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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teacher should have discussed this or waited until January?

103 replies

Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 10:36

DD is in Y1. She doesn’t seem to us to be struggling academically - she reads chapter books for hours every night and can do her sibling’s Y4 maths homework. She does however struggle to concentrate on things she’s not particularly interested in at school - she’s not the last in the class to finish but her teacher says “it takes her a long time to apply herself”. We’ve wondered since she was a toddler about ADHD (our older DC is also ND) and have asked her teacher to keep an eye out and let us know if she has similar concerns.

This week we had an online parents’ evening - the kind that cuts you off after x minutes. The teacher talked for the first ten minutes about which children DD played with. In the last two minutes she told us that there were some problems she needed to discuss with us but she couldn’t discuss them with us until January.

I think that this might be the ADHD conversation. I am feeling a bit broken, to be honest. Both my DC are the lights of my life, obviously, but having one (diagnosed) ND child has been hard. The possibility that we might be embarking on a similar journey with DD feels almost overwhelming right now.

I have emailed the teacher and have explained that we are really anxious about this, and have asked if she could let us know her concerns before the holidays- I have barely slept since the conversation happened. She says that no, she is too busy with the Christmas stuff happening at school and she hasn’t got time to speak to us about it until at least the middle of January.

I really wish she’d never raised the issue if she couldn’t then tell us what the problem is for another 6 weeks. It doesn’t feel like a particularly kind thing to do - to set us off panicking but refuse to tell us what the issue is. AIBU to think she could either have told us, or just not mentioned it until she could find the time to discuss it with us?

OP posts:
salamirose · 09/12/2023 10:38

That is absolutely awful. And sorry but this should be a priority over "Christmas stuff". She should have kept her mouth shut till January if she couldn't be arsed to talk to you about it now.

WillowTit · 09/12/2023 10:39

have you done autism research?
have an open mind over christmas.
dont worry too much.
you know your child

cansu · 09/12/2023 10:41

She shouldn't have done this. She should have told you briefly what her concerns were and then made an appointment in January to discuss these concerns with you. I would write a polite email to the school head explaining that it is causing you worry and that you would appreciate a phone call to understand the concerns before a meeting in January. I am a teacher and yes it's busy but there is time for a quick call.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 09/12/2023 10:41

I’m normally on teacher’s side of these things but that is outrageous. I’d go to the HT and ask them to intervene to make some time for this teacher to speak to you.

autumnboys · 09/12/2023 10:41

I would escalate. She should not have mentioned it if she was not going to discuss it!

weebarra · 09/12/2023 10:42

Totally unprofessional imo. I work in education and am well aware it's a busy time of year and everyone is knackered but she has concerns about your daughter and of course you're going to be anxious.
You should never have first become aware of any issues during a 5 minute parents eve, that's not what they're for. Speak to the teacher again, then go to the head. I'm in Scotland so may not be the same but we have ten days left of term.

sesquipedalian · 09/12/2023 10:42

If your child is Y1, I assume you pick them up from school - can’t you have a word then? If she absolutely refuses to speak to you until January, I would take it up with the head.

MyCatIsPlotting · 09/12/2023 10:43

That’s completely unacceptable. I would absolutely escalate to the head and say you appreciate this is a busy time of year but you need an outline of what these concerns are before a more detailed discussion in January.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/12/2023 10:43

Speak to the headteacher immediately. Make it a complaint. Mention Ofsted.

TomeTome · 09/12/2023 10:43

I agree that she’s behaved extremely unprofessionally and unkindly to a family already dealing with one more vulnerable child. I’d contact the head teacher. What a dreadfully unkind teacher.

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 10:44

I would escalate, this is completely unacceptable.

WillowTit · 09/12/2023 10:45

the middle of january?
ridiculous

otoh, can't be that serious,

All2Well · 09/12/2023 10:46

I'm a teacher. She's behaved unprofessionally. Email the head what you have written here...I think you'll get your answer before Christmas.

Chiar · 09/12/2023 10:47

Maybe ask her for a quick yes or no on whether it's a neurodiversity conversation.

It wouldn't set your mind at rest but it might help you move onto the next stage of processing.

My child was diagnosed with autism one November. We knew the panel had happened but we weren't told the result until an in person meeting in Jan, so I know a bit of how you feel. I even spoke to one of the psychologists inbetween, who knew the outcome but couldn't tell us.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 09/12/2023 10:48

sesquipedalian · 09/12/2023 10:42

If your child is Y1, I assume you pick them up from school - can’t you have a word then? If she absolutely refuses to speak to you until January, I would take it up with the head.

As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, conversations about staff concerns about my child and their needs are absolutely not appropriate for a chat at pick up, in the playground, in front of my child and other parents and children. This is a conversation about potentially putting a child on a pathway to a diagnosis of a disability, it’s not a chat about a lost jumper.

Theonlywayisupnow · 09/12/2023 10:48

having a child with an Autism or ADHD diagnosis just means adapting to the style of parenting that works for them and advocating for support they need. Your DC is way ahead with her reading and that means she’ll do fine academically in the right environment. Often these kids struggle in secondary school but once into higher education they focus entirely on something they’re interested in and therefore absolutely shine. Try not to worry about it. Try not to let your child see it as a problem either, just be positive and supportive and don’t sweat the small stuff. There’s so much more to life than being great at school and finishing tasks quickly. I’m jealous you’ve got such an amazing little reader! I’m a bookworm but both my kids would rather clean the bathroom than read. I blame their father 🤣

Joey1976 · 09/12/2023 10:53

I agree with others -escalate to the HT. I would be furious, as a mother of a ND child it's extremely stressful when teachers a vague at the best of times.

Hankunamatata · 09/12/2023 10:58

If your suspecting adhd go to the GP and start diagnosis pathway. Take control. That's awful that teacher hasn't clarified. I could understand if they said they are gathering evidence etc but to leave you hanging.
On flip end adhd medication has worked wonders for all my dc - yes it's overwhelming and terrifying to start a other diagnostic process.

Doodgreen12 · 09/12/2023 10:59

Worked as teacher for years - never ever would I have said this to a parent and not then followed it up. Awful! Of course you’re going to be stressing about this. I would absolutely follow this up with the head. ( and I would never normally suggest this) .

10HailMarys · 09/12/2023 10:59

Yes, that was very unprofessional of the teacher. Really poor.

Curtainscurtains · 09/12/2023 11:00

Unacceptable. I would complain to the governors and the head.

mummyh2016 · 09/12/2023 11:02

I'd forward her email to the head and ask for a meeting with HT.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/12/2023 11:03

Nope this is unacceptable. As you've already contacted her and she has dismissed you i would email the HT and request a meeting or phone call for her concerns to be shared.

OliviaFlaversham · 09/12/2023 11:03

I would ask for a meeting with head and SENCo. Completely unacceptable to have mentioned anything like that without giving the time to follow it up.

RedHelenB · 09/12/2023 11:05

sesquipedalian · 09/12/2023 10:42

If your child is Y1, I assume you pick them up from school - can’t you have a word then? If she absolutely refuses to speak to you until January, I would take it up with the head.

This.

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