Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Panaa · 10/12/2023 04:35

The room thing is pretty normal.
The violence is absolutely not typical teenage behaviour, your 'D'P is an absolute cunt to try to make out that that's normal and that it's your fault and that you should put up with it, did he behave like that when he was younger?

Why does the son not live with his mother? Was he violent towards her? Or could it be possible that your partner was abusive to his ex and that their son witnessed it?

RiderofRohan · 10/12/2023 04:44

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:48

School are aware. They have referred for a youth worker. I told them he had hit me. Trapped me in a room. Punched me.
I said it in front of my partner. He was at the meeting. He never said it was my fault in front of the teachers. But as soon as we came out he said “why do you have to make him out to be a thug”
I hadn’t. I had told the truth.
I am fully aware that if I lie to school that’s a can of worms.

Show quote history

So some guy you aren't married to and his son currently lodge in your house. They verbally, emotionally and physically abuse you. You have two young, vulnerable children who are likely getting caught in the crossfire and it's only a matter of time before the abuse trickles down to them (if it hasn't already). This will likely have lasting effects on them and their future/personalities.

Exactly why haven't you called the police?

MrBojnokopffsPurpleHat · 10/12/2023 04:53

Kick them both out immediately. Change the locks. If you lack the courage and intestinal fortitude to do it for your own physical, mental, emotional well-being then at least do it for your young DC. They could be next.

Don't lie about anything else or it will come back to bite you. You need to maintain an honest narrative as they both will gaslight you and others to keep that house and you under their control.

andyourpointiswhat · 10/12/2023 04:55

They both need to leave your house, now. Change locks, put their stuff out, do what you need to do to reclaim your home and keep yourself and your kids safe.

cerisepanther73 · 10/12/2023 05:03

@Mum2bambinos

Ignore the two posters who said if you want to, you can maintain in contact with a relantship with Dp after kicking then both out,

Why on earth would you want anything to do with either of them?

I can guarantee their emotional and psychological, even nervous system damage will be having an effect on your children, witnessing the trauma of all this,
this can potentially last a life time.

Nanaof1 · 10/12/2023 05:06

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:18

I probably should have said - and I didn’t want to add too much because it was so long to start with - I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.
when DO DS hit me I was told by DP that “he wouldn’t have hit you if you hadn’t gone in his room”
I was angry and shouted that it was my house and I would go where I wanted. He’s now asked me not to call it my house because that makes him feel like a lodger. But to me it is a fact.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

The fact that not only is your NVDSS a violent, uncontrollable brat but your NVDP is no better. He is trying to force you to keep him around, therefore keeping you and your children in his and his violent offspring's prison.

You say you are trying your best? Horse-hockey! If you were trying your best, you would have already called the police and gotten those violent, unstable people away from your children.

When will you act? When the SS does something to one of your children? Kills the dog, kills someone? Or when your DP "punishes" you for not kow-towing to his violent offspring?

Trying your best? GMAFB. If this isn't a wind-up or a bad joke, your children should be removed from your house until it is safe for them to live a normal life.

IF you love your children at all, you will call Women's Aid AND the police and get those two out of your house and out of your life. Before it's too late and we all get to read about the tragedy at your house.

SunshineYay · 10/12/2023 05:11

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:18

I probably should have said - and I didn’t want to add too much because it was so long to start with - I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.
when DO DS hit me I was told by DP that “he wouldn’t have hit you if you hadn’t gone in his room”
I was angry and shouted that it was my house and I would go where I wanted. He’s now asked me not to call it my house because that makes him feel like a lodger. But to me it is a fact.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

Why wouldn't you ring the police? Ring them! Do you have any family members or friends that could be there whilst you ask the two to leave? This is your house and it's not great for your sons' development to witness this violence against their mum in their own home.

PieAndLattes · 10/12/2023 05:18

OP, I really feel for you and your children. You need to get those two awful people out of your home. I would contact Women’s Aid and the police so you can do it in as safe and final way as possible. It sounds like the father is as abusive in his own way as the son, and your own kids shouldn’t have to suffer it, or believe in any way that it’s normal.

Dibbydoos · 10/12/2023 05:25

@Mum2bambinos pls call the police.

Tell them you have been physically assaulted and are now being mentally abused.

They will come, they will ask your DP and his son to leave.

Change the locks, get CCTV.

Be rid of these vermin.

Big hug and good luck xxx

PaterPower · 10/12/2023 05:26

This is not normal behaviour from your ‘D’Ps son and he’s merrily gaslighting you by saying it is.

Your DC must have been frightened by the teenager’s attitude and the physical reactions to everything? And what sort of role model are you providing by tolerating this?

Kick them both out, and the sooner the better. They don’t have any ‘rights’ to stay in YOUR home and where they end up is, frankly, no concern of yours. If they can’t find anything else, the council will have to provide emergency shelter. I’m sure he’s got a parent(s) that would take him in though.

I’d encourage you to bag up their belongings and change the locks. Get a male relative to come over when they collect their stuff and/or contact the police if you feel threatened. You can’t keep living with an abuser and his enabling father.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 10/12/2023 05:38

You're scared and you and your children are vulnerable in this situation. It isn't right and you know it. If you feel you can't call the police is there a station nearby? You could call in and speak to someone and they can help. It doesn't need to be an argument about them leaving where "D"P refuses to go and challenges you to call the police. He may make out it's all your fault and you're unreasonable or he may do a complete about turn and apologise and beg to stay. Or he'll go when asked. You'll need to stand firm.

Clearly whatever happened to this boy's mother will have impacted him, but his behaviour is completely unacceptable and his father is not parenting him and blaming you instead. You can't live like this and nor should your children.

Sceptre86 · 10/12/2023 05:47

Posted on wrong page, ignore.

Pugdays · 10/12/2023 06:03

What happened in your life prior to this ..
That you think this kind of abuse is normal
Do u usually let people use you as a doormat
I'm actually thinking this can't be a real thread ,no one would put up with this in their own home .
Clearly those two ,DP and son need to leave asap .
You need to kick the pair of them out

Suusue · 10/12/2023 06:24

Seriously get rid of both of them. Your house. What is this doing to your own children too?. Get rid of them both.

Lovelycupofcoffee · 10/12/2023 06:44

I’m not sure why they are both still living in your house. They both need to go now . Is this thread real as I could never let people live with my children in my house like this .

ImWally6 · 10/12/2023 06:46

Is this for real??

Get them out today if possible. Your poor children.

Really not normal behaviour from dad or.ss

ohdamnitjanet · 10/12/2023 06:52

If my own ds broke my fingers he’d be out of my house so fast his feet wouldn’t touch the floor, especially with smaller children in the house at risk from him. I’m finding this post quite hard to believe.

TheaBrandt · 10/12/2023 06:59

Sadly puts me in mind of that awful case in wales where the “partner” and his teenage son killed a little boy. The mother was jailed too I think. He ended up in a river.

Where is your children’s father? Does he know the reality of the home environment you have created for your children?

Sadza · 10/12/2023 07:01

Your priority is your children. How do they feel sharing their home with a violent bully?

mumedu · 10/12/2023 07:05

I have teenagers. This is not normal behaviour at all. The boy needs serious counselling. What did your DP do after you were assaulted? I wouldn't want to live in fear of assault in my own home.

2mummies1baby · 10/12/2023 07:11

Your poor children must be terrified of him. You must, must involve the police and get them to leave for the sake of your own children.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 10/12/2023 07:12

I'm absolutely shocked and actually worried for you.
The fact that the ds physically assaults you with no consequences is mind blowing.
He's broken your finger, punched you, left bruises and physically stopped you leaving the bedroom whilst trying to smash you over the head with a remote control, absolutely horrifying.
I'd be worried that at some point he's going to put your life at risk, he's going for your head using the remote as a weapon to inflict pain and damage.
What happens if the next time, and there will be a next time, he goes for your throat or picks up something heavier as a weapon?
It takes some big balls for a teenager to assault an adult in their own home.
There's only one thing to do and that's ring the police, tell them everything, tell them about the violence, they refuse to leave your home, that you're actually terrified in your own home, that you have two younger DC.
Ask them to come round and escort them out, don't do it on your own, then change the locks, block everywhere and yes get a doorbell cam, you can get them pretty cheaply, if you're on good terms with your ndn tell them what's going and ask them if they see or heat anything to call the police.
Do it now op, ring the police.
I'm seriously worried for you

AllEars112232 · 10/12/2023 07:32

I’m worried for your safety @Mum2bambinos .
iknow you’ve got more important things to do right now but when you have a moment please let us know you’re okay. Take care

Jamjaris · 10/12/2023 08:51

@Mum2bambinos I can understand you are scared and have been convinced everything is all your fault, that man is enabling his son to use you as his punchbag and when you expect support from him he is deflecting the blame on you. He has you convinced he loves you so you’re taking the blame and walking on eggshells waiting for the next attack.
You need to involve the police, if you have no one to help you Chuck them out then you are going to have to be sneaky. Get someone to change your locks whilst both of them are out. Place everything of theirs in bin liners and chuck it out from your upstairs windows. When they come back threatening you to let them in you can call police (you will have already informed them of the abuse by this time) and let them go homeless or find another woman to accommodate them. Don’t let them back in whatever you do!

MrsMarzetti · 10/12/2023 08:55

@Mum2bambinos Please let us know that you are and your two children are still alive this morning. I am seriously worried i will be reading newspaper headlines about 2 children and their Mother killed in their own home.

Swipe left for the next trending thread