Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

Good for you! be strong! Was my last post which I still stand with.

My aunt spent 25 years with a man who didn’t want to get married or have kids. She finally called it quits and left him when she was 55.

And guess what?!?!?

A year after they broke up he was married with a baby on the way.

And she has wasted all her fertile years.

She now says this is her biggest regret and she wishes more than anything she has seen sense in her 30s and left him so she could get married and have kids of her own.

This man will sack you off when something better comes a long and be married with a baby on the way within a year of leaving you.

He is staying with you out of convenience.

Yes as PP says, tomorrow will be when his biggest performance comes.

Be prepared for "you just couldn't wait, could you, I was going to propose"..."why can't you see I only want the best for you by waiting"..."you had to go and spoil it didn't you"..."let's get some wedding magazines"

Oh, he'll step his "game" up.

Don't for god's sake, think it's ever anything more than a game to him. It's lies.

Every day you let this loser con you, is a day you might have been out there meeting your true future husband.

Think of it like this - you want kids
So every month you stay with MR OK For NOW your just kicking the clock down the hill on your fertility
Your 35 not 25
If you waste several more years with him the chances of having a baby are slim to 0
don’t believe all the crap that xxxx had a baby at 45 or 50 years old
yeah they might have done - but most likely it’s cost them ££££££££ and lot of fertility treatment as well
There are women that have babies naturally in their 40s but do you want to risk that .

He knows this - he’s giving you enough hope to hang in there and stay
and why not
if you leave him where would he be if he doesn’t earn a great wage he’s not going to be renting a nice house or flat like you both have now

bedsit land
shared house
back in his teenage bedroom with Kylie posters on the wall 😩

Nah he would rather future fake you with a wedding and a promise of babies because that keeps his side of the bed warm

Threats and persuasion are not a good basis for any kind of relationship.

Oh, although we don't care what he does next, he sounds exactly like the guy to marry the next woman he meets within 6 months and baby on the way soon after that in the same year. Read so many such threads on here with this theme.

He doesn't love you OP but he loves the lifestyle you are currently providing him with and doesn't want you to leave until he finds the better replacement he is holding out for.

You want to get married and are happy with a cheap wedding. He doesn't care about what you want so he's not going to marry you and thinks it will fool you to say the reason why is that you deserve an expensive wedding and that he is not rich enough for you. He's not improving his earnings though, I wonder why not?

He's never going to marry you let alone have kids with you OP. Everyone who has posted on this thread knows that.

An ultimatum is pointless and just a further waste of your time.

The choice is yours. Leave now, find someone who is happy to commit and wants children, or wait until your fertility is gone, wasting time messing around with ultimatums and false promises.

When you break up he will likely get another GF very quickly, marry her and have a baby, also very quickly.

Have self respect and self love OP. Do not accept a partner who is lazy, disrespectful and deceitful. Why would you want to live with someone like that let alone have DC with them? This is your only life. Make good decisions.

I totally feel your anguish

Me too, but the OP has nothing to lose. Blokes who don't want kids are not a rarity. She can spend 5 or 6 years finding someone to start a family with. If that doesn't work out finding a realtionship as a single woman with no kids at (say) 45 is going to be relatively easy.

So worst case is she ends up where she is now, with a bloke but no kids. Best case is she finds someone and has kids. She has little to lose and everything to gain.

Well done for making this difficult decision op. You deserve so much more. The pp who said listen to actions not words is spot on. He is telling you who he is. You don’t want a hesitant and reluctant manchild. You deserve someone who is mature, enthusiastic and committed. And so do your future dc.

Good luck

You're his yo yo. Cut the string and leave.

Block his number before you go then, so you don't have to listen to his pathetic excuses.

Sorry wrong thread, I've asked for it to be removed.

His reaction isn't something you can control. Or to put it another way, his reaction is his business. Your business is your actions and your happiness. Onwards and upwards!

I’m sorry, he doesn’t want to marry you. That whole thing when you tried to leave - he’s making you the one to break things up. I’ve been through breakups like this!

The only thing that’s trapping you is your own head!!
you have the means to leave, so do it if that’s what you want!

I wouldn't marry him anyway even if he now wants to. You earn more than him so no need from that point of view. And once married he'll probably make excuses about having children and you'll be even more stuck.

Seriously, get rid and date someone who wants the same as you.

He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he would.
All of this is just a load of excuses and future-faking.
It suits him to be with you right now and he doesn't want you to leave because you're ok for now but he does not want to commit to you.
If someone he likes more than he likes you comes along, he'll be off.
He's keeping his options open.

I think you should sack him off. He's had plenty of opportunities and has wriggled his way out of making a commitment each time.

A lot of these men waste your time before having a child with someone younger years later, as PP have said. However, it isn't all roses for them then as what many people don't know is if men have children later on, just as when women have them later on, they are much more likely to have children with various conditions, and the children are often hard work due to it. Most people are better off financially as time goes on, but in reality everyone's best time to have children is earlier on. Another thing people often forget is looking ahead is worse for men, as they are prone to more disease in ageing and also on average die earlier. So all things considered, men should actually be having children earlier than women.

Blimey, so there's even a better option just ready to be picked? You'd be daft to stay.

Next!

Read up on the ‘sunk costs fallacy’

We got engaged when we were 30. We didn't have much. My engagement ring was simple and not overly expensive as is the nicest I've ever seen, actually. My wedding ring was plain and cheap. My wedding dress was from the High Street and cost less than 100 quid and I accessories it so nicely that nobody could believe the cost. Our wedding was small, beautiful, fun, intimate and everyone said how fantastic it was. We didn't have much but we had a fantastic day and my husband really just wanted me to be his wife and for us to have a fun day.

I'm saying this because in my husband's eyes, what i deserved (as you put it) was for him to commit to me. Put a ring on it, so to speak.

I may have some old fashioned views, and I'm sure that there are many mumsnetters who disagree with me for many, many reasons but here's my two cents. I wouldn't want to be with a man who wouldn't marry me.

You know that he is giving you excuses. He is not giving you what you deserve....does he really think you deserve to be strung along and bandied from emotional pillar to post?

You deserve so much more! If you doubt yourself and wonder whether maybe he really is just a bit emasculated, or worried about money or stability, ask yourself this: what sort of person continually moves the goalposts about something that they know is important to someone they love? Who knowingly messes around with someone they love, knowing the damage it causes?

He isn't a good guy. He is a user. You deserve better. Dump him.

You will look back on your time with him and wonder why you didn't leave sooner.

This guy isn't the one for you. Back he goes.

Is it possible to leave without him there if he is able to manipulate you into staying? Leave a letter. I understand normally these things should be done face to face but it sounds like you both have been going round in this cycle for a while. This won't be new news to him. If your not there and already left when he realises it is finally over it might help it be a final clean break.

Where will you go tomorrow?