Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

We got engaged at 27 and 28. We'd only been together for 3 years. Got married 2 years later, that was 10 years and two children ago. He was working, I was studying, we were not rich, he told me he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

I wish you well. This can't be easy for you.

Same.

I can see how deeply you've sunk into this relationship, trying to get back from him what you've put into it yourself. I think anyone reading your posts can see you're not really able to think clearly, which happens when you are very deeply invested.

Really do hope you can get out, or better, get him out. It'll take a while and then you'll look back and be so glad you did end it.

you'll look back and be so glad you did end it."

For sure. What he's offering will still be available in ten years. Children won't.

Unmarried 45yo women with no kids are in demand, if the OP finds she never got DCs in 7-10 years time. she'll likely still find a partner so cutting this guy loose in the hope of having kids is a safe bet.

Why are you putting your future in his hands and letting him decide whether it’s on or off? Step back and start making your own decisions about what you want!

Even if everything he says is true and he’s ‘struggling’ with things, do you really want to be with someone who is flaky and indecisive, weak with low self esteem, always comparing himself to someone else, lazy… he hardly sounds like a catch!

I think you need to stop wasting your time on someone who is messing you around so much (even if unintentional)

Look, even if you DO take him at his word and believe it's just money worries that are stopping him (and I don't really believe that, but let's follow the thought through)...

unless he has a very clear and guaranteed plan to start earning more money in the next few mnths (which I can't imagine he does - if he does please could he share this foolproof plan for riches!), he is effectively saying he will never be ready to marry you in any kind of timeframe that is reasonable to you.

So he's really saying never. So you have your true answer. Now it's up to you to use your agency, take him at the true meaning of his words, and leave him. Which I see is your plan. I hope the above gives you confidence in this decision and helps you follow through - I know this must be so hard. Wishing you well.

He is wasting your time and feeding you a load of nonsense. The party’s over sorry OP

He is going to drag you down and mess with your head while he does it. You earning more than him translates as having more power in the relationship. So if he could "give you more" he would have the power. If you have a baby, he would want you to stay home and raise it because baby shouldn't get " passed around" etc. If he really wanted to marry you he would have been begging you to marry him. But I think he wants you to be something lesser than him with the same attitude you have and that would make him feel comfortable. And of course you leaving him puts him in jeopardy so he gets upset when you try to leave, but then messes you about again. A lot of men don't like to be chased for marriage, it's puts them off so the comments about being desperate may stem from this. You are right, you deserve to be married and have children, but it doesn't sound like he wants the current dynamic. Even if he agrees to marrying you, it doesn't sound like a good idea. He would mess with your emotions and you are yet to enter more vulnerable stages in your life (like having a baby), I'm not sure this man is safe to be vulnerable with. He isn't valuing your emotions. He is being unfair

OP the definition of madeness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result.

Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.

So don't let this be the 7th or you'll be back here in a couple of months facing the 8th. Make up your mind that you are leaving whatever he says.

It doesn't matter WHY he does it

It only matters that he DOES do it

Leave him.
Block him
Live your life

If you stay you’ll never get married. He doesn’t want to marry you op. Don’t fall for his tricks as he’ll say what he has to loop you in. If you fall for it, you’ll never get the commitment you want

Why he does it is because that's all it takes to cast doubt in your mind and make you stay. He is stringing you along and you don't see it. That's not a criticism as soooo many of us have been in that situation and it's so bormal to be in love and hopeful. But he isn't going to marry you.

If he said to you "I will bever marry you, you aren't my forever" it would be hard, but you'd leave. So he doesn't say that, he says "maybe" and "yes let's set a date"/later backtracking because that's all it takes for you to stay with him.

I REALLY wanted to move house because I was utterly miserable where I was. My exdf kept saying we would need "ten thousand pounds minimum" and kept all finances quiet. I worked my arse off, ran 2 businesses and looked after 2 young children to meet his demand.

I did this for years and ran myself into the ground.

Eventually I left him and moved on my own, no problem. Been here 12 years now.

The moral of the story is, it was never about money, he just didn't want to do it and made money the excuse.

Of course it’s scary op- I get it! Anyone who would ‘just leave’ is talking bollocks.

but.

He’s with you because it’s easy and he likes you! But he doesn’t love you enough to want to marry or have children with you. He may think he does- but he doesn’t. There’s a high chance if you stay, he’ll be with someone else and married within a year; it happens a scary amount. Men are often lazy, they like an easy life and would rather just be with someone they like and string them along to keep things pleasant and easy, than get dramatic and leave. Their biological clock can buy them decades of time not to worry so much- and they’re often not so fussed or keen to have children.

if you want more, then you need to be the one to put their foot down and say ‘enough!’ You need to be playing the long game and thinking of your future. Don’t issue an ultimatum, a shit marriage is worse than no marriage.

He is using you OP.
He could tell you the truth that he will never marry you and does not want children with you but he chooses not to because that suits him and he's fine if that means you never get to have kids and are being dangled on a thread of false promises.
What kind of a person does that to another person?

If he loved you he would want you to be happy and would tell you the truth.

I am shaking with fear, I know I'm weak, I am terrified and scared I'll destroy him.

You are destroying yourself instead 😭

He'll get over it.
I bet he is not lying there awake at night thinking he might destroy you with the choices he is making.
You made up your mind, time to put your big girl pants on and act on it.

I just said to him, once you've got this job and been in probation etc. Would you consider us moving forward? He put 'could do'. Wow so enthusiastic :/

You won’t destroy him OP. If he wants this relationship, he can fix it all by committing. He’s making his choices, you need to be strong and make yours. Sending strength 💪🏻

It's like I'd asked him if he wanted a curry. Honestly I I can see now. If he were dying to marry me he'd be applying left right and center for work and saying, yes I can't wait to marry you once I gain a promotion etc

He doesn’t need a particular type of work or a promotion. If he wanted to marry you, he would marry you, as simple as that xx

As you clearly know, marriage is about love. You can easily marry on a shoestring budget and live a life together without much money - it’s all absolutely secondary to the reason for marriage itself, which is to show lifelong commitment to someone you love, with the legal aspects meshing you together more tightly than if you just co-habit.

He’s not sure he wants to marry you. You both know this and it’s obviously upsetting to realise it. He’s clutching at an excuse about finances that you know makes no sense at all because you aren’t making a purchase. He’s not reassured when you tell him that his money is irrelevant, and that’s because money isn’t the thing he really needs reassurance about - it’s whether marriage is the right step.

When you pull away, he panics as he’s then faced with the reality of needing to make a decision and he doesn’t want to make the wrong one. Unfortunately, if he’s 30 and you’ve been together several years and he’s still not feeling in his gut that you’re the one then you don’t want to risk 1) waiting around for him only to end up unmarried several years from now; 2) marrying under pressure and him regretting it; 3) knowing he married you without being totally sure.

On your wedding day, you have to look at your spouse safe in the knowledge that they chose you. Not that they ‘caved in’.

You get one life and it takes courage to walk away from a relationship that isn’t the right one but it’s only by doing that that you’ll be free to meet the person who really doesn’t need persuading to marry you.

I said, for my own sanity I want to know 100%. If a well paying job landed into your lap tomorrow, would you then be 100% ready to make that commitment?
He didn't reply at first then eventually wrote 'could do' again....

Trust me. You won't destroy him. He clearly doesn't even care enough about you for that. He's not scared about destroying you in the slightest.