Constantly changing his mind about marriage and I'm so miserable

[Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale]

I feel pathetic and weak. We've been together for several years, I earn £32k, his earnings vary, but he's on a full-time wage. He feels insecure about not having a 'career' which I understand, and I'm constantly trying to help him.
Anyway, he's changed his mind about committing to me around 6 times.
He told me he doesn't think he can provide a nice life for me. I told him I'm not interested in how much he makes, as long as he contributes that's more than enough, I am making my own money.
He told me he wants to give me a big wedding. I told him I'd get married in a pair of jeans and a t shirt tbh, and a nice meal afterwards, I want to marry for love and commitment, I have no interest in a big wedding or an expensive ring.
I could tell him all this until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't make any difference.
I've packed my bags to leave but then he started saying he 100% wants to marry me. So I believed him. Then after this, he asked if he could have more time to 'think it over'.
He's done this several times now, said he wants it then changed his mind.
I'm 35 and have been very, very clear that I will not be waiting forever. He's younger at 30, but he's hardly some 19 year old.
He says our child would be in poverty if we had one..
Then he says stuff like friends x and y are engaged because they've got more money.
I didn't think commitment was only reserved to the very well off.
I'm miserable and feel trapped. Then he said something about me not being transparent about finances, it's not true but if that's what he thinks fair enough. He has more in savings than me, I've told him what I have.
When I tried to leave last time he was saying 'well it's clear you've made up your mind then' and the latest is that he 'doesnt like to plan ahead and can't imagine too far into the future '. What on earth do I believe.

Ignore that person. Some people just like sticking the knife in as they enjoy causing drama. You're not desperate. You just value yourself and have standards. You are not in any way coming across as desperate.

To that poster, can you highlight the specific words or phrases which portray me as desperate?

YABU for wasting so much time with this man, especially when you want DC.

Sadly, I think this situation is really common most commitment phobes trot out the same excuses. It’s like a script.

One of my male colleagues used to joke about his girlfriend pushing for an engagement and say “I’ve told her every time she asks, I add 3 months to the timeline I have in my head”. A timeline he refused to disclose, and a comment designed to shut her up for fear of “ruining” her chances. That was 8 years ago and they still aren’t married. Arsehole.

Why are you dating this man then? Someone clearly treating you like crap?

Putting up with this 5/6 times seems desperate, for a start!

A person who values themselves and has standards would have only packed that bags once, and at most twice. Op is still here not knowing what to do when there is only one thing for her to do. which is as clear as daylight.

No, she will be back on MN with another thread in 6/12 moths.

He doesn’t want to marry you - if he did want to get married he would just do it. It’s not complicated

You are 35. He doesn’t want to get married he just wants to tell you he does. He doesn’t want to try for children and you will never have them if you stay. He doesn’t want a better job or to work hard for a leg up, he just wants to whine. You can be miserable and childless at 40 or you can leave him now. You can’t fix him. You can’t believe him.

LEAVE. HIM

Ugh, just move on already. You don't want the same things and he's giving lip service to commitment. Even if that didn't bother you, surely all the vascillating and the inability to see a decision through would kill any attraction he held for you.

I am leaving tomorrow night (too late tonight).
I can guarantee the reaction.

Exactly my point! And she is still putting up with it as she types.

I didn't know I had to list all things screaming desperation in Op's postS for some pp not to attack me for stating the obvious.

Putting up with it how many times does not scream valuing yourself and standards- quite the opposite if you asked me! Also maybe why teh BF is stalling as he knows he is in this long dance as OP keeps putting up with it- some men would prolong the status aquo as it suits them.

Who gives a fuck what his reaction will be? All he's going to do is spew out more empty promises, and then surprise, surprise, he will go on to backtrack once again as soon as he has you back under his thumb.

Yes but if you would just date someone other than this future faker then that would be something!

An invaluable lesson in life is 'Don't listen to what people say - watch what they actually do'. It's very, very telling.

If your partner genuinely wanted to marry you he'd have done it by now. I promise you.

Good for you! Be strong!

Yes, I bet. All the promises, I’ll change, let’s look at dates and venues. Oh I had a ring picked out already actually I swear I was just waiting for the right time.

Knowing what he will say gives you power to prepare. You know it’s a script. You know it’s knee jerk to keep you quiet and keep you treading water. Stay strong.

You are a good person and you deserve someone lovely who will treat you with respect and want all the things you do.

Great plan op! What do you need to do tonight and tomorrow to be ready? Possibly best to load your car and move everything, then let him know. He’s been stringing you a long and you can choose not to tolerate this

@Thefemaleofthespeciesismoredeadlythanthemale OFC you're scared, this decision is huge.

I'm just wondering though, are you, somehow, feeling guilty about what you want?

His reasoning for not marrying and having children are totally plausible (to you, in your head)

BUT...

How strong is your desire to be married with children?

Would you actually be prepared to sacrifice the future you'd imagined for yourself for this particular man who does not have the same vision?

I totally feel your anguish 💐

This seems to me to be a classic lovely woman (usually) who likes to feel needed and validated by someone (often) a male who needs fixing.
You can’t fix him, he doesn’t want to be fixed. He wants you to be there and be his service human until something better turns up. He can’t tell you that of course and you haven’t figured it out yet.
When you leave tomorrow , don’t then entertain listening to why you should come back and serve him some more .Turn him off by blocking him on all fronts. If you need support go to a friend’s house or family.
Then do some reading on co dependency so you don’t attract another needy man.

Well done OP. OP, do not be sad if he does not react. There is a good chance that all of a sudden his real ugly face pops up. Do not cry in front of him if he tells you he had someone on the side all along.

Waste of space. Trying to make it all about himself. Get rid. You can do so much better x

Makes me laugh that men think that because they can have children after 40 they should. Not only are they less fertile, they're much more likely to have children with health problems. A fair number of them also have ED by abour 45 which is why viagara is now sold OTC. They need to get real and realise their best time for starting a family is earlier just like women.

Unlike you, I don't waste my time on things that wont change. So, I wouldn't bother to repost all your posts- I have read them all- which all sound desperate as I already said. Why do you like 'same' things repeated to you many times? Starting paying attention would be a good start which will help you weed out these useless men asap.

In any event, some brave posters after me have listed 2 of them- so maybe you will find that helpful.