To rant about this

[Starrystarryshite]

(Yes I know this won’t apply to all, it’s open rant but it’s one I desperately need to have for my own sanity)

Im a nanny. In my child related career I have been a teaching assistant, a SEN 1-2-1, an Early years educator and a nanny. I am truly at the end of my tether with the newest generation of children. Since covid I have encountered some of the worst behaviour, rudeness and complete lack of boundaries and what’s acceptable when it comes to adults outside of their families.

Gentle parenting seems to have been misconstrued as an absence of parenting. Parents trying to justify kids behaviour with this big focus on their feelings. I’m sick of hearing ‘they’re tired, they’ve had a long day, they had a busy weekend’ to justify their children hitting me, shouting, throwing tantrums. Boundaries are not put in place and there’s now many children who cannot handle any negative emotion because every bad bit of behaviour is explained away with excuses on ‘big feelings’.

Im noticing more children incapable of imaginative play because working parents have guilt and overcompensate so much with toys that children are overwhelmed and don’t even know how to play properly without waiting for the next shiny new thing.

Im exhausted going to work every day desperately trying to explain boundaries, routines to these children and their families to have the parents undo all my work because not even natural consequences are a thing in their households.

’gentle parenting’ and ‘covid babies and children’ are making me want to end a 15 year long career with children because all I am experiencing family after family is children who cannot handle ANY emotion and don’t have any independence and the worst thing Is it’s the parents who are causing it!!

When I worked in a school (10 years ago in a support role) I loved working with the disadvantaged kids. They would see me in the corridor and tell their friends to stop swearing “because miss doesn’t like it and we like her”. When they came to my office I’d be clear I was there for them but I had rules and no swearing was one of them.

middle class kids… urgh, nightmare (not all, just certain ones. My own dc are middle class but with clear expectations).

In the last month I have been forced to go for dental treatment twice, had a blood test and my BP taken and gone to the opticians for a diabetic eye screening.

I stood and watched a parent and child whilst i was waiting for the bus, the mum was stood between the bus stop and wall, the child( about 3) beside her was twirling round swinging a pack of nappies, she was in the middle of a busy pavement, mum's reaction was " Aria please come over here, Aria you are in the way, Aria please come here" on and on she went, never once moved her child. The lovely sweet child continued until she hit the walking stick of an old gentleman that the mum had seen trying to get past. The bone idle woman never even bothered to pick the walking stick up for the old man or apologise. Eventually she picked the lovely Aria up and even when the Princess Aria was belting her in the face she still didn't tell her off. The woman sums up way too many parents these days.

Frankly? You don't like the clients, get another job. You don't like the job? Retrain. Most people find their job changes over time and they have to adapt or move on.

It's not your job to parent their kids. You look after them, that's all. You don't like how they parent, just find a family more in line with your views and practices.

Oh dear, I think someone needs to read the post you actually quoted.

Here, I'll give you a hand.

IF she decides.

You're welcome 👍

You are missing the point. Teachers, EYPs, childminders, nannies are leaving their professions in numbers faster than they are being replaced. They’re doing this after decades of doing the job. It is not us that needs retraining, believe me.

I also disagree that it isn’t my job to parent the children. They are with me more awake hours than their own parents. I haven’t studied child development, behavioural courses and strategies not to implement them into my work. I just want the parents to do their part.

Erm. YES. Yes to all of this. It’s the parents enabling their children though and this weird wave of “school refusers”. My daughter doesn’t want to go to school either but guess what she has to go because if she doesn’t, I don’t go to work and I don’t get paid 🤷🏻‍♀️ far too many parents making excuses and all it’s doing is creating unresilient children. Life isn’t a fairytale, I hate going to work, I hate paying bills but what’s the alternative? It’s not up to society to meet everyone’s individual needs, it’s up to you to meet the needs of society to do what you can to survive. Otherwise you’re screwed. In this country we have amazing opportunities that are turned down by parents for their children and I do wonder how helpful that’s going to be in the long run

Teachers, EYPs, childminders, nannies are leaving their professions in numbers faster than they are being replaced. They’re doing this after decades of doing the job. It is not us that needs retraining, believe me.

I am interested in where this information is from? Is this opinion or fact? The implication being that there is currently an inordinately high level of attrition among these professions primarily due to the behaviour of the children?

We go to ruddy work don't we?

There’s definitely a high level of attrition in teaching and also a lot of teachers finding behaviour is having a negative impact on them. I don’t think it’s the main reason people are leaving (I’d guess that would be work life balance) but it’s probably top three.

“In June 2022, 60% of school leaders and teachers reported that pupil misbehaviour had had a negative impact on their health and wellbeing to any extent in the past week: of these, 7% reported it to ‘a great extent’, 23% to ‘some extent’ and 31% to ‘a small extent’.”

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1161570/National_Behaviour_Survey_academic_year_2021_to_22_report.pdf

But that report doesn’t give any corollary? And is specific to teachers - I know that teaching has a high rate of attrition in recent years. Whether it is higher than it ever has been historically and if it is then that being due to dramatic behavioural declines seems very unlikely. I thought that teachers generally were leaving due to no pay increases.

The statement that there is a higher level of attrition among EYPs and Nannies means that it would be a good time to be working in those fields as demand for experience would be high.

But I’m doubting this staff are leaving in droves across alls sectors of child care and teaching due to poor behaviour. Seems hyperbolic?

@Finestreason i can’t state numbers, but it is certainly the case where I live.

i am a childminder. I am part of a wider community of childcare providers locally and we have lost 50% of our group since January 2022.

i have been a childminder for 13 years and will be stopping the new year. I am
so exhausted. Examples of what I have had to put up with recently:

• an exclusively breastfed baby that has been attachment parented. Mum knew she was going back to work at 10/12 months and made no effort to wean off the boob, then wondered why the child wouldn’t settle.
• 4 yo who broke his arm when he fell off the roof of a slide/climbing equipment at the park (was with his mum not me, thank goodness). His mum said that she told him it was too dangerous to climb on it, but he wanted to eat his after school snack up there and wouldn’t listen to her
• a one year old who would hit his dad in the face, was told to use “kind hands”, has now progressed to punching and kicking and still no real effort from the parents to stop it

so many more examples and it is soul destroying to remember.

i can’t wait to stop

Do you think us child related professionals don’t talk to each other? We do. We tell each other exactly why we are leaving our positions when we do.
We also see the job posts. Parents desperate for nannies - no one will take the jobs because they WFH and disrupt children behaviour and interfere with their incorrect strategies to ‘help’ when they here any sort of whinging or they can’t keep a nanny for the same reasons.

We see the demand, we see it unfulfilled and we know why.

It def is behaviour! If you read any teacher news like tes or schoolsweek? It's behaviour and also pandering to parents. Once upon a time it was down to the child how well they achieved, taking advantage of the amazing free education offered. Now the teacher is responsible no matter what the attitude of the child. It started well before covid but the gov shutting schools def didn't help.

Yes, I’m aware that people in the same and/similar professions tend to talk to each other.

Ok then. If you say it is so then so it must be. Seems like the best time to be a Nanny as you could choose to work for a family that aligns with your parenting ethos and since demand is high get better package to boot.

This is fascinating- I’m not that old - just hitting 40 but I see something similar in my young colleagues just entering the workforce in their late teens and early twenties. They are lovely young people but just seem so ill prepared for the trials and tribulations of the workplace? Like they seem to get upset at being asked to do things and questioned when they under perform, are constantly on their phones and wonder off for long lunches. Is this part of a downward trend?

Ok then. If you say it is so then so it must be. Seems like the best time to be a Nanny as you could choose to work for a family that aligns with your parenting ethos and since demand is high get better package to boot.

I’m not talking about contrasting parenting styles. I’m talking about a complete lack of parenting all together.

Ok. No parenting at all.

Is this true of all your charges and is the no-parenting also true among all your peers?

This one over here folks! Clearly the exact type of parent I’m talking about

I have seen some nonsense on here in my time but babies with anger issues and one year olds hitting being a sign of a doomed generation have got to be up there.

Go back thirty years to 1993 and I was thirteen. Do you really think my experience in school was one where other children quietly listened to the teacher impart knowledge and respectfully raised their hands before speaking? Ha ha ha.

Pink Floyd’s dark sarcasm in the classroom didn’t come from nowhere: humiliation and shame replaced corporal punishment. Then you had a side helping of eating disorders (girls) teen pregnancies (also girls) and a whole host of things that weren’t acceptable today.

The childcare industry wasn’t well regulated but to be honest maybe it still isn’t as some of the posts on this thread are a bit worrying.

Very small children can be really difficult, especially at this time of year. Sometimes you have to do something because it’s best for everybody, but your child isn’t necessarily learning a lesson about boundaries through it. I took a stick away from my three year old earlier because he wouldn’t stop waving it around in the car and hitting me. I don’t actually think he meant to hit me with it but it was getting a bit dangerous so after a few reminders I took it away. A screaming tantrum ensued and it was tiredness and frustration and so on. Was I right to do so: yes. Did ds learn an important lesson about my rules and boundaries and discipline - no. I am a bit shocked anyone would judge him for something like that to be honest.

This thread has made me wonder if MN has just completely lost the plot!

You need to undertake 'gentle managing' of them.

Don't force them to do anything they don't actively wish to do.

Don't give an honest critique of their abilities/effort - just praise, praise, praise for even the most shoddy, useless product they turn in.
Don't EVER have the temerity to suggest they are required to actually earn their salary.

In their ideal scenario you'll simply do their work for them because, like, they are so fricking busy on Whatsapp, yeah?

Job's a good'un. 👍

I have been a childminder for 18 years and I agree with every word of the OP. I have never seen behaviour like this. Parents are so scared of upsetting their kids that they bribe them with treats to do every day things. If they want something it has to be bought right away.
Children being allowed to hit parents. They have no resilience and someone said if they don’t like something they don’t have to continue with it.
I have had parents beg to bring their children to me after hours to give their child medicine as they can’t do it as the child won’t let them.
The kids just aren’t being told no.
i love my job but it’s exhausting in a way it has never been before.

@Eveningintheafternoon the point of the op is it’s not the children that are being judged, but absentee parenting - and I’m sorry to say if I saw you let your child hit you more than once without being told off I would judge - I’m not trying to personally offend anyone on this thread I’m just being honest.

@Grumpsy it depends what that telling off achieves I would say. I managed to stop a kicking phase with a firm no and walking away whenever he did it, which isn’t a telling off but it worked. Most one year olds don’t really understand a telling off.

There is a very loud online insistence that parents ‘nowadays’ (usually roughly defined as post pandemic) are overly permissive, address their child as darling or other such endearments when telling them not to do something and don’t have boundaries, always much talk of boundaries to the point of obsession.

What do people think prompted this post 2020? Is it a feeling that their children missed out because of the lockdowns so they need to make it up to them? Is it that they missed a stage of development through lack of access to nursery or school? Or is it that parents were just trying to get through as best they could, combining work and supervising their children. Because we are nearly four years after the first lockdown, yet most of these posts are about preschoolers and babies.

And yet so many posts complain about the need parents have to constantly entertain their children. Well, they didn’t between March - July 2020, that’s for sure. That went well, didn’t it?

Or is it just a generalised complaint about the way society is going? Because this idea that before 2020 babies happily napped independently in cots, no breastfed baby ever refused a bottle and mothers would ensure they were weaned before returning to work, no toddler ever lashed out (and if they did they were Told Off) is bizarre even by MN standards.

I do think that we have a more sympathetic and understanding view of children nowadays which I don’t see as a bad thing, and I certainly don’t think it’s a bad thing that we’ve mostly left smacking, etc in the past

It might be that this sort of absent parenting is on the rise, but I don't think it's everywhere. I have seen the sort of families being referred to, so I agree they exist, but I don't think they are the norm. Or at least not in my world.

Overall there is more willingness to agree children have agency and rights and I don't think that's a bad thing. It definitely goes too far sometimes and, in schools especially, I can see how that's a huge issue. But I still don't think it's the norm, and I hope the pendulum will swing back a little as many of those children will find life harder later.