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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
5128gap · 08/12/2023 13:38

I think your colleague is stuck in teen boy mode where you tell a girl she's 'boring' in the hopes she'll want to show you she's not. I don't supposed it worked when he was 15 either.
This is not about you at all, its completely about him and his arrested development. Hoping for your sake he's just the token creep rather than reflective of your new colleagues in general.

Branleuse · 08/12/2023 13:45

youre new and youre the only woman in this male dominated new job, and he has singled you out, insulted you, and then pretending that he didnt even do anything? I think I would be reconsidering the job as well, but I think its important to bring this up to HR. This type of bullshit might be the reason they cant get women to stay, and also, report it because fuck him, the misogynistic lying bastard. I think the reaction you get when you report will tell you a lot about the company

MyChristmasTree · 08/12/2023 13:51

If you want to quit, do it and find a better job. Sounds like there’s a reason you’re the only woman.
He was doing ti to put you in your place, bullies never admit to what they have done, makes no sense to do so to them. He might not fancy you, but figured negging was a way to have a quick shag in the parking lot cheered on by his mates.

notacooldad · 08/12/2023 13:58

The OP did close it down though...the issue is that the man then followed her about and hassled her further before hitting her with his coat!!

Indeed, he did. However i wouldn't have engaged with someone that was drunk and start telling them I'm offended. That's just prolonging the engagement and giving them a way in to argue back. I think the behaviour doesn't need to be swept under the carpet and can be addressed but in a social work situation where everyone has has a few drinks I would have parked it for now.

The man is a prat and I certainly wouldn't be resigning over it.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 14:04

I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

Drunk.

The accidentally (?) hitting you with his coat

Drunk.

He needs to be a bit more "boring" himself and watch how much he drinks - because he's clearly a verbal diarrhea spouting, offensive, uncoordinated, unaware of what he's doing physically 24 carat cringeworthy idiot when he's drunk.

I would not be resigning over someone like him.

Might report to HR though.

EyeInTheSky23 · 08/12/2023 14:07

As an aside this reminds me a teeny bit of when my obese, sweaty, stinky, crumpled clothes wearing, work shy male ex colleague told me never to wear a dress over trousers (it was a short tunic dress over trousers) ...

The internal response should be the same "fuck off, you idiot".

The external response should probably be - "you are being totally inappropriate, go away".

I was too taken aback to say that, as you no doubt were; and your insult was worse.

Winederlust · 08/12/2023 19:24

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 08/12/2023 04:14

And some of us really don't care enough about a petty remark such as this to complain.

If I were a manager, or in HR, a complaint about something so trivial would have me rolling my eyes and despairing about the resilience of people today.

Honestly, after spending some time on MN over the past few days I'm beginning to think I am so laid back in comparison to many of you as to be practically horizontal!

Show quote history

I don't think management or HR are the career paths for you in that case.

OP this I would class as 'workplace bullying'. You wouldn't put up with it in the office and as PP say a works do is an extension of the workplace and the same rules apply.

Winederlust · 08/12/2023 19:30

"Young men are morons, what can you do."
Erm, not put up with it and teach them that actions have consequences?

newandconfused5 · 08/12/2023 20:24

Isn't it part of the 'game'..

You offend them first which makes you want to chase them?

I think it's something like that! Check out the game

Ohhoho · 09/12/2023 17:23

It was a stupid pick up line. You should just roll your eyes and say yeah. Of course you are not boring.

RavenhairedRachel · 09/12/2023 17:24

The office Bell end .Every workplace had one

GoingToBeLessRubbishAtLife · 09/12/2023 17:31

toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:37

Tbh I don't love the job anyway and this is just one more reason for me to think life is too short to be putting up with nonsense.

Oh just leave then. You don’t have to push back against everything in life, it’s perfectly okay to say I don’t like you/this job/this area/insert literally anything here, and to just move on.

Milliemoo6 · 09/12/2023 17:33

What a dick. Please don't resign. If you don't want to let it go then speak to your LM or HR, its not OK for him to behave like that even if its outside of work.

Lottie3444 · 09/12/2023 17:34

Yes definitely don't resign just ignore him. I'm boring in work and on works do as your there to do a job not collect mates. Home/private life is different if you had let your hair down it properly would of been frown upon anyway so best to be boring lol don't let it affect your work or your weekend

Platypuslover · 09/12/2023 17:35

Raise a grievance! This will not be the first time this bloke has done this and won’t be the last if he isn’t stopped.

OShoey · 09/12/2023 17:46

He seems boring and a bit of a prick too. I'd have told him so. You'll probably find out that's the general consensus at work.

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:49

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/12/2023 04:06

Work "do's" are extensions of the workplace.
It's no longer acceptable to write behaviour off as awkward or alcohol talking, etc.
How are you now expected to feel at the office?
For me, I can't put up with this shit from colleagues anymore. I'd write it up and submit to my manager or HR asking if this is acceptable behaviour in the company as you feel very uncomfortable.
To do nothing is tacit consent, really, to be treated like crap, protects the bully and allows mistreatment of women in the workplace.
Why (we) women are continuing to let this type of behaviour go is beyond my understanding. It's 2023, not 1963.

Unless other colleagues are prepared to back you up, there is no other evidence of what he said and it will be his word against yours. I wouldn't risk a whole hoo-ha that's not going to achieve anything, particularly this early in your employment.

Ignore the plank. He'd probably had too much to drink anyway. Not worth getting upset over.

Reidie · 09/12/2023 17:49

If you resign he has won. You stay and continue to embarrass him because of his behaviour then you have won xxxx

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:49

Platypuslover · 09/12/2023 17:35

Raise a grievance! This will not be the first time this bloke has done this and won’t be the last if he isn’t stopped.

And what is that going to achieve???

allmyliesaretrue · 09/12/2023 17:53

Winederlust · 08/12/2023 19:24

I don't think management or HR are the career paths for you in that case.

OP this I would class as 'workplace bullying'. You wouldn't put up with it in the office and as PP say a works do is an extension of the workplace and the same rules apply.

Show quote history

You need to learn the definition of "bullying". A one-off incident is not bullying.

All I can say is, I am glad I am not HR in the companies you work in. Some of you need to learn to 'adult' not run to HR with every little complaint! Don't you think they've enough to do?!

AnneValentine · 09/12/2023 17:53

toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:16

@LostFrog yes I did post at 02:49.

I wasn't drunk and have woken up this morning feeling the same way as I did last night.

I don't think me staying out past 10pm gives a colleague license to be rude to me

You reined it in because you’ve presumably taken things too far in the past.

that’s what this guy did.

you will have no doubt annoyed and offended others in the past.

word of warning though - there’s nothing worse than a colleague who’s reining it in going to the long haul.

wronginalltherightways · 09/12/2023 17:57

Holly60 · 08/12/2023 05:02

He wanted you to say 'I'm not boring!'

Then he'd say 'prove it'

Yada yada yada.

It was a line.

This

Be glad you didn't.

He showed himself up with his behaviour, and if he continues to be a twat, report him to HR

scoobydoo1971 · 09/12/2023 17:57

Once upon a time, in a far away land...(alright, a council housing office), there was a Christmas party I was tasked with attending (forced by management). At the party was Dave from technical services. Dave had thrown me some loving looks over the photocopier (otherwise known as staring and drooling), but would not say boo to a goose (even a Christmas one) in the office. Quiet and sly I thought he was, and a bit of a nasty geek. Throw a few drinks in him, and Dave the dull thought he was Dave the Rave. He tried staring, he tried buying me a drink (I refused) and then the insults came my way as I was saying my goodbyes to leave for another commitment. He said you think highly of yourself being Head of that team, don't you? How boring are you leaving now? I know you don't have a boyfriend, and you won't look at me twice on your high horse. Frankly he wasn't wrong, and if the apocalypse happened and he was the last fertile man left then I would not have saved the human race. I didn't engage as I was planning on leaving and did not want to make a show. I left the job soon after but stayed in touch with some of the team. Roll on one year, Dave has a new target for his romantic ineptitude. It was the new secretary Alison, and he spun her the same line, and baited her to drink shots to prove she wasn't boring. She got absolutely off her face on alcohol, and was last seen going off with him in a taxi. She ended up sleeping with dodgy Dave that night, they were all laughing about it in technical services days later as a bit of a 'lads joke', she left the job as she felt bad and they left post it notes on her screen about being an Alley cat that made her cry. Some men are just revolting.

tachycardigan · 09/12/2023 17:57

AnneValentine · 09/12/2023 17:53

You reined it in because you’ve presumably taken things too far in the past.

that’s what this guy did.

you will have no doubt annoyed and offended others in the past.

word of warning though - there’s nothing worse than a colleague who’s reining it in going to the long haul.

Show quote history

Victim blaming much. This guy has physically assaulted OP and gaslighted her, no where has OP said that she’s done the same.

WestwardHo1 · 09/12/2023 17:59

"Well frankly I'm really pleased someone like you doesn't find me interesting. Night night."

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