Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bothered by how easy things can be for some

109 replies

MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:30

Feel bad just writing this.
I am lucky and privileged in many ways in life but I can’t help being envious of other people lives when they have way more than I do and generally seem to obtain things more easily.
DH and I have been saving for years and years to be able to buy our first home and we had to compromise on a small house we don’t really like. We are lucky to have 2 wonderful DC but we don’t have any help and parenting has taken a toll on us and our finances.
I have a colleague at work that comes from a very rich family and also happened to marry a very rich guy. They have just bought a fabulous house in a beautiful part of the town that they are decorating as they like (29 and 30 years old) and they still seem to have a lot of spare cash for lots of exotic holidays in fancy hotels, dinners in the best restaurants, luxury clothes etc.
I know I should be more mature about it all but I can’t help but be bothered by how easy all of this is/has been for her whereas some of us have to work so hard to achieve a fraction of that.
Anyone feels the same and what tips do you have to cope with this feeling?

OP posts:
Qwerty556 · 07/12/2023 20:23

I don't deny that male privilege and white privilege exist but middle class privilege can often lead to an easier life (in some ways) than many middle class people realise.

Give0fecks · 07/12/2023 20:27

Did you get pregnant fairly easily @MumOfTwoTwins ? Or did you struggle with infertility? Did you have a relatively safe pregnancy? Did you nearly die when giving birth?

maybe you’ve had some things easier than others?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 07/12/2023 20:56

We all see people who appear to have it easier than we do, but no-one really knows for sure what has gone on in people's lives. You need to try to focus on the good in your own life, and not dwell on what others might have.

I am renting at the age of 64, and will be forever - I did own a house once, but due to the timing of my separation could never afford to buy again. So, I could well envy you your small house, but I don't. I am pretty much happy and content most of the time. I can afford to pay my bills, I have no family but do have friends (all with much more money than I have), and I have good health. As far as I'm concerned, that's a lot to be grateful for.

LakeTiticaca · 07/12/2023 20:57

People may seem luckier and happier than you but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors
Count your blessings, as my dear departed DM often used to say

onlysortoflikegardening · 07/12/2023 21:03

It might look easy now but you have no idea what really goes on in people's lives, and what they struggle with. You also don't know what tragedy and hardship may lie in their future that they would give everything to avoid. Life is rarely just easy for anyone all the way through.

cakewitch · 07/12/2023 21:08

It's all just material stuff.. I know people who , on the surface have everything, but they are utterly messed up and miserable, and constantly searching for the next thing. I'd swap being poorer and living in a state of calm contentment for that any day.

girlfriend44 · 07/12/2023 21:29

First World Problems.

Money isn't everything and can't buy your health, but you know this.

There are people who are homeless and people trying to escape war, think about them instead.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 07/12/2023 21:33

User2346522 · 07/12/2023 20:21

Sorry but I hate this type of logic where people with blessed lives from the outside, must be counterbalanced by some hideous secret or appalling tragedy in order for "normies" to feel good about themselves.

Some people genuinely have amazing lives. They will have the same ups and downs of any average human, but on the whole their lives are much better than that of 99% of the population. I think this is what OP is getting at. It's ok to be envious or admire those who are just born lucky. There's a distinction between "Wow I would love to swap places with them if I could" sort of jealousy and "I'm happy with my own life because I bet that rich couple are fucking miserable behind closed doors and he's cheating on her and she can't get pregnant." sort of jealousy.

A lot of people who trot out the "comparison is the thief of joy" line are actually from the second group. They're grateful for their own lives because people who have it better should be suffering in ways that can't be fixed with money. They almost wish it upon them as a justification for the fact you can't have everything in life.

Show quote history

Not in my experience.

I dated a billionaire for 8 years, when I was younger and glam. I've been some incredible places and meet some incredible people. I've got my own unique story and so many people have said I should write a book. I'm not a "normie" as you would call it, and have experienced things 99.9% of the planet never will.

Anyway, back to him.

His ex wife tried to kill him. His eldest had such behavioural problems from being in his shadow and was sent to a behavioural boarding school. The middle was bullied for their weight. Currently struggling with an eating disorder. The youngest he believed wasn't his, and the two have a terrible relationship because of it. He's had two cancer scares. His dad disowned him.

But he and his DC instagram stories put the Kardashians to shame. Thousands of comments about their perfect life of dreams.

Was he "fucking miserable"...no. His life was so busy and filled with jets and yachts and fabulous social life, that the material stuff occupied him enough to be a constant distraction from problems. And not every day held a problem.

Would I rather be him than me? Nope.

His close friend, another billionaire, lost his wife and DC in one horrific car accident. His other friends were not in his wealth league, but still wildly rich to most, and yet were consumed with chasing more money, to get a seat at the top table.

Now, DH and I are happy. And I know people think we have a very charmed existence. Truth is, everyone has skeletons in the closet, real difficulties, tragedies and their own personal battles.

Yeah, we might have a bit of cash. And that's quite nice. It does give you the opportunity to experience a wider breadth of things in life. Financially people can have it easy. It doesn't mean their life is easy. And recognising this doesn't make anyone bitter or jealous.

Jessforless · 07/12/2023 21:33

As someone else said, comparison is the thief of joy. You never know what someone is actually feeling.

I think my richest friend is my unhappiest friend actually.

Nsky62 · 07/12/2023 21:37

My life currently material wise, I cope at 61, divorced live with cat, great.
early retirement as Parkinson’s, yes I’d love things to change, just today a maintenance plan with oesopath and aqua fit

onlysortoflikegardening · 07/12/2023 22:09

User2346522 · 07/12/2023 20:21

Sorry but I hate this type of logic where people with blessed lives from the outside, must be counterbalanced by some hideous secret or appalling tragedy in order for "normies" to feel good about themselves.

Some people genuinely have amazing lives. They will have the same ups and downs of any average human, but on the whole their lives are much better than that of 99% of the population. I think this is what OP is getting at. It's ok to be envious or admire those who are just born lucky. There's a distinction between "Wow I would love to swap places with them if I could" sort of jealousy and "I'm happy with my own life because I bet that rich couple are fucking miserable behind closed doors and he's cheating on her and she can't get pregnant." sort of jealousy.

A lot of people who trot out the "comparison is the thief of joy" line are actually from the second group. They're grateful for their own lives because people who have it better should be suffering in ways that can't be fixed with money. They almost wish it upon them as a justification for the fact you can't have everything in life.

Show quote history

I don't think it's that. It's knowing that having material things doesn't protect you from the worst life can dish out. Also observing how quickly easy and good lives can get thrown into catastrophe. Just not knowing what is around the corner for everyone is enough for me to not envy anyone.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 07/12/2023 22:13

Well, I think you appreciate what you have more if you earned it. In fact neuroscience has proved this to be true.

HopeAllOK · 07/12/2023 22:15

If it’s any consolation, I’m independently wealthy and have never needed to work. Yet my little boy died this year and now I can’t have any more biological children.

Original poster
MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 23:09

@HopeAllOK sending you a hug, I am so sorry about this

OP posts:
notlucreziaborgia · 08/12/2023 00:16

you can always find anecdotal examples of unhappy rich people, but it’s hardly like you can’t also point to unhappy people less better off.

Generally, greater wealth correlates to greater happiness. When you consider that having money takes away the stresses associated with struggling to make ends meet/reach life goals then it’s hardly surprising.

I do believe that some people do indeed want to believe that there is some form of karmic balance at play, and that better off people should be paying for their good fortune with personal misery, and those poorer must really have the better deal. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

Jztbrzzsy · 08/12/2023 00:29

Everyone has different problems and challenges. Focus on what brings you joy and stop dwelling on what other people are doing.

Jztbrzzsy · 08/12/2023 00:33

Somewhere out there, there is someone who would love to have the life you have. Two lovely kids, a husband and a home.

Try to think of it that way.

Fedupbeingworriedallthegoddamntime · 08/12/2023 00:47

From your OP what sticks out to me is you don’t like your house, if you can home everyday and liked your surroundings I bet you wouldn’t feel so disgruntled, can you work on improving that?

thedividedelf · 08/12/2023 00:50

Its easy to feel this way, I think we all do at times but the truth is that everybody struggles in life at times, everybody suffers and experiences profound loss. I was admiring and even feeling a little envious of the lovely Hannah Fry recently, she seems to have it all beauty, charm, intelligence, success, I looked her up and saw that she had been ill and suffered awful consequences to the surgery she had to treat her cancer. I would never know that just to look at her and its the same with anyone. I think its best just to foster compassion and realise that ultimately we are all human and all in the same boat in many ways, that and appreciate what you do have.

keye · 08/12/2023 00:54

When I saw your thread title I was thinking how much I relate becsue I struggle my way through most days due to autism and ADHD but then I read the OP and it's just materialism.

Be grateful OP, be grateful.

MargaritaThyme · 08/12/2023 00:54

Put your bitterness & envy to one side for a moment, OP, & look on the bright side. You and your family could be in Gaza instead of the nice safe U.K…

Fivepigeons · 08/12/2023 00:57

You obviously are being unreasonable but I do understand..
However I sometimes look at everything I have and wonder why I have it so good.. why aren't I in gaza worrying about my kids being in an explosion, or having to walk miles for water in an African country or in living in North korea!!
Life is very random and often cruel..
But even the privilege I live in compared to others round the world hasn't protected me from all of life's hardships and pain.. I've had loved ones drop dead, I've been raped and beaten... you wouldn't see me posting about all that on social media or casually bringing it up in convo with people I barely know... so you might never know..
I doubt these people you envy have the perfect lives you think they do. They may have some wonderful things in their life but so do you!! Everyone has their joy and pain. Don't get wrapped up thinking how much better anyone has it when you don't really know. Focus on the joys of your own life of which it sounds like there are many

Gowlett · 08/12/2023 00:57

A house near me has done up to the most stunning spec. Ours, same house, is the same as the day we got it. It’s a young couple. They obviously have good jobs (and / or financial help). Good luck to them! They’ve ripped out the entire place & started from scratch. It’s gorgeous! We can’t even afford a lick of paint, but our home is cosy… (messy!)

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/12/2023 06:06

User2346522 · 07/12/2023 20:21

Sorry but I hate this type of logic where people with blessed lives from the outside, must be counterbalanced by some hideous secret or appalling tragedy in order for "normies" to feel good about themselves.

Some people genuinely have amazing lives. They will have the same ups and downs of any average human, but on the whole their lives are much better than that of 99% of the population. I think this is what OP is getting at. It's ok to be envious or admire those who are just born lucky. There's a distinction between "Wow I would love to swap places with them if I could" sort of jealousy and "I'm happy with my own life because I bet that rich couple are fucking miserable behind closed doors and he's cheating on her and she can't get pregnant." sort of jealousy.

A lot of people who trot out the "comparison is the thief of joy" line are actually from the second group. They're grateful for their own lives because people who have it better should be suffering in ways that can't be fixed with money. They almost wish it upon them as a justification for the fact you can't have everything in life.

Show quote history

BS. There just literally is no point comparing yourself to other people because you'll either wonder why you don't have something or wind up feeling guilty that you do. Just live and love your own life.

And everyone does have shit to deal with. It's just all relative.

Aliceinnorthernland · 08/12/2023 06:15

Everyone feels like this at times. I find it helps to remind myself that what someone else has will have no impact on my life. And also that when you compare , it's with your internal feelings to their external facade.