible situation. I'm approaching 30 and don't want to be living with parents or in a house share which tends to consist of people in their early 20s starting off their careers - but they're my only 2 options. I can't afford to live alone in a flat. I never really realised how essential it is to have 2 incomes to be able to afford rent, let alone a mortgage.

AIBU to think I need to download dating apps if I want any shot at 'proper' adulthood?

Some of the responses here are deluded. Sorry OP.

I understand and it sucks. It's so tough financially, being single. Having 2 incomes makes things much easier. But do you want a relationship? I also avoided it for years because I had low self worth and my parents had a very dysfunctional marriage. But you'd be surprised, there are some decent people out there. Maybe you need to work on building your confidence and self esteem first and see how you feel. I was reluctant, but I managed to see a therapist and it did help.

Again, I'm sorry about the housing situation. I do know single people in shared housing in their 30s, 40s and even 50s, so you're not alone. I've noticed social media is particularly saturated at the moment with the lives of young, single women who live alone in nice homes, but that's really not typical I don't think.

Yes me too, for many years. That is not quite the same as starting from scratch in this day and age. And don’t get me started on all the women financially stuck with someone. It’s a sad state of affairs.

I'm not in your situation but agree completely. House prices and rentals have increased so significantly in the last few years it's impossible to manage on one wage unless you are a high earner. Only thing you could do if you don't want to share is go on housing register.

Yanbu to feel this way, but don't get a partner for financial reasons. You still have the option of moving somewhere where it's cheaper - surely that's better than getting a partner?
I understand how you feel. I'm single in my mid forties and still don't own a home. But if the right guy doesn't come along, I will go through the inconvenience of moving to the NE and buying a lovely house all to myself and my cats. It's literally my plan.

While you're still at home with parental support, could you go back and study, get qualifications which will allow you to be a higher earner?

That would be a huge benefit regardless of whether you stay single..

I feel rather miffed at your dismissive attitude towards sharing a home. I have owned a house for many years and as I have four double bedrooms, I have had three housemates for the past 25 years. As I am 65, I never let to be people who are 20, as you cite in your post. Until recently the four of us were 66, 64, 42, and 33. Currently we are 65, 49, 33, and 32. So you see people of any age can be in a house share situation

I bought alone 5 years ago. Saved hard for two years. Every penny towards a deposit. Then bought a cheap flat in a cheap town.

Is it more difficult financially ro Purchase on your own? Yes it is.

Is it impossible? No it's not. I know loads of single people who own their own place. Many of them single parents. So financing themselves, a home and children.

When I became a single parent I moved quite far to be able to buy a home. Where you live you may not be able to buy a home on one person's wage. But you can move. You may not want to, it may not be the right move for you but its possible.

Impossible and difficult are impossible are 2 things.

Also single people have varying wages, just like everyone else. a single person earning alot has it easier than 2 low earning people.

So again, blanket statements don't really work.

It’s hard, but I’ve managed it for years. I’m finally in a position to buy something in the south east after 22yrs of renting. But scary with rates so high. Yes it would be a lot easier with 2 incomes. If I was in my native north I’d have been able to buy many years before. Depressing to think I would be close to paying off a mortgage now had I been able to buy straightaway. I don’t need a man for anything, proud to be able to do stuff on my own, and when I finally buy something I’ll be super proud of myself

That's great for you and you're fortunate that you like that. Many don't like sharing and that's fair enough too. Its different when it's a choice versus a necessity. I enjoyed sharing when I was younger, infact preferred it as I liked the company. Now I like my own space, to be able to do as I please and not have to consider anyone else (and also not get annoyed with others which I've found inevitability happens with housemates). I think housemates can be great, but also its easier on your own as you only have yourself to consider

A lot of these posts are very naive. Buy a house with a good friend? Someone ‘miffed’ because someone else doesn’t want to share a house with strangers? Plenty of people buy houses alone (yes, and plenty don’t because they can’t afford to.)

YANBU, @ghnbyjh . I was single for a long, long time - pretty much for the duration of my twenties and thirties, before meeting now-DH at the very end of my thirties and having DS when I was forty then DD a couple of years later. I always say that the ‘life begins at 40’ thing is very true for me as to be honest before that I felt very much on the periphery of life. Things like holidays and even friendships felt out of reach as I had less and less in common with my friends.

Relationships are not just about the person you’re in a relationship with and I do think that fact often gets overlooked.

This is a good point. I always say to women, if necessary, be prepared to raise a child alone or live alone irrespective of what your current situation and plans are. Things change. You don’t know how your life will turn out.

OP, as pp have said there are many people who live alone including those who have a partner. Where do you live? I’m in the north and rent a two bed flat myself but I lived alone in London as well (after years of flatsharing) if you are living with parents currently you can take the opportunity to save for a house deposit. And I know people have mixed feelings on it but there’s shared ownership schemes as well you can consider for the future.

That said I do agree life can be more difficulty financially without a live-in partner. It’s simple maths really. I’d be able to save about £800 if I shared my flat with a partner whereas now I save closer to £300 a month. Even holidays are cheaper with someone to split a hotel room and travel to airport with - although of course you can travel with friends /family. As a single adult with no children, there is a significantly reduced chance of getting decent social housing or any benefits if you’re working .

If you want to find a partner and you think it will enhance your life in various ways including materially, that’s fine and realistic but I don’t think financial considerations should be the sole driver of being in a relationship. That’s how some women end up trapped because their whole plan for living is dependent on their partner who turns out to be pretty rubbish in other ways but they think they can’t get on without them.

Sometimes I don’t get why (some) people in society look down on singles - we are actually out there bossing it, doing it all ourselves! It’s not easy!

I agree with a lot of what you said @Eveningintheafternoon especially in your first paragraph.

I’ve actually been very fortunate with my social circle in the sense two of closest friends in our early 20s had kids and married, but we’ve always remained close and I’m invited to their family occasions/ was made godmother etc. And despite having multiple children, they have always made time for evening catch ups, girly brunches and weekends away and birthdays etc thankfully they aren’t like many on MN who claim to have no time for friends now they’re married with kids!

So when more and more of my friends went on to marry & have kids etc, I never felt left out or worried there was a distance between us because i was used to having close friends with children and husbands.

It probably helps I used to work full time with children and part of my current freelance career is to do with producing things for kids, so I‘m quite comfortable when friends/colleagues who are parents chat about certain things (kids toys, movies schools, child development etc ). They know that I ‘get’ a lot of this stuff despite not being a parent.

And my married friends do an amazing job of not making me or any others feel like the awkward single at social events, like they all break up from their couples and mix individually if that makes sense.

But I do agree generally in society it can leave you feeling on the outside and a bit behind or adrift if you’re not partnered and/or with kids by the time you’re in your 30s. I’ve also began to notice a lot of politicians say things like “we are here to support hardworking families” and I think oh are singles invisible 😅. Society is just generally set up for couples /families and many people become very insular once they have their own families.

People who are saying « well I managed to live alone so you can too » did you live alone in 1995? Because let’s face it, things are a little bit different now?! Rents are higher, COL is higher even when you factor in wage increases.

Also just because you did it doesn’t mean someone else can because we’re not all the same.

OP, yes you’re right. Financially there are massive benefits to being in a couple. For example, you could progress in your career and earn £100,000 as a single person. But you’re still going to be worse off than a couple with only slightly above average wages, because they have 2 tax free allowances.

Organisationally, there are also huge benefits to being in a couple. Someone to share the chores with and you pick up each others slack. Someone is rubbish at dealing with cars so the other take on that job. The other person cook healthier meals so they take on that job. The upshot is the cars are better maintained and the food is healthier. Times this by 100 and boom your standard of living is overall better.

Emotionally too there are huge benefits to being in a couple. When I was single I felt like no one’s priority. Your friends will, quite rightly, put family first. So people you saw weekly in your 20s will be squeezing you in for a hurried coffee every other month. It’s just what happens- it’s natural and it’s life. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. In a couple on the other hand you 100% are someone’s priority. They know almost everything about you and still love you (imagine that!). There’s someone to hang out with and just have a silent presence in the house. It’s nice to hear someone else pottering about in another room for example.

Of course the ramblings above only actually apply to a good relationship! There are so many utterly utterly crap ones about! But if you find a good one then they’re gold! And yes in my opinion practically and emotionally being in a (good!) relationship makes life better, practically, financially and emotionally.

Yep. This.

I bought a nice 2 bed in zone 3 London on my own with no financial help with deposit. This was less than 10 years ago.

I was 29.

A good size studio there is about £200k and 1 bed is about £250k (my first flat was also £250k)
You can buy that with a salary of about £38- £50k

I also totally agree with @Flivequacle. Life is significantly more "impossible" if you have the audacity to be a single parent.

I own a home in a (shitty) little town in the North with my DH.
We are both low earners and if either of us wanted to split we could only afford a bedsit each.
We have children so I might strike it lucky and get a council house (the estate closest to me is horrendous, you don't go there unless you know 'people') so I suppose I would have that to look forward to and my kids could visit their dad in his bedsit above the off licence.
We both work full time, my husband left school in the early 80's with no qualifications and has dyslexia. No amount of striving to improve his career is going to dramatically increase his earnings at this point. On paper I should be able to get plenty of new qualifications but between working full-time, looking after the kids/house and a few health issues it's unlikely I would be able to do much to further my career so here we are. We are lucky that we can just about manage together. It's definitely tough if you are single with limited earning potential.
The other issue is with the current trend to advise everyone to move North. House prices are going up rapidly even in my (did I mention shitty?) little town, in part they are being driven up by the mass migration from the south, we are selling our property at the moment and the estate agent joked about finding us a southerner with deeper pockets to get the best price!! I think that particular ship has probably sailed now unless you move really quickly.
Anyway, after my epic ramble I agree with OP, it's not impossible as a single person but it's a damn sight harder.

I'm you but 30 years on! I've had a few relationships but decided they weren't for me. I don't know where you are, but here in London, 40 is the new 30. Barely anyone is permanently coupled until their 30s and quite alot even later. I bought in the late 90s with 2 friends and its value all but tripled in 4 years. That is where I lucked in and then had a sizeable deposit to buy a (smaller) house on my own. I didn't want a partner but I did want children and so in my late 30s I adopted my daughter - she was 7 at the time. We managed well on my teacher's income and the adoption support I received...however she then fell pregnant and I ended up parenting her son who is now 8. We moved out of zone 3 to zone 6 to get a larger 3 bedroomed house in a more suburban area. I was given no financial support to raise my grandson and had to pay for full time childcare for him for 3 years. This crippled me financially and I am still recovering. Now I can't really manage anymore on my single wage. I still have a mortgage though most is paid off and I'm at the point of considering downsizing to become mortgage free. It would have been so much easier with a second income BUT I'm proud that I've done all of this myself.

@GreatGateauxsby I'm not sure where in zone 3 you are, but in my neck of the woods house prices have gone up dramatically in the last 10 years. A 1 bed flat is now approximately £350k, and I've saved a 20% deposit over the last 7 years, but now no one will give me a mortgage! If I had a partner we'd be able to get one, but no luck on my own! I earn slightly above average, in a so-called 'essential' role.

No, it isn't impossible. I've done it.

If you're living at home, can't you save a deposit? Put all your effort in to it for a couple of years. No holidays, don't spend anything you don't need to. Focus on that one objective of saving.

Then look for tatty, one bed flats or old scruffy terraced houses. So many people want perfect & new, but if you aim lower, and then do the decorating yourself, it can be much less expensive. And fun.

What can you do to earn more? You don't have a relationship, so can you work evenings/weekends in a bar or pub. Add the money to the savings pot. Or start a small business on the side?

Look at it as a 5 year project with very clear objectives.

Could you consider a government shared property scheme?

Depends where you live and what you earn. If you're on minimum wage, I agree. Where I live you can rent a 2 bedroom house for less than £700 a month, so if you can earn at least £30k you should be able to live OK, not a flashy lifestyle by any means but doable.

I'm a single parent, I rent, I gave up the idea of ever owning a home years ago, at the moment I do get UC, but when DC leaves home I should be able to move to a smaller 1 bedroom place and live OK. I could never live somewhere expensive though.

If you're in your late twenties you've had plenty of time to save a sizeable deposit, assuming you've been working full time and not being paying huge amounts of rent to your parents?

@LinguisticallyCunning , unfortunately in a lot of areas , single people aren’t eligible for council housing.

What a strange reply. I was specifically addressing the posters assumption that the only people in house shares are in their twenties. Also I find your assumption that I cannot do what I want and that housemates are annoying also untrue. We all do exactly as we want we don't eat our meals together or entangle ourselves in each other's lives in any way.

It's very different owning your own home and having lodgers to being a tenant in a house share. You still have ability to control your environment, paint the walls, know you have somewhere permanent to live and could ask a lodger to leave if it wasn't working. I am currently single and renting in my 40s but trying to buy, I have no issue with having a lodger when I finally do but absolutely no way I'd move into a rented house share at this point in my life.