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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teacher should have discussed this or waited until January?

103 replies

Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 10:36

DD is in Y1. She doesn’t seem to us to be struggling academically - she reads chapter books for hours every night and can do her sibling’s Y4 maths homework. She does however struggle to concentrate on things she’s not particularly interested in at school - she’s not the last in the class to finish but her teacher says “it takes her a long time to apply herself”. We’ve wondered since she was a toddler about ADHD (our older DC is also ND) and have asked her teacher to keep an eye out and let us know if she has similar concerns.

This week we had an online parents’ evening - the kind that cuts you off after x minutes. The teacher talked for the first ten minutes about which children DD played with. In the last two minutes she told us that there were some problems she needed to discuss with us but she couldn’t discuss them with us until January.

I think that this might be the ADHD conversation. I am feeling a bit broken, to be honest. Both my DC are the lights of my life, obviously, but having one (diagnosed) ND child has been hard. The possibility that we might be embarking on a similar journey with DD feels almost overwhelming right now.

I have emailed the teacher and have explained that we are really anxious about this, and have asked if she could let us know her concerns before the holidays- I have barely slept since the conversation happened. She says that no, she is too busy with the Christmas stuff happening at school and she hasn’t got time to speak to us about it until at least the middle of January.

I really wish she’d never raised the issue if she couldn’t then tell us what the problem is for another 6 weeks. It doesn’t feel like a particularly kind thing to do - to set us off panicking but refuse to tell us what the issue is. AIBU to think she could either have told us, or just not mentioned it until she could find the time to discuss it with us?

OP posts:
SpringPen · 09/12/2023 11:53

Not RTFT but, as a teacher, this is totally bizarre and unacceptable. Definitely bypass this member of staff and go straight to Head / SLT team. It is completely out of order for this teacher to do this.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/12/2023 12:03

If it is the same concerns as you she could have just said " we are beginning to wonder if there is something underlying that's making it hard for her to focus, can we see how she settles after christmas and then meet again to have a more detailed chat ?

She sounds very unprofessional and I'd go to the senco and explain you just want a few sentences outlining the nature of the concerns.

MyChristmasTree · 09/12/2023 12:08

That’s totally shit.
I would escalate this with whoever is the contact at the school and say you know there is no time but you’ve brought this up before and are now very howdy and stressed not knowing what it’s about and you just want a one sentence “it’s to discuss adhd referral” or something so you can relax and enjoy Christmas.
Totally mean

Abbimae · 09/12/2023 12:11

I feel there is more to this you are not saying

TheCrystalPalace · 09/12/2023 12:11

I usually try to defend teaching staff in threads like this but I'm with everyone else here who is saying this is unacceptable.
Speak to the Senco or HT.

Sanguinello · 09/12/2023 12:12

Yanbu. What an annoying thing to do to worry you but refuse to say what it's about.

Original poster
Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 12:12

I don’t know what you mean? What else do you think I’m not saying?

OP posts:
Sanguinello · 09/12/2023 12:13

TheCrystalPalace · 09/12/2023 12:11

I usually try to defend teaching staff in threads like this but I'm with everyone else here who is saying this is unacceptable.
Speak to the Senco or HT.

Yes, I'd go higher up and like you I normally defend the teacher.

EnidSpyton · 09/12/2023 12:13

As a teacher I am normally the first to defend colleagues on here, but this is unprofessional and thoughtless behaviour.

That being said, trying to be charitable, the teacher may well not have time. The Christmas period is incredibly busy in primary schools with a lot off-timetable rehearsals and activities going on for plays and concerts and there will also be assessment and reporting deadlines taking up a lot of time at the end of term. There has been a huge amount of illness going around this year - much more so than usual, in my opinion - I've been ill for a month - so the teacher is probably also under the weather and knackered. When you are feeling overwhelmed and ill and tired, you can be thoughtless.

I would send an email to the Headteacher with the teacher cc'd in, saying that the teacher raised concerns about your daughter at parents' evening but said she would discuss them with you in more detail in January. You have since asked for more clarification and the teacher has insisted they are too busy to discuss this with you over the Christmas period and it needs to wait until January. Explain that you appreciate things are incredibly busy at this time of year but being left in limbo like this is causing you anxiety given your family situation with ND and so you would appreciate the Headteacher's help in ensuring the teacher has some protected time to enable them to discuss these issues with you in the run up to Christmas.

I think the Headteacher needs to know that their staff feel too overwhelmed and busy to discuss important issues with parents, as the fact the teacher does feel this way is a problem with the school management as well. However, the teacher also needs to realise that she has behaved in a way that is unhelpful. I can't fathom why she mentioned anything in the first place if she knew she'd have no time to go into detail with you for over a month. I'm sure in her head it makes sense, but she needs to understand that she can't withhold information from parents like this.

EnidSpyton · 09/12/2023 12:17

I would also say to the poster saying 'threaten with Ofsted' - have you not read anything about the Ruth Perry case in the news?

I really wish people would understand the huge amount of stress and trauma Ofsted causes to school staff and not bandy about this sort of advice to people. School staff have committed suicide as a result of the stress and worry of Ofsted inspections. Using Ofsted as a threat to get what you want from a school is an incredibly unpleasant and unhelpful thing to do.

StaunchMomma · 09/12/2023 12:18

You need to message back, CC in the Head and explain that her flippantly mentioning a problem at the end of parents evening has thrown you through a loop and that you're not sleeping, etc.

Bugger how busy she is in school with Xmas stuff, she will ruin Xmas for you if she keeps you hanging like that!

I have every sympathy for how busy teachers are, being an ex-teacher myself, BUT you have to consider how your words affect parents and she needs to put this right ASAP, even if just in an email.

SouthEastCoast · 09/12/2023 12:19

Email the grad teacher, this is unacceptable

Longma · 09/12/2023 12:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 09/12/2023 12:23

In the last two minutes she told us that there were some problems she needed to discuss with us but she couldn’t discuss them with us until January

Completely unprofessional and cackhanded.

And now she's saying she's too busy after your email?

I'd be on the phone escalating this to the deputy head of head.

What a dreadful way to treat you.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/12/2023 12:24

Speak to the headteacher immediately. Make it a complaint. Mention Ofsted.

I agree that the teacher was unreasonable and unprofessional here, but recommending 'mentioning Ofsted' as a method of scaring teachers into doing what you want is silly advice. Contact the Headteacher.

Longma · 09/12/2023 12:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Getupat8amnow · 09/12/2023 12:27

I was a teacher for nearly three decades. Your daughter’s teacher is not appropriate. Go into the school office on Monday and ask to speak to the Headteacher. If they won’t speak to you right away (which is likely as they are busy people) make an appointment with them and don’t leave the office until you have a date and time to meet. You will be asked what it is about so briefly state that the class teacher has raised concerns regarding your daughter and you can’t leave it until next term as it is on your mind. Don’t let them fob you off. When you speak to the headteacher be calm and nice but firm. Explain you can’t be expected to wait six weeks as it is making you anxious. Ask the Headteacher that she organises for the class teacher to meet with you this week to explain her concerns and next steps.

If I had been your daughter’s teacher I would definitely have waited until after the Christmas holidays to raise my concerns, explaining that I have used the autumn term to observe and find evidence to back up my professional opinion that your daughter may have ADHD etc. I certainly would not leave a parent in limbo over a six week period, that is unacceptable and all the Headteachers I have worked for over the years would have had something to say to me if I did. Reinforce to the Headteacher that you are not trying to get the class teacher in trouble for not engaging with you before the holidays but that you simply can’t enjoy the holidays fully wondering what the teacher has to say.

Dont take no for an answer, there is definitely enough left of this term for the class teacher to meet with you. She can’t say what she did during your online consultation then expect a parent to wait six weeks for clarification of her concerns. Good luck, I hope this helps.

jannier · 09/12/2023 12:30

I'd be complaining to the head that's not fair on anyone.

Xmasblues · 09/12/2023 12:34

YANBU

I would email once again but CC in the head.

Say that you are sorry to keep on and you know that she said she was so busy which you completely understand but to say that she needs to discuss some problems but refuse to tell you about them until January is giving you massive anxiety.
Ask if she could just drop you a quick email or spend a couple minutes after school giving you the gist of it, to put your mind at rest and then arrange a proper meeting after the holidays.

Teachers are busy, there’s no denying that.
But I do not believe she doesn’t have a couple minutes to spare to send a quick email or have a quick chat after school.

She obviously wants to have a proper meeting with you so she doesn’t feel like she’s rushing you and you have time to have a proper chat but she should not have brought it up at all and because she did, it’s now on her to find some time to talk to you.

Mostlyoblivious · 09/12/2023 12:36

That is crappy of the teacher.
I would respond whilst you understand her commitments she needs to understand that she has handled this situation poorly, leaving much apprehension over your festive period.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 09/12/2023 12:46

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/12/2023 10:43

Speak to the headteacher immediately. Make it a complaint. Mention Ofsted.

What would she say to Ofsted?

cakewench · 09/12/2023 12:47

If the teacher said there are other 'problems' to discuss (and that's the language that was used) then that's outrageous and unacceptable to expect you to sit on that over the holiday period wondering what's wrong. Immediately escalate this to the HT, especially as you've already tried to follow up. Tell them you need your concerns alleviated as this is not the way you should be left for the holiday break. I would do this in person, in the office on Monday. I wouldn't bother with email at this point; it will only prolong the issue.

If she said there's some other issues she'd like to discuss after the break, then I'd be a lot less incensed and I'd say maybe you're filling in the 'issues' as being everything you've already been concerned about. I would still suggest following up with the HT because you are concerned and you can't be expected to spend your holidays like that.

If the teacher is too busy to speak to you herself, the HT should be able to get some kind of explanation for you to pass on at least to put your mind at ease.

(This is what our school would do; I work in a primary school in both the office and the classroom)

MassiveOvaryaction · 09/12/2023 12:50

Would you have thought that there were no issues and dc categorically did not have ADHD if the teacher hadn't mentioned anything? Not been worried at all? I don't think so. So you know what the conversation will be about and presumably you're already aware of what needs to happen due to your other dc. She can't magic up time to speak to you in the last week of term.

Did you not get chance to raise concerns during the parents evening or was it a 10 minute monologue? Ours have always been 2 way discussions.

Allegra567 · 09/12/2023 13:00

Another teacher who finds this unprofessional, unkind and unacceptable. Contact the head and demand a discussion before the end of term. I’d also question why she spent ten minutes mentioning your dd’s friendship groups when an important issue should have been foremost, why she’s refused to meet, plus why you haven’t been invited in. This is an internal matter - headteacher first - not one for OFSTED, OP.

OldChinaJug · 09/12/2023 13:11

Ima primary school teacher and also the first two defend fellow teachers but this is unacceptable.

I can well imagine her being too busy to address it properly now but I agree that she shouldn't have mentioned anything until January. Nothing much is going to change or be resolved in the next couple of weeks before breaking up so she should have just sat on it.

I'd contact the HT and say what has happened and ask for a meeting to be arranged before Christmas.