To think children should have their mothers surname

[Laurendelaney1987]

if the parents are not married. You did the hard work! Why the fuck should the child carry his name?

I agree.

Unfortunately it’s too late for my DC now.
DD1 - had her fathers last name as we were due to get married. He cheated on me then left.
DD2 & DS had their fathers last name as we were married so it made sense. Relationship came to an end after 10 years.

I got married again so now I’ll never have the same last name as any of my children or grandchildren. It’s crap and I wish I could change it!

The bigger issue to me is men who abdicate childcare responsibilities and who won't commit to marriage.

I think people should give their kid whatever name they want.

I was given my mother's name, except she'd been previously divorced and never changed it back. So I had a name that was absolutely nothing to me. I changed it as soon as I could.

I didn’t mention either parent changing their name when the child was born. I was commenting on the situation where parents are unmarried and/or have different surnames.

The decision to name the child comes prior to any potential marriage therefore the choice is to give the child one of 2 names.

In your example it would require 2 name changes prior to marriage, the child and one of the parents. That is a very clunky solution when the reality is it is only the child who needs naming.

I maintain my point stands. Ask any men you know who have children with different surnames and see how often he assumption has been made that they are not the father. I wouldn’t want that for my partner or child.

Lmfao.

Off topic, but I now REALLY want to know what this name was!

I’ve told DP that any potential baby (starting IVF in the new year) will have my surname if we’re not married. He was a bit surprised! I’m not having a different surname to my baby, that’s for him to figure out. I don’t even know if I’d change my own name with marriage tbh.

A woman can choose not to stay with him nor have children with him, women do have their own choices as rare as that seems

I thought they did, unless she chooses otherwise?

You appear to have misunderstood. Her examples require the exact same number of name changes as yours. Exact same scenarios, it’s just the men doing the changing, as opposed to the women.

@Charlie2121

I didn’t mention either parent changing their name when the child was born. I was commenting on the situation where parents are unmarried and/or have different surnames.

So was I.

In the instance of unmarried parents naming their child, in order for the family members to all have the same last name, the baby needs to be given the last name of one of the parents and the other parent would need to change their name to the same one (there's no need to be married to change your name).

My question is why in your opinion the chosen shared name should ideally be that of the father and not the mother?

The decision to name the child comes prior to any potential marriage therefore the choice is to give the child one of 2 names.

So why do you think that name should be that if the father rather than the mother?

In your example it would require 2 name changes prior to marriage, the child and one of the parents. That is a very clunky solution when the reality is it is only the child who needs naming.

Take marriage out of the equation. In the case of unmarried parents who don't want to marry at any point, why do you think that the name given to the child should be that if the father rather than the mother when the father can easily change his name to the mothers? The child is still being allocated one of their names and in order to all share a name, one parent has to change theirs too. Why the mother and not the father?

@LusaBatoosa

You appear to have misunderstood. Her examples require the exact same number of name changes as yours. Exact same scenarios, it’s just the men doing the changing, as opposed to the women.

Thank you. Exactly this.

You need to engage in some critical thinking.

DH agreed with me that it was stupid for only me to have to change my name, but we did want to share one and for the dc to have the same names as us.

So we chose a surname we both liked the sound of (not hyphenated, something completely new) and both changed our name to that.

Parents thought it was a great idea and we would be happy for dc to do the same in the future.

Compelling

They never do.

Marriage is not the issue.

Either men or women can change their name to that of a partner (or to any other name) whether or not they are married.
Or not change their name.

I totally agree with this.

That said, I changed my name to DH's when we got married back in 1993. I do like that name and I'm happy with it. However, if I had known then what I know now (that changing my name wasn't really necessary) then I would have retained my maiden name. I'd then probably have given the children (all now in their twenties) my surname. As things stand, they have DH's name.

I might yet make an amendment to add my maiden name back in and ditch one of my middle names. I've regularly mused out loud about it and DH has even hinted that he would be willing to make this change himself if I do, which is rather lovely. 😃 I'd like to do it, but at 57 now I am rather daunted by the sheer number of official documents I would have to change!! For both of us.

And of course in the other direction there are those who have high hopes that giving a child her "partner's" name will make him stick around. Oddly enough, it does not seem to be a strong glue.

@Charlie2121

In current times it feels to me that only those who have low expectations regarding the longevity of their relationship default to the mother’s surname.

Or they have high enough expectations of their relationship that they don't think giving the child the mother's last name instead of the father's last name makes a jot of difference to whether the relationship will work out or not...

You’ve misunderstood what I wrote.

If you can't agree together as a couple what your baby's name should be then you shouldn't be having a baby together.

On that basis then the people who use hyphenated names are selfishly deferring the choice to the next generation while at the same time burdening their entire family with a ridiculous moniker.

The choice is with every generation. There isn't a way to make your DC not have a choice about what to call any kids they have.

@Charlie2121 "On that basis then the people who use hyphenated names are selfishly deferring the choice to the next generation while at the same time burdening their entire family with a ridiculous moniker."

You seem to be starting from the point that hyphenated names are by definition ridiculous.