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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 22:04

I’m sure it’s already been said but this is going to lead to violence towards your children.

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 22:05

I think once you start to process what's really going on in your relationship, you'll find there's far more abuse than this. I would bet he's financially abusive, too and isn't nice to your children. I'd also bet that you are walking on eggshells around him.

Please get help, OP. You've done the difficult bit in admitting to yourself how horrendous this is.

huggyhoo · 09/12/2023 22:06

I grew up with a brother who was violent to my parents. He was removed when he was 17 (I was 9) and it has still has a lasting effect on me and my nervous system. Your DC need to feel safe in their own home. I still remember the feeling of relief when he had gone. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids.

Bonjovispjs · 09/12/2023 22:07

Breaking someone's fingers is normal teenage behaviour? I don't think so, get rid of both of them today.

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2023 22:12

Please tell them to leave

Keep yourself and your DC safe.

Please ring the police if they refuse to leave

Gymnopedie · 09/12/2023 22:15

the answer to all of those questions is because I am scared. Worried. Self doubting. convinced by others that the problem is me

And I wonder who are the 'others'? Give me a minute to think about it...nope, didn't need a minute. It's those two who are making you doubt yourself because they don't want to lose out on all the conveniences they get from living with you.

convinced by others that the problem is me

My contribution to this thread?

OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you. OP the problem is not you.

I can keep this up all night if need be.

Get them out. Call the police.

PrimalOwl10 · 09/12/2023 22:17

What if your dd is next op?

grumpycow1 · 09/12/2023 22:19

You are being abused mentally and emotionally by your DP and now physically by your stepson.

Please get them out of your house before he moves on to not just terrorising you but starts on your children. I’d be so terrified to leave him alone with DD too, she is getting to such a vulnerable age with puberty etc.

Please speak to someone, the police, safeguard person at the school, Womens Aid. None of this is your fault but you have to prioritise your kids now. Get them both gone.

Noodleface99 · 09/12/2023 22:19

Oh wow, literally read this on shock. How could you have even questioned if this was normal behaviour. I feel so sorry for your children, I just hope your DSS’s behaviour doesn’t rub off on them it’s been going on for that long. You are being abused and you need to get yourself out of this situation now.

Richard1985 · 09/12/2023 22:20

This is awful to read. You should get him and his PoS father out of your life immediately

please also bear in mind that your 11 year old son will soon be bigger and physically stronger than you. Do you really want him exposed to an environment where it is acceptable that you (and any other female) can be assaulted when he is unhappy with something you have done?

NorthernAttitude · 09/12/2023 22:20

Please please get out. For you. For your children. Your life would be so much better without living like this. They are both bullies. He broke your fingers. This is absolutely not normal.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 22:21

OP I am sending you a huge huge hug.

I am so so sorry these awful men have made you feel the problem is you.

It absolutely isn’t you.

It is 100% them. They are monsters. The behaviour is horrific.

Please seek help immediately to begin the process of their removal from your life and your kids lives.

You deserve so much better. So do your children. You will get past this.

Merryandbright1170 · 09/12/2023 22:21

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:48

School are aware. They have referred for a youth worker. I told them he had hit me. Trapped me in a room. Punched me.
I said it in front of my partner. He was at the meeting. He never said it was my fault in front of the teachers. But as soon as we came out he said “why do you have to make him out to be a thug”
I hadn’t. I had told the truth.
I am fully aware that if I lie to school that’s a can of worms.

Show quote history

So your DP had a go at you for telling the truth about his son. He does not seem one bit remorseful or sorry that his son did this to you. Has your DP ever been abusive towards you? Physically or not? It seems the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

WhistPie · 09/12/2023 22:23

Can your DC go and live with their father? Surely they'll be safer there.

Stiritscrapeitmakeitbakeit · 09/12/2023 22:23

I will not let this happen again

If it were that easy, OP, you'd never have "let it happen" in the first place.

You can't stop violent people being violent. The only way you can make sure it never happens again is by getting both men out of your house. It is actually upsetting to read all of this, and to fear that nothing is going to change. Your children are at risk. Either you and your children have to leave, or this man and his son have to.

Whatever the meeting was, it clearly wasn't about the welfare of your own children. I suspect that if you told their school safeguarding lead (or even their class teacher), the response would be different.

Left · 09/12/2023 22:24

Please call the police and get them out.

My child is older than your stepson and this is not normal behaviour.

Temporaryname158 · 09/12/2023 22:26

Call the police and notify them of the violence you have suffered. Ask for their help removing your abusive partner. Inform social services.

take a day off work when your partner is at work. Have arranged to have a ring doorbell installed. A removal van to come and take his stuff to storage where you will have paid for 1 month only. And get someone to come and change your locks.

once he’s out the house you do not need to give him entry to your home so change the locks and call the police if he try’s to gain entry

Avatartar · 09/12/2023 22:27

I’ll keep this short- if you a fully grown adult is scared of him - how the F…… H… do you think your small primary school children feel - terrified, traumatised and ALONE WITH NO ONE TO TURN TO COZ YOU’RE NOT PROTECTING THEM! wake up and evict these brutes.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 09/12/2023 22:30

Sorry, but I agree with others - I would be kicking DP and his nasty son out the door, and they wouldn't be coming back.

You do not have to put up with this appalling behaviour, and if your DP won't accept that is what it is then he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Your own DC shouldn't have to put up with this either.

BestZebbie · 09/12/2023 22:31

  1. Unwashed pants and pizza boxes - par for the course, and you are correct that your DP should be telling him/helping him to keep on top of it so that it doesn't get too out of control.

  2. Your supposed "double standards" for the children - it doesn't sound as if they are actually treated differently, but they ought to be, because DSS is 16 and they are tweens. He should be putting the finishing touches to his life skills and organisation ready such that he could move out (even if only part-time/with oversight) and fend for himself within the next two years, they are just starting to practice those practical life skills as they leave primary school.

  3. Deliberately destroying his wardrobe, walls and showing physical aggression to you is not "normal", and is 100% unacceptable. As you are scared of him, and he has already shown that he is entirely willing to actually carry out an attack on someone else in the family to the point where their bones are broken, you can't continue to have him living with you and you certainly can't have him around your children! He needs to move out, and your DP therefore also needs to move out to live with him - DP can come back for a family dinner some nights but DSS cannot.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 09/12/2023 22:34

I've just read your updates OP. You do need to go to the police if that is what it takes to get this awful pair out of your house. You are not at fault at all, please try to rid yourself of that idea.

LaylaLayla1 · 09/12/2023 22:34

I haven’t read everyone else’s response only yours OP, but I cannot believe you haven’t called the police. You are being abused by your DP and his son.
Your children shouldn’t be witnessing this.

You are NOT the problem here, you are NOT making a mountain out of a molehill. Get them the fuck out of your house NOW, TONIGHT, and if you have to call the police then so be it.

Protect yourself and your children because eventually they will be in the receiving end of the abuse.

Hickry · 09/12/2023 22:36

This is horrifying to read op.

Have you tried to read it to yourself, as if it were someone you knew who had posted it? What would you think and feel for the person who had written it? What would your concerns be for her and her younger children? 😔

📌You are being abused by them both.
📌This is not normal teen behaviour.
📌You are not the problem.

You're in a great position in that the house is yours and you don't have joint children.

Get him out to work one day, change the locks, get a video doorbell, stick their stuff somewhere safe and say goodbye to feeling in danger in your own home. Never let them across your doorstep again.

Backtoblack1 · 09/12/2023 22:38

I’d be showing both of them the door. No way would I put up with being assaulted in my own home. You need to phone the police if he lays a finger on you again. Your children must be upset by his behaviour too.

LakieLady · 09/12/2023 22:39

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:45

@ButterCupPie I promise I am listening… I am reading everything and trying process it. I will not let this happen again.
I think I just needed to hear that my instinct was right.
when you are constantly fed a narrative of “this is your fault… this is normal” it is hard to see for the fog.

Show quote history

It's hard to see because your DP is gaslighting you to believe that this is normal behaviour, or that you are somehow to blame, OP.

But it's not normal and you are not to blame. It's not normal for a child to punch holes in walls or assault a step-parent so violently that they end up with broken bones. Ffs, it's not even normal to leave body fluids all over the furniture! Your DP's child is an abusive little shit and your DP is little better for trying to convince you otherwise.

You don't have to put up with this. More importantly, your children shouldn't be growing up in an environment where this is treated as normal and where they can see and hear their mother being assaulted. If you can't get shot of DP and his son for your own sake, do it for your children's sake. They must be terrified.

Women's Aid, and police. Good luck.

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