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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 10/12/2023 00:03

How long were you together when they moved in. Does your dp pay towards bills and food. You do not have DC together so there is no need for him to live with you, you can have a relationship without living together, but in this case he needs to be kicked out now.

Coyoacan · 10/12/2023 00:06

Good luck OP. It is unusual to see such unanimity on mumsnet.

cherish123 · 10/12/2023 00:09

I would ask them to move out. You can still have a romantic relationship with your other half but live separately.

wronginalltherightways · 10/12/2023 00:11

You are raising your children in a violent home.

Please please please go to the police and/or call women's aid and ask for help in getting both of them out of your home. Please.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/12/2023 00:41

None of your behaviour sounds unreasonable (except allowing this to run on as it has.)

It is not normal or acceptable teen behaviour... and it is not normal or acceptable for a partner to dismiss a physical assault on someone they love.

You are in danger from this out-of-control male (DP'sDS) and so are your children. People who get away with violence tend to get more violent. You are right to be afraid.

Your children will learn about relationships from what they see in your household. If you don't want them copying the older boy (or your DP's treatment of you) you need DP and his DS to leave.

You were assaulted - (you can show damage done to your house and even have the incidents of violence to you documented due to that meeting with school). If he won't move out - do contact the police for help. They can be an amazing support.

Notimeforaname · 10/12/2023 00:44

Your partner doesn't care about you. Get away from him and his son now, it will never get better.

billy1966 · 10/12/2023 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MsLavender · 10/12/2023 01:02

Please don't put up with this behaviour. If you need to call the police to remove the pair of them then do so, your partner is gaslighting you by playing down this abuse and pinning the blame on you. Your children are witnessing this no doubt, I assume they to are afraid of him? You and your children deserve better than to be scared in your own home. I'm sorry but even if you're willing to put up with this shit you should be putting your children first and getting rid of your scumbag partner and his child.

DoodlesMam · 10/12/2023 01:16

Its time they both left YOUR HOME. You have been assaulted - that is a red line. Please take care of yourself.

hellsBells246 · 10/12/2023 01:17

he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit

You should have called the police.

Your 'partner' is useless and a shit parent.

This kid will carry on behaving like this and if he is violent to his girlfriend, for example, what will happen?

Get your cocklodger bf and his violent son out of your home. Keep your dd safe.

Then do the Freedom Programme. Why do you think this is normal?? It's far from normal.

DoodlesMam · 10/12/2023 01:18

get them both out and change the locks - restraining order if needed. Your safety is important. xx

AliceOlive · 10/12/2023 01:18

Ring the police.

and stop caring if it’s your fault or not. (It’s absolutely not). You are not compatible with this man. You don’t enjoy his company. (Putting it mildly.) You don’t need any reason beyond wanting him out to get him out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2023 01:26

This man targeted you. Groomed you. He doesn’t care about you. All he cares is that he has a roof over his head and a woman to look after his child. He’s a parasite. They’re both parasites.

Call the police. Get him out. Change the locks.

AliceOlive · 10/12/2023 01:45

Also, if you feel you can’t look after yourself, just look after your own children. This is not a safe environment for them. Put them before everything.

RantyAnty · 10/12/2023 01:47

As everyone has said.

You are not the problem here.

They are two abusive violent men.

Call the police and have them put out.

LaurieStrode · 10/12/2023 01:57

AliceOlive · 10/12/2023 01:45

Also, if you feel you can’t look after yourself, just look after your own children. This is not a safe environment for them. Put them before everything.

Exactly. How can your maternal instincts not be kicking in 1000?

Ffs!

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 10/12/2023 02:06

To say he only hit you because you went in his room is a disgraceful comment for him to make! It’s NEVER ok to hit someone.

I WOULDNT TOLERATE THIS FOR ONE SECOND.

Reclaim some respect and show your kids how you expect to be treated!

tkwal · 10/12/2023 02:26

This isn't just a bit of shouting and stomping about , this is abuse and it needs to be dealt with. You need to feel safe in your own home and be supported by those who live with you. You should have called the police and its still not too late to do so. Your own children are at risk . I would be concerned about the lack of support from your partner too. Honestly , I'd advise speaking with Social Services local family support and intervention team if you don't want to go along the path of throwing them both out immediately

Louise303 · 10/12/2023 02:41

I would kick your partner and his son out you are not a punchbag protect yourself and your children.

Jk8 · 10/12/2023 02:56

Honestly at this point I'd be selling the house (just to avoid conflict & move away from the bad memories) & moving with your kids somewhere else. Also contact the police to report this is happening & go as far as to request a liaison officer if necessary to safely help you pack your stuff these are abusive people & they (he) will kill you & in the mean time your relationship is over

emsf89 · 10/12/2023 03:25

Your little kids shouldn't havevto see a power play between you and their brother. He is abusive to you, his bio dad has to get him to wise the fuck up he isnt a little kid. He lives respectably with yous or has to stay elsewhere if he is going to be violent and abusive. Teenage rage is normal, but not like this. If he is going to be a bad influence to his siblings maybe he should live with his mum or have his dad be more strict if not possible

edit, sorry get out of this situation while in mediation, if it's possible, or possibly nit within realms of discussion.

EtiennePalmiere · 10/12/2023 03:35

He broke your bones in your own home ???? Get them out !

emsf89 · 10/12/2023 03:39

Throw the abusive kid out, his dad or mum can be responsible for accommodation for him. You don't need to be experiencing that, nor do your little kids need to be witnessing the aftermath.
He needs professional help. Not normal behaviour or teen tantrums. Dangerous. I say this as a person who disappeared acouple dags in a row as a teen, so I was a trouble, a dickhead, but never violent, unacceptable especially as you've other kids and he doesn't understand what he has done.

Sceptre86 · 10/12/2023 04:02

You need help from somewhere. Do you have any family or close friends that you can confide in? I'd call the police and report his behaviour towards you and his dad's. I'd ask for help from them to get them out of your home. I'd also ask them where else you can get help and support so they might be able to point you in the right direction so women's aid for example if its appropriate. I'd speak to your kid's school and ask if they have a family support worker who can give you some idea of where you can get help. This is abuse op and you need to get a plan in place.

Tbh I'd be inclined to change the locks when they are out of the and have a family member come stay with you for a few days. If you don't have any local support and moving away is an option, I'd take it.

You deserve better than this as do your children. Your house doesn't sound like a pleasant home at the minute. Once they are out of the home and your life you've got to be firm. Block on phone and social media and don't accept another man or his children into your home. Put your own kids first. This guy will try and guilt trip you but quite frankly his kid isn't your problem. His behaviour needs dealt with by his own parent. Your priority is your own kids. I'd speak to their school to make sure your partner isnt allowed to pick them up from school.

Maybe get some counselling after to talk about boundaries and self worth. I appreciate counselling isnt simple or easy to get but you've been bullied, abused and hurt and could probably do with talking it all through with someone in a safe place.

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