Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

It winds me up when he explains that his friends are married etc. because they've got more money. It doesn't mean they're more deserving. He keeps saying it.

You’re a woman in your mid thirties who presumably would like to have children and this man (child) is happy to let very important years of your life go by while he has a think about what he wants. Instead of communicating that though he’s projecting back on you (presumably out of guilt and his desire not to come across as the bad guy) and trying to say this is a you issue. Even if the above is unintentional and he doesn’t realise he’s projecting, or if I’m wrong about him knowing what he is doing and this is unconscious, it still demonstrates he doesn’t really know you or what you want as he’s not listening to a word you say. My question to you would be where are you in this relationship? Because it’s clear he comes first and what you say your needs and wants are doesn’t seem to matter to him. You deserve better. Don’t be someone’s option when you can be someone else’s priority.

I’m sorry, but I would leave and start again whilst you are young. He has no interest in marriage and children xx

As I said to him, I'd happily go to the local registry office in a pair of jeans, and to go the pub afterwards. But he doesn't want that apparently.

No man at all sounds like a better option!

2024/2025 ? You are living like tomorrow belongs to you and you will live forever, like you can get married at 100 and have a child at 150. Girl, you could be married in the next six month with someone that you have not yet met. Start to live.

Just park him and move on.
If You want a family don’t hang about and waste fertile years. Just walk.

Oh my goodness, DO NOT DO THIS!!! Do not wait until you're 37 for marriage. Please do not waste anymore of your fertile years on this loser. Just leave.

If you do this, it'll go:
You: If we don't book a registry office for 2024/35 I'm leaving.
Loser: Ok babe, let's book for 31st December 2025.
You: Ok great
September 2025....
You: Ok, so I've booked the registry office and have chosen my dress, eeek, I'm so excited to finally marry you now that I'm 37!
Loser: Er, yeah, I mean, well, I'm just not earning enough to give you the wedding and life that you deserve, so erm, I think we should postpone for another year.
You: Ok, but then will you definitely marry me in December 2026 when I'm 38?
Loser: Sure babe
You: Ok, great, and we can start trying for a baby when I'm nearly 40 straight away?
Loser: Sure babe

I think you know how the story continues...........................................

Because he doesn’t want to marry you.

yes it sucks and hurts but that’s genuinely it. If he wanted to marry you he would, money or no money. There’s men that marry their gf’s in under a year with barely a pot to piss in. Then there is this man future faking dragging you along wasting your years.

What is the point of giving someone an ultimatum and then when they sat no still prevaricating? Here is my prediction. He'll string you along until he meets some other woman he likes more then he'll dump you without a second thought. While you have wasted your time handwringing and giving him hollow ultimatums that he knows are meaningless.

He's an utter dick. Seriously now, LEAVE HIM.

YABU if you stay. You are wasting your time and your life on this guy.

He's waiting for something better to come along.

Pack your bags and move out while he's at work if you struggle to leave when he's at home talking you round.

I know I am weak and a people pleaser. I am trying to build confidence.

I bet your confidence will magically improve if you just left. Or threw him out.

Get your lady balls and kick him out (or leave depending on whose house it is) go on a date with the guy from work. Even if it doesn’t work fuck it it’s fun.

Find a man who genuinely loves and wants you and want to marry you and try for babies with you. Don’t become old and regretful for a man who’s worthless.

Dreadful idea.

HE DOES NOT WANT MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN.

Anything you do you force him will be a disaster for you. You'll resent each other, he can simply leave.

Most likely it won't even come to that, because he'll back out again.

Your only way to the life you want is to find it for yourself.

If it helps, you'll please DOZENS, if not HUNDREDS of people on MN when you post that you've left this loser.

He will take all your fertile years op. This is absolute future faking. Please leave and maybe even start a relationship with the guy at work.

Leave. This is all about what he wants, not what you want. He's not listening to anything you've said. Be like him, make yourself the priority and choose a better, happier life without him.

Im sorry but his actions are spelling it out that he doesnt want to marry you. Its horrible I know.

I would guarantee that when you're free from him, you'll suddenly gain confidence, because you will no longer be worn down by this manipulative time waster. The work guy might be the one who worships you and makes you feel amazing! If not, there are other really great guys out there. Honestly, saps like your fella completely destroy your confidence, but setting yourself free will be life changing.

I rarely weigh in on these relationships threads but....the writing's on the wall here, dear OP. He will string you along with just enough crumbs to keep hope alive whilst your self esteem dies (along with your options and opportunities).

Want the male perspective? My husband asked what I was sighing at on my phone. Precised your situation and he said - it doesn't matter what the reasons are, the guy doesn't want to marry you.

If you have some place to go, pack up your shit tonight, leave tomorrow, you could be on a date with respectful lovely work bloke by the weekend 😁

Excellent article 👍🏼

OP definitely read this

I’m happy with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to get married and he’s fine with that.
If marriage and children are your goal, you’re incompatible.

Ultimatum won't work because he will say what you want to hear then back out again.

Stop wasting time and drop the rope.