Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

OP, he doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't have the balls to say it, that's all. Look at his responses. You're desperately trying to give him any opportunity to say something - anything - for you to latch onto, to justify staying. He doesn't care.

You're 35. You should be running, not walking, out of that door. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. He's not going to marry you.

You will not destroy this man. I don't wish to diminish you in any way but people like this are tougher and more resilient regarding their own interests than you can imagine. He wants company, not marriage. If the sexes were swapped l, would you be messing a woman around at this age? I'd wager not. So imagine the brass neck involved in him putting his interests first and remember this when putting YOUR interests first.

He's had so much opportunity to leave. I doubt it'd be that hard for him to find another woman, probably younger, so I don't know why he doesn't want to let me go if all he wants is company?

Because him leaving would require his effort. He has it easy so he just keeps stringing you along. Stop trying to figure him out. He's lazy and selfish, that's it.

You keep asking yourself why. Tying yourself in knots. The truth is, the "why" doesn't matter.

He's lazy. You said it yourself. He can't be bothered to put himself back out there, that's all. Yet again, he's showing that he doesn't have the balls to take control of his life.

He's taking the path of least resistance. Don't waste your life on someone with such little regard for you.

Sorry OP, but I have to agree with yesterday's poster that this thread is a waste of everyone's time. You have over 300 responses telling you objectively what is going on and you are still fishing for answers when the situation is completely obvious for everyone else.
You are not taking on board what people are saying to you, you seemingly went back on your "I am leaving tomorrow" statement and you are now actually contradicting yourself by first saying you are scared you will destroy him by leaving and 5 minutes later saying he has plenty of opportunities to date someone else.
What do you actually want us to say?

Because he might find it harder to string another woman along. he knows he can control you and has his boundaries in place.

you deserve so so much more.

That would involve effort.

Why would he bother going to the effort.of dumping you and finding someone else if you're going to keep hanging around giving him every thing he wants?

He's happy, why would he end it. You're the one who's unhappy with your relationship, so you need to end it.

I thought you were definitely leaving him today @Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale?

I'll say it again.

If you stay with this man you will lose your opportunity to have children.

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale

What, exactly, is it that's keeping you there?

Do you or he have somewhere else to live?

Please do not put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket, especially a person who rides roughshod over YOUR hopes and dreams

Have courage 💐

Come on, you'd really leave your partner of years within a day on the say so of a bunch of internet randoms?

Let the poor woman have a bit of time to process it, for god's sake.

Why are you second guessing this so much? Either he is making you unhappy so you leave, or you stay for a few more years and listen to him putting you off over and over again in the hope that he'll eventually marry you. He has put in minimal effort to keep you because that's all he needs to do and you'll run around after him applying for courses for him! He's not desperate to keep you and you won't destroy him. If he wanted to keep you he would marry you. What is your deadline? (Real deadline, not deadline that he doesn't meet and then you set him a new deadline) How much longer are you going to put up with this? Because everyone else who's given you advice here will get on with our own lives. You are the only one who is going to have to decide how much you are willing to put up with.

Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he likes your company rather than just anyone's off the street. What I don't think he wants though is to take it up a notch with you and he isn't in any mad rush to do that with anyone (not that unusual at 30).

What is unusual/ not honourable/ decent is telling you whatever you want to hear He's happy enough for now and telling a few porkies to maintain that.

You can ask 'why?' But nobody here can say why some folk follow the path of least resistance and some put others' needs first. Easier for this purpose to accept he is doing the former and take the action you deem most likely to lead to what you want from life.

Oh come on, it happens all the time that people languish along in relationships they are not that keen on/ committed to. It can be apathy, laziness, fear of the unknown/ being alone, habit, comfort etc etc. often people will remain in these relationships for years until they find someone else they are keen on (while still in the relationship), or eventually they just get so bored/ unhappy that they finally find the motivation to leave.

He's lazy. You said it yourself regarding work/courses. He just can't be bothered.

He just doesn’t want to marry YOU.

move on

Your flogging a dead horse and no you don’t need to run out the door today leaving him right this second but you’ve got to get it into your head that your not his forever. You’re not his future wife. Your not the future mother to his children.

You are his comfy right now nice enough gf. That’s all.

Stop killing yourself with but but maybe maybe but one day. Why doesn’t he, why doesn’t he just leave. That’s torturing yourself for his benefit your his miss right now not Mrs forever that’s all.

No but I would leave them if I have been in the situation OP has been for years, already threatened to leave multiple times (so, presumably thought about it) and finally decided to consult internet community who unilaterally told me that I was not going crazy and my partner was objectively not going to move in the same direction as me.
We are not talking about OP waking up yesterday and hearing for the first time that he won't marry her unless.. We are talking about a situation that has been going on for years.
Regardless of that, the OP did not show in any of her responses that she engaged with any of the advice provided. So I think it is a legitimate question to ask what she expect us to say.

Seriously, leave. He doesn't want to marry you and is wasting your time.

Are you a great fan of Kipling then, OP?

That's his look out though. He's the one stalling. And men don't seem to take this into account. Facts don't matter.

OP, why don't you think you are worth a man who would move heaven and earth to marry you?

Why are you settling for a man who, actually, can't even do a decent job of pretending he wants what you want?

The bottom line, as has been said over and over again on this thread, is that if he wanted to marry you there is nothing that would stop him. There would be no excuses, no 'could do', no 'when X happens', and no need for ultimatums from you. None of that soul-destroying nonsense. You'd just be doing it together (or rather, you'd have done it by now).

Please don't waste any more time on this man. You're on a hiding to nothing, except more heartache.

Your mistake is believing his words and not his actions. Do his ACTIONS look like a man who wants to marry you ? No. Words are cheap, ignore what he says look at what he does. And leave him immediately -oif you want marriage and children, it will not be with this loser .

I believe in you! You can do it! Just leave (as soon as you can) and when you look back on this time in your life, you'll be sooo relieved you did! ❤