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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bothered by how easy things can be for some

109 replies

MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:30

Feel bad just writing this.
I am lucky and privileged in many ways in life but I can’t help being envious of other people lives when they have way more than I do and generally seem to obtain things more easily.
DH and I have been saving for years and years to be able to buy our first home and we had to compromise on a small house we don’t really like. We are lucky to have 2 wonderful DC but we don’t have any help and parenting has taken a toll on us and our finances.
I have a colleague at work that comes from a very rich family and also happened to marry a very rich guy. They have just bought a fabulous house in a beautiful part of the town that they are decorating as they like (29 and 30 years old) and they still seem to have a lot of spare cash for lots of exotic holidays in fancy hotels, dinners in the best restaurants, luxury clothes etc.
I know I should be more mature about it all but I can’t help but be bothered by how easy all of this is/has been for her whereas some of us have to work so hard to achieve a fraction of that.
Anyone feels the same and what tips do you have to cope with this feeling?

OP posts:
Closetheblinds · 07/12/2023 18:33

Try looking at what you do have rather than what you don’t have.
Holidays and extra cash is great but if that’s not your life or budget then you will only make yourself miserable with envy

Riverlee · 07/12/2023 18:34

I think everyone is envious at someone at some point. It’s a natural reaction but unfortunately life isn’t fair.

Regarding tips, acknowledge that you feel these feelings and don’t beat yourself up about them. Also, to use an old saying, count your blessings. I know this is easier said then done at times.

notlucreziaborgia · 07/12/2023 18:34

Do you want better for yourself, or worse for them? Would their life being harder improve yours?

klajs · 07/12/2023 18:35

It's natural I think, but it's all down to your perception. I think when you feel like that it helps to practice gratitude; 2 kids, healthy? Good relationship? Own your own house. I'm sure you have a long list of things other people would be envious of. Don't lose sight of what you do have focussing on what you don't have.

There will always be people better off than you, and worse off than you, you will never change or control that, what you can control is how you choose to reflect on your own life. Easier said than done, and takes time, (and easier when kids become older and easier, I remember the childcare jealousy vividly!)

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/12/2023 18:36

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Pillboxer · 07/12/2023 18:36

notlucreziaborgia · 07/12/2023 18:34

Do you want better for yourself, or worse for them? Would their life being harder improve yours?

Good post.

Original poster
MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:37

I count my blessings every day and completely understand how privileged I am in so many ways. Rationally I know all this. It just gets me when I hear all about her life at work and feel a sense of underachievement and envy :( I hate being like this.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 18:39

Every human occasionally has moments of envy or jealousy.

Practising gratitude is very helpful, thinking about what you have is proven to make mental health better.

It is also very easy to focus on money - it is easy to count and measure and compare.

But what is your life like in terms of love, health, safety, peace and support? These things are worth a lot.

TreesWelliesKnees · 07/12/2023 18:39

I think it's common to feel like that. I feel it less now I'm getting older as I can see how life can turn on a sixpence. My own life has, and so has that of several friends who I thought were lucky but who have now suffered bereavement, infertility, divorce, unemployment etc. There are very few people who get through life without some sort of struggle at some stage. That helps me to be more philosophical about things. It also helps to focus on everything you do have, whether that's a good marriage, wonderful DC, your health, a dry, warm home, secure work etc.

klajs · 07/12/2023 18:39

If gratitude isn't working can you channel any of that into motivation, that certainly helped me as a young mum trying to get myself out of a financial hole, I went back to uni.

twistyizzy · 07/12/2023 18:41

You remind me of DH, he can never enjoy what we have because he is constantly comparing what we have against what his friends have got. It is exhausting! Instead of living in the here and now with myself and DD he constantly compares what we do to other families.
I have learned to just ignore him, I just can't understand his mindset but I know it doesn't make him happy.
Oh FYI we have an excellent joint salary for the NE, are only 5 years from paying off the mortgage, he has a 4 yr old BMW that he bought with cash, excellent pension etc BUT he still isn't happy.

Comedycook · 07/12/2023 18:42

I understand but don't forget there's people everywhere who will be thinking the same thing about your life.

balmysummerevening · 07/12/2023 18:42

I hate being like this

So, don't. Your thoughts aren't facts and you have control over them. Whatever you mentally feed, grows. If you heard someone on YouTube talking about the earth being flat would you just accept it as truth? of course not. You'd dismiss it immediately. So do the same to these thoughts. They are merely perceptual distortions created by your mind to cover up fearful or sad feelings - find out the root of those feelings and change your thoughts.

Frenchfancy · 07/12/2023 18:42

Whenever I feel like this I try to compare my life with someone who has less than me rather than more. It is easy to be jealous of people who have more than you but remember that there are millions of people out there who are jealous of YOUR life. Who would love to have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Who would love to be in a great relationship. Who would love to have children.

MissingMoominMamma · 07/12/2023 18:43

MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:37

I count my blessings every day and completely understand how privileged I am in so many ways. Rationally I know all this. It just gets me when I hear all about her life at work and feel a sense of underachievement and envy :( I hate being like this.

You haven’t underachieved- you just haven’t had the leg up that your colleague has.

Be very proud of what you’ve achieved and enjoy it. Don’t ever compare- there will always be someone better off than you, but remember- they may not be as happy, or have as much gratitude for their situation.

tralalass · 07/12/2023 18:44

Generational wealth will always give some a leg up. The rest of us have to work hard and do the best we can.
No point in sulking or being envious. You have to play the hand you've been dealt - focus on the blessings you do have :)

Savagecabbage101 · 07/12/2023 18:47

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/12/2023 18:36

Comparison is the thief of joy.

So true, that’s why social media is so toxic.

NeedToChangeName · 07/12/2023 18:47

You're married

You have two children

You have bought a house

You are in employment

In the absence of suggestion otherwise, I assume you have good health

Lots to be thankful for

Plenty of people with more than you. Plenty with less

NeedToChangeName · 07/12/2023 18:50

TreesWelliesKnees · 07/12/2023 18:39

I think it's common to feel like that. I feel it less now I'm getting older as I can see how life can turn on a sixpence. My own life has, and so has that of several friends who I thought were lucky but who have now suffered bereavement, infertility, divorce, unemployment etc. There are very few people who get through life without some sort of struggle at some stage. That helps me to be more philosophical about things. It also helps to focus on everything you do have, whether that's a good marriage, wonderful DC, your health, a dry, warm home, secure work etc.

Yes that's a v good point

Being older gives a sense of perspective that, at different times, people's lives are easier or more difficult

I expect we will all have tines when we feel life is (not) going our way

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2023 18:51

There might be a lot that you don't know about her life and wouldn't be envious of. Stop comparing, delete Instagram if you use it

notlucreziaborgia · 07/12/2023 18:52

MissingMoominMamma · 07/12/2023 18:43

You haven’t underachieved- you just haven’t had the leg up that your colleague has.

Be very proud of what you’ve achieved and enjoy it. Don’t ever compare- there will always be someone better off than you, but remember- they may not be as happy, or have as much gratitude for their situation.

Show quote history

or they may be just as happy, or even happier 🤷🏻‍♀️

Imagining that someone else materially better off than you is secretly miserable, in order to make yourself feel better, has never struck me to be a great trait tbh.

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 07/12/2023 19:03

MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:30

Feel bad just writing this.
I am lucky and privileged in many ways in life but I can’t help being envious of other people lives when they have way more than I do and generally seem to obtain things more easily.
DH and I have been saving for years and years to be able to buy our first home and we had to compromise on a small house we don’t really like. We are lucky to have 2 wonderful DC but we don’t have any help and parenting has taken a toll on us and our finances.
I have a colleague at work that comes from a very rich family and also happened to marry a very rich guy. They have just bought a fabulous house in a beautiful part of the town that they are decorating as they like (29 and 30 years old) and they still seem to have a lot of spare cash for lots of exotic holidays in fancy hotels, dinners in the best restaurants, luxury clothes etc.
I know I should be more mature about it all but I can’t help but be bothered by how easy all of this is/has been for her whereas some of us have to work so hard to achieve a fraction of that.
Anyone feels the same and what tips do you have to cope with this feeling?

Find someone worse off. Like me.

We are currently living in a temporary flat near work/studies because prices are so insane we can't afford to buy anything in the city and the transport between a house we can afford and work/studies is too much. Every month I feel like throwing money out of the window on something we have to move from in a few months time. My biggest purchase this month was a vacuum-cleaner, and yet our savings are dwindling. On walking the dog I sometimes stop and stare dreamily at solid houses with gardens and wonder if I'll manage to buy a house before my dog becomes too old to enjoy the garden. Sigh.

Ansjovis · 07/12/2023 19:07

I have just paid off my mortgage at 37 years old. However, I will never have anyone call me "Mummy". So: I am envious of you, you are envious of me. That's because we only see parts of other people's lives, not the whole picture. You cannot immediately change your automatic responses to seeing people who have what you want, just as I can't. All you can do is recognise when you're going down that track and pull yourself back to the present, to what you have. It gets repetitive but it's the only thing you can do.

MissingMoominMamma · 07/12/2023 19:11

notlucreziaborgia · 07/12/2023 18:52

or they may be just as happy, or even happier 🤷🏻‍♀️

Imagining that someone else materially better off than you is secretly miserable, in order to make yourself feel better, has never struck me to be a great trait tbh.

Show quote history

Which is why I said “may” not.

People can be envious at any stage of wealth, unless they’re the richest person on the planet. They can also be wildly happy. Best not to assume was my point.

Vinoveritass · 07/12/2023 19:19

It's hard and I get it. However it was eye opening to me that friends who had what was objectively a dream home for so many people, and being used to so much money in their circles were determined to upgrade to essentially a manor house on land. They must have felt the same envy as you do about the upgrade from their very very privileged life and situation. They constantly strive and go through so much hassle and upheaval to achieve it. I would have been absolutely thrilled with their other house! So I don't think that many people are truly satisfied. Try really hard to overcome the feelings you have and take the advice of older posters who say things change as.life goes on and you don't know what's in store for everyone, does help. I do get it though!!!