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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepson behaviour

409 replies

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 18:22

I think I just need an outside view of my situation…

Lived with DP for 4.5yrs. He is not the dad to my children (DD10 and DS11). DP DS (16) lives with us full time. We all live in the house I bought before we were together.

DP DS behaves horrendously at school and at home. If me or DP pull him up on his behaviour we are shouted at and called names; his behaviour has escalated twice in the last two months whereby he has broken my fingers; punched me and left bruises on my hands and face. He trapped me in his bedroom and attempted to smash me over the head with TV remote whilst blocking my exit.

I now avoid challenging any of DP DS behaviour because if I am honest.. I am scared of him.

he has punched holes in the walls. Smashed his built in wardrobes up; kicked the baby gate of the wall.

Last week I went into his room while he was at school to put his clean washing on his bed. His bedroom shocked me. It was so dirty and untidy. Filthy.
Pizza boxes stacked up in the corner; food all over the floor; dirty washing; stains of goodness knows what (I think I know ✊🏼💦) on his bedding and bed frame. It was horrible.
I cried. I have worked so hard for this house. And I feel like he has vandalised it. the wardrobes are all still broken. holes still in the walls.

I darent ask DP DS to tidy his room because he will kick off. So I asked DP to have a word. DP then got angry with me saying I tidy my DD and DS room when they get messy. And that I don’t have a word with them about the mess. This is completely untrue. I make them do their rooms and I make them help me. But sometimes it gets to a point where it just needs a grown up to intervene. And as DP DSs parent - DP should help him or do it for him.
this argument turned into a huge fight and I was left sobbing.
I was told I don’t treat everyone the same.. this isn’t true I buy them all things.. if I buy a bag of sweets for one everyone gets one.
the only thing that I don’t buy is birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t buy for my DD and DS and I don’t buy for his.
He told me it was typical teenager behaviour and his favourite line in these situations is “you have all this to come). But I don’t think it is. It isn’t normal to punch your parents. Or leave your bodily fluids on your bed frame. Or refuse to bring underpants down to wash and so he has been rewearing them…

Am I wrong to feel I am being blamed for asking him to tidy his room when I think it is a basic respect thing? Am I wrong to be so hurt by his behaviour toward me and my house?

sorry for the essay… once I started I couldn’t stop 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Onceuponaheartache · 09/12/2023 21:44

You need to get them both out of your home.

Call the police, call womens aid, call a friend with a burly bouncer esq husband, but get them out before this little bastard does worse to you or one of your kids.

Talk to the safeguarding lead at your kids school, they WILL help!!!

StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 21:45

Hard agree that you need to remove them from your home, OP.

Apart from, obviously, not being OK for you to be abused like that, it's awful that your kids have to see it/be around it. What an awful position they are in when another child can break their Mum's bones and it be hushed over and accepted!!

Put yourself and your kids first, OP. Call the Police if needed but get them out and change the locks.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:45

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 21:41

I've got a scary feeling that the OP is just going to put the lid back on the can of worms that she has opened, and just go 'la la la can't hear you' to all of us. And something awful will happen, or a number of lives harmed.

@ButterCupPie I promise I am listening… I am reading everything and trying process it. I will not let this happen again.
I think I just needed to hear that my instinct was right.
when you are constantly fed a narrative of “this is your fault… this is normal” it is hard to see for the fog.

OP posts:
StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 21:46

Onceuponaheartache · 09/12/2023 21:44

You need to get them both out of your home.

Call the police, call womens aid, call a friend with a burly bouncer esq husband, but get them out before this little bastard does worse to you or one of your kids.

Talk to the safeguarding lead at your kids school, they WILL help!!!

This is my point, OP - if the kid can do that to you he will think nothing of hurting your kids.

It's your job to protect them.

Grimbelina · 09/12/2023 21:47

If you can't do it for yourself (and you should) then you need to get both your partner and your son out of your house for the sake of your children. At least you aren't married and don't share a child, you can have a clean break, take care of your children.

They no doubt have some trauma from what they have experienced and you need to think about how you are going to keep them and yourself safe for the rest of their childhood (you can never let someone like this into your life again).

Call the police before something even worse happens. You owe this to your children.

Katbum · 09/12/2023 21:47

The mess is one degree or another of normal teenage grossness. The violence needs immediate address and I can’t believe your DP is allowing this to continue. If it were me I would not be having that violence in my home/around my children and stepson would be out on his ear.

Original poster
Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:48

Onceuponaheartache · 09/12/2023 21:44

You need to get them both out of your home.

Call the police, call womens aid, call a friend with a burly bouncer esq husband, but get them out before this little bastard does worse to you or one of your kids.

Talk to the safeguarding lead at your kids school, they WILL help!!!

School are aware. They have referred for a youth worker. I told them he had hit me. Trapped me in a room. Punched me.
I said it in front of my partner. He was at the meeting. He never said it was my fault in front of the teachers. But as soon as we came out he said “why do you have to make him out to be a thug”
I hadn’t. I had told the truth.
I am fully aware that if I lie to school that’s a can of worms.

OP posts:
Neelsplace · 09/12/2023 21:49

Ah tell them both to fuck the fuck off out of your house. Live in peace.

samqueens · 09/12/2023 21:50

Oh my God OP - please, for the sake of your well being and your children, end this relationship and ask this man to leave. There is nothing approaching acceptable or normal in this behaviour and the fact that your DP would make any attempt of any kind to justify it means it will never change. Your home should not be trashed, your children should not be witnessing this. It’s just terrible.

This is your home. This man and his son have no rights to it. Please call Women’s Aid for support and make a concrete plan as to how you will get him to leave.

Imagine a peaceful Christmas and new year, just you and your children… please don’t go on like this.

You might want to read the Lundy Bancroft books Why Does He Do That? (You can download on Apple Books/kindle app on your phone if your partner doesn’t have access to it).

Please don’t carry on living like this. You’re in an amazing position to have a home he doesn’t have control over - you can do this without him and your children will be so grateful not to have to witness this it must terrify them.

There’s lots of support here so keep posting and please - make a plan to be free of this.
Wishing you every shred of nerve and gumption you will need to put this behind you 💐💐💐

NotManyDaysTilChristmas · 09/12/2023 21:51

The kid has physically assaulted you and he couldn’t care less about your home or you and your children. His dad is scared of him too by the sound of it, it is NOT normal behaviour for a teenager. I guess he will be on the road to mental health crises but that does not give him the excuse to hurt you. Call the police if he comes near you again. Personally I’d tell them both to leave, like tomorrow, your children shouldn’t have to live like this, neither should you, it will only get worse. You’ll feel a huge sense of relief once they are gone I’m sure.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 09/12/2023 21:51

This is your home, you absolutely should not be putting up with that from DSS or DP! He's broken your fingers? Assaulted you? Call the police and have him charged. If your DP sticks by DSS then you are better off out of it all

FrazzledDragon · 09/12/2023 21:51

That's how abusive relationships work. You doubt yourself, accept things you shouldn't, feel lost and trapped and uncertain... It's all part of it. It's not your fault. You're being abused. And that's hard to process. But you've got two kids that you need to safeguard, and you shouldn't be afraid in your own home. Call the police, contact woman's aid, get some help and support to get them out of your home.

Pelham678 · 09/12/2023 21:52

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 21:45

@ButterCupPie I promise I am listening… I am reading everything and trying process it. I will not let this happen again.
I think I just needed to hear that my instinct was right.
when you are constantly fed a narrative of “this is your fault… this is normal” it is hard to see for the fog.

Show quote history

This is why you need some outside support: Women's Aid/the police/a therapist specialising in DV etc.

How are you going to make sure this doesn't happen again if he is still living with you? I'm afraid you can't OP.

samqueens · 09/12/2023 21:52

FrazzledDragon · 09/12/2023 21:51

That's how abusive relationships work. You doubt yourself, accept things you shouldn't, feel lost and trapped and uncertain... It's all part of it. It's not your fault. You're being abused. And that's hard to process. But you've got two kids that you need to safeguard, and you shouldn't be afraid in your own home. Call the police, contact woman's aid, get some help and support to get them out of your home.

This x100

Jaxhog · 09/12/2023 21:53

This almost sounds like DA by proxy. If DS has broken your fingers, then it is past time for the police to be involved. If your DP doesn't intervene to protect you, then you have no choice.

mamabelli · 09/12/2023 21:55

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!! It is DV and you should have called the police. They need to leave your home immediately.

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 21:56

@NotManyDaysTilChristmas

His dad is scared of him too by the sound of it, it is NOT normal behaviour for a teenager. I guess he will be on the road to mental health crises

He wants locking up, as my parents would have said.

huggyhoo · 09/12/2023 21:57

They need to go OP. He will start on your DCs next.

eardefender · 09/12/2023 21:57

This is horrendous, please ask for help op and get your kids away from this now, they will already have been seriously damaged by this and you need help to get rid of these two abusers. Please call the police and women’s aid and the kids schools and tell them all that is going on. Please send your kids to their dads or anyone else so that they are safe. They are only little it’s upsetting to think of what they are going through. Please be careful op, they are likely to get nasty of they know that they are out and the meal ticket is over.

FairlySane · 09/12/2023 21:58

@Mum2bambinos you need to get both of them out of you and your children’s lives. The stepson will get bigger and stronger as he gets older and his father will not protect you or your children.
I feel very worried about this situation and I feel frightened for you. Please protect yourself and keep safe. Please Please phone the police when he threatens you and before he assaults you again.

notmorezoom · 09/12/2023 21:58

So you're putting a nasty man and his nasty violent son ahead of the needs of your poor kids? FFS woman. Call the police and change the locks while they are out.

xmassy · 09/12/2023 21:59

My brother was mentally (and possibly physically) abused by my father and stepmother. He moved in with my mother, stepfather and me when he was 15 and I was 12. He was very troubled and went on to assault me physically and sexually.

If you won't remove them for your sake, do it for your children's. You have no idea what he could be doing to them right now. My parents never knew.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 22:00

Mum2bambinos · 09/12/2023 19:18

I probably should have said - and I didn’t want to add too much because it was so long to start with - I have asked them to leave. Which doesn’t go down well. In the argument he said if you want me to leave you’ll have to ring the police. Which he knows I probably wouldn’t do.
when DO DS hit me I was told by DP that “he wouldn’t have hit you if you hadn’t gone in his room”
I was angry and shouted that it was my house and I would go where I wanted. He’s now asked me not to call it my house because that makes him feel like a lodger. But to me it is a fact.

im just a bit bewildered by it all. I am trying my best.

Why won't you ring the police?

You are exposing your own children to unacceptable levels of violence in their own home.

Get them gone!

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 22:03

The bedroom mess is completely irrelevant.

Do not go in there and do not pull him up on it, if he wants to live in a pig sty and have no clean clothes then so be it.

This is despicable behaviour!

Your DS is obviously to blame but I would be just as angry at DP for minimising it or even blaming you for his behaviour and I can’t help feel that DS treats you like shit because his dad does.

His dad may not hit you, but this is learnt behaviour and every time that DP doesn’t punish him, it reinforces the idea that his behaviour is ok.

How is DSS meant to learn that his behaviour is inappropriate if his dad is acting like it’s acceptable.

If my DD was violent to another family member I would punish her and warn her that if it happened again I would call the police.
If it happened again then I’d absolutely call the police on my own child.

Where is his mum?
Was there violence between DP and his ex?

Nevermind91 · 09/12/2023 22:03

For your sake and, more importantly, for the sake of your children, you must ask them to leave. You don't want your children thinking you have no respect for yourself. You deserve so much better than has been dished out to you.

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