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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s social life is pissing me off.

111 replies

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:31

DP has always had a very busy social life, so I guess I should have anticipated what I was letting myself in for!

We have a 6 month old baby, and I have been on maternity leave whilst also maintaining my nail business (I work approx 12 hours a week). DP works full time from home and travels into London 1-2 times per week. I do all of the night wakings except for occasionally on the weekends. DP does do his fair share of housework.

He has always had a very active social life, but since we’ve had our baby it’s started to really piss me off, where it didn’t so much before.

Most weekends he plays golf, although it’s been cancelled recently due to the weather. But most of the time, it’s golf and drinks after most Saturdays. When he’s in London for work, he doesn’t get home until midnight as he stays for drinks afterwards. Then there are frequent trips to the pub with friends.

This week for example: Wednesday was his work Christmas party, but due to the trains not running he had to get a lift at 6am. Then, there were no trains to get home (he could have organised a lift with a colleague who lives near by but didn’t) so he stayed overnight at a colleagues. He didn’t get back until 2pm Thursday. Then, yesterday, he met friends at the pub for 3 hours in the evening. Today, golf was cancelled, so he said he was going to the pub for a couple of hours. I happened to see his phone whilst we were sat next to each other, and he’s arranging dinner this evening with a friend. So a couple of hours at the pub is now 12pm - 7pm. I was already annoyed with him as he tried to argue this morning that he should play golf in a few weekends time when it is our nieces birthday and we already have plans with her. Just after he left earlier he text to say we could watch a movie together tonight when he got back, but I was so annoyed that I told him to get back at whatever time he wanted as I didn’t want to.

One of the worst parts is that he doesn’t ask if I mind, he just announces that he has ‘x’ plan or is going out. Like the evening meal with the friend tonight, he didn’t ask me if I minded, he just started asking the friend to book a table for them both! It pisses me off. I do also get some time to myself, but nowhere near as much as him, and it always has to be prearranged… I can’t just ‘announce’. Plus I wouldn’t do that as I feel it’s rude and disrespectful.

I am also very tired which I’m sure isn’t helping my judgement or mood.

OP posts:
Coolhwip · 09/12/2023 12:32

Dump him. Don’t have more kids with him, you’ll be raising them alone.

19lottie82 · 09/12/2023 12:33

Put your foot down. He is a Parent now. And point out every hour he has “off”, then you should get the same.

NorthCliffs · 09/12/2023 12:33

He doesn't sound much of a partner. Or a dear either.

Cosywintertime · 09/12/2023 12:34

Coolhwip · 09/12/2023 12:32

Dump him. Don’t have more kids with him, you’ll be raising them alone.

Edited

Did you not even bother to read the op?

OhNoForever · 09/12/2023 12:35

You need to "announce", give him a taste of his own medicine.

OhNoForever · 09/12/2023 12:35

Cosywintertime · 09/12/2023 12:34

Did you not even bother to read the op?

Show quote history

Did you not bother to read this post? Ironic.

Sloth66 · 09/12/2023 12:38

yet another one continuing to live like a single man. Yes you can try the same, going out more. But it seems to me that then you’ll barely see each other at all?

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/12/2023 12:43

Well, at least you haven't uttered "he's a good dad". He doesn't even sound remotely interested in the fact he has a child now, how often does he actually meaningfully interact with DC in a week?

I'd have 1 talk: he either steps up and actually parents with you and treats you like a partner rather than the nanny, or I'd leave/kick him out depending on your housing situation. No 2nd chances, no promises to change. Actual change starting right now or you're gone in the New Year.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 09/12/2023 12:44

There are threads like this all the time on MN, OP, and I think at most points, a fair few of us could have written the exact same thing. It's as if nothing changes for a man when he becomes a father - but when you become a Mother, everything feels like you've just detonated a bomb into the middle of your life.

He's being incredibly selfish to not see your needs. And I would imagine that this isn't something new. Your choice is to tolerate his half cocked effort to be a parent, or not.

Original poster
PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:48

I know that the woman’s life changes more and I anticipated that. I didn’t even mind when he wanted to go for drinks for a couple of hours today, what really pissed me off was seeing the text messages where he’s arranging dinner without even asking if I mind. So a couple of hours of drinks have turned into the entirety of Saturday, but I get the ‘token’ film together at the end of the day! Fuck that!

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 09/12/2023 12:49

You need to start announcing yourself and try to do it at the most inopportune times for him.
If he gets shitty about it then you can sit down and and point out he treats you this way so you thought it was fine to do the same.

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 12:54

I know that the woman’s life changes more and I anticipated that.

  • *It doesn't have to, though, what a defeatist attitude. Swedish couples frequently go 50:50 even on maternity leave.

Your "D""P" is a selfish wanker and it's time for a come to Jesus talk.

Sapphire387 · 09/12/2023 12:55

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:48

I know that the woman’s life changes more and I anticipated that. I didn’t even mind when he wanted to go for drinks for a couple of hours today, what really pissed me off was seeing the text messages where he’s arranging dinner without even asking if I mind. So a couple of hours of drinks have turned into the entirety of Saturday, but I get the ‘token’ film together at the end of the day! Fuck that!

Why does the woman's life HAVE to change more? Genuine question.

I've had dc with two men - my former partner sadly passed away and now I am married and have another dc.

Both of them stopped drinking when I was pregnant. Neither of them would have thought of buggering off to leave me holding the baby. They took as much paternity leave as possible Even while I was breastfeeding, they would generally wake too for nappy changes or just to keep me company.

DH is now a SAHD.

I suggest you don't continue to normalise the narrative that men's lives continue unhindered. Your partner is relying on you just accepting the status quo.

I'm afraid to say he is neither a good dad nor a good partner. I wonder why he doesn't WANT to be around his partner and child? Because this is not the odd night out, reciprocated with free time for you. It's a massive disparity.

batsandeggs · 09/12/2023 12:58

Life changes in every way imaginable when you have a baby. Compromises and sacrifices are essential and that is from BOTH parents. Doesn’t sound like his life has changed much at all, and just making plans without even asking if you have your own plans is so massively disrespectful. He’s already defaulted to just assuming you’ll take care of everything. I’d be having a very serious conversation now, and I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate it moving forward.

Maintaining a social life after kids is really important, and for the first little while you might do your social things separately. But they should be discussed, balanced and fair.

Autumntimeagain · 09/12/2023 12:59

You need to ensure he reaps exactly what he sows !

You can try the 'talking' about it, but with men like him, it's usually only when you do exactly the same to them, that things might actually change.

When you just 'talk', they all give the same answers...

But you weren't going out anyway, so what does it matter ?

You're always nagging me ! I never stop YOU going out, do I ?

All my mates would start taking the piss because none of their wives would ever tell them what they were 'allowed' do do !

You can't expect me to change who I am !

Blah, blah, blah...

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 13:01

You just need to talk to him properly and you'll get to a compromise. It's hard to have conversations without blaming each other. I hope you manage to get a positive spin on it and get to a reasonable agreement.

Dery · 09/12/2023 13:03

“Life changes in every way imaginable when you have a baby. Compromises and sacrifices are essential and that is from BOTH parents. Doesn’t sound like his life has changed much at all, and just making plans without even asking if you have your own plans is so massively disrespectful. He’s already defaulted to just assuming you’ll take care of everything. I’d be having a very serious conversation now, and I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate it moving forward.

Maintaining a social life after kids is really important, and for the first little while you might do your social things separately. But they should be discussed, balanced and fair.”

This.

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 13:03

I'm surprised at posters comments of dumping him, taste of his own medicine.. that will ruin the relationships. Becoming a parent is a transformative experience. It's not going to be easy and it is a massive arraign on a relationship. Talk to him, ask him how he feels, tell him what you feel and expect. It'll be fine I hope!

Maddy70 · 09/12/2023 13:04

I've previously been described on mumsnet as a "cool wife " I am very ok woth everyone having free time away from the family. But this is unacceptable. He is a baby donor not a father or husband

Takenoprisoner · 09/12/2023 13:06

You're not minding enough, he's doing all of this at your expense, ie, your health and free time, and treating you like the default parent and a domestic appliance. You should mind more. He has to change or the relationship needs to be over, what's the point of him?

Crikeyalmighty · 09/12/2023 13:08

I'm ended up divorcing my first H at 29 because of this- football most weekends, used to come in from work 2 or 3 nights a week too and announce he was off to the pub -I had 2 under 7s at the time. Used to go to off licence and just get himself things.

Completely acted as if he was single with no kids and no partner either

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 13:14

Are you breastfeeding op?
If not, then what is your reason for not doing the same back? A nice breezy 'I'm off out with friends now, see you tomorrow.'

Yes, of course it's rude, selfish, disrespectful, childish, thoughtless but the both of you seem to think it's fine for him to behave like that, so why can't you?

Also - why does a woman's life change more? Short of breastfeeding. Decent men are brought up to share parenting equally.

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 13:17

Most weekends he plays golf

Here we go again… another golf wanker. My mum always said not to bother dating a man who spends his entire weekend playing sport, it makes for a terrible family man. Such a wise woman.

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 13:20

You need a proper conversation with him and get an agreement about how much time it is reasonable for him to be out of the house socialising.

You have a very old-fashioned and sexist attitude yourself. IMO both parents' lives should change and things should be basically equal.

Nosleepforthismum · 09/12/2023 13:32

You need to have a proper chat with him and remind him that he actually has a child now and weekends are family time. Golf is no more except for on occasion and instead he will have to join you on trips to the farm/swimming/softplay and spend some quality time with his child. He needs to check whether or not he can go out with you in advance as you would do with him.

If he wants to be a shitty dad then carry on how he is.

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