Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

Doesn't matter why. The point is he doesn't want marriage and children and you do.

If you want my guess he probably thinks having a fun relationship is great. He probably thinks settling down to the graft, commitment and drudgery of children isn't great.

OK, controversial, but he's only 30. He might not want to get married... yet. Or ever. Do you want him more than you want to be married? And what is marriage anyway? Why is it so important? Serious questions. Commitment isn't always marriage it is many things. Also not sure how much I agree with "he would have proposed by now if he loved you". He might legitimately not feel ready. I'm not convinced you'll break up and within months he'll be proposing to someone else by the way. Yes, that sometimes happens but not always... and I'm always a bit sceptical about the man in that scenario anyway! The difficulty is your age difference and kids, from what I can gather. If you've got a good relationship, I think you should talk properly to him.

Look I'm going to see another room tomorrow, I'm packing up the rest as he's out tonight, I am trying

The best response he could come up with was "could do"? Bejesus OP. Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you but hasn't got the balls to say so?

Find. Someone. Better!

I just don't see why 30 is so young for commitment but maybe it is.. it's like do men not marry until middle age now?

I have talked to him properly so many times and suggested booking a wedding for a while in the future when he's 32 or whatever but he won't do it.

And I want children which he won't agree to either, not just marriage.

The problem is your timeline more than his, really. If he was 30, didn't feel ready for marriage yet and you were 25 not 35, it might be fine to give it another couple of years. In your shoes, as you want DC, pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't demonstrably want commitment soon is a waste of time.

It's not young if they meet the person they want to commit to. Sadly, you are not the one. Are you going to wait until he is ready? Maybe when he's 40? Because you will be 45. If he wants children and he's 40, he won't be committing to a 45 year old. He'll be sniffing round 25-35 years olds.

If he was dying to marry you, you'd be married by now.

Just walk away before your life's gone?

He's 30, not 21. And by the sounds of it many of his peer group are engaged or married already so it's not as if he'd be the 'odd one out' and that's what's giving him pause.

It's completely fine to not want to get married. Absolutely no one should be strong-armed into a legal and financial commitment like that! What's not fine is to keep dangling the carrot in front of a partner who you know, categorically, does want to get married and soon.

But actually, he's not even doing that. He can't even pretend to want it, OP. He knows how important this is to you and he simply hasn't got the guts to be honest so you're getting these awful, humiliating, half-arsed responses from him. I mean honestly, who the fuck says 'could do' to a question like that?

I know several 28-30 year olds who are married or who married at that age, I guess it's just him specifically rather than a general 30 year old thing. My friend's fiancé who's 39 recently left her as he didn't want to commit!

Please do not settle for "could do".

Also my husband married me at 27 six years ago.

BIL 1 was 19. They have been married 12 years this year.

BIL 2 was 22. Been married 5 years. Perhaps we are old fashioned but we believe in marriage in our family and myself and my sisters was not going to invest time in men who also didn't want marriage. My husband and two BIl did not mess about and got married because they wanted to commit, despite their apparent young age according to mumsnet.

Yes 30 could been seen as young in some people opinions. It is also a perfect age for lots of people.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Could%20do

You don't see why. But he does. He doesn't want marriage and he doesn't want kids. Plenty of people don't, he's one of them.

What he does want is a relationship without commitment. If you're happy with that stick with it, a lot of people would be.

If not head off, find someone else. If you don't get what you want you've lost nothing because finding a relationship without commitment in ten years time will be a doddle, you'll be able to take your pick of middle aged men coming out of divorces.

This really is a no brainer for you. If you leave you might end up with a family in the next 10 years. If that fails you'll likely be where you are now, in a happy realtionship with a nice bloke, and the fact that bloke probably won't want kids with you won't matter because by then it will be too late for you as well.

His not too young it’s just excuses.

Me and dh are only 32/34 and been married 11 years together 17years, where engaged before the 1 year mark. Which for some would be silly fast and young, everyone in his friend group of 34/35 year olds are minimum engaged most are married with babies/children in reception.

edit because I forgot I’d had another birthday 😅😂

There is no right or wrong time to get married, for some 19 is OK for others 40 isn't. Some people (like my partner and I, for example) are just not prepared to get married full stop. We are both in our 40th, have no issues with commitment but marriage is not for us. In your situation, unfortunately, you have two people with different views. But that isn't even the issue. You are so focused on marriage, you forgot to look at his general attitude to life. And that seems "plod along with minimal effort until life gives you a kick up the arse". That's not a good trait for a life partner and that is why you should leave, not because he refuses to marry you.
Guessing what he might be thinking is completely futile. Unless the person is a psychopath, they are not going to sit there thinking "ok, I don't want to commit to this person, but they will do for now". That's not really how people's brains work. Most people stuck in dysfunctional relationships just get up in the morning, brush their teeth, go to work, come back, eat and sleep all the while feeling miserable until the day comes when sharing space with another person becomes unbearable. Or until the day when they fall in love with someone else. And until this day comes, they just go through the motions of life because change is scary. There is rarely an underlying thinking process beyond "if I leave, will I ever be able to find someone again" or "what do I tell my family".
I was in a similar situation as you. We didn't argue about the marriage but there were just things we couldn't get on the same page about. We went through the motions making each other absolutely miserable and, at the end, I left. I met my current partner within a year and honestly, I look back with horror at the person I was with my ex. He wasn't a bad man but the bad relationship turned me into a person I never want to be again.

I've just read your thread from beginning to end and...

AAAARGHHH!!!

You are not his therapist, and you too deserve to have a say in where the relationship is going. Stay strong OP, and leave this feckless, pointless, indecisive wimpy commitment-phobe.

This leaves you at 37 just getting married, if he'll even agree to this. Your fertility has really dropped at 37, and you'll probably struggle to conceive.

Don't give him another two, pathetically hopeful, years of your fertility.

What a revolting way to talk about children with a increased chance (not certainty) of additional needs 😠

'could do'

What a joke. He is literally just stringing you on giving you juuuuussssst enough to keep you there every time you look like you might finally doing what's best for you (leaving this sorry relationship).

Get yourself out of there. You deserve so much better. Get counselling if you can if you don't see that.

Have some self compassion OP
It is you who is being destroyed in this relationship.

DP will have to make an effort to replace you so it's easier for him if you stay since it's very easy for him to ignore your needs and manipulate you.

He won't be destroyed if you leave him.
Inconvenienced yes, annoyed, yes. Destroyed? That would only be if you really mattered to him and his actions show that you don't matter all that much. I'm sure this is a difficult realisation. Take care of yourself OP because your DP is not going to. The person responsible for your future happiness is you. It sounds like you don't have the confidence to leave and are scared of change. If that is the case then personal counselling could be really helpful.

I said, for my own sanity I want to know 100%. If a well paying job landed into your lap tomorrow, would you then be 100% ready to make that commitment?
He didn't reply at first then eventually wrote 'could do' again....

Why are you so keen to marry someone who clearly doesn't want to marry you @Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale?

@Excited101 has hit the nail on the head. Your boyfriend stays with you because he is lazy and it requires no effort. Read below and take it in.

He’s with you because it’s easy and he likes you! But he doesn’t love you enough to want to marry or have children with you.
Men are often lazy, they like an easy life and would rather just be with someone they like and string them along to keep things pleasant and easy, than get dramatic and leave. Their biological clock can buy them decades of time not to worry so much- and they’re often not so fussed or keen to have children.

To me it’s far more worrying that he doesn’t want children’yet’ as you are 35.
Women haven’t the same timeframe as men and it is cruel to string you along like this.
Actually many men 40% - never have children because they assume they will walk into a relationship with a woman who wants kids when they are ready but often that woman does not materialise.