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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so offended :(

341 replies

toospenny · 08/12/2023 02:49

It was my work Christmas do today.

I am fairly new and was on my best behaviour as I imagine most people would be. I was friendly and made conversations but didn't go wild. I'm generally a very outgoing person but have a history of getting too drunk so reined myself in.

I went to the organised activity and out for the meal afterwards. At the meal there was a lot of pressure to go on to the drinks that had been organised for afterwards.

Half the team went home and half carries on.

I went on to the bar be had a lovely time dancing and chatting. Until one of my male colleagues came over and said to me "I've been discussing this out X and we think you're nice bit very boring".

I was so upset and offended and told him to naff off basically. I then went and sat down to gather my things to leave at which point he came over and tries to engage in conversation.

I told him I was hurt and offended by his comment and he claimed he'd said nothing of the sort and I'd "imagined" it. But other people heard him say it?!

He then said I'd made a mistake. No apology. Full blown gaslighting Bohr was obviously annoyed I'd pulled him up on his rudeness and when I was leaving he hit my "accidentally" twice on the head with his coat.

I am so hurt. I feel like resigning

OP posts:
Wittyname10 · 08/12/2023 10:12

toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:01

Perhaps I am giving it too much headspace but for me it spoilt an otherwise good day.

I felt I let my guard down and joined in and then he was rude to me.

More than that though it's was the superior attitude and the insistence he was obviously correct and I was obviously wrong. Also the hitting me with the coat is ridiculous and intend to put me back in my pace for saying something.

The coat thing is the most concerning part of it for me.

I think you're well within your rights to find another job, but don't resign because of this wanker. Hold your head high and don't allow yourself to be bullied, well done for calling out his bullshit and be consistent! If he does it again call him out, and keep calling it out.

ValerieGoldberg · 08/12/2023 10:18

OP I feel some posters have been a bit harsh. I think when you are new to a job you put yourself out there to get to know people and you’re trying to make a good impression and integrate into the team. It might come naturally to some but not others. It’s even harder when your the only female. So the fact that you went and tried to get to know people is a positive thing. I bet part of you probably didn’t want to go but you’ve made an effort.

I think you dealt with his behaviour very well. It isn’t as much about the actual comment, which some posters have brushed off. It’s the fact that he did it in front of new colleagues, was inappropriate and rude, gaslit you, and was an arsehole as he left by tapping you with his jacket.

While I think resigning is a step too far at this point. I would mention it to management. Their response and attitude will tell you whether it is a good place to work or a shit one. One poster said HR or management would roll their eyes. I don’t think they would. Someone else said it is an extension of the workplace, it is. He shouldn’t have done it. He’s probably done shit like this before. So I would hold your head high, raise it with your manager. See how they deal with it, and then decide whether or not to stay.

CreationNat1on · 08/12/2023 10:26

So glad I didn't go to my work Xmas party last night, 3 hour drive away, lots of bad behaviour without alcohol, can only imagine what happens with alcohol.

CreationNat1on · 08/12/2023 10:30

As you are new, I ld raise it informally with HR, the hitting you with a coat, is a mild assault. People are mad, he is clearly a mysogynist...... Expects women to entertain him. He probably wanted you to say "I m not boring, I ll get my tits out to prove it", or something equally as ridiculous.

Minniliscious · 08/12/2023 10:35

Can’t say this would bother me? Sorry it bothered you though but seriously - does it matter?

StaunchMomma · 08/12/2023 10:47

I'd wager the 'boring' comment was due to you not drinking a lot.

He's sounds like a standard office bell end, OP. Be glad he's shown you who he is, swerve whenever possible from now on and don't resign if you are otherwise happy there - a new office is likely to have their own knob head anyway.

If he brings it up and tries to gaslight you again just point out that others heard what he said then refuse to discuss it any further.

People can be such momentous dicks, OP. You do have control of how much you let it get to you, though.

ManchesterGirl2 · 08/12/2023 10:52

It seems to me like a "hey i want to show i have power over you" dickish insult.

How did the others who heard it respond?

If they're willing to stick up for you and deal with the offender, then I'd probably chalk it up to one idiot, and carry on. But if there's a general culture of accepting sexist twattery, i think you're right to look elsewhere, they don't deserve your skills and effort if they treat you like this.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 08/12/2023 10:55

He sounds like a wanker. I’d try not to let it bother you and definitely don’t quit if you like the job.

Maray1967 · 08/12/2023 11:01

Ohnoooooooo · 08/12/2023 05:19

It was clearly a chat up line. He likes you. Or did. He sounds very immature.

Yes - and then got defensive when you called him out on it. He’s an idiot, but see this positively - you now know what he’s like.

Be professional with him, no more, and do not resign!

Weddingblues23 · 08/12/2023 11:29

Negging. 100% NOT a reflection of your personality.

Who was the person that he was supposedly discussing this with? Have you asked them about it?

Saz12 · 08/12/2023 11:37

He's a total dickhead, whatever his motivation was (I imagine he hoped you'd proove that you're not boring by shagging him). BUT - thats it, he's just that office dickhead, you dont need to resign / mess up your career and finances because of him.

Any crap from him today or then definitely go to HR. Im not sure I'd complain otherwise.

Stiritscrapitmakeitbakeit · 08/12/2023 11:39

And some of us really don't care enough about a petty remark such as this to complain

I agree with this. I'm probably a fair bit older than you, OP, and if that happened to me, I'd say "jolly good", give him a withering look, and turn my back on him and carry on with whatever I was doing. That would be the end of it.

Too much is made nowadays of nothing.

bridgetreilly · 08/12/2023 11:39

Frankly, I think you massively overreacted. If you take offence that easily, life must be very hard.

StopStartStop · 08/12/2023 11:56

Shake it off. He's a dick. Go and bore the lot of them to death, get paid, get promoted, have a great life.

eta: He's a total dickhead, whatever his motivation was (I imagine he hoped you'd proove that you're not boring by shagging him).
That was my first thought, too. He's trying his hand at negging and trying his luck with you. Make sure he never gets as much as a feel. Go with his mate. No, I didn't mean that...

Angrycat2768 · 08/12/2023 12:00

toospenny · 08/12/2023 08:37

Tbh I don't love the job anyway and this is just one more reason for me to think life is too short to be putting up with nonsense.

If you don't love the job and you are looking to move onto another one, I would have his cards marked over anything else he does, resign and put it all in your resignation letter. They would have spent money on advertising and interviewing only to have some dickhead waste it all so they have to advertise again.

tomatoontoast · 08/12/2023 12:12

I would go straight to HR. Especially considering he hit you after with his coat.

Bilbymum · 08/12/2023 12:24

A sort of loud boisterous “laddish” employee came up to me at my Xmas party, who I have NEVER interacted with but sits near me, said “why are you so serious all the time” - I go into the office once a week, I have nothing to do with his team, what’s it to him whether I crack jokes all day or sit stony faced at my desk, or somewhere in between? I just smiled and said something like, how would you know, then sort of danced away. It occasionally annoys me when the scenario pops into my head, and I find him highly irritating (usually put earbuds in when he’s talking extravagant banter), but why give the offender any more headspace or let them impact you further? Twats will be twats. You are numero uno so focus on yourself.

lordloveadog · 08/12/2023 12:27

This behaviour has a name (which I've of course forgotten). It's a red flag. Abusive people say something negative like 'you seem boring' or 'maybe it makes you nervous me talking to you' so you feel like you have to prove them wrong, and in doing so you're drawn past your own boundaries.

He's shown you he's a nasty piece of work. Avoid him.

Other women there probably know he's a bad'un.

housethatbuiltme · 08/12/2023 12:42

Honestly I need everyone else's account of this to make any judgement.

I say this because you self describe EXACTLY like my SIL self describes herself, when she has a drink she an utter nightmare. She gets hyper offended and defensive then attacks people over NOTHING and then convinces herself it was the other persons fault and they said x,y,z and everyone is on 'her side' when actually everyone is avoiding and tiptoeing around her.

She acknowledges she has a 'history of getting too drunk' but never admits when she currently has and passes it off as people clashing with her 'outgoing personality' too.

Viviennemary · 08/12/2023 12:51

He is a complete twit. Don't give it another thought. I certainly wouldn't have a chat with my manager. It might even have been a clumsy chat up line for all you know, whatever it was he is an idiot and not worth the time of day.

SuperPug · 08/12/2023 13:13

Completely not acceptable. It’s disrespectful and rude.
I think you need to take back some of the power here. You shouldn’t be left stewing with that comment and it’s inconsequential what other people think. The gaslighting is quite weird as well and manipulative. The suggestion of an informal chat with your manager is a good one.
I have made lifelong friends from various workplaces but I can imagine this person as someone who builds their whole identity around their workplace and if you are not ‘pranking’, drinking or whatever, they deem this as ‘boring’.

ilovesushi · 08/12/2023 13:13

That's really horrible. He sounds an absolute arse. Hopefully your other colleagues are halfway decent. It sounds like you were having a nice night until he starting being a twat, so don't make any hasty decisions about leaving because of one idiot. It sounds like you really should report it. He is clearly a complete gaslighter and will lie through his teeth and make it sounds like you are blowing something up out of nothing. I think you can combat that by being very factual and very professional. What an absolute pain though. No one gets paid enough to have to deal with this sort of nasty immaturity. x

notacooldad · 08/12/2023 13:15

Why do you care about what one random drunk moron says, honestly, get over yourself.

Harsh! She has to work with him!
She can still not give two hoots about him though.

I've had this kind of nonsense before. I just agree with them! I would have smiled and said 'you're right, I am' and moved on. They've got no where to go with it then, you've closed the conversation down.

WillowCraft · 08/12/2023 13:17

If I was new to a workplce and a man 20 years younger than me said I was boring I would find it hurtful too. I wouldn't care if someone thought I was boring, especially someone I didn't even know, bur it's the fact that a virtual stranger would deliberately try and ruin my evening that would bother me. He is clearly an obnoxious bully with personal issues.
I think you handled it well though. I'm not sure about reporting as it's going to sound quite trivial but at least you have the measure of him now.

WillowCraft · 08/12/2023 13:19

notacooldad · 08/12/2023 13:15

Why do you care about what one random drunk moron says, honestly, get over yourself.

Harsh! She has to work with him!
She can still not give two hoots about him though.

I've had this kind of nonsense before. I just agree with them! I would have smiled and said 'you're right, I am' and moved on. They've got no where to go with it then, you've closed the conversation down.

The OP did close it down though...the issue is that the man then followed her about and hassled her further before hitting her with his coat!!