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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bothered by how easy things can be for some

109 replies

MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:30

Feel bad just writing this.
I am lucky and privileged in many ways in life but I can’t help being envious of other people lives when they have way more than I do and generally seem to obtain things more easily.
DH and I have been saving for years and years to be able to buy our first home and we had to compromise on a small house we don’t really like. We are lucky to have 2 wonderful DC but we don’t have any help and parenting has taken a toll on us and our finances.
I have a colleague at work that comes from a very rich family and also happened to marry a very rich guy. They have just bought a fabulous house in a beautiful part of the town that they are decorating as they like (29 and 30 years old) and they still seem to have a lot of spare cash for lots of exotic holidays in fancy hotels, dinners in the best restaurants, luxury clothes etc.
I know I should be more mature about it all but I can’t help but be bothered by how easy all of this is/has been for her whereas some of us have to work so hard to achieve a fraction of that.
Anyone feels the same and what tips do you have to cope with this feeling?

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 07/12/2023 19:36

OP how you feel is not unreasonable, it's natural to feel envious sometimes. I'm envious that you own your home, I probably never will.

But it doesn't change things, and ultimately is pretty futile, there will always be people with more and less than us, people who didn't work as hard etc.

I'm sure having to hear constantly about this person's lifestyle is annoying though, so could you try and distance yourself from her in work so you don't have to hear this stuff? Or just change the subject when she brings it up.

FairyPolka · 07/12/2023 19:39

None of that stuff matters. Would you really want it all? Would you want her life?

You have a husband and children you love. Be very proud of what you have achieved. I know, I really DO know how tough it is working full time and raising children with no family support but you are doing it. You are succeeding. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing.

Honestly, you might be surprised. There may very well be aspects of your life that your colleague envies.

verabarbleen · 07/12/2023 19:40

I understand it. We rent and can't afford to save so I'm am jealous of you!! But I also know we are lucky to have a roof over our heads so it's all relative. I think it's normal to get jealous but you have to try and not let it consume you and turn you bitter. ( not saying you are but don't let it!!)

WrongSwanson · 07/12/2023 19:41

It's increasingly the case that inherited wealth has a far bigger impact on lifestyle than salaries do. Hence the lack of social mobility.

It's completely reasonable and human to struggle with that and feel a bit shocked when you realise that it really is just a myth that "hard work" is what distinguishes people.

I think you just have to try make your peace with it (although I would also think carefully which political party you vote for). I also think it's actually a really awesome and proud feeling to know you accomplished everything by yourself and not feel beholden to anyone. So try to count your blessings but also know your emotions are quite reasonable

Daisybuttercup12345 · 07/12/2023 19:43

IAmAnIdiot123 · 07/12/2023 18:36

Comparison is the thief of joy.

This.
Some people have seriously ill children.
Some people can hardly afford to put food on the table.
Get a grip and stop the jealousy.
Noone said life is fair.

5128gap · 07/12/2023 19:44

TreesWelliesKnees · 07/12/2023 18:39

I think it's common to feel like that. I feel it less now I'm getting older as I can see how life can turn on a sixpence. My own life has, and so has that of several friends who I thought were lucky but who have now suffered bereavement, infertility, divorce, unemployment etc. There are very few people who get through life without some sort of struggle at some stage. That helps me to be more philosophical about things. It also helps to focus on everything you do have, whether that's a good marriage, wonderful DC, your health, a dry, warm home, secure work etc.

I completely agree with this. When I was young I felt very much like the OP. But after you see the wheel of fortune turn a few times for yourself and others, you get a new perspective.

Goldbar · 07/12/2023 19:48

I know a few people who live in multimillion pound houses. I have a friend who is a lone parent who lives in a tiny 1-bedroom flat with her DC (she sleeps in the living-room). Plenty of people we know live in entirely "average" family homes as well (3 bed, 1.5 bath, terraced, going to convert the loft at some stage or have already converted it etc.).

Most of the people we know who have children seem to enjoy (or endure) a lot of the same activities, whatever type of house they live in. We all drag our children out to the playground after school, to the park or local common on the weekend, to soft play and to parties, to the same bone chillingly freezing Christmas lights trail and to the same overpriced farm park to meet "Father Christmas". So I guess we're quite privileged really, it's just that some of us are sitting in much nicer kitchens and don't have to scrub our own loos.

The family help I do envy though. Unfortunately we don't have family nearby.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 07/12/2023 19:49

MumOfTwoTwins · 07/12/2023 18:37

I count my blessings every day and completely understand how privileged I am in so many ways. Rationally I know all this. It just gets me when I hear all about her life at work and feel a sense of underachievement and envy :( I hate being like this.

Maybe her mum is terribly ill.

Maybe it's all for show and behind closed doors, everything is not so rosy.

Maybe they have a fertility struggle.

Maybe he's being bullied at work.

Maybe she has terrible anxiety.

Maybe the family business is about to go under.

Maybe he's suffering from depression.

You don't know the personal situation of this couple. You know what you're shown.

I was terribly envious of a friend, married a multi millionaire, big house, flash cars, alllll the holidays. Always big smiles and #blessed. She drank too much told me one night that she just finished taking pills for Chlamydia. The latest thing he'd given her. He slept with anything he could. She put up with it for the lifestyle. They looked like the perfect couple. How little we know...

HollowEgg · 07/12/2023 19:50

There’s always going to be people worse off and people better off. Luckily it’s not a competition.

coxesorangepippin · 07/12/2023 19:52

I know the feeling

I do feel like me and DH scrimp and save all the time for not much reward

We know people who are up to the eyeballs on credit cards, driving Audi's on HP but just don't seem to give a shit about being in debt??

Am I doing it all wrong?

Plus we seem to live near a lot of people who have mega houses, grandparents who help financially and practically etc. Me moving abroad didn't help, but still!??!!

Lemonademoney · 07/12/2023 19:53

It’s all relative. What you have is someone else’s dream. There will always be someone prettier, richer, cleverer…. Equally there will always be someone worse off than you. Try to count your blessings. On the surface I have a very comfortable and happy life but in reality I have had huge struggles and an unbearable tragedy that I would wish on no one.

riotlady · 07/12/2023 19:56

I think you just need to focus on enjoying your life, to be honest. I wouldn’t want anyone else’s life because I wouldn’t want any husband or kids other than mine!

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 07/12/2023 19:56

I can’t help but be bothered by how easy all of this is/has been for her whereas some of us have to work so hard to achieve a fraction of that.

YABVU. There are people that work hard and don't have a hope of ever owning and are infertile.

Lovetotravel123 · 07/12/2023 19:56

The older I get the more I realise that literally everyone has difficulties to deal with in life. You might not see them but they will be there, be it ill health or poor relationships, or infidelity etc etc. Be grateful for what you have and don’t be envious because the best things in life are free.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 07/12/2023 19:57

It's increasingly the case that inherited wealth has a far bigger impact on lifestyle than salaries do. Hence the lack of social mobility.

It's completely reasonable and human to struggle with that and feel a bit shocked when you realise that it really is just a myth that "hard work" is what distinguishes people.

I agree with this. There’s absolutely no point in feeling jealous, because it just is what it is. But as someone who bought the ‘hard work’ thing, I do remember feeling disillusioned when I realised that inherited wealth/family money is usually - not always, but in most cases - the key to prosperity.

If I’m shamefully honest, as much as I love my (hardworking but not rich) DH, I think if someone had explained that reality of life to me when I was younger (instead of impressing on me the value of hard work), I might have made different relationship choices. When I was in my early 20s I was in a relationship for a while with a man whose family had a very successful farming business, tons of land, stacks of cash. He drove a BMW X series at the age of 22. I dumped him because I thought he was an arrogant misogynist (which he was) and went on to build a career and meet my now-DH. But I’m still in touch with that ex via social media and mutual friends. He and his wife live a great life - not really working, spending most of their summers in the south of France, massive house, multiple cars, kids in private school. Whereas I’m slogging away in an office trying to balance earning money with raising children. And my children go to a state school where the roof leaks.

Allthingsdecember · 07/12/2023 19:58

Remind yourself how lucky you are every single day. Literally count your blessings:

  • I’m so lucky to have my children. So many women struggle and I’m incredibly thankful that I was able to become a mum.
  • I’m so lucky to have a roof over my head. There are thousands and thousands of people who can’t say the same and I know how lucky I am.
  • (Provided you’re in a good relationship) I’m so lucky that I found my partner and have had the opportunity to build a life with them. So many other people have lost their partner, or are trying to find love. I’m grateful to have someone to spend my life with.

You need to reset your mindset and the more you remind yourself of how lucky you are, the more you’ll believe it.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/12/2023 20:07

Unless you're very very close, she's not sharing the "bad" or hard elements of her life with you. They may be trying for children and not able to conceive and so are using their money on other things. They may have the money but behind closed door they aren't a happy couple but are putting on a front for their families.

Or, everything could be perfect. But you don't know it all, and comparing your life to theirs will only make you unhappy. And there's no point on doing things that can only make you feel bad.

5128gap · 07/12/2023 20:10

Yes @CaptainJackSparrow85 but your ex's wife has to do all of that with an arrogant misogynist there next to her, which you must admit would spoil it a little. Meanwhile your life may be less glamorous but a bet you have fun, support and joy with the man you love.
I completely agree with you and the pp about the hard work myth though. I think a fair few of us were sold a pig in a poke with that one. But it keeps noses to the grindstone.

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2023 20:13

Would you like life to be harder for her?

I suspect you're going to say no of course not, - so don't be so hard on yourself for having very human feelings.

If you said I hate how some people have things better than me, I wish they'd lose everything ... I'd say get help. But being sort of wistful about what you see around you is a normal thing. Carry on appreciating all you have that is good and focus on that.

sunflowertime · 07/12/2023 20:14

You never know they may be up to their eyeballs in debt.

They may get a horrendous illness and die young

Might have had an abusive upbringing

He might have a tiny Willy and they might only have sex once a year

They may argue like cat and dog and hate their life together

may be cheating

May have anxiety or depression

There's so many things you don't know maybe they look at you and envy you. No one's life is perfect despite how it may appear

FairyPolka · 07/12/2023 20:15

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 07/12/2023 19:57

It's increasingly the case that inherited wealth has a far bigger impact on lifestyle than salaries do. Hence the lack of social mobility.

It's completely reasonable and human to struggle with that and feel a bit shocked when you realise that it really is just a myth that "hard work" is what distinguishes people.

I agree with this. There’s absolutely no point in feeling jealous, because it just is what it is. But as someone who bought the ‘hard work’ thing, I do remember feeling disillusioned when I realised that inherited wealth/family money is usually - not always, but in most cases - the key to prosperity.

If I’m shamefully honest, as much as I love my (hardworking but not rich) DH, I think if someone had explained that reality of life to me when I was younger (instead of impressing on me the value of hard work), I might have made different relationship choices. When I was in my early 20s I was in a relationship for a while with a man whose family had a very successful farming business, tons of land, stacks of cash. He drove a BMW X series at the age of 22. I dumped him because I thought he was an arrogant misogynist (which he was) and went on to build a career and meet my now-DH. But I’m still in touch with that ex via social media and mutual friends. He and his wife live a great life - not really working, spending most of their summers in the south of France, massive house, multiple cars, kids in private school. Whereas I’m slogging away in an office trying to balance earning money with raising children. And my children go to a state school where the roof leaks.

A simple fact of life is that you could’ve had all that provided you were prepared to share it all with an arrogant misogynist.

klajs · 07/12/2023 20:15

@CaptainJackSparrow85 I think that's still a case of the grass being greener though, whilst I don't want to dismiss the privilege of being financially comfortable, do you really think you'd be happier with an arrogant misogynist? I suspect vs poverty maybe, but I can imagine there really is only so far money can carry happiness with bad relationships. Like health really. Makes life easier, but not necessarily happier.

Flobbyblob · 07/12/2023 20:17

There will always be someone richer and more beautiful than you. That’s the truth apple focus on your own path and stop comparing.

User2346522 · 07/12/2023 20:21

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 07/12/2023 19:49

Maybe her mum is terribly ill.

Maybe it's all for show and behind closed doors, everything is not so rosy.

Maybe they have a fertility struggle.

Maybe he's being bullied at work.

Maybe she has terrible anxiety.

Maybe the family business is about to go under.

Maybe he's suffering from depression.

You don't know the personal situation of this couple. You know what you're shown.

I was terribly envious of a friend, married a multi millionaire, big house, flash cars, alllll the holidays. Always big smiles and #blessed. She drank too much told me one night that she just finished taking pills for Chlamydia. The latest thing he'd given her. He slept with anything he could. She put up with it for the lifestyle. They looked like the perfect couple. How little we know...

Show quote history

Sorry but I hate this type of logic where people with blessed lives from the outside, must be counterbalanced by some hideous secret or appalling tragedy in order for "normies" to feel good about themselves.

Some people genuinely have amazing lives. They will have the same ups and downs of any average human, but on the whole their lives are much better than that of 99% of the population. I think this is what OP is getting at. It's ok to be envious or admire those who are just born lucky. There's a distinction between "Wow I would love to swap places with them if I could" sort of jealousy and "I'm happy with my own life because I bet that rich couple are fucking miserable behind closed doors and he's cheating on her and she can't get pregnant." sort of jealousy.

A lot of people who trot out the "comparison is the thief of joy" line are actually from the second group. They're grateful for their own lives because people who have it better should be suffering in ways that can't be fixed with money. They almost wish it upon them as a justification for the fact you can't have everything in life.

BigGreenOlives · 07/12/2023 20:22

If you looked at my life from outside you’d think we have it all.

My mum died completely unexpectedly when I was in my 30s. My husband’s dad died before he was 30, his mum has been ill all his life. A child has joined a cult.

You wouldn’t see any of those things if you bumped in to me.