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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off

134 replies

anonqrtb · 07/12/2023 09:17

I imagine I will be told i am being unreasonable and that is fine, i just need to rant somewhere as i can't irl.

Me and my partner have worked our asses off for the last 4 years to scrape together enough money to purchase (shared ownership so 40%) our home. We both worked full time in stressful jobs, whilst paying private rent and the cost of living rising and rising. My partner was made redundant in this time due to Covid, so when i say its been a struggle to get here i really mean it.

However, a family member has just been given the EXACT same house a few streets away on our estate through social housing. She never had a job as got pregnant young and had multiple kids afterwards, and she has ended up in the same position as we have. Obviously, both working we do have slightly more spare cash at the end of the month but due to paying mortgage and rent we actually pay more to live in the same house then she does. We worked it out and we basically only have an extra £150 per month than her.

It now turns out that shes really annoyed because her friend has been given a house ont he same estate but hers is larger, detached and with a garage - a house we could have no afforded for another maybe 10 years of saving.

AIBU to think just what is the point in working so hard when it doesnt see to get us any further forward?

I want to point out i have nothing against SH, they provide homes for those who need them. Just feels really deflating

OP posts:
mummybear945 · 07/12/2023 13:02

I think some people are being really ignorant in these comments. I know for sure that unexpected things can happen in life where you can end up needing help no matter how hard working you are. My husband and I were both made redundant this year something which was out of our control. We were made redundant 3 months apart which has made us struggle financially. Thankfully he is starting a new job in the New Year so things will be better. So please don't judge people especially when you don't know their situation.

OllieCollieWoo · 07/12/2023 13:06

Looks at the positives.
It's your home, you can decorate it as you want, you can extend it one day, revamp your garden etc. When you are renting you don't have that security - you could be moved on.

You will have more financial freedom than they do and if you have a family your house is a potential asset for your children.

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 07/12/2023 13:54

Tilllly · 07/12/2023 11:58

@IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere

If it is a genuine question, I don't suppose it ever crossed my mind
We have 2 children, we both work, in the public sector, so not highly paid, but we enjoy our work, with a mortgage on small semi detached

I don't think I see benefits as a lifestyle, but as a stop gap to support you while you are able to support yourself

If it was a third child you wanted, you wouldn’t have got benefits for them anyway, so the situation you imagine doesn’t exist and hasn’t for several years.

The reason I asked you why you didn’t choose to give up work and go on benefits in order to have another child is because I knew full well that if you had, you’d have concluded that it would be a shit life of never having enough money for the essentials, always worrying about housing and constantly being denigrated by people who haven’t a clue what they’re on about that you wouldn’t want for yourself.

Tilllly · 07/12/2023 14:22

@IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere
So not a genuine question
I hope that made you feel good
I'm sure it's helped the OP

My children are grown and that was the situation then

And I know this because I spent 3 years as a lone parent, in a council maisonette, on benefits, with my first.

So I've seen it from both sides. Have you?

CasaAmarela · 07/12/2023 14:33

Tilllly · 07/12/2023 14:22

@IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere
So not a genuine question
I hope that made you feel good
I'm sure it's helped the OP

My children are grown and that was the situation then

And I know this because I spent 3 years as a lone parent, in a council maisonette, on benefits, with my first.

So I've seen it from both sides. Have you?

Good for you for only using council houses and benefits when you needed them and not treating it as a lifestyle. I've got no problem whatsoever with people who need council houses and financial support claiming it as a stopgap, it's the people who deliberately have multiple babies knowing their benefits will pay for them who make me mad. A previous poster said you don't get any additional money for your 3rd+ but my stepsister has just had her 4th and seems to have no shortage of money (and I know the dads don't pay anything). You can't possibly say anything about career benefit scroungers on MN though without being accused of voting Tory or shagging Nigel Farage.

Original poster
anonqrtb · 07/12/2023 14:43

i didn’t intentionally mean ‘given’ a home and I know she pays rent - I said that in the OP.

however, the house she has been placed in at a discounted rate is something I wouldn’t have been able to afford to privately rent.

just as a round up - we do have 1 child, a 2 year old son. And the fathers to her children are more than useless. She finds herself in an uncomfortable position that many have pointed out I wouldn’t want to swap with.

If anything, I am glad to nieces and nephews have a roof over their head - but I guess my annoyance came from her falling out with her friend for getting a bigger, detached house through SH, when that would have been my dream if I could of afforded it.

without knowing the person and the attitude of ‘everything must fall into my lap or my life is rubbish’ it’s all just a big pill to swallow.

but I will take all comments on board, thank you all

OP posts:
InBedBy10 · 07/12/2023 14:44

I live in social housing. It's a beautiful house and I'm grateful for the affordable rent. But it is also in a very rough area. Honestly, I'd love to be in a position to buy a house in a nicer area.

The grass isn't always greener.

RocketPanda · 07/12/2023 14:48

@Dotjones Maybe they could put all those who don't work in one big building, where they could work to pay for their bed and food. Put their kids in a separate building because the irresponsible povvos shouldn't have them. Sell their babies to the highest bidder. That'll reach them.

🙄

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2023 14:51

Honestly I don't think it's very fair at all. But the houses do not belong to them, at all. Personally I think social homes should be high rise flats, large enough for large families. Obviously lifts would make it accessible for all.

Timewentfast · 07/12/2023 14:59

Just to cheer you up OP - when you are finished paying for your house and get old, you'll probably need to sell it to pay for care whilst your neighbour could end up in the same care home as you paid for by council.
It is flippin galling - I don't care what you say. YANBU

Lots of people jumping on the poster who said social housing should be segregated from private housing. I understand they wanted to mix houses to try to stop these really bad areas forming where crime was rife etc. However where I live each new estate has a percentage now of social houses on it and you can always tell where they are without knowing. You walk round the estate and the owned ones are generally (not always) tidy and cared for looking. You get to the social houses and there is rubbish, dog shit bags, broken things lying in front garden. Now I know not everyone in social houses behaves like this but there definately seems to be a pattern. So it's like 'mini ghettos' surrounded by newbuilds. Is this better? Who knows. I'd rather not live beside them and I'm sure most of us feel that way but it's unpopular to say it. I KNOW there are good, honest, decent people, working hard or on benefits temporarily due to life changes and these people might be in social housing and keep their garden nice (and I feel sorry for these people trying their best but having to live next to / in the mini ghetto). However from my observations a large number of the social houses do appear to be littered with rubbish / unkempt. As far as I can see putting the 'scroungers' in the newbuild estates is not making them change their behaviour. They continue as they were before just pulling down the other houses on the estate.

CasaAmarela · 07/12/2023 15:04

@Timewentfast Completely agree with you. They've just built a load of council houses next to my street and I'm moving. It's unbearable. Litter, screaming kids, fireworks every Sunday in the middle of the night. I don't know why MN is so unwilling to acknowledge that whilst not everyone in council houses is scummy, they do attract a certain type of people ie career scroungers with multiple children they can't be arsed to look after. A PP said that when this happened previously (putting them in one area) it lead to neighbourhoods rife with crime - well what does that show you about the people living there?

GladioliandSweetPeas · 07/12/2023 16:21

@anonqrtb Given? I have a new build social housing property and I most certainly was not 'given' it ffs. I pay rent every month probably more than you pay out in total. This house will never be mine. I'm here because I lost my DH and lost our house we'd just purchased and had zero equity in. Leaving me and our child homeless.

How dare you?

GladioliandSweetPeas · 07/12/2023 16:24

Dotjones · 07/12/2023 10:16

Social housing should be segregated from private housing - there should be specific estates for social housing so that situations like the OP's are less likely to occur. Also social housing should be means-tested on a regular basis, if people's income rises they should no longer qualify for social housing. Not necessarily be kicked out of their homes but rents should be increased to market levels.

It IS means tested! I had a very, very in depth means test where I had to provide everything. Bank statements etc. Proof of income. Character references and yes, social housing. It is done every 5 years.

GladioliandSweetPeas · 07/12/2023 16:26

cadburyegg · 07/12/2023 11:57

So you are a couple with no kids and a dual income, and no disabilities / reasons why you can't work full time, so there's no reason why you won't be able to climb the career ladder, your income will only increase. You own an asset which will likely only increase in value over the years, you may have options to sell and climb the property ladder in the future.

She is a single mum on UC and possibly child maintenance that can't be relied upon. Her career options are extremely limited because she has no work experience and has to be around to look after the kids after school and during the holidays. She will never own the house she lives in.

And you're jealous of her situation because?

This

GladioliandSweetPeas · 07/12/2023 16:30

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2023 14:51

Honestly I don't think it's very fair at all. But the houses do not belong to them, at all. Personally I think social homes should be high rise flats, large enough for large families. Obviously lifts would make it accessible for all.

So me being a disabled mother means I have to be shoved into a high rise and don't 'deserve' a garden? My child doesn't deserve a garden?

Wow. Tell me you vote Tory without telling me you vote Tory....

PurpleBugz · 07/12/2023 17:12

The problem is with society. Workers are not paid enough leading to this resentment.

I do kind of get your point. I worked 70 hour weeks to save the deposit for my home. Moved in with partner had kids then split because I have a challenging disabled child I can't leave to go to work. I'm back in my house that too small for the number of kids I have. Not entitled to social housing because I own. Seriously struggling financially but not as much help for me as those who rent. My house is one of the few owned in a mostly social housing street. They have been getting new kitchens and bathrooms recently. When they have too many kids for the house they move on to bigger properties.

It's shit. My life is shit.

BUT you have to remember you have an asset in the house. You actually are paying your off and can move on in future. I'm stuck paying interest only because I can't afford to pay more. I hold onto the fact when I die my kids will get the equity I built before I stopped paying it off. They won't need to work as hard to get their deposits for their houses. (I've got degenerative health stuff myself I'm not gonna love into their Middle Ages- another thing I struggle with as my house isn't appropriate for my needs but I own it so stuck in it).

But honestly. If I hadn't bought before my life fell to shit and I did get social housing I would need to be housed, my kids need to be housed. Life is utterly shit with no money and kids. I can't blame the most disadvantaged people because our society doesn't pay well enough for full time hard work for so many people

SWSO · 07/12/2023 17:14

Surely though as her children grow up and leave home she will have to downsize. ?

incywincyspiders · 07/12/2023 17:23

This whole thread is what is wrong with the world today. Stop worrying about what others have or haven't got. You both have houses - what's the big deal? People constantly resenting others when there is honestly no need!

Ghentsummer · 07/12/2023 17:29

CornishPorsche · 07/12/2023 09:25

When you pay off your house (assuming you staircase it), she'll still have to pay the rent forever, even after retirement age. So the gains you'll have will be very different from hers.

Don't compare apples and oranges.

And she'll continue receiving benefits to pay the rent and won't have the costs of maintaining a house.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/12/2023 17:32

If a few years however you will have the benefit of that 40% increasing in value, she won’t. You have done this on your own, she hasn’t

Flamingogirl08 · 07/12/2023 17:33

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2023 14:51

Honestly I don't think it's very fair at all. But the houses do not belong to them, at all. Personally I think social homes should be high rise flats, large enough for large families. Obviously lifts would make it accessible for all.

Er why exactly?

Tinkerbyebye · 07/12/2023 17:33

Ghentsummer · 07/12/2023 17:29

And she'll continue receiving benefits to pay the rent and won't have the costs of maintaining a house.

Show quote history

@Ghentsummer

neither will she have an asset worth money that could potentially be sold to downsize and you live off the difference as well as your pension(s) so she may not have to maintain a house but she is in for a very poor old age

stepintochristmas1 · 07/12/2023 17:38

You need to punch out a couple of kids ( doesn't sound like you have any) so that you have actual stuff to stress about than a woman with kids living in a house ('tis the season of goodwill 🎄).

cadburyegg · 07/12/2023 18:00

Personally I think social homes should be high rise flats, large enough for large families. Obviously lifts would make it accessible for all

You think just adding lifts makes tower blocks accessible to disabled people? What planet do you live on?

Spatchcooked · 07/12/2023 18:03

You actually sat and calculated how much money she has left over at the end of the month?

Give your head a shake. That isn't normal.

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