Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teacher should have discussed this or waited until January?

103 replies

Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 10:36

DD is in Y1. She doesn’t seem to us to be struggling academically - she reads chapter books for hours every night and can do her sibling’s Y4 maths homework. She does however struggle to concentrate on things she’s not particularly interested in at school - she’s not the last in the class to finish but her teacher says “it takes her a long time to apply herself”. We’ve wondered since she was a toddler about ADHD (our older DC is also ND) and have asked her teacher to keep an eye out and let us know if she has similar concerns.

This week we had an online parents’ evening - the kind that cuts you off after x minutes. The teacher talked for the first ten minutes about which children DD played with. In the last two minutes she told us that there were some problems she needed to discuss with us but she couldn’t discuss them with us until January.

I think that this might be the ADHD conversation. I am feeling a bit broken, to be honest. Both my DC are the lights of my life, obviously, but having one (diagnosed) ND child has been hard. The possibility that we might be embarking on a similar journey with DD feels almost overwhelming right now.

I have emailed the teacher and have explained that we are really anxious about this, and have asked if she could let us know her concerns before the holidays- I have barely slept since the conversation happened. She says that no, she is too busy with the Christmas stuff happening at school and she hasn’t got time to speak to us about it until at least the middle of January.

I really wish she’d never raised the issue if she couldn’t then tell us what the problem is for another 6 weeks. It doesn’t feel like a particularly kind thing to do - to set us off panicking but refuse to tell us what the issue is. AIBU to think she could either have told us, or just not mentioned it until she could find the time to discuss it with us?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/12/2023 13:15

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/12/2023 10:43

Speak to the headteacher immediately. Make it a complaint. Mention Ofsted.

I hardly think mentioning Ofsted is necessary at this point. I think it would be reasonable to email the teacher again pointing out that it wasn't helpful to raise this with no time available for discussion. If a phone call is again refused, yes, contact the HT.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 13:17

Go above her head, ask to see the head/senco or send something like below

Dear Headteacher,

We have two children at your school. The elder in year X has been diagnosed as having ND and we have some concerns that our younger child in year X may be following a similar path.

We asked to speak with DC2’s teacher at the beginning of this academic year regarding our concerns but were told the matter would have to be discussed during the parents evening in December.

During the parents evening regular issues such as friendships were the focus of teacher’s attention. Towards the end of the meeting teacher said there were a number of problems warranting further discussion. However, they refused to disclose the nature of said problems. Again, discussion of important issues was delayed, with us being told we would not be able to have a conversation until mid January.

As you can imagine, how these scenarios have played out has caused anxiety for myself and my husband; knowing that our child has a significant issue, but having no knowledge of what that is to take action to help our child.

We would appreciate clear communication, either verbally or in email, as to the nature of any significant issue our child is encountering prior to the Christmas holidays.

If there is any difficulty we wish to address is immediately, rather than have any further delay negatively impact our child.

Kind regards,

Worried Mum

ilovesooty · 09/12/2023 13:20

Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 11:21

Thanks for the responses- it feels better to know I’m not just being precious. I did try to speak to the teacher at pick up yesterday- she wouldn’t tell me anything, and just said she wasn’t going to be able to find time to discuss it with me until January.

In that case you will need to escalate to the HT.

I still think the mention of Ofsted is unnecessary.

Snowonthebeachx · 09/12/2023 13:22

EnidSpyton · 09/12/2023 12:17

I would also say to the poster saying 'threaten with Ofsted' - have you not read anything about the Ruth Perry case in the news?

I really wish people would understand the huge amount of stress and trauma Ofsted causes to school staff and not bandy about this sort of advice to people. School staff have committed suicide as a result of the stress and worry of Ofsted inspections. Using Ofsted as a threat to get what you want from a school is an incredibly unpleasant and unhelpful thing to do.

This! Please don't bandy around Ofsted. The teaching profession is a bit traumatised at the moment.

But also yes I do think you are well within your rights to go to the head or SENCO and politely express your concerns. Charitably perhaps she is knackered or inexperienced but its obviously not professional. I have always been told that there should be no big surprises at a parents evening so really it should have been an earlier conversation without a time limit! If she really doesn't have time to talk to you the school need to address this and give her time.
Also Year One is very young and children are still learning to be in school so I would try not to panic too much.

ilovesooty · 09/12/2023 13:24

EnidSpyton · 09/12/2023 12:17

I would also say to the poster saying 'threaten with Ofsted' - have you not read anything about the Ruth Perry case in the news?

I really wish people would understand the huge amount of stress and trauma Ofsted causes to school staff and not bandy about this sort of advice to people. School staff have committed suicide as a result of the stress and worry of Ofsted inspections. Using Ofsted as a threat to get what you want from a school is an incredibly unpleasant and unhelpful thing to do.

Well said.

tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 13:28

I’d be asking to meet the HT next week. YANBU.

sleepymama3 · 09/12/2023 13:29

@Diaria has phrased the perfect email. Yes, this was unprofessional and you are within your rights to escalate. But escalation certainly doesn't require bandying about ofsted.

Soontobe60 · 09/12/2023 13:30

If you suspect ADHD / ASD, you need to speak to the SENCo, not the class teacher. Schools are not in a position to guess diagnoses, we are not psychologists / psychiatrists or paediatricians.
A SENCo can make a referral for an assessment. Be very prepared to wait far too long for an appointment.

Dancingonaslice · 09/12/2023 13:32

I would contact the head urgently

Teacher has handled this extremely badly from your description of events and having tried to speak to her about it and got nowhere I would go to her manager ie the head.

fortnumsfinest · 09/12/2023 13:36

When I read threads re teachers I normally always side with the teacher, Im not a teacher btw so not an expert but I think this is a terrible way to treat you.
If there are any concerns regarding your DC this should 100% top trump any Christmas activities. It could be as little as a 5 min phone call to tell you what concerns/plans are and these could be discussed fully in Jan but to leave you hanging like this is very unprofessional

electriclight · 09/12/2023 13:38

I'm a teacher and that is awful. I can't imagine dropping a conversation like that and then refusing to discuss it for a month! Of course your anxiety will be spiralling. I wouldn't have even left you overnight. I don't say this very often at all but I think you need to email the SENCO or the Head and request a meeting. You don't have to be arsey, just explain that you can't relax until you know what the problem is. Any reasonable person will understand completely.

WGACA · 09/12/2023 13:39

Agree with emailing the Headteacher first thing Monday morning to request a meeting with SENCo and class teacher before the end of term. Teachers should not wait until parents’ evening to discuss concerns about children’s progress, behaviour and development. They should ask to see you at your earliest convenience.

hsapposhit · 09/12/2023 13:40

That's not acceptable. Former primary school teacher here.
There's no way I would have left a difficult conversation like that to the end of the online parents' night and then not said it was about and then refused to talk about it until January.
That's weeks of worry.

In this case I would ask to see the head to discuss it. There's plenty of time between now and the Christmas holidays for the teacher to spend 15 mins with you to give you a rough outline of what it's about.

She shouldn't have mentioned it if she really didn't have time to talk about it properly.

mumedu · 09/12/2023 13:47

I am a teacher and I wouldn't have done this. She's left you hanging and worried. It's not OK.

Copperoliverbear · 09/12/2023 13:49

That's awful treatment, I'd ask for a meeting with the head. X

RheaRend · 09/12/2023 14:10

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 09/12/2023 10:48

As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, conversations about staff concerns about my child and their needs are absolutely not appropriate for a chat at pick up, in the playground, in front of my child and other parents and children. This is a conversation about potentially putting a child on a pathway to a diagnosis of a disability, it’s not a chat about a lost jumper.

Show quote history

Nobody is saying in the playground. You do know the teacher and the parent can enter the building after the bell has gone!

LovePoppy · 09/12/2023 14:16

I’d be escalating this and forcing a meeting.

absolutely unacceptable

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/12/2023 14:17

autumnboys · 09/12/2023 10:41

I would escalate. She should not have mentioned it if she was not going to discuss it!

I agree.

What an utterly thoughtless, pointless thing for her to say.

It paints her in a very bad light. Go to the Head.

Didimum · 09/12/2023 14:20

I echo what others have said. However, to lessen your anxiety over Christmas, I would try to remind yourself of the following: you know your daughter, and you already know your daughter’s behaviours at school. Nothing the teacher says is going to change outcomes for your daughter – they are what they are and will be what they will be.

Y1 is a huge transition for loads of children, probably the majority. NT children will also struggle with the raised expectations, attention span and concentration required of them. They are 5/6 years old and whatever happened in the future, I wouldn’t allow the script you’re writing in your head to spoil your Christmas.

(From a fellow anxious script writer!)

NWQM · 09/12/2023 14:33

I get why you are saying that she should have waited but actually no she shouldn't. She should deal with it now. I would be outlining a query asap and being clear that unless you get a response within X time IE quite quickly you will be escalating it

You will know already how long it takes to get anything assessed and you sense is that that is the path you will need to take. Don't accept delays in the journey

Usernamechange1234 · 09/12/2023 14:33

I am a teacher and I’m aghast at this. It’s absolutely unacceptable to leave a worried mum anxious!

Go to the head and explain what has happened. Ask for their support.

2turtledoves · 09/12/2023 15:00

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 09/12/2023 10:41

I’m normally on teacher’s side of these things but that is outrageous. I’d go to the HT and ask them to intervene to make some time for this teacher to speak to you.

Without hesitation.

If the teacher is suspecting something she may think you'll worry during the holidays and doesn't want that but shes actually doing more harm. Speak to the head letting her know the wait is much worse.

PinkLemons99 · 09/12/2023 15:02

She’s sounds at best incompetent and I suspect she’s playing for time.

She wasted your time in the parents evening meeting chatting about inconsequential stuff when she should have got straight to the point knowing how alarmed you’d be.

I think she doesn’t want to discuss it with you because she’s out of her depth so you need to contact the Head and ask them what’s going on.

Oblomov23 · 09/12/2023 15:16

Send an email to teacher and Senco asking for an urgent meeting.
Ask gp for adhd referral.

KovskyMinsky · 09/12/2023 15:17

Your DD does Y4 Maths? and reads for hours every night? Wow. Maybe it is a genius conversation OP.

But yes, behaving like this is unprofessional and you should talk to head.