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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rant about this

105 replies

Starrystarryshite · 05/12/2023 20:57

(Yes I know this won’t apply to all, it’s open rant but it’s one I desperately need to have for my own sanity)

Im a nanny. In my child related career I have been a teaching assistant, a SEN 1-2-1, an Early years educator and a nanny. I am truly at the end of my tether with the newest generation of children. Since covid I have encountered some of the worst behaviour, rudeness and complete lack of boundaries and what’s acceptable when it comes to adults outside of their families.

Gentle parenting seems to have been misconstrued as an absence of parenting. Parents trying to justify kids behaviour with this big focus on their feelings. I’m sick of hearing ‘they’re tired, they’ve had a long day, they had a busy weekend’ to justify their children hitting me, shouting, throwing tantrums. Boundaries are not put in place and there’s now many children who cannot handle any negative emotion because every bad bit of behaviour is explained away with excuses on ‘big feelings’.

Im noticing more children incapable of imaginative play because working parents have guilt and overcompensate so much with toys that children are overwhelmed and don’t even know how to play properly without waiting for the next shiny new thing.

Im exhausted going to work every day desperately trying to explain boundaries, routines to these children and their families to have the parents undo all my work because not even natural consequences are a thing in their households.

’gentle parenting’ and ‘covid babies and children’ are making me want to end a 15 year long career with children because all I am experiencing family after family is children who cannot handle ANY emotion and don’t have any independence and the worst thing Is it’s the parents who are causing it!!

OP posts:
EbbandTheWanderingHearts · 05/12/2023 21:03

I was having exactly the same conversation with colleagues recently. I don't remember having half these issues when I first started in childcare 30+ years ago. Your child will still love you if you say no occasionally! Not sure what the answer is tbh but I feel your pain!

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 21:05

My mum is 85 and perplexed by young parent friends telling her how hard it is to amuse kids over the holidays.

LinguisticallyCunning · 05/12/2023 21:12

I feel the same when I read here about desperately looking for things to do to entertain a toddler or young child. Mine aren't even old - there pre-teens - and I didn't have to go out every single day, or get the pots and pans out, to keep them from crying. I played with them and let them play by themselves on and off throughout the day unless we actually had something planned. Constantly entertaining your children means they'll struggle to play by themselves when they get a bit older.

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 21:17

Sorry if my comment seemed random but I was cross because there’s a few young parents who asked mum if she could have the kids for an afternoon - this was before her stroke but she was visibly frail back then too. Imagine asking an 84 year old to have your little kids!

To be fair, they do now offer help to her with shopping etc but they come for tea and bang on about the cost of booking trips for the kids, computer stuff for the kids….she just listens politely and tells me later.

bananamangoes · 05/12/2023 21:20

Some of the parents at my kids school are like this

Raising future snowflakes. Can see it happening before my eyes

Boilingover24 · 05/12/2023 21:28

I don’t think it just poor behaviour. I’ve come to think that ‘gentle (non) parenting’ is actually contributing to poor mental health. The number of children just in our social circle who are struggling with anxiety is staggering. These kids have few boundaries which is confusing for them, so little ability to regulate their emotions and are never forced to do a single thing they don’t want. Plus with constant gaming from a staggeringly young age I think we are basically ruining children. I just don’t think kids had anxiety like this when I was young. I don’t think it’s a case of being more aware of it now.

KateyCuckoo · 05/12/2023 21:35

Utterly agree. Along with babies with actual anger issues! Far far needier than I've ever come across in 20 years. Rarely can they just be put to sleep in a cot for a nap or are appropriately weaned to be able to enjoy a variety of meals and snacks.

Original poster
Starrystarryshite · 05/12/2023 22:10

I struggle to wrap my head around the way these children act to people outside their families. I used to work in a school in a disadvantaged area, with ‘rough’ parents and children with violent behavioural issues. Those children were more respectful than the middle class children I interact with now. People can say what they like about screaming ‘unclassy’ parents but Atleast they attempted to correct behaviour. I have been hit infront of parents this year by 6 year old children and had the parents say NOTHING to the child but instead say to me ‘oh they are tired’ and then give the child treats to subdue them.

I am dumbfounded.

OP posts:
tryingforasunshine · 05/12/2023 22:18

YANBU I agree but it’s not a very popular opinion it seems.

stepintochristmas1 · 05/12/2023 22:20

🍿😏

Phlewf · 05/12/2023 22:31

what drives me crazy is that there’s no solution to “they’re tired/had a busy week”. My kiddos always had the earliest nights of their friends, they weren’t seen and not heard but 11 hours on a school night. A busier few days means a quieter few days. I’m the bloody sleep police but we still get everything done.

TiptoeTess · 05/12/2023 22:41

I don’t think it’s just covid. I am seeing a surge in late teens/ young adults who have never been taught to be resilient or to tolerate things being anything other than exactly how they want them to be. It’s causing huge problems when they leave school and then can’t cope with the world, it really does worry me.

Ontheperiphery79 · 05/12/2023 23:07

In comparison with a lot of parents I know, I seem quite strict with my DC in terms of behavioural expectations.
I'm pretty laid back/low demand at home, but I don't let them run riot when we are out and about, I do expect basic manners and I will call my children out on their behaviour in front of others if I feel that they need it.
My ex thinks I'm too harsh, but I think he's too permissive.

Slowlylosingmymind101 · 05/12/2023 23:12

Gentle parenting only works for some kids in my opinion with a personality that matches.

It doesn't work for us. We say no when need be. My kids are always described as polite, well mannered, their homework is done, they are the friend kids need when they are sad or lonely etc. They are well rounded, in my opinion.

They argue with each other but can hold it together in public. If I got a call saying they hit a teacher I would be beyond embarrassed and would not be making excuses.

Not sure who these parents are who are OK with this behaviour.

Surely there needs to be a parental balance. Gentle parenting seems to be a new fad

Hankunamatata · 05/12/2023 23:15

There's lots of working parent guilt. They don't see such obviously of kids as they like as they are working therefore they don't want to have boundaries or discipline when they are with them.

Birdsongsinging · 05/12/2023 23:19

I disagree. I did not ‘do’ gentle parenting but kinda wish I had as I think the principles are good. I think young children’s behaviour can be difficult to manage and you sound judgemental about parents.

I think Covid has been difficult for lots of parents and children and you can’t dismiss it - it has had a huge impact on people’s lifes.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 05/12/2023 23:20

and are never forced to do a single thing they don’t want

Who forces you to do things you don't want to? And are you amenable to being forced into something you don't want to do?

If an adult is forced into do something they don't want to, it's coercive.

If a kid is forced into doing something they don't want to, it's character building.

Is that what you're saying?

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/12/2023 23:24

SweetFemaleAttitude · 05/12/2023 23:20

and are never forced to do a single thing they don’t want

Who forces you to do things you don't want to? And are you amenable to being forced into something you don't want to do?

If an adult is forced into do something they don't want to, it's coercive.

If a kid is forced into doing something they don't want to, it's character building.

Is that what you're saying?

This is such a ridiculous statement and to me fully encompasses how fucked up we've made these kids.

Yes my kids are forced to do a lot of things.

Get dressed for school, go to school, have good manners at the table, do the age appropriate chores they are assigned.

Boohoo they don't want to.

Startrekkeruniverse · 05/12/2023 23:27

SweetFemaleAttitude · 05/12/2023 23:20

and are never forced to do a single thing they don’t want

Who forces you to do things you don't want to? And are you amenable to being forced into something you don't want to do?

If an adult is forced into do something they don't want to, it's coercive.

If a kid is forced into doing something they don't want to, it's character building.

Is that what you're saying?

So what about homework for example. If a child isn’t keen on doing it do you just say ok that’s fine then? Or do you make them do it?

TeenLifeMum · 05/12/2023 23:30

Adults regularly have to do things they don’t want to do or there’s consequences. If I don’t pay my mortgage, I lose my home; if I don’t search through my emails for hours hunting for the Neff warranty they won’t fix my dishwasher for free. There’s so many things I don’t want to do but have to in order to be a responsible adult.

@SweetFemaleAttitude I’m afraid your argument doesn’t work. If I only did what I wanted, I’d love in a gorgeous townhouse in central London, overlooking the park. I wouldn’t work and I’d have a house keeper to sort all the life admin for me.

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 05/12/2023 23:32

SweetFemaleAttitude · 05/12/2023 23:20

and are never forced to do a single thing they don’t want

Who forces you to do things you don't want to? And are you amenable to being forced into something you don't want to do?

If an adult is forced into do something they don't want to, it's coercive.

If a kid is forced into doing something they don't want to, it's character building.

Is that what you're saying?

I don't always want to go to work.

I don't want to make difficult phone calls.

I don't want to go to the shops if I don't feel like it.

I don't want to spend all my money on bills and sensible stuff.

I don't want to work overtime.

I don't want to go out in the rain/cold.

It's not coercion. Its life.

Finestreason · 05/12/2023 23:35

🍿

Sounds like you need a new career.

JustTalkToThem · 05/12/2023 23:35

yawn - old person saying "kids these days"

It is time to retire or change careers - the kids deserve better than someone who seems to dislike them so much.

Gingerbee · 05/12/2023 23:39

Boilingover24 · 05/12/2023 21:28

I don’t think it just poor behaviour. I’ve come to think that ‘gentle (non) parenting’ is actually contributing to poor mental health. The number of children just in our social circle who are struggling with anxiety is staggering. These kids have few boundaries which is confusing for them, so little ability to regulate their emotions and are never forced to do a single thing they don’t want. Plus with constant gaming from a staggeringly young age I think we are basically ruining children. I just don’t think kids had anxiety like this when I was young. I don’t think it’s a case of being more aware of it now.

Very true

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 05/12/2023 23:39

JustTalkToThem · 05/12/2023 23:35

yawn - old person saying "kids these days"

It is time to retire or change careers - the kids deserve better than someone who seems to dislike them so much.

This is being discussed by educators on every social media platform I'm on.

There is a massive issue with pupils and more so their parents. Somewhere something went wrong.