To think my friend is using the single parent reason for things that affect all of us?

[Jeuggy]

I don’t know if I am being sensitive but I supported my friend through a horrific break up when her baby was only a few months old. It was awful for her and I was there for her every step of the way. She has emerged from it with her ex partner paying her mortgage (over 1k a month, they weren’t married) and landed a job paying over 50k for 3.5 days a week. When I helped her with relocating we worked out she had around 1,500 spare for food and fun stuff. I was obviously pleased for her as she has been through hell and this makes life easier.

Anyway, here’s the bit I’m struggling with. It’s a year on and her ex sees his child once a month. My friend understandably says looking after dc is a lot etc and she doesn’t have much help apart from when she’s in nursery and she’s working which I know isn’t actually a break. But… I’m about to have ivf alone as I am still single at 37. I know this probably plays into why I am so sensitive but every time we talk she says what a stretch it is to put her daughter into nursery an extra day here and there to mean she has spare time. She will say how alone she feels even though her daughter’s dad does buy things (I know it’s not the same as being an active parent day to day), but he’s also paying her mortgage!! It’s making me feel really scared about doing it alone when I will have no support in any way shape or form from anyone and with the cost of living crisis it’s stressful talking to her when I’m thinking well you have 1,500 SPARE a month!! I know it probably sounds like I am jealous and I really really do understand the stress of being a single parent but I am finding it so hard to be in her life while going through this process. I have spoken to her about it and she said I didn’t understand the stress of single parenthood and ‘all single parents struggle.’ Apparently because I am choosing this alone I don’t warrant the same understanding. I don’t want to lose her friendship but I feel so upset and conflicted about it all and it’s really driven a wedge between us at a time I need support myself. Am I being harsh to her? Am I mad for doing this alone?

I don’t think you’re mad but you are going in knowing you’ll be alone. Maybe the difference is that she didn’t think she would be. But it’s not a competition. Perhaps she’s trying to make sure you know the realities.

She's giving realistic picture of the fact that having children is really, really hard.

It's really hard emotionally, physically qnd financially.

It's really hard with two committed parents in a stable relationship.

It's hard if you have pots of cash.

It's hard.

And lots of people don't go into it understanding that.

You can make any life choices you wish and doing so on the most realistic understanding of what it may actually be like is important.

@Daisies12 my situation will be so different though. I earn 35k a year and so will have nowhere near the sort of income she has and it has really scared me.

I think she’s trying to be honest about the realities. There are two of us but we have no family help and we are knackered a lot of the time.

It is not easy being a single parent at all, to you it may be worth it but it is very very difficult. I can chuck DD at DH if I’ve had enough for the day but single parents simply don’t have that option. Every night wake up, every tantrum, every “no, I don’t want a banana, I want pasta” every falling out with friends, every bit of organising, making decisions falls on one person alone.

It may still feel worth it to have a child but it is no doubt not an easy thing to do.

@Dishwashersaurous i know that but I supported her non stop and I feel now she is not supporting me but making out she is struggling with even an extra day of nursery when she has the funds for it…all I take from that is it would be impossible for me

I really really do understand the stress of being a single parent

You really don't.

It's not just about money.* *

@Saggypants i do as I have seen my friend in that situation. But there is no doubt the finances have made it easier for her by a long way and I feel she is rubbing that in my face a bit.

This thread sounds familiar, have you posted about it before?

Anyway I think it's weird that you're sharing so much about your financial particulars with each other, it's clearly causing resentment. There's a reason most people don't talk about money.

Kindly, You are being unreasonable. The loneliness of parenting alone and lack of childfree time when not working is so hard.

im sorry for your situation, it must be hard having to undergo IVF alone but this isn’t your friends fault. You sound like a very good friend, hopefully she can return the favour for you and support you if and when you need it.

Hugs

@TheBeesKnee ive never shared my finances with her, I only know hers because she was in such an awful situation and I helped her through it

She didn't choose to be a single parent and she is struggling, she probably feels the need to warn you about the realities of it.
Money is only one small area where single parents struggle. People are very good at spending up to their salary, and can struggle financially on any income. My well off friends will buy expensive brands as they're used to it, and would find paying for an extra day of nursery a stretch.

This isn't about her.

This is about you and your choices.

Having a child is very hard.

Choosing to do it alone , with no family support on an average wage is going to be really hard.

What do you want her to do? Pretend that it's not hard.

Or give the most accurate view of her life.

Only you can choose what you do in life.

Agree. Parenting is soul crushing in a way that doesn't boil down to just money (and 1500 is not even that much tbh). I know plenty of couples who have endless funds for nursery, nannies, cleaners, toys, entertainment and it's still extremely difficult. Being a single parent even more so. Small kids get sick, you get sick, work needs to be down, you never get any downtime let alone a night off and only get a few hours of broken sleep every single night. All of that you can't buy or fix with cash. Contrary to what many think, extra nursery time, a nanny or au pair doesn't mean you swan around in leisure time. Most people earning enough to afford that will need to spend every free minute working or commuting, so it works out to nothing in the end.

Money doesn't insulate you from loneliness either. There's nothing more lonely than being left alone with a small child and having to put on a cheery face even though you get screamed and cried at all day. You have virtually no adult conversation for days and no time to build up meaningful friendships or relationships.

I think you're conflating quite a few issues here. Having financial security does not mean that being a single parent becomes much much easier- yes of course it's great not to have money worries but until you are a single parent yourself you just can't understand how tough, exhausting and never ending it is. It also doesn't sound like she's being unsupportive of you, rather letting you know that it is really hard (which is true!).

It's not going to be an easy ride for you, especially on uour salary with childcare and so on. She's painting a real picture. It's NOT all about the finances.

Your friend is unreasonable for being unsupportive of you in your time of sensitivity and need and yes she gets plenty of money to ease the burden financially.

being a single parent is hard and you sound like you know what it’s about while looking to become a parent yourself.

I think take a step back from your friend while you go through this difficult time.

Everything you wrote in your OP suggests you don't 'get it' at ALL and you're still fixated on the money. You sound jealous TBH.

You realise the generosity from her ex could stop at any time? Imagine the stress of wondering if such a major income source could be ripped away at any moment. She's probably madly saving for that possibility. She might also be putting up with all sorts of crap from her ex that she wouldn't otherwise, for fear of being cut off.

I think I'm wasting my breath explaining things to you though, you're determined to see it through your own narrow lens.

Agree with PP. It’s not a competition.

I'm sorry but witnessing it isn't the same as doing it.

No I don’t think being a single parent is the same as not being a single parent. Is that what you are asking?

even with an unhelpful, or even often absent other parent, there is a shared mental burden (not always equally shared but even so it makes a difference).

If you are choosing to be a single parent and you have less money than your friend then I think yes you may find it hard because you can’t buy yourself convenience or ease in the same way. But your character makes the greatest difference to how you can manage in difficult circumstances.

I have very very wealthy friends who find being a parent much harder than me and find their lives psychologically intolerable for reasons different to what wealth can do for you. I seem to manage better than them in much more straitened circumstances.

I find it really hard and I have money and a hands on DH. Kids are hard full stop. Doing it alone harder, doing it alone with not much money harder still. This is just the truth.

I think your friend is trying to warn you, I know you feel unsupported but we should tell our friends the truth and thats what she’s doing. it would be no good if she told you it’s great and it’s a breeze if it’s not the truth, you would later wonder why she didn’t tell you.

She might be unaware that your financial
situation is not the same as hers, especially given you only know hers for a specific reason. Everyone’s perspective is limited in some way. Are you self-funding the IVF as that also may be skewing her view?

I agree that it’s reasonable she is sharing her struggles as you do need to be prepared that it will be tough.

If you are close then I would just say to her - why don’t you cut back elsewhere and put your child in nursery an extra day? If she comes up with reasons why she can’t/doesn’t want to then maybe she will bring it up less. You can also say to her that whilst you value her honesty, you have made the decision to pursue a child as a single parent and whilst you appreciate that the reality is tough you also don’t currently feel able to cope with hearing about it all the time. It’s similar to discussing the challenges of labour or child rearing whilst someone is pregnant. You want to be honest but you don’t want to scare monger when someone has already made the decision.

She's being a good friend by giving you a window into how hard it is both financially and emotionally. Having a little human wholly dependent on you for everything is not something to do lightly even if you really want it.

Have you considered whether you can actually afford to be a single parent? There's an overwhelming biological urge to be a parent but it's not enough to get you through the grinding misery that parenting can be if you don't have enough money and/ or support to make it work.

You seem to think that all the problems a single parent faces are gone if they are comfortable financially. Which tells me that actually you really really don’t understand the stress of being a single parent.
I was widowed when my children were very young - the circumstances meant we were left pretty well off, but I was exhausted.
No one there to share worries with, no one to attend parents evening with, no one to back me up when an irate 7 year old refused to go to bed, no one to let me have a lie in on a weekend, no one to take over when I was ill, and no one on the planet who loved my children as much as I did.
I read something a while back about how you should be prepared as a parent to spend the rest of your life worried, and I think there’s some truth in that - harder too when there’s no one there at 3 in the morning to share your worries, or tell you that you’re being daft and everything’s fine.
My children are amazing, wonderful, young adults now, and I am often told they are a credit to me, which is lovely obviously, but it was fucking hard getting to this point.

I agree with PP, you don't get it - because you can't. (Single parent, 3 DC)

You need to separate it out - what your friend does, or her circumstances, are irrelevant to you.

You do need to practically think about how you plan to afford IVF and possibly bring up a baby alone, and how that will impact you financially - and emotionally. Bluntly, yes, it will be tough on £35k. Yes many two parent families only have that - but when you are on your own, everything falls to you, and that's the part that makes it hard.