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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP’s social life is pissing me off.

111 replies

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:31

DP has always had a very busy social life, so I guess I should have anticipated what I was letting myself in for!

We have a 6 month old baby, and I have been on maternity leave whilst also maintaining my nail business (I work approx 12 hours a week). DP works full time from home and travels into London 1-2 times per week. I do all of the night wakings except for occasionally on the weekends. DP does do his fair share of housework.

He has always had a very active social life, but since we’ve had our baby it’s started to really piss me off, where it didn’t so much before.

Most weekends he plays golf, although it’s been cancelled recently due to the weather. But most of the time, it’s golf and drinks after most Saturdays. When he’s in London for work, he doesn’t get home until midnight as he stays for drinks afterwards. Then there are frequent trips to the pub with friends.

This week for example: Wednesday was his work Christmas party, but due to the trains not running he had to get a lift at 6am. Then, there were no trains to get home (he could have organised a lift with a colleague who lives near by but didn’t) so he stayed overnight at a colleagues. He didn’t get back until 2pm Thursday. Then, yesterday, he met friends at the pub for 3 hours in the evening. Today, golf was cancelled, so he said he was going to the pub for a couple of hours. I happened to see his phone whilst we were sat next to each other, and he’s arranging dinner this evening with a friend. So a couple of hours at the pub is now 12pm - 7pm. I was already annoyed with him as he tried to argue this morning that he should play golf in a few weekends time when it is our nieces birthday and we already have plans with her. Just after he left earlier he text to say we could watch a movie together tonight when he got back, but I was so annoyed that I told him to get back at whatever time he wanted as I didn’t want to.

One of the worst parts is that he doesn’t ask if I mind, he just announces that he has ‘x’ plan or is going out. Like the evening meal with the friend tonight, he didn’t ask me if I minded, he just started asking the friend to book a table for them both! It pisses me off. I do also get some time to myself, but nowhere near as much as him, and it always has to be prearranged… I can’t just ‘announce’. Plus I wouldn’t do that as I feel it’s rude and disrespectful.

I am also very tired which I’m sure isn’t helping my judgement or mood.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/12/2023 18:01

OhNoForever · 09/12/2023 12:35

You need to "announce", give him a taste of his own medicine.

I agree

Spottyblobby · 09/12/2023 18:49

What he is doing is quite selfish and I think you should discuss it however in my opinion the spread of child raising should be 50/50 over 20 years of raising the child into adulthood & there will always be periods that one parent takes on more time than the other. Breastfeeding & early years I definitely took on more than my partner but once child was in school, partner was in a different place in his career & it was pretty much even, this year I took up running (think of it as my golf!) plus got promoted & my partner did a hella lot more parenting. What I mean is that life won’t always permit 50/50 parenting, sometimes someone needs to give a bit more, it’s more about across the whole child rearing period ensuring it was fair. Maybe as he is so social that when child starts going to parties/play dates he will be all over it & you will be having most Saturdays off whilst he is helping at football/meeting up with the hockey parents etc.
Discuss it, ask for fairness, but that doesn’t need to mean that the division of Labour is exactly 50/50. Just what works for you & your family.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 09/12/2023 21:38

Tell him he stops behaving like a single man or he will be one, only this time with a child to look after every other weekend.

My DP Ty ought his life could continue in the same way once I’d had Dd. He was out to rights and whilst he didn’t like it, accepted he now could not be selfish.

I think many men, even the decent ones, don’t appreciate that their lives have to change as much as they should/do once they have a child. The decent ones do learn pretty quickly though and adapt.

Original poster

PerlaRep · 10/12/2023 11:05

Had a chat with DP last night and he acknowledged that he should (and will) discuss any plans in the future. He said he didn’t realise I felt like the ‘default’ parent and he feels very stressed at work / with life and needs downtime BUT that can’t be at the expense of my happiness and he will ask and discuss social plans in the future. He also shared the night feed last night and said he will share it every Friday / Saturday when he’s not got work the next day.

So all in all, a good chat, and hopefully we continue to work together.

OP posts:

furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 11:37

I'm glad about that OP, and it does sound like there's been some progress. Let's hope he takes it properly on board and doesn't 'forget' within 48 hours!

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2023 12:31

That's good progress op, but I'd keep a very wary eye on him. From your update an hour ago it sounds like you're not breastfeeding and he has never done a night feed?!! That is shocking and ridiculous. You should have been having one decent nights sleep each a week from the beginning.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2023 12:32

And no - he doesn't 'share' it one night a week. He does it all one night a week.

2turtledoves · 10/12/2023 15:17

Love it when I read threads like this and see couples compromising 😊
Family first, social time with friends when agreed together.

Applesandpears23 · 10/12/2023 18:44

My favourite response when we were first parents is “you can do anything you like if you are taking the baby with you” ie I am not controlling you but the baby is a shared responsibility. So either of us could do daytime coffee with a friend with the baby but anyone who wanted to do something without the baby had to check the other parent was fine with it.

minipie · 10/12/2023 19:15

I like that ApplesandPears.

Lemsipper · 10/12/2023 19:59

I’m sorry but in my opinion he’s just not that into you, you are an accessory to him - I just don’t see how you could be the love of his life when he barely wants to spend time with you

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