Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

Believe yourself and put yourself before this person manipulating you.

Ah he’s already laying the foundations for baby excuses.

”We can’t afford childcare and I don’t want the baby being passed from person to person. We have to wait until we earn more money. We can’t afford a baby”.

Google Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Yes it is scary to leave a relationship you have invested in..but not as scary as looking back with what ifs!

His words are cheap. His actions (or non actions) speak louder. You're wasting your youth on this future faker. Move on and find someone who is on the same page as you and wants the same future.

Was also going to say this is the sunk cost fallacy.

Stop building courage and start building a life.

Live up to your username.

I had a job interview in which the interviewer used the phrase "fail slow".

As in: this idea is a bad idea, you know it's going to fail.
Do you admit that, and junk it, and try something else?
Or do you keep sinking in more and more time and effort trying to make it work for longer, even after you know it's bad...?
...that's "failing slow".

If it's a bad relationship - which this IS - then you can't fix it, no matter how long you wait for him to love you enough.

Don't fail slow.

But detach, take a step back, and see it for what it is:

It's not so easy to walk out after years when someone talks the talk manipulates to their advantage and tries to convince you they do want the same lies to your face.

When you see it in the plain light of day, it's very easy to walk out. Frankly, how dare he.

The replies have helped me to see sense, I'm still scared though.

It is scary. You've been living a lie, at his doing, for all these years, and it's like you've just woken up. You know what's scarier though? Letting this liar deceive you until it's too late to ever have children.

I get this. I spent ten years with the person who led me on. I left him at 30. There was no future there, but I clung to the promises and told myself I’d already invested so much time that a little bit more was the right thing to do. It was totally sunk cost fallacy.

https://www.adrtimes.com/sunk-cost-fallacy-relationships/#:~:text=Ritual%3A%20Often%2C%20it%20is%20the,rest%20through%20a%20closure%20ritual.

They say don’t throw good money after bad, but here I would say don’t throw good time after bad.

I do wonder if it’s worth shifting straight to the baby conversation. “Say DP, once we eventually have enough money to get married, when do you think we should have kids? Would the marriage amount of earnings be enough for kids? Would you financially support me through maternity leave or expect me to use my savings to keep up contributions? What do you imagine the childcare would look like, nursery and afterschool wraparound? You taking time off to look after them as I’m the higher earner?”

I think that would be eye opening. And, it’s a conversation you ABSOLUTELY need to have before marriage anyway.

I would be interested to know what your current financial setup is too.

Looking at someone's previous behaviour, words and actions can usually be a good basis from which to attempt to predict what they may be like in the future.

If today he came home and said 'put your shoes on, we're going to get married right now, and when we get home we're gonna make a baby.' That would be far from the answer to all your prayers. Tomorrow would begin a whole new world of anxieties which extend to wondering if he 'really' loves you, wondering if he'll leave if a better offer comes up. You can be more than certain that he'll bring up the notion that you 'forced' him into marriage and or fatherhood should he have an off day about pretty much anything.

This is not the life you should strive to have, it's one you should strive to leave before you're further along this chaotic road.

Once your fertility is gone, it's gone.
His will be ticking along for a younger woman though..
He's not interested enough in you.
My DH proposed to me when he was an apprentice! Now that is a low wage. He wanted a life with me, richer and poorer and all that.

Didn't you post about this a month ago? DP won't commit to marriage, colleague at work is interested, same excuses for why you can't leave, thanking everyone for their advice but not acting upon any of it?

Woman up, get down on one knee and propose to him. His response should be the answer you need.

Or alternatively, let's call it Plan A, dump the chap.

No I've just made my account today.

Wow what a time waster! I had one like that. He was happy to string me along.

Meanwhile, your biological clock is ticking. Get rid and find a man who wants to commit.

In the meantime, I strongly urge you to go and get a round of IVF and freeze some eggs. Give it a couple of years and your egg quality will bomb. You'll thank yourself in the future!

@Channellingsophistication

In a nicest possible way op, you don't sound scared. You sound desperate for a man, any man. I am not surprised he is stalling- most people would, if how you come across here is anywhere near how you are in real life. Men want to marry for love, not because everyone around them is getting married, they have good maternity leave provision or their family are nearby for childcare.

Change your approach and you will be beating them off with a stick.

This is unsalvable, so move out. Hopefully, after 6 months to a year, he will come to your spareroom house share and propose as he will see the opposite of what you are coming off as here and will be more closer to what he would want to propose to. Good luck.
Yes, you wasted your 4 years, not him!

You should be fucking terrified to stay with this man. You will lose everything if you do. The regret you will have will ruin your life.

This guy will never marry you. He can't make a decision and he's hedging his bets in case something better comes along. Leave and don't look back. You deserve so much better.

How peculiar! This thread is pretty much identical, down to the DP being 30 and the OP being older.

He's not even talking the talk.

You're bringing the subject up, putting him on the spot and he's feeling he has to say something to avoid tears/drama whatever. If you didn't mention marriage and kids he certainly wouldn't ever bring it up.

HE DOES NOT WANT MARRIAGE, HE DOES NOT WANT KIDS.

If you want those things you need to leave fast.

Im really not desperate for any man .. not sure how it seems like that? Like many women I'd like commitment, it doesn't make me desperate. I wouldn't just date anyone.

Well I wanted to marry for love and still do, but he made various excuses about how we can't, so I tried to reassure him.

He.doesnt.care.

You have a better job, better prospects and are financially stable. Why have you tied this millstone round your neck? Just read this thread back, even if you only read what you have said about him. That shoukd make it easier to dump him. Marriage isn't the happily ever after, it is the beginning of a very long road. Even if you frogmarch him up the aisle do you want years of this? Because that's what you'll get.

When I read your first post: I said she sounds desperate.

I then went through all your posts hoping my first reaction would change, but it was only reinforced by each and every post. Well, you asked for opinions, that's mine.