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Original poster

DP’s social life is pissing me off.

111 replies

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:31

DP has always had a very busy social life, so I guess I should have anticipated what I was letting myself in for!

We have a 6 month old baby, and I have been on maternity leave whilst also maintaining my nail business (I work approx 12 hours a week). DP works full time from home and travels into London 1-2 times per week. I do all of the night wakings except for occasionally on the weekends. DP does do his fair share of housework.

He has always had a very active social life, but since we’ve had our baby it’s started to really piss me off, where it didn’t so much before.

Most weekends he plays golf, although it’s been cancelled recently due to the weather. But most of the time, it’s golf and drinks after most Saturdays. When he’s in London for work, he doesn’t get home until midnight as he stays for drinks afterwards. Then there are frequent trips to the pub with friends.

This week for example: Wednesday was his work Christmas party, but due to the trains not running he had to get a lift at 6am. Then, there were no trains to get home (he could have organised a lift with a colleague who lives near by but didn’t) so he stayed overnight at a colleagues. He didn’t get back until 2pm Thursday. Then, yesterday, he met friends at the pub for 3 hours in the evening. Today, golf was cancelled, so he said he was going to the pub for a couple of hours. I happened to see his phone whilst we were sat next to each other, and he’s arranging dinner this evening with a friend. So a couple of hours at the pub is now 12pm - 7pm. I was already annoyed with him as he tried to argue this morning that he should play golf in a few weekends time when it is our nieces birthday and we already have plans with her. Just after he left earlier he text to say we could watch a movie together tonight when he got back, but I was so annoyed that I told him to get back at whatever time he wanted as I didn’t want to.

One of the worst parts is that he doesn’t ask if I mind, he just announces that he has ‘x’ plan or is going out. Like the evening meal with the friend tonight, he didn’t ask me if I minded, he just started asking the friend to book a table for them both! It pisses me off. I do also get some time to myself, but nowhere near as much as him, and it always has to be prearranged… I can’t just ‘announce’. Plus I wouldn’t do that as I feel it’s rude and disrespectful.

I am also very tired which I’m sure isn’t helping my judgement or mood.

OP posts:
minipie · 09/12/2023 14:54

Here’s how I see it.

The baby is 50/50 your baby and his baby. So the default position is that childcare is 50/50 your job and his job. Any deviations from that have to be agreed.

During maternity leave, you have agreed that you won’t split weekday childcare 50/50 - you’re happy to do it all while he works as this works best financially/for the baby/your recovery etc. You’ve also agreed to take on all the night wakings so he can focus at work. Fine.

But you never agreed to do all the evening and weekend childcare too. Therefore, the default 50/50 still applies unless you agree otherwise. That means IMO he needs your agreement every time he wants you to do the evening or weekend childcare. Or you have a regular agreement like “Sat am golf is fine, till 11am, and I’ll have a long lie in on Sundays” Likewise, you couldn’t just go out without him agreeing to cover your share.

This is the way I see it. Some people might call this controlling I guess. I call it fair.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/12/2023 15:00

Fuck me, that would send me nuts. I would not put up with that.

Whyyoulyingfor · 09/12/2023 15:02

Why should the woman’s life change more though? It only does because women are so conditioned into accepting his kind of behaviour. The bare minimum seems to be sufficient for many from men or the idea that he’s helping you by doing his duty as a dad. He sounds very selfish and you need to have some strong words with him.

Lovemusic82 · 09/12/2023 15:06

When he gets in later at 7pm, I would be dressed up and ready to go out, as soon as he gets in say “oh, I’m off out with so and so tonight” and just walk out the door, see how he likes it. He’s a parent too and should be giving you time to socialise as well as time together. It’s not something I would put up with, you might as well be a single parent, if you split he would probably get every other weekend with his child which is more than what he’s doing now?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 15:09

@QuietBear - the 'me' time available is what's left AFTER all that stuff...

Echobelly · 09/12/2023 15:09

I'm quite chilled on this kind of thing, but that is too much. DH talked openly about this before having kids and we consciously wound down our social lives a bit in the run-up to TTC so it wasn't likely suddenly turning it off all at once.

It's hard to know how to deal with it as well once this is established... if you don't just want to 'LTB' I'd raise it in terms of the social life you want to have:

'DP, I really want to see my friends/have time with you more, we have a baby and we can't just be spontaneous any more - you need to tell me your plans and agree them with me and I want to be able to make plans too for myself and for us to have time together because I feel like we are drifting when you go out so much.'

If he starts railing or implying that it's unfair, ask him to look at it from your point of view. Is your social life proportionate to his? Is that fair? Sometimes guys really can be that clueless, partially because they're still brought up with this idea that mums just 'sacrifice' and it's normal for them not to go out, without thinking about whether this is true or fair.

Mildmanneredmum · 09/12/2023 15:10

I had exactly the same with my exH. His was studying; we were both working full time, both studying remotely for professional qualifications, 2 children. He would simply tell me on Friday that he was "studying all weekend". Really? So I guess that would be me parenting all weekend and not him, and when then would I be "studying"? I ended up opening my books, as it were, at 10.00pm every night, after a day at work, after everyone had gone to bed, and doing what I needed to do. I'm pleased to say that I got my qualifications; but it wrecked the relationship.

JANEY205 · 09/12/2023 15:11

You know he is being outrageous OP. When does he actually spend family time with you and baby? Make plans for you to go out as a family and as a couple? Actually help with baby? He is an absolute twat! And no this isn’t normal man behaviour. You really don’t need to tolerate it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2023 15:16

When you're parents you're meant to share the parenting outside work. So if one of you chooses to do something else, the other person has to do both parents share of parenting. That's how I look at it. He wouldn't be ok with someone at work just fucking off with no notice and him having to do their share on top of his, repeatedly. So why does he do it to you?

If he doesn't understand this you're going to have to start doing it yourself, as its the only way that some people seem to understand things. Just yell bye as you run out the door for dinner / drinks on a Saturday night without any notice and leave him to sort out everything.

If you let the default parent role become any more engrained then you'll never get past it

2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 15:19

Ask him why he appears to be far more interested in spending time with his friends rather than his family.

Poppybob · 09/12/2023 15:22

Once you have a child your life is no longer your own. He needs to realise that he has a family now and commitments and can't keep going out and about for all hours. Am all for getting out and socialising as I think that can become even more important when you have a child as you need to make the time and it can lonely and isolating..... but there are limits and DC are only little once.... So he will be missing out on seeing his DC

Golden407 · 09/12/2023 15:25

Coolhwip · 09/12/2023 12:32

Dump him. Don’t have more kids with him, you’ll be raising them alone.

Edited

Jesus.... Why not have a mature conversation with him about the need to share parental responsibility, see how that goes first

Smiley85 · 09/12/2023 15:25

He's lucky to have you but it seems he doesn't appreciate you. He should want to spend more time with you and his child. Family always before friends.

MsCactus · 09/12/2023 15:26

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 12:54

I know that the woman’s life changes more and I anticipated that.

  • *It doesn't have to, though, what a defeatist attitude. Swedish couples frequently go 50:50 even on maternity leave.

Your "D""P" is a selfish wanker and it's time for a come to Jesus talk.

Edited

Me and my DH did 50/50 maternity paternity leave.

We've split the nights since she was a newborn. Now she's a year we're both back at work full time and alternate who gets up in the night.

I was surprised how little my life has changed by having a baby - if you split it 50/50 you both get a really nice work/family/social life balance.

We need to change this assumption that the mum does more!!!

OP - I'd LTB

Diaria · 09/12/2023 15:27

I think the issue here is you aren’t married and there has been no conscious preparation on his part to transition from being a boyfriend to a husband/father family scenario.

Legalities aside (which are important), it is essentially that your relationship has stayed entirely the same - live in boyfriend/girlfriend, except you happen to have gotten pregnant and had a baby…. Which from an outsiders point of view he takes little to do with, as if you have got yourself a pet hamster and he can still go on with his life unabated because it isn’t his responsibility.

It is his responsibility. And he is required to put family time first, before golf and drinks with work colleagues. Golf once a month fair enough but every weekend when you have children - no.

Try and renegotiate your relationship into a meaningful adult partnership akin to marriage or leave him, you have nothing to lose.

Usually I would urge you to get married asap as you have bugger all rights right now, unless you are liable to lose 100s of thousands, probably best not until he changes his time because he sounds like a total tosspot right now.

JFDIYOLO · 09/12/2023 15:32

Golf again ...

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 15:32

Really @Golden407 ?? Isnt it absolutely obvious to a presumably normal intelligence adult that a parent needs to parent? So to not do so is actively telling the other parent that you feel that your wants and needs are superior to theirs.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/12/2023 15:33

He sees the baby as your responsibility. You definitely need to speak to him, probably with a colour coded chart showing how much me time you’ve both had.
You need a family calendar he can’t just assume you will mind baby.
Take up a hobby and plan some things and set precedent so you aren’t always free.

MsCactus · 09/12/2023 15:35

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:33

I will try to discuss it with him tonight, but what he said this morning was, ‘well I’ve already cut down on my social life and I work hard and need social time.’

I work hard too and need social time. I think his social time is excessive - this is the fourth day in a row - and to arrange stuff without even discussing it with me first is just rage inducing.

A PP said this, but you need to explain it to him in hours I think.

He does a 40 hour work week (for example) and you do 40 hours childcare on mat leave. That's equal.

That leaves 128 hours a week, 18 hours a day, where all childcare and housework needs to be split equally.

If he outsourced your mat leave work you would need to pay a day nanny and a night nanny. That's the reality of the work you're contributing to the household at the moment.

It's completely unequal. Write out a typical week - work out how many hours you "work", how much leisure time you get off from the baby, and how much he does.

This needs rebalancing. And you need to show him in hard numbers how unequal it is.

Cost out the cost of nanny/night nanny and a cleaner/housekeeper on top of you like. Show him how much unpaid labour you're contributing. He cant argue with the facts - it should be equal.

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2023 15:41

Point out that his social life will drastically reduce when he has his child either EOW or 50/50. And it'll cost him more money.

Also, ask him why he doesn't WANT to spend more time with his family

Beadyeyes91 · 09/12/2023 15:47

I'd like to know who the 4% are that voted you are being unreasonable which by the way you most definitely are not!

margotrose · 09/12/2023 15:49

Golden407 · 09/12/2023 15:25

Jesus.... Why not have a mature conversation with him about the need to share parental responsibility, see how that goes first

Show quote history

It shouldn't need a "mature conversation". It's not bloody rocket science. H

If he wanted to parent his kid he would have done it already.

Lizzieregina · 09/12/2023 15:52

You should sit down on Sunday to “coordinate your calendars” for the week! Then start giving yourself a day off Sunday if he’s gone all day Saturday, and dinner out with your friends on Thursday if he’s having drinks on Wednesday! Etc, you get the idea.

He’s obviously taking the piss and needs to step up and do his share with HIS child.

LusaBatoosa · 09/12/2023 16:03

Grumpynan · 09/12/2023 14:03

Do what I did, I got sooo fed up with being expected to be there when he had time free. I went to spend a week with my dad, I told him the day before I had decided a break would be nice and as he had sooooo many plans over the next few days it would be a good time. He didn’t disagree thought wasn’t happy but I went.

that was the 14th of December. Planned to be back on the 20th, all agreed all ok. But quite honestly I was having a good time and so were the children so when I phoned on the 19th to say I would be back as arranged the next afternoon and he told be great but he would be out until late, oh and he was away with a works do on the 22 back late night on the 23rd. I said oh well ok, well I might as well stay here !

And then what happened? You had a nice stay at your Dad’s, but was there any change to your DH’s behaviour?

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 16:04

Diaria · 09/12/2023 15:27

I think the issue here is you aren’t married and there has been no conscious preparation on his part to transition from being a boyfriend to a husband/father family scenario.

Legalities aside (which are important), it is essentially that your relationship has stayed entirely the same - live in boyfriend/girlfriend, except you happen to have gotten pregnant and had a baby…. Which from an outsiders point of view he takes little to do with, as if you have got yourself a pet hamster and he can still go on with his life unabated because it isn’t his responsibility.

It is his responsibility. And he is required to put family time first, before golf and drinks with work colleagues. Golf once a month fair enough but every weekend when you have children - no.

Try and renegotiate your relationship into a meaningful adult partnership akin to marriage or leave him, you have nothing to lose.

Usually I would urge you to get married asap as you have bugger all rights right now, unless you are liable to lose 100s of thousands, probably best not until he changes his time because he sounds like a total tosspot right now.

I'm sorry but that's absolute bollocks as evidenced by the dozens of threads by women married to selfish, feckless fuckwits.

Marriage isn't what sorts these pricks out.