Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

He’s with you because it’s easy and he likes you! But he doesn’t love you enough to want to marry or have children with you.
Men are often lazy, they like an easy life and would rather just be with someone they like and string them along to keep things pleasant and easy, than get dramatic and leave. Their biological clock can buy them decades of time not to worry so much- and they’re often not so fussed or keen to have children.

^ This.

I know several 28-30 year olds who are married or who married at that age, I guess it's just him specifically rather than a general 30 year old thing. My friend's fiancé who's 39 recently left her as he didn't want to commit!

Stop wasting your time trying to puzzle out his reasons or whether it's just him or 30 year-olds in general. You're just grasping for reasons to delay leaving. He doesn't want to marry you - that's all you need to know.

@Xoxoxoxoxoxox I think to say that 40% of men never have children sounds wildly off beam! Are you sure that is the right figure?

You're ruining your hopes and dreams for a "could do".

"Could do".

My husband couldn't wait to marry me! I have a £38 engagement ring and we have £25 wedding rings. We eloped and we are so happy! We had a picnic in the park once we were married and we danced to our favourite song while passers by smiled.

Life is for living, go get it! Your hopes and dreams are out there with a man who is just waiting to meet you. They are not here with this "could do" idiot.

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale

You've done the right thing making this decision.

I feel you need to work on yourself a little, because you're so worried about how upset he's going to be. He's not. He'll make some noise about "well maybe we can" thinking it'll con you into another year, but the most important thing here is that he's literally scoffing in your face, throwing you literal crumbs with his "yeah, could do" and you don't even see he gives not one tiny shite about how you feel... while you're tying yourself in knots over his "feelings".

I can't say this any other way, but he's openly taking the piss out of you. And not even being diplomatic about it. Fuck his "upset.". That's the very least he deserves, lying to you all these years and not even trying to sugarcoat it.

Work on understanding how you've allowed this to become normal in your relationship. Don't make the same mistake again. Please x

Ffs

Stop focusing on what ages other people are doing things. This particular 30 year old doesn't want to marry you. It may be because he feels too young. It may be he's not ready to commit. It may be that he isn't interested in marrying YOU. Whatever the reason, he's shown you time and again that he does not want what you want. So stop worrying about what he wants and start making what you want happen.

And if you think leaving him is going to destroy him you're wrong. If the thought of being without you made him feel at all bad, you'd already be married.

Yes, other 30 year olds don't matter at all. It's ok for someone to feel at any age that they don't want commitment, or that they do. The problem is the way he's strung you along, been dishonest.

‘Wow so enthusiastic’ How much clearer does he need to be, ffs. He doesn’t want you, more begging will not change that.
He certainly will not be ‘destroyed’ by getting dumped, but ok. 😄

He'll probably be inconvenienced by your departure , he certainly won't be distroyed.
Why not be terrified of destroying yourself by staying with him ?that would serve you better than worrying about this guy who doesn't give a damn

Run for the hills. This attitude will not change and you do not want to be stuck with it. Trust me. And the millions of other posters who will have said the same.

Hope that you are packing OP, leave before there is nothing left from you, before there is nothing left to fight for. Leave before all your dreams are crushed with maybes. "This is sin". Stealing, destroying and killing someone else's dreams..

How fucking dare he!? “Could do”

What a nasty little person he is.

You absolutely won’t destroy him OP, at the most he will feel mild irritation at the inconvenience of having to replace you. However, replaceable you are, and he’s telling you that loud and clear. If he didn’t think you were easy to replace he would have snapped you up years ago.

It’s you who is facing destruction. Woman up and get out of there!

You KNOW what's going on. You know he's stringing you along.

You're going along with it, lovely.

Hope the move goes well. You’ll feel awful for a bit but then find your feet.

DH married me at 29.

But that's by the by, because this isn't about his age, and it isn't about his finances, it's about the fact that he's a lazy manchild who does not want to get married, does not want to have a baby.

I had one of those too, I left. And now I have DH, and DD.

Stop asking yourself why, stop asking him why because you're going round in circles. I know you're really want to know why. You're looking for closure. But I'm afraid you aren't going to get a much more sophisticated answer than "I can't be arsed". Because you know that's what he really means don't you? It's not nice to hear, but you're driving yourself crazy making excuses for him.

You will waste away your happiness and fertile years on this waste of space. Leave, please just leave.

FWIW if a woman wants to lie to obfuscate their identity online I fully approve.

I think to OP is very sensible to do so, we can treat every post on it's own merits.

(Full disclosure: Green is not really my favourite colour.)

We don't disagree. For OPs to obfuscate their identity, changing details to make themselves untraceable, is one thing. It is indeed sensible.

But this particular OP hasn't done this. As a disclaimer, I have no time for the type of idiotic poster who trawls through people's histories, deliberately trying to catch them out in order to score cheap points with strangers on the www. It was merely the distinctive phrase 'passing the baby from person to person', which caught my eye.

Why tell such obvious and unnecessary untruths? People do have memories, and they are not stupid. Despite some of the negativity that's around on this site, the vast majority of posters do show goodwill, and give their time generously in a genuine attempt to help others. Treating such people as idiots isn't particularly conducive to maintaining what MN evasively refers to as 'the spirit of the site'.

Incidentally, I'm not the first poster pointing out that this thread is a waste of people's time.

Why tell such obvious and unnecessary untruths?

The OP clearly felt it was necessary, so good luck to her.

He's still trying to talk me round but I'm trying to remain firm. I said to him, we will be getting married/ttc in the next couple of years and he said 'maybe'. I explained yet again I can't wait forever. It's very sad but it is what it is.

That isn't 'talking you round', OP. That's point-blank refusing to commit to even the vaguest of plans for your future together.

Why are you still doing this to yourself? How many more times are you going to let him humiliate you?

You do realise OP that even if he agrees to all these things at this point, you still won't be able to trust him?

He doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to have children with you. Ever. Deep down you know that, and nothing he says is going to change that. Even if he married you now, you'll always know he only did it because you gave him no choice.

The only option left to you is to end it, so that you can find someone who wants what you do.

You've been honest with yourself and that's difficult to do at times so we'll done. He won't like you thinking clearly that he doesn't want to marry you, as although he probably knows that (even if not consciously) he knows it'll drive you away. But as you've said it is what it is. Always best to be clear about things, and not to hide behind maybes and excuses.

I do see it now. Despite everything, it's still heartbreaking to come to the end of 4 years, and I hope I'll feel better in time. But I do have my viewing tonight and the deposit ready.

What bothers me about his responses is the fact that they are not a screaming great YES followed by him then moving headlong into a future with you.

You're literally having to ask him over and over to marry you and he just can't say yes. That is surely not the love you have dreamed of?

You can do SO much better - only EVER go with men who adore you - it is plain to see from their behaviour. This lukewarm shite indicates a 'buyer beware' - you can insist on having him if you must, but do you really think you can't do any better??

Go and get that room, get started on a plan to work on yourself for the rest of the winter, then come out fresh in a couple of months time and start dating. Don't waste your time and heart on this guy. It's a good lesson in how to not gloss over the truth - because it comes out in the end and what you knew was true from his responses many moons ago is - he isn't ready for what you want, ergo he is not the man for you.

Fresh start and start again love - you can do it xxx