Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

I think you need to re evaluate and ask yourself if he deserves to be married to you.

It really doesn’t matter OP, this particular 30yr old bloke doesn’t. Who cares. Read the replies people have typed out. It’s like talking to a wall.

Together 4 years. honestly I'm starting to get hurt seeing so many people around us engaged, younger and after a shorter relationship. But according to him it's only because they've got more money and better jobs :s

If he tells me once more that Sally and Jack are engaged because they earn more I will scream.

Leave him OP. DH and I were skint and on way less money than either of you when we got married. I too allowed a couple of ex partners to treat me like your "partner" is treating you- was a total waste of years of my life before I met DH (who I married very quickly!). You deserve better

He is setting the target as something deliberately out of reach and that he has no real intention of striving for, so that the pair of you never hit the target he has set and he never has to fulfill his commitment. It he did-he would move the goalpost.

And THIS is why his nonsense target makes no sense. Because its not meant to. Stop driving yourself crazy trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

You're torturing yourself going through the motions with him OP. If you want DC you need to leave now. He is a future faker, don't let him spoil your life.

Marraige has nothing to do with what either of you earns but you know this. Its just a handy excuse for him. I'm with my dh 5 years, married 1 and we have a dc2. We earn the average wage, we definitely aren't in poverty, we are happy, warm , fed and our son never goes without.
He's a future faker and you are wasting your fertility on a looser like him. Get rid fast and find someone who would marry you in a heart beat.

OP, are you going to ignore the 99.9% of responses telling you the truth because it's easier to believe the one that says he's scared?

He's not scared.

My ex kept putting up excuses, not to get married he was a commitment-phobe, but even living together.
6 years ,SIX YEARS, later I gave up and left. At that point he clearly didn't want to be with me and would regularly call it off only to come crawling back a few weeks later.
Turns out he didn't really want me but didn't want to be alone.
A few months later he managed to get together with a woman from work he had been chasing for months, pretty much moved her straight in with him.
Suppose the moral of my story is what others have said, he doesn't plan the long stretch with you but will not let you go till he's found something better.
I was 34 but thankfully met now DH 6 months later, got married and had DS pretty quickly its our 20 year anniversary next month.
Don't waste your life

We'd been together 5 years, and lived together almost 4, before we got engaged. Together almost 7 before we got married, although the date was set almost immediately to give us time to save and plan properly. Your timescale doesn't have to match other people. You just have to be ready.

But you're ready and he isn't, which is what the problem is. It's nothing to do with money or length of time or what Jack and Jill are up to. He's not ready to marry you. So either you wait for him to be ready, which may be never, or you leave and find someone who matches your needs and timescales.

Either way, comparing your relationship to anyone else's is never going to end with you being happy. Make yours what you want. With the right person for you.

OP - you need to end it. This is all he wants. If you want marriage and family you need to go elsewhere. He just isn't as committed as you.

Is it your house, his house rented? Can you/ he leave?

He's future faking, OP.

If you want kids you need to dump his sorry arse pronto.

The best time to dump him was two years ago. The second best time to dump him is today.

If you stay with him he will run down your biological clock and then decide he's finally ready for marriage and kids with someone else when you're the wrong side of 40.

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale

At 35, you still have a chance to meet someone else, fall in love, get married and have children.

At 38, less so.

At 41, no, probably not.

Don't cling to this mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

Please listen to the people who've been in your shoes.

I'm the "woman that came after you". DH was frankly pissing about with his ex gf, pretending he would propose one day. Pretending children were on the cards. She did the ultimatum. And guess what, he didn't marry her. Two months later he met me. Eight months later we got married. Ten months later our twins were born.

And do you know what, I wish her nothing but the best and I hope she finds the right man. She was smart enough to get out at 34. She still can.

It’s obvious from your replies you’re not interested in everyone’s comments. You could have said at the start.

Here’s something to mull over OP. If he’s so focused on money, and you are the higher earner, I bet you have a good pension. It doesn’t bother me with DP if we ever got married, because he’s a decent human being and if we divorced he’d only get what he’s legally entitled to, but your DP sounds like the type to come after your house, your pension and whatever savings you have. He sounds obsessed with other people’s earnings.

Please don't say that, I am very interested and grateful for the replies. It's not so easy to just go, ok, I'm going to leave right now! I'm building up courage.

Don't take too long building up the courage. You're 35. You haven't got time to waste on this idiot.

I have got a good pension, good maternity pay etc but he's got more savings than me and zero debt. I also said my family have offered support with any childcare and he said he doesn't want a baby being 'passed from person to person '.
It's scary when you give your all to someone for years and this is how it ends up.

you keep going on about the boyfriends worthless thoughts and words, they’re irrelevant. You’re an adult, fully capable of planning her life. There is no need to obsess and cling on desperately to some guy. Anyway, I’m out.

Time is not on your side (if you want a kid), you get one life and you’ve already thrown away 4 years that you could have spent in millions of better ways, don’t waste one second more.

Good relationships are not this hard OP.
Getting married is nothing to do with wages and jobs.
Move on. He can't give you what you need and deserve.

This is a red flag as well though tbh.

Is he saying he would want one of you to be a stay at home parent?

Quite apart from the fact that I expect this means he thinks you should be a stay at home parent, and you should be able to go back to work if you want to without him getting shitty with you, whichever one of you is going to be the breadwinner would need to be earning a lot more than you currently are in order to support the whole family. Which means it's not going to happen before the end of your childbearing years.

I'm building up courage.

Courage for what? You're not jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. All you're doing is wasting time.

He has an excuse for and a negative comment every single proposed scenario you raise, OP.

You can do so much better. Starting with a man who actually wants you and a life with you.

It's not so easy to walk out after years when someone talks the talk and tries to convince you they do want the same. The replies have helped me to see sense, I'm still scared though.