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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teacher should have discussed this or waited until January?

103 replies

Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 10:36

DD is in Y1. She doesn’t seem to us to be struggling academically - she reads chapter books for hours every night and can do her sibling’s Y4 maths homework. She does however struggle to concentrate on things she’s not particularly interested in at school - she’s not the last in the class to finish but her teacher says “it takes her a long time to apply herself”. We’ve wondered since she was a toddler about ADHD (our older DC is also ND) and have asked her teacher to keep an eye out and let us know if she has similar concerns.

This week we had an online parents’ evening - the kind that cuts you off after x minutes. The teacher talked for the first ten minutes about which children DD played with. In the last two minutes she told us that there were some problems she needed to discuss with us but she couldn’t discuss them with us until January.

I think that this might be the ADHD conversation. I am feeling a bit broken, to be honest. Both my DC are the lights of my life, obviously, but having one (diagnosed) ND child has been hard. The possibility that we might be embarking on a similar journey with DD feels almost overwhelming right now.

I have emailed the teacher and have explained that we are really anxious about this, and have asked if she could let us know her concerns before the holidays- I have barely slept since the conversation happened. She says that no, she is too busy with the Christmas stuff happening at school and she hasn’t got time to speak to us about it until at least the middle of January.

I really wish she’d never raised the issue if she couldn’t then tell us what the problem is for another 6 weeks. It doesn’t feel like a particularly kind thing to do - to set us off panicking but refuse to tell us what the issue is. AIBU to think she could either have told us, or just not mentioned it until she could find the time to discuss it with us?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 09/12/2023 11:06

I'm a primary teacher and I'm furious for you. This is not only slovenly and unprofessional but downright cruel.

I would write an email explaining that her comments have caused you enormous worry and asking that she at least make time to clarify what the nature of the problem is. Cc it to the headteacher. You absolutely cannot be left with this hanging over you through Christmas.

Thisismynewusernamedoyoulikeit · 09/12/2023 11:06

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/12/2023 10:43

Speak to the headteacher immediately. Make it a complaint. Mention Ofsted.

Ridiculous.

Obviously speak to the head teacher, the teacher has been inconsiderate in how this was raised, and isn't making time to communicate with the OP.

But mentioning ofsted is just ridiculous and cruel. It is one staff member's inconsiderate decision, not a sign that the school is awful.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/12/2023 11:14

It’s not ridiculous. The power dynamic is so unbalanced here and the teacher is behaving so badly that maybe the OP needs to use whatever she can to get heard on this.

Brandyginger · 09/12/2023 11:16

Really pathetic and unprofessional of the teacher

Canisaysomething · 09/12/2023 11:18

Just speak to the teacher at pick up or drop off. You’ve filled in the blanks here yourself, it’s probably absolutely nothing.

SandyWaves · 09/12/2023 11:18

Doodgreen12 · 09/12/2023 10:59

Worked as teacher for years - never ever would I have said this to a parent and not then followed it up. Awful! Of course you’re going to be stressing about this. I would absolutely follow this up with the head. ( and I would never normally suggest this) .

Good advice

The teacher was very poor in dismissing your concerns. Of course you want to know, why should you wait until the next year? Email the head and ask for a meeting before Christmas. Don't take no for an answer. Good luck

Slightlylostalongtheway · 09/12/2023 11:21

Contact the Head! As an ex teacher I can tell you she can find time and should find time! It's a cop out. If you feel you don't want to go to the head then the SENDCO, appointments can always be made to meet with teaching staff, don't let her brush you off...in my opinion it's bizarre behaviour from the teacher
I have a ND child as well and know what you mean, everything is a battle! I wish you all the best.

Original poster
Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 11:21

Thanks for the responses- it feels better to know I’m not just being precious. I did try to speak to the teacher at pick up yesterday- she wouldn’t tell me anything, and just said she wasn’t going to be able to find time to discuss it with me until January.

OP posts:
Iwasdrunkandamenace · 09/12/2023 11:22

I dunno…if you were to look at it another way the teacher could have mentioned it to validate your concerns, which means he/she has listened to you, respected you, and has reached out to you.

Nothing will change having this discussion before Christmas, except that the teacher is currently being overwhelmed by her established commitments, and if they have this conversation in January they will have a lot more time and headspace to get it right.

Your child won’t change and your love for your child won’t change if you have this teacher chat. So enjoy the time off over Christmas and look forward to getting all your ducks in a row to fight for her in January.

Two years ago a consultant told me that my child had a life limiting degenerative
Disorder in December and sent us home. The genetic testing came back in Jan and she didn’t have it.

So things could be worse.

Xil · 09/12/2023 11:23

If you've had these concerns since she was a toddler and just put it to the teacher to keep an eye, it's not actually a time sensitive thing or some kind of surprise that's blindsided you. Nothing can be achieved in that last week or so of term if you want school to put details together to involve other agencies.

wronginalltherightways · 09/12/2023 11:25

Escalate and ask for a meeting with the head teacher. In writing so there's a paper trail.

This isn't how such conversations should be handled. The teacher is not being professional here.

Original poster
Clingingonbyourfingertips · 09/12/2023 11:26

I did explain that I had been laying awake worrying about it, but she wasn’t very interested.

We asked to meet with her at the beginning of the school year to explain that we were concerned about possible ADHD, but she refused to meet us and just said she would speak to us when it was time for parents’ evening. Unfortunately, we still didn’t manage to discuss much at parents’ evening either.

OP posts:
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 09/12/2023 11:26

I’ve been teaching for twenty years and usually defend teachers a lot but I totally agree that this was really thoughtless and an unnecessarily alarming way to raise this. You don’t hint at issues then refuse to elaborate further for weeks. It just lacks common sense and empathy. Particularly as it’s Christmas and you now have a holiday where it is worrying you!

napody · 09/12/2023 11:27

cansu · 09/12/2023 10:41

She shouldn't have done this. She should have told you briefly what her concerns were and then made an appointment in January to discuss these concerns with you. I would write a polite email to the school head explaining that it is causing you worry and that you would appreciate a phone call to understand the concerns before a meeting in January. I am a teacher and yes it's busy but there is time for a quick call.

Teacher too and agree. Not fair on you at all.

12345mummy · 09/12/2023 11:27

Ask to speak to whoever’s in charge of SEN at the School or call/email the head and tell them exactly what you have told us. You should not be made left wondering what their concern is over Xmas. I hope you get it sorted x

Finishingoff · 09/12/2023 11:32

You OP and your update suggest you’re dealing with an incredibly unprofessional teacher. Contact the Head on Monday explaining this and ask for a phone call or meeting as a matter of urgency. Check out the complaints policy online too as if you need to put in a compliant you must follow the policy.

VioletLemon · 09/12/2023 11:33

Confused as to WTF the teacher was discussing children your DD plays with, this is a no no in teacher meetings, for 10 minutes.... Did you ask? As in, 'if my dd is taking time to start tasks who is she sitting beside..' type of questions? If the teacher did this off the bat it was unprofessional and clueless. Also why are you equating ADHD with taking time to start a task? Loads of children need time to process and summarise before starting anything. It all takes time and learn in different ways. I've noticed that children who need time to process before starting tend to be very bright and the fact they have cognitive systems in place to process, summarise and then apply is an example of higher order thinking skills. It's such an old fashioned teaching style to think that all children should start in the same way. Unfortunately there are 1 or 2 countries who still have this outdated approach.

WillowTit · 09/12/2023 11:33

i guess if she doesnt have time op, and no doubt it requires time

paddyclampofthethirdkind · 09/12/2023 11:34

This is awful and I’m saying this as a teacher! Email the head - they can’t leave it like this!!

BurbageBrook · 09/12/2023 11:35

Ex teacher here. She's incredibly unprofessional. I'd go to the Head and complain tbh and I'm not the first to suggest that usually.

BurbageBrook · 09/12/2023 11:36

She also sounds like she's on a bit of weird power trip holding January over your head!

Bookworm1111 · 09/12/2023 11:39

It's very cruel of the teacher to raise an issue but refuse to divulge it until well after Christmas. I normally jump to the defence of teachers as I'm married to one, but this teacher sounds like she's on some kind of power trip to keep you hanging on. I would escalate it – you've given her enough chances to tell you.

Tabletable · 09/12/2023 11:40

Goodness, that’s absolutely awful. Try contacting the Senco as well because if she’s that concerned the Senco will be aware. If the Senco isn’t aware, then she isn’t that concerned or she isn’t doing her job properly! I can’t believe she brought this up at parents’ evening in this way.

napody · 09/12/2023 11:44

WillowTit · 09/12/2023 11:33

i guess if she doesnt have time op, and no doubt it requires time

But in that case she shouldn't have mentioned it at all until she did have time to discuss it properly.

Luckypoppy · 09/12/2023 11:51

As a teacher, please contact head or senco. They shouldn't have done this at all. This is your child and they can't just leave you hanging now. They are really out of order.