To be bothered by how easy things can be for some

[MumOfTwoTwins]

Feel bad just writing this.
I am lucky and privileged in many ways in life but I can’t help being envious of other people lives when they have way more than I do and generally seem to obtain things more easily.
DH and I have been saving for years and years to be able to buy our first home and we had to compromise on a small house we don’t really like. We are lucky to have 2 wonderful DC but we don’t have any help and parenting has taken a toll on us and our finances.
I have a colleague at work that comes from a very rich family and also happened to marry a very rich guy. They have just bought a fabulous house in a beautiful part of the town that they are decorating as they like (29 and 30 years old) and they still seem to have a lot of spare cash for lots of exotic holidays in fancy hotels, dinners in the best restaurants, luxury clothes etc.
I know I should be more mature about it all but I can’t help but be bothered by how easy all of this is/has been for her whereas some of us have to work so hard to achieve a fraction of that.
Anyone feels the same and what tips do you have to cope with this feeling?

You see it ALL the time on here! Maybe they’re in an unhappy marriage, maybe it’s all on credit and they’re up to their eyes in debt, maybe there are health struggles you are not aware of…..or, just maybe, it’s all as fabulous and glamorous as it looks!! Why do people do that? It sounds so bitter….

I think this is a common feeling. We feel it too. We live in a wealthy area but are on a low income so see people around us having, what seems like, a much easier time of it. It's difficult to not feel envious.

In our immediate few houses there's a woman who inherited a house so is mortgage free (we won't inherit anything) so works a little bit part time for pocket money, a couple who inherited a very successful business so run that but it's established and they are very wealthy from it, a couple who won a substantial sum on the lottery, a woman who doesn't work because she home schools which is financed by her wealthy ex so spends her time at festivals and events with her child, a family who inherited land so live off the rents from it. I'm sure all of these people have struggles but they often ask if we are joining in with X event and we simply say "no. We're at work". It's difficult to watch them have so much leisure time.

It's not bitter. It's realistic. We are very happy. We also look very happy. We have two decent incomes from good jibs we enjoy, a lovely child, a happy life, own our own home in a nice area. We love and respect each other and we enjoy spending time as a family. But. As all families/couples/peoples do, we have our share of rain in amongst our sun. We've lost people we love. Cost of living has hit us. We've lost a pregnancy. Our much loved cat got rushed into emergency surgery that cost us a fortune and we're still waiting on the insurance coming back to stop our savings pot being at the bottom.

We're still happy. We wouldn't change our life other than the fact that like everyone we'd like to not have any money worries. We are aware we're lucky in comparison to some and that others have more luck and material stuff than us. Don't care. We're happy. But we still have shit to deal with like everyone.

Sorry but I hate this type of logic where people with blessed lives from the outside, must be counterbalanced by some hideous secret or appalling tragedy in order for "normies" to feel good about themselves.

This is the best response I've seen. Some people just have a much better time than us on earth. Some of those reasons will be our doing, some of them won't be, ie generational wealth, but you can't get around it. I know how the OP feels, I've been there myself. Myself and my DH had to forgo opportunities early on as we had a rough ride as new parents with one thing after the other. Our children are both in school now but we're behind compared to our peers and of course I am sick of counting every Penny and borrowing from Peter to pay Paul when I have people around me that really aren't. But I'm not really sat at home hoping or assuming that they're miserable or infertile. I am just letting myself feel that way for a hot minute and then pulling my socks up and carrying on with a life in which I do have many blessings.

Maybe she envies you, you have no idea really. I have a nice house and two cars and I know my friends are jealous. But they don’t realise I’d give anything to switch places. One is very beautiful, two are married to someone they’re in love with, and none of them have the health issues I struggle with every day. I can’t imagine how wonderful it is to be attractive and healthy and married to someone you’re in love with. I’d happily give up my house in exchange for love.

Is incredibly true .It's difficult not to envy others but we only see parts of everyone's life .

I get this feeling sometimes, comparison is the thief of joy n all that, but still the envious thoughts come.

It comes down to being truly happy with what you do have and possibly turning the envy into a productive plan. Where you sacrifice some ££ to save to improve another area. So you are actively doing something about it?

Tricky though… everyone wants more….

Stop comparing.

Enjoy making your house, your home for your family.

I've bought four do-er uppers in a row, because they were what I could afford in each place. I've then spent years sorting them out. Cleaning & decorating them myself, taking pride in my achievements. I love see the warm decent home emerge from the mess that I start with.

Your rich friend won't have that satisfaction.

And anyway, all you see is the surface. You have no idea how happy people are behind the 'show'.

I’ve experienced both worlds, from a low income background, lots of siblings, everything very stretched. My parents worried about money every day, had barely enough and worked to the bone. My very long term OH comes from a very wealthy background, private schools, fancy holidays, big houses etc. The meeting of those 2 worlds when I was younger was a strange experience and took me a long time to adjust to.

I am feeling very blessed that I am now also in a comfortable financial situation (SAHM and partner high earner) however we are very conservative with money. I wouldn’t ever wish to be in my parents situation and it puts everything in perspective and helps me to feel grateful every single day. I find it hard spending money and letting go as I think it’s been drummed into me to be so careful, save, what if we can’t pay the bills etc. Of course I have friends who have inherited a lot, been given huge deposits etc. In the end my partner didn’t get this either as parents wealth took a nosedive. I didn’t have material wealth but I was given an incredible amount of love and support and my parents are amazing.

Myself and DH sound like your work colleague from afar- just bought a lovely period house and are doing it up and still have a very nice lifestyle.

• I come from a wealthy LOOKING family but my parents don’t believe in sharing that so they have never given me a penny. I lived at home all through uni and the first few years of my career, despite it being a very stressful situation, in order to buy my first house at 24.
• I had 0 disposable income once I did and every penny went into the house.
• Met DH and the house I had been stretched to run on 1 salary became very comfortable on 2, allowing us to save.
• DH brought savings to the relationship as he comes from a socially deprived background and therefore had spent 10 years long term single and focussing on his career in order to achieve financial stability.
• My house + his savings = lovely new house.
• I have a long term condition that means children aren’t an option for us, therefore we could buy a house that was period and charming over needing a certain amount of rooms etc.
• Both working 50+ hours per week developing our careers with no need to get home for children etc. Definitely helps us push our income up.
• We alternate our disposable income each month between lifestyle/holidays and home improvements- therefore it looks like we are doing a lot!

I had friends who got jealous and think I’m “lucky” whereas actually me and DH both spent a number of years single and working on our financial priorities because we came from DIFFICULT circumstances, not easy ones. I am now SO grateful for how it’s set us up in life but through a large part of that I was the jealous one- jealous of the ones who had met partners and were settling down together. I was lonely and doing life alone in a sea of moving in together and engagements was tough. Today I am grateful for our financial stability but MORE grateful to have a lovely DH to come home to each night and would love to have met him earlier.

@user1471548941 I gey this totally. I have friends who tell me I'm SO LUCKY to have the job I do. Like I just woke up one day with it and haven't worked my ass off for years to get it.

Go and volunteer with people who are really having a difficult time. That should help you to put things into perspective.

I grew up very poor, and fat and ugly. I'd sometimes find myself wishing I could be one of my friends - but then I'd think "Yeah, but if I was her, I wouldn't be a good reader / I would have to live in a house that smells of wee / I wouldn't be able to play out whenever I wanted / I'd always be worst at maths"

There was always a reason why I really didn't want to swap my life with anyone else. So perhaps that's why I naturally grew up not being envious. I think try that. Put yourself fully in the other person's position. You'd have to shag a man who looks like a frog, or you'd have a horrible commute or.... whatever. There's ALWAYS something - and you can't have one aspect of a person's life without having it all.

You say you practice gratitude, which is good, but do you properly meditate gratitude? Practice affirmation? Also more importantly do you practice gratitude for the things you feel the envy about?

As has been said, "comparison is the the theift of joy". So you need to look at your home and your joy and find the joy in them. What are the postives? What could you do, realistically, to improve how you feel? Find a postive and focus on that and be grateful for it.

It is quite difficult to probably practice gratitude. Least when you first start as you'll been trying to switch for a negative mindset to a positive one. But each time a negative thought enters your head, recognise it as negative and turn it around into a positive.

I wouldn't do the "they have [whatever you envy] but they might be [something bad]", such "they have a bigger house, but they might be icrippled by their energy bills" as thus is a negative thought. You could think though things about yourself such as "if we had a bigger house, our energy bills would be much higher. I am very grateful ours are not".

I absolutely agree that this is a very common feeling and that comparison is the thief of joy, especially in social media world. I'm sure that everyone like me knows people who put their best face forward on social media so that a difficult life can look very perfect... but it's hard all the same. I also agree that it's just not good for you to be secretly ill-wishing people or imagining their secret trauma to make up for their ideal lives. I suggest two things. One, follow a few people on Instagram like hannahvsetzer who have real difficulties but are lovely and inspiring and funny, two, look down not up. When I felt jealous of my friends with big houses I remember picking up from my childminder and just thinking what a gorgeous happy home she had. It was far smaller than mine at the time but I don't think she wasted her life by being jealous of my extra space. I learned a lot from her about how to appreciate what I had. It's genuinely practice, like Affirmation. If you practice negative thoughts you'll feel negative, if you practice grateful thoughts they'll start to come naturally. Works with children who've had a hard day as well: "tell me three good things that happened today" often refocused and cheered them, even if one of the good things was as simple as not burning the toast!

That’s life.

And I wish I could buy a house, mid 30s, newly single from husband who destroyed our house deposit and now I feel I have no hope in getting one. This post has pissed me off, you have the main things in life but you are upset you are not lavish. Try not owning a house or maybe think how people might feel if they can't have kids. God and you've got a husband. Materialistic and spoilt.

Comparison is the thief of joy!

are they happy underneath it all?

who knows.

I know a couple who to the outside world project a luxury lifestyle, one came from a wealthy background, but in reality, they are up to their eyeballs in debt with credit cards galore.

if you analysed their socials you’d think they were the happiest couple ever, declaring their love for each other at every opportunity, but I’m also aware that their marriage was going through an absolute shitshow during some of the times they were “enjoying” themselves so much.

things aren’t always what they seem.

also, you’ll have a greater appreciation and sense of achievement than they ever will.

I think that everyone has their "hard" which we don't necessarily see.
Whilst you got there independently as a couple, it's possible that this couple were gi en a fair bit of help, and might be seen as the poor, or irresponsible relatives that needed bailing out. For all you know, they live with any help they've had hung over their heads, and are constantly reminded.

No ones life is perfect.

If that fails to satisfy, thinking of the positives you do get to enjoy, or focusing on how you can ensure that life is easier for the next generation is positive.

Life isn't fair sadly op!
It's great that you are recognising and challenging your feelings.

Their bubble might burst one day but I bet you aren't the type that would take any satisfaction in that.

Everyone has good and bad things in their lives. Material things are just one component of life.

It's tricky OP but as others have said; envy is the death of joy. Just stop and breathe when you feel the feeling tightening. It'll pass.

My partner is a migrant. He's had such a difficult life but he's hugely grateful for what he has. The fact that he's even in this country is a massive boost to him and he's amazed at the opportunities here and the chance to be able to provide/contribute. He loves this country and my point is, it's easy to take our privilege for granted. Try and find the small things you wouldn't otherwise notice; feeling safe to walk down the street, as a woman having the chance to be educated and work, your health...

Other people are on their own path, with their own demons. Plus you never know what's really going on behind closed doors. Plus, if they've achieved all that at their age - surely they don't have much to strive for? Ricky Gervais said that he's glad he was born poor as rich people will never know the joy/satisfaction of striving and achieving and bettering yourself by your own hand.

ALSO... in my line of work I have to interact with wealthy families. It's a real problem for families whose kids are born into money, that they end up spoilt and demanding and in some cases like the Getty's, turn to drugs and addictions as they don't necessarily need to strive for anything as they've already got it. Check this awful thing out https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/family-tears-itself-apart-in-feud-over-ps17m-of-jewels-and-artwork-a3511536.html and the parents wrote a book about it https://www.amazon.co.uk/Trust-Not-Loves-Labours-Family/dp/1786069539

Envy is the thief of joy.

Simply put you will never be happy when you compare your life to others. Someone else will ALWAYS have more stuff than you. So, you cant remove that problem, the only way you can have an impact on this situation is by amending your thoughts; you need to stop the thoughts of envy as soon as they start; quite literally - as soon as one starts to come in your head imagine it encased in a balloon, and then pop it. Keep doing it until the thought is gone. Don't progress any thoughts of envy. Think about other stuff; anything - how the sun shines through the blinds, why does your right foot twist when you walk... anything.

Exactly. As if any of those negative things are exclusive to the unhappy and wealthy (and as if wealth doesn’t provide the unhappy and wealthy the ability to remove themselves from a terrible situation!). Like I said, generally greater wealth does correlate with greater happiness, so this idea that the wealthy must be miserable in order to pay for their financial health doesn’t even reflect reality:
https://penntoday.upenn.edu/news/does-more-money-correlate-greater-happiness-Penn-Princeton-research

I also find it weird that people are encouraged to find comfort in the thought that someone they’re envious of is miserable. Aside from the fact that it’s frankly pathetic to need to believe that someone better off than you is unhappy in order to make yourself feel good, it’s not actually encouraging anyone to be thankful for what they have, or to improve their own situation - it’s no different to what they were doing in the first place, it’s just swapping being envious and unhappy based on comparing yourself unfavorably to someone else, to being happy based on comparing yourself favorably to someone else. How about focus on yourself and your own life if you’re unhappy, and quit concerning yourself with how anyone else is doing in comparison?

It's not encouraging people to be happy someone else is miserable. Its reminding people that other people's lives aren't charmed. They only see what they see, they don't know anything. It's recognising that if you want their life, you're not only getting the good, you're getting their bad too. Their lives are different to yours. Different good stuff and different bad stuff. Not better.