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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be bothered by how easy things can be for some

109 replies

MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:30

Feel bad just writing this.
I am lucky and privileged in many ways in life but I can’t help being envious of other people lives when they have way more than I do and generally seem to obtain things more easily.
DH and I have been saving for years and years to be able to buy our first home and we had to compromise on a small house we don’t really like. We are lucky to have 2 wonderful DC but we don’t have any help and parenting has taken a toll on us and our finances.
I have a colleague at work that comes from a very rich family and also happened to marry a very rich guy. They have just bought a fabulous house in a beautiful part of the town that they are decorating as they like (29 and 30 years old) and they still seem to have a lot of spare cash for lots of exotic holidays in fancy hotels, dinners in the best restaurants, luxury clothes etc.
I know I should be more mature about it all but I can’t help but be bothered by how easy all of this is/has been for her whereas some of us have to work so hard to achieve a fraction of that.
Anyone feels the same and what tips do you have to cope with this feeling?

OP posts:
Mihijita · 08/12/2023 11:48

To be honest it doesn’t really bother me. Life can change in an instant and I focus on how far I have come and what I have. I only have a small house but I bought it alone with no help. I was homeless for a time in my teens so this is huge to me. I also work in healthcare so I’m very aware of the value of good health. My most wealthy patient was working on their deathbed - family wasn’t around. Money doesn’t mean everything. I think it doesn’t bother me because I remind myself of this.

SalmonWellington · 08/12/2023 11:50

There's jealousy - doesn't help anyone - and there's recognising that we've built an unfair society.

Properly applied (ie without loopholes) inheritance tax may be the single best measure to make the country fairer.

The usual criticism is that it isn't fair because you've already paid tax on that money doesn't hold up. 1) On that logic if you pay alcohol duty on a pint that you buy with taxed income you're also paying twice. 2) That's how tax works. I pay income tax; the state spends money on roads, hospitals and all that: because of that spending I can work and pay more income tax. It all keeps on going round.

bellsandwhistles333 · 08/12/2023 12:08

I'm sure there is someone you know that looks at your family and is jealous of some element of your life :)
It's a natural thing to feel but don't let it eat away at you

notlucreziaborgia · 08/12/2023 12:14

SalmonWellington · 08/12/2023 11:50

There's jealousy - doesn't help anyone - and there's recognising that we've built an unfair society.

Properly applied (ie without loopholes) inheritance tax may be the single best measure to make the country fairer.

The usual criticism is that it isn't fair because you've already paid tax on that money doesn't hold up. 1) On that logic if you pay alcohol duty on a pint that you buy with taxed income you're also paying twice. 2) That's how tax works. I pay income tax; the state spends money on roads, hospitals and all that: because of that spending I can work and pay more income tax. It all keeps on going round.

Not in you want to encourage economic growth, and attract wealth and what it brings with it. The net outflow of wealthy individuals from the UK is the third highest in the world, and it’s a problem. While some of course stay, there’s not enough staying that can plug the gap. They’re also not a bottomless source of funds. So the result of this is an ever increasing burden on those who can’t afford it, and public services facing inevitable collapse.

’Just increase taxes!’ as a knee jerk and ideological reaction doesn’t actually mean an increase in tax revenue, and in fact can mean the reverse.

JamSandle · 08/12/2023 12:15

First rule of life: it isn't fair.

Not an easy pill to swallow, but things are easier once you do.

Count your blessings...which are still many.

ohdrearydrearyme · 08/12/2023 12:30

You really need to change your mindset.

Are you truly grateful for what you have?

Are you even fully aware of how well off you are?

I'll give just one example from my own life:

  1. I have type 1 diabetes. If I looked at it negatively, I could dwell on the fact that my blood sugars fluctuate way too much no matter how carefully I try to control them, I can't eat freely and utterly without concern the way people without diabetes can, there is always the risk of long term complications such as blindness, and so on. High blood sugar feels terrible and is terrible for your body long term, and low blood sugar carries the risk of going unconscious or even dying. EVERYTHING affects blood sugar, how much you eat, what you eat, sickness, exercise, even ambient temperature. I can never never go more than a few hours without thinking about blood sugar, can't engage in certain activities because it would be too dangerous (scuba diving, for example) and, like I said before, can never just eat something freely the way someone without diabetes can.

If I looked at it from this mindset, I would feel pretty shit. So I choose not to.

Looked at positively, I have of necessity had to learn way more about food and nutrition than the average person and this helps me eat better than many do. In addition, I am lucky enough to be born in an era where insulin and the means to test blood sugar have been invented and am lucky to be in a rich enough country that both are available to me.
A couple of hundred years ago someone with Type 1 would be dead not long after developing it and that is still the case in many poorer parts of the world. And it's not a pretty death.
I am lucky enough to be born in an era and to live in a place where I am literate enough to understand both my condition and what I need to do to deal with it.
I am lucky enough to be able to afford and acquire food that is healthy and doesn't harm my condition.
When I look at it, I find it hard to believe quite how lucky I am.

An anecdote:
A couple of decades back I lived in India, my husband's home country, for a few years. At the diabetes clinic (in Delhi, at a big state run hospital where consultations - which were free although medicine was not - took place in one big room with everyone waiting their turn present and listening in), the woman before me was clearly a labourer who worked on road building, carrying bricks. (The job is done by one particular sub-caste where the women wear distinctive clothing, so very easy to recognize). They live in temporary mud huts which they build near the side of the road where they work, pump their water from wells by the roadside , cook dal and chappati - because that is all they can afford- over fires out in the open that they've made from cow dung or coal taken from the railways.
In other words, they're unimaginably poor. It was clear from the consultation that she was newly diagnosed with Type 1, was completely illiterate including being unable to read numbers, would not be able to afford any kind of medicine or have the literacy to be able to give the right amount of it should she be able to acquire it. Insulin needs to be refrigerated, which was obviously out of the question...

If I ever feel like comparing my medical condition with someone, I think of her.

For you: just think about some of your advantages.
You live in a country with no war or civil war.
You live in a country not exactly known for earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tidal waves or other major natural disasters.
You can turn on a tap and water comes out. And its clean and drinkable and won't give you cholera.
A mosquito bite won't give you malaria.
You can wash your clothes just by chucking them in a machine.
You have education.
And literacy.
And a job.
And children.
And health.

You've caught me in a grumpy mood.

Stop comparing. No good comes of it. Or, if you must compare, then compare yourself with the vast majority of humanity who has life much harder than you and feel grateful for how lucky you are.

gannett · 08/12/2023 12:38

I don't really think about those who have it easier than me. I know a lot of them and while pots of money would always be nice to have I'm not especially envious of their overall lives (or why they have the pots of money).

Not to be sanctimonious, but there are so many people who have it so much harder than me at all, both in this country and abroad. While I'm hardly wealthy by MN standards I have everything I need. Material envy feels blinkered at best, a rather vulgar indulgence at worst.

If you're unhappy at the extent to which you feel it, can I suggest volunteering with refugees or the homeless.

1mabon · 08/07/2024 13:09

Suck it up, many would love what you have. clearly you are jealous.

voiceofastar · 08/07/2024 13:17

There are studies on this. Once we have obtained our basic needs, it's not how much we have but how much we have compared to other people that leads to unhappiness.

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