To think children should have their mothers surname

[Laurendelaney1987]

if the parents are not married. You did the hard work! Why the fuck should the child carry his name?

I've always thought this.

People can do what they want. No one needs to
make rules for anyone else.

Yes, precisely. There is an assumption of transience that I think a lot of women internalise.

And I don’t see why a name needs to change anything about who you are inside to be important. If it were so unimportant, there wouldn’t be so much pressure on women to do it and so much resistance from men. Clearly it means something.

In current times it feels to me that only those who have low expectations regarding the longevity of their relationship default to the mother’s surname

Well this habit has only really been around in "current" times (last 30-40 years), and I suspect every single person who has found themselves stuck with a name they would never have chosen if they knew then what they did now, every one of them would have had high expectations at the point of giving the name.

Surely the parents should just decide together and you should be having these sort of talks before you even have kid.

Totally. My DH’s is also much nicer than mine. Shorter and easier to spell, as well. Still didn’t take it, still double barrelled DC.

If I were going to pick a new name based on ‘niceness’, I’d really go for it. Let me imagination run wild! 🤣

I have been giving some thought to this and why I changed my name as I don't fall into any of the 'excuse' categories (his was nicer etc)

I think it comes down to autistic masking and complex PTSD for me. I changed because really, that's what people did and I wanted to 'fit' - I also got a huge sense of security, belonging and pride when I married and had children, my own little family, with none of the abuse and neglect I had suffered.

If people want to look down on me for that, crack on.

Mother's name or hyphenated. Married or not. Marriage is not the issue.

Yes it's funny so many people think the man's last name is traditional when it isn't! The mothers last name is it's just that traditionally it would be the same last name as most couples got married first

BINGO!

To me it would make more sense.

Think of all the completely inaccurate family trees people have, children not being their official father’s child isn’t as rare as you’d think.

I wonder how many nobles/royals are actually the children of stable hands and butlers 😂

But if they’d followed the maternal line, well, there’s no way to get that one wrong. It’s always clear who the mother is.

@BrimfulOfMash "What happens if 2 hyphenated people then meet and want children. Do they have 4 surnames?"

Here's a unique idea. They choose. (Sorry if your mind's blown. Lying down in a darkened room for a bit might help.)

Sorry- my last post was for @Charlie2121!

Have all the men in your birth family also changed their name or are they happy to say it/spell it/pass it down to their children?

@keye "
If people want to look down on me for that, crack on."

I wouldn't DREAM of it. You thought about it and chose. That's what counts!

I really don't think children should have their father's surname, married or not. The father just had sex. The mother carried and birthed and fed a child.

Completely agree OP, I very much regret giving the children my DPs surname. The work and love I have put into those kids to not get a mention? Nah. And why did I feel it was so important for them to have his name instead of mine? I look back and wonder what I was thinking.

My name’s nicer too 🙂

Yes… after your Hyphenated post I was wondering how quickly someone would post the inevitable ‘Gotcha’ attempt of the mythical 8-named grandchildren….

I’m married to the father of my DC and was before we had them. I did not change my name on marriage. When we had the DC we gave them his last name as their last name and my last name as a middle name. Our names would not have double barrelled well but I’m not a huge fan of that anyway.

However had we not been married they would absolutely have had my last name as theirs.

I'm angry with myself every day that I didn't insist on it. My DD is 10 but puts her name down with both surnames which somewhat mollifies me.

If there's a father about the mother has total choice of the name. If there are two parents then both parents agree between them.

Seems reasonable, not sure we'd want to change that.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/birth-certificates-and-changing-your-name-s/birth-certificates-s/

*if there's no father about

It will be a level playing field when as many men as women change their name on marriage (including choosing to hyphenate), when single mothers see their own surname as the default choice (but may of course make a decision that suits them) and when women stop being pressured and misnamed by InLaws, family, friends etc.

So many posts by MNers about men refusing to accept any name but theirs for the baby, pressurising post natal women, ILs making a fuss.

@Charlie2121

I strongly believe the child should have the fathers surname if you live together as a family.

The main reason being nobody assumes the mother isn’t the child’s mother regardless of surname however a father with a different surname to their child will often be assumed not to be the parent.

Why is your solution to this the mother changing her name to his, rather than the father changing his name to hers?

In addition to this if you do get married later in life it makes things much easier if you then all want the same surname. I’d not be keen on ever changing a child’s name.

Again, why is your solution to this the mother changing her name to his, rather than the father changing his name to hers?

As I said upthread my only male cousin on my dad's side (his brother's son), changed his when he married his wife. As both my parents and his are no longer alive, the original name now, no longer exists as a family surname.