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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s social life is pissing me off.

111 replies

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:31

DP has always had a very busy social life, so I guess I should have anticipated what I was letting myself in for!

We have a 6 month old baby, and I have been on maternity leave whilst also maintaining my nail business (I work approx 12 hours a week). DP works full time from home and travels into London 1-2 times per week. I do all of the night wakings except for occasionally on the weekends. DP does do his fair share of housework.

He has always had a very active social life, but since we’ve had our baby it’s started to really piss me off, where it didn’t so much before.

Most weekends he plays golf, although it’s been cancelled recently due to the weather. But most of the time, it’s golf and drinks after most Saturdays. When he’s in London for work, he doesn’t get home until midnight as he stays for drinks afterwards. Then there are frequent trips to the pub with friends.

This week for example: Wednesday was his work Christmas party, but due to the trains not running he had to get a lift at 6am. Then, there were no trains to get home (he could have organised a lift with a colleague who lives near by but didn’t) so he stayed overnight at a colleagues. He didn’t get back until 2pm Thursday. Then, yesterday, he met friends at the pub for 3 hours in the evening. Today, golf was cancelled, so he said he was going to the pub for a couple of hours. I happened to see his phone whilst we were sat next to each other, and he’s arranging dinner this evening with a friend. So a couple of hours at the pub is now 12pm - 7pm. I was already annoyed with him as he tried to argue this morning that he should play golf in a few weekends time when it is our nieces birthday and we already have plans with her. Just after he left earlier he text to say we could watch a movie together tonight when he got back, but I was so annoyed that I told him to get back at whatever time he wanted as I didn’t want to.

One of the worst parts is that he doesn’t ask if I mind, he just announces that he has ‘x’ plan or is going out. Like the evening meal with the friend tonight, he didn’t ask me if I minded, he just started asking the friend to book a table for them both! It pisses me off. I do also get some time to myself, but nowhere near as much as him, and it always has to be prearranged… I can’t just ‘announce’. Plus I wouldn’t do that as I feel it’s rude and disrespectful.

I am also very tired which I’m sure isn’t helping my judgement or mood.

OP posts:
Original poster
PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:33

I will try to discuss it with him tonight, but what he said this morning was, ‘well I’ve already cut down on my social life and I work hard and need social time.’

I work hard too and need social time. I think his social time is excessive - this is the fourth day in a row - and to arrange stuff without even discussing it with me first is just rage inducing.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 09/12/2023 13:35

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:33

I will try to discuss it with him tonight, but what he said this morning was, ‘well I’ve already cut down on my social life and I work hard and need social time.’

I work hard too and need social time. I think his social time is excessive - this is the fourth day in a row - and to arrange stuff without even discussing it with me first is just rage inducing.

Oh well, good of him to make sure his needs are getting met. How about your needs, and those of your baby?

ChristmasLights23 · 09/12/2023 13:41

Did he actually want to be a parent? What kind of father would he like to be?

Original poster
PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:43

@ChristmasLights23 Yes he did. I’ve no idea, but at the moment he’s not particularly present.

I’d have more time to myself (and money, as I could work every other weekend) as a single parent.

OP posts:
Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 13:45

@PerlaRep Tonight might not be good, you'll be tiered he had a few drinks. Try to maybe arrange a walk or do it during the day. He might get all defensive and that's fine. Think how you can communicate your needs and don't try to win. Ask him how he feels, tell him how you feel. Try to make it a habit to talk about these kids of things regularly. Good luck!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 13:51

I think a good point to put to him, and learn to not fill silence whilst you wait for his answer, is 'I work hard too and would also like some social time. The equal way of doing this is to split our available me time in half. So, I've worked out that's ten hours per week. So, equal is 5 hours each. What do you think?'

CombatLingerie · 09/12/2023 13:52

He doesn’t want to be a parent OP. His socialising would reduce considerably if you were to divorce him. He would have to parent his own child. Although men like him usually wriggle out of that particular commitment quite quickly. Why don’t men like this have an honest conversation with their partners prior to starting a family? Tell them that they don’t actually want children? At least that would give the woman a choice about having a baby with them.

furtivetussling · 09/12/2023 13:52

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:33

I will try to discuss it with him tonight, but what he said this morning was, ‘well I’ve already cut down on my social life and I work hard and need social time.’

I work hard too and need social time. I think his social time is excessive - this is the fourth day in a row - and to arrange stuff without even discussing it with me first is just rage inducing.

Get a large piece of paper and several highlighters. Divide the paper into 7/24 and colour in for each of you the hours spent at work in one colour, the hours socialising in another colour, and another for childcare, over the space of one week.

Literally every second he is not in the home for whatever reason, you are responsible for childcare. And if you do night wakings, colour them in as well.

If you show him a literal picture of all the time he socialises compared with the time you get, and just how little time he spends with the dc and the huge amount of time you do, it might sink in a bit better.

Ethylred · 09/12/2023 13:57

He spends a lot of time drinking, doesn't he?

Wallywobbles · 09/12/2023 13:59

I doubt you'll change him sadly. Golfers seem to be a uniquely selfish breed. If you try a temporary split up push for him have 50/50 so he gets it.

I'm unreasonably angry on your behalf.

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 09/12/2023 14:00

OhNoForever · 09/12/2023 12:35

Did you not bother to read this post? Ironic.

Show quote history

The post she was responding to was edited. It originally said ‘don’t have kids with him’ then edited to ‘don’t have more kids with him’.

Grumpynan · 09/12/2023 14:03

Do what I did, I got sooo fed up with being expected to be there when he had time free. I went to spend a week with my dad, I told him the day before I had decided a break would be nice and as he had sooooo many plans over the next few days it would be a good time. He didn’t disagree thought wasn’t happy but I went.

that was the 14th of December. Planned to be back on the 20th, all agreed all ok. But quite honestly I was having a good time and so were the children so when I phoned on the 19th to say I would be back as arranged the next afternoon and he told be great but he would be out until late, oh and he was away with a works do on the 22 back late night on the 23rd. I said oh well ok, well I might as well stay here !

LakeTiticaca · 09/12/2023 14:04

He is behaving like a single childless man.
He is a husband and father of a young baby.
His behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to step up

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/12/2023 14:06

You definitely need a chat with him. When dd was small we lived in London so after work drinks were quite regular which did annoy me but weekends were family time and he would take her swimming etc. We shared lie ins over the weekend as well. And he would often go food shopping once she was in bed so I didn't have to. Now she's 10 we've only started doing things for ourselves in the last couple of years so I exercise and do choir in the week and he is in a band. Even gigs he runs by me first and although that annoys me sometimes he's earning cash. I'm so glad he doesn't play golf lol

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 14:09

CombatLingerie · 09/12/2023 13:52

He doesn’t want to be a parent OP. His socialising would reduce considerably if you were to divorce him. He would have to parent his own child. Although men like him usually wriggle out of that particular commitment quite quickly. Why don’t men like this have an honest conversation with their partners prior to starting a family? Tell them that they don’t actually want children? At least that would give the woman a choice about having a baby with them.

Of course his social life wouldn't be reduced if they split. He'll be an EOW Disney dad, picking up and dropping his kid when he feels like it. Then he'll meet someone else and repeat.

muchalover · 09/12/2023 14:11

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:33

I will try to discuss it with him tonight, but what he said this morning was, ‘well I’ve already cut down on my social life and I work hard and need social time.’

I work hard too and need social time. I think his social time is excessive - this is the fourth day in a row - and to arrange stuff without even discussing it with me first is just rage inducing.

He is telling you that looking after your baby and working isn't work.

He is also telling you it isn't hard work.

He is telling you his time is more important.

He is telling you his social life is not with you. Family time doesn't count for him.

He is telling you that you need to stay in your lane. You are not important.

He is telling you to be grateful that he has made minor changes.

What did he think being a parent would mean? Because if he thought that not much would change then why did he have a child?

margotrose · 09/12/2023 14:14

It doesn't sound like he's really interested in being a parent, to be brutally honest.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2023 14:18

furtivetussling · 09/12/2023 13:52

Get a large piece of paper and several highlighters. Divide the paper into 7/24 and colour in for each of you the hours spent at work in one colour, the hours socialising in another colour, and another for childcare, over the space of one week.

Literally every second he is not in the home for whatever reason, you are responsible for childcare. And if you do night wakings, colour them in as well.

If you show him a literal picture of all the time he socialises compared with the time you get, and just how little time he spends with the dc and the huge amount of time you do, it might sink in a bit better.

Show quote history

@PerlaRep

I was thinking this same thing, some people need to see it in black and white (or coloured markers) before the truth hits them.

But here's the thing, he's living a bachelor's life and has a bachelor's mindset. A man with a 'partner/spouse' mindset doesn't willy nilly make plans without consulting his 'other half'. That part of it has nothing to do with having/not having children. It has to do with being half of a committed relationship. Even before children neither DH nor I would have made plans without consulting the other. Not 'asking permission', just a simple "Hey, 'Friend' and I would like to <insert activity>, do we have anything on for Saturday?".

Now, he may truly have wanted a baby, but he never planned for it to impact that bachelor life. He didn't truly 'get' that one's life needs to change when one has a child. Unfortunately, this is not an un-typical thing with a LOT of men. They assume that a child is like a football, you just carry it around with you when you want to play with it and stick it on the shelf (ie its mother's arms) when you don't. My DH has a hobby that is and was extremely important to him, but not as important as his children. It never would have occurred to him to continually book out his weekends for that hobby with complete disregard for his children's need for him to be an active part in their lives.

And the 'problem' with most of us women is that we just automatically pick up the slack, because above all we want our child cared for so we simply do it because the father isn't, or won't. And soon it becomes a habit, and habits are hard to break.

So, along with your coloured chart, I suggest you figure out what 'me time' and what 'family time' you actually want or need Then do a second coloured chart with the new 'division of labour/time' and say "From now on, this is the way our time will be divided".

And BTW, you may want to look at the dynamics of his parent's relationship. Was his dad an 'absentee' father, too?

Bookworm1111 · 09/12/2023 14:19

Does he pull his weight with the baby and housework etc during the week when he's working at home?

2catsandhappy · 09/12/2023 14:23

This sounds so like my exh.
He went out six nights a week. Did no night feeds or wake ups. Lay ins on weekend. No housework or cooking.
Because, he informed me,
I had to stay in anyway to breastfeed our newborn and could watch his other dd.
He had work the next day. He was tired from work. I was at home all day and his work was harder(office)
I was trying to be a good wife and mum and just let it all happen. His outrage when I divorced him was spiteful and very nasty.

Don't be me. Push back. Make plans. Point out the inbalance. Tell people in real life what is going on. Get a big paper calendar and mark a big X everytime he skips out of being a dad and partner.

I hope things improve for you soon x

QuietBear · 09/12/2023 14:24

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 13:51

I think a good point to put to him, and learn to not fill silence whilst you wait for his answer, is 'I work hard too and would also like some social time. The equal way of doing this is to split our available me time in half. So, I've worked out that's ten hours per week. So, equal is 5 hours each. What do you think?'

The problem with this is, where is the family time? Where is the time he is there to split the parenting load? Where is the time spent enjoying your DC together?

I don't think it's a case of OP ensuring she is away from the family as much as he is. He's a father, he should want to spend most of his free time with his partner and children. Otherwise, what's the point?

I would talk to him and give him time. Your baby is only young and he may just have not caught on to the fact that this is a joint venture. If it's still like this in 6 months time I would start to reconsider the relationship.

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 14:29

The Christmas meal issue wouldn’t have bothered me as every now and then is fine.

But he’s massively taking the piss.

The hours he’s not working should be split in 3 - his alone time, your alone time and family time.

I would write down how much free time he has and how many hours he has to himself compared to your time to yourself and family time.

He should absolutely have a social life and hobbies but he is a parent first and foremost and everything else is second place.

TomeTome · 09/12/2023 14:39

Go out tomorrow morning. I’d say brunch with a friend if you can find one free. Announce while he’s still in bed, then arrange to do something for tha afternoon while out.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 09/12/2023 14:44

Here to echo @Sapphire387, you’ve either married someone who sees your relationship as a partnership or you haven’t. Sadly you haven’t. He won’t change. You’ll be bending over backwards to negotiate a night or a Saturday when he doesn’t leave you both alone, he’ll be outraged that you’re trying to change him all the while you’re both completely missing the point. You should be a team, but he couldn’t give a shit about either of you. My DH still does all the night wakings and mornings. He comes home from work, puts the kids to bed does the washing and so on. We ask each other (and take turns) if we want to go out. Neither of us is sitting down if the other is doing something. It doesn’t work any other way. The family - and the well-being of everyone in the family comes first.

If you are going to get married and have kids, the person you chose to do that with is the most important decision you’ll ever make.

HotMummaSummer · 09/12/2023 14:51

When he announces his plans ask him what he's doing for childcare 😂