To rant about this

[Starrystarryshite]

(Yes I know this won’t apply to all, it’s open rant but it’s one I desperately need to have for my own sanity)

Im a nanny. In my child related career I have been a teaching assistant, a SEN 1-2-1, an Early years educator and a nanny. I am truly at the end of my tether with the newest generation of children. Since covid I have encountered some of the worst behaviour, rudeness and complete lack of boundaries and what’s acceptable when it comes to adults outside of their families.

Gentle parenting seems to have been misconstrued as an absence of parenting. Parents trying to justify kids behaviour with this big focus on their feelings. I’m sick of hearing ‘they’re tired, they’ve had a long day, they had a busy weekend’ to justify their children hitting me, shouting, throwing tantrums. Boundaries are not put in place and there’s now many children who cannot handle any negative emotion because every bad bit of behaviour is explained away with excuses on ‘big feelings’.

Im noticing more children incapable of imaginative play because working parents have guilt and overcompensate so much with toys that children are overwhelmed and don’t even know how to play properly without waiting for the next shiny new thing.

Im exhausted going to work every day desperately trying to explain boundaries, routines to these children and their families to have the parents undo all my work because not even natural consequences are a thing in their households.

’gentle parenting’ and ‘covid babies and children’ are making me want to end a 15 year long career with children because all I am experiencing family after family is children who cannot handle ANY emotion and don’t have any independence and the worst thing Is it’s the parents who are causing it!!

I think some of these kids deserve better than parents who don’t teach them values needed to enable them to navigate the world as functioning adults when the time comes

I think often the problem with gentle parenting approach is that to do it properly and consistently is actually quite hard work, and not the easy option some people think. You do have to consistently hold the boundary, set clear expectations, be willing to say no, follow through on consequences, be clear in validating the feelings but not the behaviour etc etc etc. If you can’t be consistent with that and just say “no don’t hit” and then carry on as if nothing happened, or worse you don’t even acknowledge the hitting because they’re just “having feelings”, then it’s not really the proper gentle parenting method. Not sure it’s really any parenting method…

I agree OP, and what I find strange is the parents who seem unwilling to let their children feel the full gamut of human emotions. This really hampers children's abilities to self-regulate and reflect on their responses to their environment and interactions with others. Boredom, disappointment, sadness, anger etc are all justifiable emotions in the right circumstances, and we need to be able to deal with having these feelings in order to develop appropriate coping mechanisms.

No, I don't force my child to do her homework or get ready for school as the examples you give.

I make her aware of the consequences i.e. detention if homework isn't done, no lift if she isn't ready by X time, but I've never abused my power i.e. being bigger or stronger than her, as a tool to force her into doing something.

YANBU and I think a big part of the problem is parents constantly comparing their kids to adults.

'Well you wouldn't ask an adult to do this, so why would you ask a child?'

'Well you wouldn't expect this from an adult, so why do you expect it from a child'?

Yet if the child is showing poor behaviour and you dare compare them to an adult, you'll get your arse handed to you because 'they're just a child'.

Adults and kids are different and should be treated as such. If they're not, they'll often grow up into very over entitled pre-teens and teens.

So she can just decide to not go to school, not do chores, no personal hygiene, no manners and you'd be fine with that?

Poor kid's going to have terrible teeth and very smelly breath, if she decides she doesn't care about any future potential consequences of not brushing.

And that sort of damage often cannot be undone.

I work in a place with lots of kids and do see this a lot. I've literally heard "I know you're hurting" after this kid actually slapped another so no, the kid you hit is actually hurting, you're just naughty!

But I don't do this with my kids so it's not all of us. Just some have bought into this shite and you're unlucky enough to work for them

I've literally heard "I know you're hurting" after this kid actually slapped another so no, the kid you hit is actually hurting, you're just naughty

That's damaging to the child in another way, it teaches them to label their emotions wrongly, which is going to lead to a whole heap of trouble as they get older!

Is it not possible that as every generation learns more and more about child development as far as parenting is concerned, the systems we have in place for schooling are out of step with what parents are being told is 'best practice' in terms of treating children?

As parents, we're told that we need to nurture our children with loving care, give them autonomy, and allow them to express themselves, but once at school the emphasis is very much on conformity and self expression is actively discouraged in many ways. The rigidity of the curriculum and the emphasis on uniform and rule-following etc in schools are at odds with the latest advice in parenting, (and much of the more recent research into teaching and learning AFAIAA).

Educational reform is complex and slow but I do wonder if the children in the system at the moment are suffering as a result of the combination of the two approaches.

Poor kid's going to have terrible teeth and very smelly breath, if she decides she doesn't care about any future potential consequences of not brushing

And that sort of damage often cannot be undone

😂 What makes you think she doesn't brush her teeth?? How weird.

My daughter is nearly 15. Very well behaved, showers every day, gets up for school, brushes her teeth, etc.

She's just a normal healthy teenager doing well for herself.

I am sorry if your kids would all end up like walking smell bags if they weren't forced into things 🙄

Some people seem very angry that I don't have to force my child to do normal, every day inane tasks.

Absolutely ridiculous. Doing things you don’t want is part of life! Going to work everyday for a start. I have a friend who complains her 8 yo is a hermit who won’t ever try any activities. She’s allowed them to give up everything the second they say they don’t want to go anymore, well what does she expect? You persevere, especially if it’s things like learning to swim. I had to take mine for 8 weeks and watch them sit on the side of the pool before they decided they would engage and now they love swimming and are very good at it. That was non negotiable for me (I understand many parents can’t afford to take kids swimming but I’m talking about people who can and the principal I’d the same). Same when they’re much younger with trying new foods. So many parents give up the second little Johnny declares he doesn’t like X, Y and z. Now half of them only eat and handful of beige items because they have declared they hate everything else and when they don’t eat dinner are offered a variety of snacks instead.

This is also very true. I’ve never seen full gentle parenting properly practiced by anyone I know IRL. They tend to do the whole ‘darling you’re having big feelings bla bla’ several times and then loose their rag completely like any other lesser being. To me that’s actually much worse than giving a concise clear warning for a child to behave before you go to top level discipline, and no I don’t mean hitting before anyone drops that accusation. I believe it’s contributing to emotional instability. It must be very confusing.

I see parents using their children almost as a security blanket. Struggling to let them go as they walk into school; no real pressure to attend school-especially if working from home. It’s easier to keep children off when you’re WFH and it’s cold outside and it’s hard work to get them up and out.

Yes I know a few children like this

parents not able to enforce tight boundaries around their children when it’s needed yet have no problems complaining when teachers do

ds is at an age where he is slightly challenging I often remind him I am not his friend I am his mum and at times he will not like me but that’s ok

he has adhd it’s not allowed to be used as an excuse for behaviour he is able to reflect on, I understand in the moment his reactions are at times difficult to deal with and this is different for every child with adhd and most importantly he is learning to understand this too

I absolutely agree OP. I've worked in schools for 30 years & I've seen such a big difference.
I worked for years in an area with many social problems but respect for school staff was always treated as important.
It's just not the case now, there are no consequences, only excuses & the more affluent the area, the worse it seems to get.
Put that together with school staff who are so ridiculously overworked they simply don't have time to even try to install any values & you have a generation where I honestly wonder how they'll survive modern life.

Just the other day there was a post from a woman whose 5 year old refused to go out when the OP needed to. Do you think that it is acceptable, do you think a toddler understands Doctors appointments, the need to go to the shop for food or the need to pick a sibling up from school ? Or do you think said sibling should be left at the school gate because the toddler doesn't want to go out ? Yes sometimes children have to forced to do things they do not want to do.

Wrong.
I used to work with getting 19- 21 year olds into education, work or training. Over the 15 years I did this we had more and more young people who just didnt like being told what to do, like to be on time, fill in paperwork, produce ID ect. And a rise in parents kicking up a fuss because their ADULT child had missed out on an opportunity through their own actions.

Never saying no to a child leads to a lack of resilience in adults ime.

While I agree that there are issues with some parenting these days, gone are the days when we could send our children out to play and let them go into each others houses, leave them in the care of teenagers etc. I doubt your Mum, or rather it would be very rare if she had the homework to do with her primary aged child and do the engagement with the school and have to take them to things that parents do these days. We (56) walked to Brownies, Sunday school/church, then took ourselves swimming etc. Someone of her age isn't a good example tbh.

I couldn't agree more, I have distanced myself from one of my best friends as she is a friggin nightmare regarding parenting. She has a 6yr DS, who is rude, miserable, whiney and totally awful to be around . She does nothing to reprimanded him when he kicks off, which is constantly. If I hear her say, "Use your nice words (name)" - one more time I will explode 😂

I was a "gentle parent" in that I didn't hit them but I spent hours playing with them each day, hours doing active play outside etc. I do think the internet causes as much harm as good. Kids learn imaginative play by seeing it and trying it instead of being overstimulated. Some countries are now banning screentime for small kids or limiting for this reason.

Gen z is breeding

I completely agree OP. I despair at the soft parenting that I've seen. I was fairly strict from them being babies and I don't think it was coincidence that they slept through from 10 weeks, understood what No meant and they did what I asked of them.

My friend was late to us the other month as their 2yr old didn't want to get in the car so they were pleading with him on the drive for 40mins. He did as they were leaving us too, they were saying "this is what he is like". I scooped him up, sang him a song and clipped him in. It took 30 seconds.

DysmalRadius
Is it not possible that as every generation learns more and more about child development as far as parenting is concerned, the systems we have in place for schooling are out of step with what parents are being told is 'best practice' in terms of treating children?

As parents, we're told that we need to nurture our children with loving care, give them autonomy, and allow them to express themselves, but once at school the emphasis is very much on conformity and self expression is actively discouraged in many ways. The rigidity of the curriculum and the emphasis on uniform and rule-following etc in schools are at odds with the latest advice in parenting, (and much of the more recent research into teaching and learning AFAIAA).

I disagree that what you’ve outlined is universally viewed as best parenting practice. It is probably considered best parenting practice by a modest section of British, mostly middle class, parents. Loving care, yes, but not all the rest, all the time.

I’d just like to make the point that some conformity is required of most of us to function well in society as adults. Few people are able to carve out a truly individual life that’s out of step with everyone else and feel happy at the same time. It’s the job of the parent to help their child understand when conformity is important, when it’s useful and when it’s optional.

I also REALLY have to take issue with the assertion that most parents are acting according to best child development practices. Frankly, most are not even trying. We all KNOW that children’s access to the internet should be limited and monitored. How often does that happen? Internet is the default babysitter in many homes. When adults know what a sewer the internet is, how can people give their children pretty much free access and hope for the best?

The people who develop apps like Facebook and TikTok often ban their own children from unsupervised internet access. They know how addictive they are because they were developed to be that way. But tired parents who work long hours can’t seem to stop showing love by giving stuff, mostly expensive tech products. Those tech products are then used to keep children entertained while their parents unwind and decompress from work. People KNOW what they’re doing isn’t best practice. I think they’re so tired physically or mentally that they take the path of least resistance and hope for the best.

Oh come on. I don't work in childcare but can believe the issues OP is talking about, but babies don't have "anger issues"! Anger issues suggests an inability to control your anger/upset/general negative emotions, which isn't really something I'd expect from a 6 month old.