Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

I wouldn’t try too hard to drill down into the reasons why he’s doing this, all that matters is the outcome - which is that he won’t marry you. He doesn’t want to commit to you. You can torture yourself wondering if it’s about money or his background but none of it matters really. Just get out and spend that energy on someone who wants to be with you.

Please don’t bother with the I’m leaving if you don’t book….he may just do that, then pull out at the last minute. Another year of your life wasted.

Even if you convince him to marry you l, do you really want to marry someone who you had to frogmarch down the aisle? Life is too short. You deserve someone who wakes up and thinks wow I get to marry femaleofthespecies.

Move on. My cousin just got married to the love of her life at 45 after settling for a decade then being single for 5 years. She is blissfully happy and wishes she left when her gut told her to. Incidentally she found out she had near misses with this man so many times over the years. They went to the same gym, they were at a the same wedding etc….but all when she wasn’t looking as she was with the other guy. So the universe finally got them together after she allowed it to.

When someone loves you and wants to spend the rest of their lives with you they don’t um and ah about it, they do it. Talk is cheap. None of what he says matters. You want to be in a committed relationship and get married and maybe have a family. He is a coward and user, someone selfishly dangling a carrot and taking advantage. Don’t let him. Walk away. Because ultimately you can’t blame him for any of this as you have allowed it to happen. Only you are in charge of your life.

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale Ask the lovely interested guy out for a Christmas coffee and mince pie.
Not to make that useless knob bf jealous but because you deserve to spend a bit of time with someone who wants to get to know you better.

If you want a family, leave now.

Stop pissing about and just go. This bloke has no intention of marrying you and isn't fussed about having children. But you've wasted most of your fertile years on him.

Get out now.

No ultimatum in the world will make this man marry you. He is never, ever going to marry you.

Your life and fertility are being frittered away, and at this point, it's all on you. You are actively choosing to stay with this fuckwit of a man, who is blatantly jerking you around. He has baited and switched you so many times I'm amazed you can even see straight. I honestly can't comprehend why you are still with him.

Invest in this game changer of a book

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Well isn't that convenient for him eh.

"Oh, we can't can't get married, because you deserve a lifestyle and a huge wedding that I, poor innocent man, can not provide, oh how I wish I could marry you"

"Um? I don't want a big wed...."

"You see! It's impossible, if only I could give you the life you deserve, I'm thinking all about you here"

What a manipulative prick. The problem is, you're believing the words he's saying, instead of seeing them for what they are. A lazy, easy, permanent excuse to never marry you.

And I'm just saying this to prepare you, when you leave him, he'll marry the next one pretty fast. It's such a common thing. But, this won't matter to you, because you'll not have wasted any more of your life with him.

Well he's just going to agree to your ultimatum then back out nearer the time.

Is the penny starting to Drop?

I don't think OP is listening. Very few of her posts are engaging with the advice and opinions everyone has given. Seems to be a pattern on MN at the moment...

Leave him, please, please leave him. Now, like literally in the next couple of weeks.

don’t go into 2024 in this shitty relationship where he is basically accusing you of somehow being a gold digger when he accuses you of leaving only because he doesn’t earn enough.

like if he earns more you’d stay.

hes wasting your time, he’s comfortable and doesn’t want to upset the apple cart. he can see how distressing this is for you but carries on.

please leave now, you won’t end up happily married with children with this man.

I met my DH when he was 30 and at 30 he was definitely not ready for marriage. I'm younger, so neither was I. But I think a lot of men at that age are still working out who they are and what they want and the idea of committing forever scares them. And they can do it all later if they want to. Women, however, can't have EVERYTHING once they pass a certain age so mostly they're a bit more hardwired into wanting the commitment to build a life.

If its what you want, you need to find someone in the same place in life as you, because he's not.

I really despise these men who deliberately waste their partner’s fertile years so they have someone to provide them with sex, housework and money while they look for Mrs Right. It’s just such an evil thing to do to someone.

As others have said, he’s 100% the type who’ll be married to a woman 10 years younger than you within 6 months of you breaking up with him.

Thanks Op. I now have this song as an earworm!

No. If he really wanted to marry you and knew how strongly you felt about it he would take action - either getting engaged, or getting married at the registry office. AND he would start working to better his career options. If you want children, unfortunately, he has much more time than you do to fanny about and make excuses.

What a con artist! Stringing you on, manipulating you, blinding hot and cold.

Dump him. You deserve better!

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale he doesn't want you to leave because he is lazy. It will mean that he will have to buck up his ideas if he wants another parnter and make more of an effort. He doesn't have to do that with you because he has everything on tap.

He likes the comfort of you. But doesn't want you as his wife or mother of his child. He will eventually get married - but not to you. You're not trapped, you are choosing to stay. Why would he spell it out? You cant make him. You do need to do some work on your self-esteem

You believe him.
He said he doesn't like planning ahead.
He has constantly asked for more time.
He loves you but I'm sorry it seems like he doesn't want to marry you.
My sister had similar - eventually they broke up and he met someone a few months later and three months into that relationship he proposed.
Good news ending though - my sister also met a lovely guy much better suited to her and they are married with three kids.

His behaviour is cruel.

Get yourself out of that situation and accept a date with your colleague.

Sorry @Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale if he wanted to marry you nothing would stop him; not his wage, your wages, his earning potential, nothing.

please don’t wait for him - it will come to nothing.

finish with him now - no ultimatums, no chances, no promises, just finish.

date the fella at work if you want to.

but most of all, if you are a people pleaser, concentrate on making your life happy, not his.

Even 30 year olds don't want to commit because it's too scary for them? Whattt?! Should they wait until 40?

Be guided by his actions not his words. He’s messing you about, basically. No one should settle for anyone who is not clearly committed to them. Everything he says is just excuses.

Yes, but even if he did reluctantly marry you, the next thing that he'd never be ready for is kids. And then it'll be too late for you. Seriously, just pick up what's left of your dignity and self-esteem and walk away - you are worth more than this.

No one said it makes sense. But yes, it's scary for people.

How long have you actually been together?

Also, I know MANY men who can't handle the idea of "the missus" earning more than them. Makes them feel like less of a man if they aren't the breadwinner. Some (my DH included) don't care. But many don't like it.