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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP’s social life is pissing me off.

111 replies

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:31

DP has always had a very busy social life, so I guess I should have anticipated what I was letting myself in for!

We have a 6 month old baby, and I have been on maternity leave whilst also maintaining my nail business (I work approx 12 hours a week). DP works full time from home and travels into London 1-2 times per week. I do all of the night wakings except for occasionally on the weekends. DP does do his fair share of housework.

He has always had a very active social life, but since we’ve had our baby it’s started to really piss me off, where it didn’t so much before.

Most weekends he plays golf, although it’s been cancelled recently due to the weather. But most of the time, it’s golf and drinks after most Saturdays. When he’s in London for work, he doesn’t get home until midnight as he stays for drinks afterwards. Then there are frequent trips to the pub with friends.

This week for example: Wednesday was his work Christmas party, but due to the trains not running he had to get a lift at 6am. Then, there were no trains to get home (he could have organised a lift with a colleague who lives near by but didn’t) so he stayed overnight at a colleagues. He didn’t get back until 2pm Thursday. Then, yesterday, he met friends at the pub for 3 hours in the evening. Today, golf was cancelled, so he said he was going to the pub for a couple of hours. I happened to see his phone whilst we were sat next to each other, and he’s arranging dinner this evening with a friend. So a couple of hours at the pub is now 12pm - 7pm. I was already annoyed with him as he tried to argue this morning that he should play golf in a few weekends time when it is our nieces birthday and we already have plans with her. Just after he left earlier he text to say we could watch a movie together tonight when he got back, but I was so annoyed that I told him to get back at whatever time he wanted as I didn’t want to.

One of the worst parts is that he doesn’t ask if I mind, he just announces that he has ‘x’ plan or is going out. Like the evening meal with the friend tonight, he didn’t ask me if I minded, he just started asking the friend to book a table for them both! It pisses me off. I do also get some time to myself, but nowhere near as much as him, and it always has to be prearranged… I can’t just ‘announce’. Plus I wouldn’t do that as I feel it’s rude and disrespectful.

I am also very tired which I’m sure isn’t helping my judgement or mood.

OP posts:
ChaniceKobolowski · 09/12/2023 16:05

You haven’t mentioned your friends or whether you go out together. What was your social life like before your child?

bonzaitree · 09/12/2023 16:05

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:43

@ChristmasLights23 Yes he did. I’ve no idea, but at the moment he’s not particularly present.

I’d have more time to myself (and money, as I could work every other weekend) as a single parent.

What your OH needs to realise is that your life with him, overall, needs to be better than your life alone. That’s what it comes down to.

Explain to him what your life would look like without him- you’d have more money, more time, would be better rested and feel much much less annoyed.

He steps up or he ships out.

ConfusedBear · 09/12/2023 16:08

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 13:43

@ChristmasLights23 Yes he did. I’ve no idea, but at the moment he’s not particularly present.

I’d have more time to myself (and money, as I could work every other weekend) as a single parent.

How are you splitting your money at the moment? Given you're unable to work as much because you are looking after your joint child I'd expect your partner to be funding the whole family (including family and personal socialising as well as a private pension for you).

Diaria · 09/12/2023 16:09

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 16:04

I'm sorry but that's absolute bollocks as evidenced by the dozens of threads by women married to selfish, feckless fuckwits.

Marriage isn't what sorts these pricks out.

Show quote history

@thedamnseason I’ve actually said she shouldn’t marry him as he’s an imbecile (unless she and child stand to lose a few 100k in the event of separation).

My point was they have stayed in the same relationship pattern of BF/GF, there has been no commitment or legal security put in place and now a bewilderment as to why he is still getting on like a casual boyfriend/housemate… it’s because that is what he is.

He needs to get his act together or she gets rid.

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 16:12

@Diaria and I think you're wrong about marriage in general. You're making assumptions about their level of commitment based on whether they're married and I don't agree.

The OP might want to address that but people can have very committed relationships with children, properties etc without getting married.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 16:15

thedamnseason · 09/12/2023 16:12

@Diaria and I think you're wrong about marriage in general. You're making assumptions about their level of commitment based on whether they're married and I don't agree.

The OP might want to address that but people can have very committed relationships with children, properties etc without getting married.

@thedamnseason

I have no doubt of that.

But legally the partners and children in the partnership do not have the same rights.

I do think the gov needs to change this as it does let people, like the OP’s partner, away with being complete dicks who can’t be held to account.

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 09/12/2023 16:18

I'm sorry OP, he doesn't sound much of a partner nor a parent. So many ppl would love to have a baby and can't, and yet here he is with a youbg baby seemingly not wanting to spend any time with them. Very sad.

Unfortunately these men only seem to learn when they get a taste of it. I'd suggest you booking yourself some social events and leaving him at home in the hope it dawns on him.

If not, I don't see how you can have a relationship with him unless he changes. He sounds awful, selfish and lacking in basic respect for you.

Grendell · 09/12/2023 16:24

Ideally, he would just want to be home with his family without being forced or manipulated or scheduled.

But his actions tell you he doesn't want that. He likes the single life.

thebestinterest · 09/12/2023 16:33

Your DP is outrageous. My DP works 12hr days and still has time for me, our baby, our pets AND to cook us a homemade meal, almost every fuxking day. My DP is also a
sociable person (more than I), and finds time
to get a beer with a friend here and there, but they do not come before his family commitments.

You’ve had a baby with someone who genuinely has no interest.

WimbyAce · 09/12/2023 16:37

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:48

I know that the woman’s life changes more and I anticipated that. I didn’t even mind when he wanted to go for drinks for a couple of hours today, what really pissed me off was seeing the text messages where he’s arranging dinner without even asking if I mind. So a couple of hours of drinks have turned into the entirety of Saturday, but I get the ‘token’ film together at the end of the day! Fuck that!

Sorry what? The woman's life changes more? No, this is where you are going wrong. He is a parent the same as you and needs to act as one. Both of your lives should have changed equally. You really need to nip this in the bud now or he will think it's fine to keep acting as he did before children.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/12/2023 16:53

The question to ask your would-be Co-parent is not 'do you want a baby?' Because who wouldn't want a baby if someone else was going to do all the work involved. The question should be 'are you prepared to cut down on your social life so that we can equally parent our baby?'

Previous hobby time is cut down massively once a baby is on the scene.
Your life together goes from 40 hours per week work and your money to only spend on yourself....to...one wage supporting 3 people and and spare time now split between parenting/family time/hobby time. It ain't gonna be anywhere near the same number of hours or disposable income. That's the realities that need to be considered before thinking oooh let's have a cute little baby in a cute little outfit and do a photo sho

billy1966 · 09/12/2023 17:07

I feel most sorry for the child you have inflicted this loser on.

He clearly has zero interest in having a family and is determined to live his life exactly as he pleases, as a single man.

He has always been like this and you knew it.

Your poor child has zero choice in this.

Highly likely he won't change.

I have never heard EVER of a really selfish man morphing into a thoughtful one after children.

In my experience they only get a lot worse.

WinterDeWinter · 09/12/2023 17:07

PerlaRep · 09/12/2023 12:48

I know that the woman’s life changes more and I anticipated that. I didn’t even mind when he wanted to go for drinks for a couple of hours today, what really pissed me off was seeing the text messages where he’s arranging dinner without even asking if I mind. So a couple of hours of drinks have turned into the entirety of Saturday, but I get the ‘token’ film together at the end of the day! Fuck that!

Haven't rtft but JIC no-one has said this - the woman's life only changes more if you have an exploitative man.

Aside from actual childcare if the woman is on maternity leave, housework, mental load, shopping and cooking and leisure time - should be equally split.

Thudercatsrule · 09/12/2023 17:18

Mon-Thurs wouldnt bother me to much as long as it wasnt every week.

But Saturday night?!! thats taking the piss and needs to be dealt with asap.

Just1MoreMinute · 09/12/2023 17:21

I’m afraid to say that it is clear neither you nor the child are his priority and so you should either learn to live with it or plan ahead.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:26

You need to sit him down and discuss it with him. He doesn't even seem to want to spend much time with your baby.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is a dealbreaker. He chose to become a dad - he needs to step up now and BE one.

If he doesn't rein it in, then you have a decision to make, because you will never be happy or content when there's such deep inequity.

PamelasSpamela · 09/12/2023 17:27

I know that the woman’s life changes more and I anticipated that.

This is the sort of thing they rely on. You’ve got to stop this now, you have a child now, he cannot carry on as he was. You need to be really firm about this.

SnailandWhal · 09/12/2023 17:29

OP - I've been here and really started to hate my husband. The only way forward was am honest conversation.

It's both your weekend and evenings and you need some respite.

When I was going through this I didn't want to say anything as I didn't want to be a 'naggy wife'. I hated the idea of being thought of as a stereotypical kill joy wife etc but then I realised that me thinking that only really benefited my husband...

Definitely say something and be honest. Your needs - and your family's needs - are just as important as his.

If he doesn't get that - that's another story - but I've found- if I don't tell my husband how I'm feeling he will just miss it. He's not trying to be awful but I think girls (in days gone by) were brought up to try and keep everyone happy/not rock the boat and be intune with others emotions.. Boys less so.

I hope you tell him how you feel - and explicitly what you want I.e. to be considered before making plans etc.

ChateauDuMont · 09/12/2023 17:30

'DP has always had a very busy social life, so I guess I should have anticipated what I was letting myself in for!'

I see a lot of these threads and wonder why couples don't sit down and talk about the expectations and changes in their lives that raising children will bring.

Whilst he sounds selfish, I do think you have been foolish to have a child with a man without ascertaining whether he would be prepared to actually be an involved father.

You need to leave and raise your child with someone who has the same values as you.

startquitting · 09/12/2023 17:33

It’s worrying that he doesn’t WANT to spend time with his child.

When my dh was working he couldn’t wait to come home and see them. Why do you put up with it?

Ponderingwindow · 09/12/2023 17:37

After dd was born, DH who was a very present parent would do things like just say he was going to the store to grab something, or just go take a shower. He wouldn’t ask if I was ok being the on-point parent, he would just assume. I put a stop to that very quickly. I’d love to say that I handled it gracefully and eloquently, but in my sleep-deprived, touched-out state of dealing with a special needs baby there was actually screaming and crying. Still, he got the point.

you need to have some serious conversations about life adjustments.

minipie · 09/12/2023 17:42

I don’t actually agree with all those saying it’s worrying or sad he doesn’t want to spend time with his baby.

I am not a baby person, DD was a high needs (aka bloody hard work) baby and I would’ve picked a night out with friends over an evening with my baby. If I am honest I would have capered out of the door with glee. There are plenty of posts on MN about not enjoying the baby stage so I don’t think it’s just me.

However I do think he has to recognise that it is his responsibility to share the parenting equally. Whether he enjoys it or not. And to recognise the impact on you if he buggers off the whole time. Looking after a baby is even less fun if you’re doing it alone.

Raspberrymoon49 · 09/12/2023 17:43

He’s living like a single man, completely self-absorbed, don’t accept this for one more minute, people treat us how we allow them to, I’d be making plans to break up, couldn’t cope with that level of selfishness and massive ego, but if you want to stay together tell him that shit stops now - and mean it otherwise nothing will change, what a tosser

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/12/2023 17:44

I do think this is rectifiable @PerlaRep depending on how receptive your DP is. My husband was like this at the start. But after a few firm conversations, he then began to realise. So I don't agree with those saying that men like this don't change. I think some men need some things spelling out to them, then reiterating for them to 'get it'.

So have a good talk with him tomorrow, and come back and tell us how he responds. That will be very telling as to whether things will improve...or not.

HiCandles · 09/12/2023 17:56

Before our baby was born, forewarned by the many many similar threads here, I explained to DH that daytime childcare was my responsibility on maternity leave and our joint responsibility once both of us were working. That meant all evenings and weekends I was not automatically the default parent. Any deviation from both of us being present needed to be agreed up front with equal weighting towards us both.
There was the odd occasion early on where he said I'm going to such and such, and I said ok who's looking after DS? Ohh well you of course. I said that's fine, but you've just assumed I would be free and here without even checking. He soon got it.
If it's not too late, I would thoroughly recommend doing shared parental leave. DH knew he would be doing childcare for a couple of months at the end of my mat leave which I think meant from the beginning he knew he had to know how to look after DS alone. It meant I could settle in back at work without rushing to nursery pick up or chores, because DH was at home getting his taste of holding the fort like I had done. I definitely think it gave him an appreciation of what's it like home all day with a child and how sometimes it really is impossible to run the hoover round or make it to the supermarket!

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