To think my friend is using the single parent reason for things that affect all of us?

[Jeuggy]

I don’t know if I am being sensitive but I supported my friend through a horrific break up when her baby was only a few months old. It was awful for her and I was there for her every step of the way. She has emerged from it with her ex partner paying her mortgage (over 1k a month, they weren’t married) and landed a job paying over 50k for 3.5 days a week. When I helped her with relocating we worked out she had around 1,500 spare for food and fun stuff. I was obviously pleased for her as she has been through hell and this makes life easier.

Anyway, here’s the bit I’m struggling with. It’s a year on and her ex sees his child once a month. My friend understandably says looking after dc is a lot etc and she doesn’t have much help apart from when she’s in nursery and she’s working which I know isn’t actually a break. But… I’m about to have ivf alone as I am still single at 37. I know this probably plays into why I am so sensitive but every time we talk she says what a stretch it is to put her daughter into nursery an extra day here and there to mean she has spare time. She will say how alone she feels even though her daughter’s dad does buy things (I know it’s not the same as being an active parent day to day), but he’s also paying her mortgage!! It’s making me feel really scared about doing it alone when I will have no support in any way shape or form from anyone and with the cost of living crisis it’s stressful talking to her when I’m thinking well you have 1,500 SPARE a month!! I know it probably sounds like I am jealous and I really really do understand the stress of being a single parent but I am finding it so hard to be in her life while going through this process. I have spoken to her about it and she said I didn’t understand the stress of single parenthood and ‘all single parents struggle.’ Apparently because I am choosing this alone I don’t warrant the same understanding. I don’t want to lose her friendship but I feel so upset and conflicted about it all and it’s really driven a wedge between us at a time I need support myself. Am I being harsh to her? Am I mad for doing this alone?

It sounds like you are comparing your future self to her and feeling jealous. This is illogical and ultimately not something we should be doing with friends. She is having a hard time, yes she has some privileges but also some hardships. As do we all. Support her as best you can bearing in mind you are also going through a hard time. Stop comparing and seek support elsewhere if she's not able to provide it.

You don’t understand what it’s like to be a single parent, sorry but you don’t.

I am financially stable but I find it incredibly hard. It must be harder when you’re struggling with money but it’s just hard.

There is no way I would ever encourage someone I knew well to voluntarily go it alone, knowing what I now know.

Choosing to do it alone is very different to unexpectedly ending up alone. You’ve made the choice.

Financially, it’s going to be extra hard. That doesn’t mean your friend can’t then complain about her circumstances, it’s all relative.

Believe me, you don't. My best friend was a single parent and I spent a lot of time with her and the kids. I still didn't properly comprehend the stress and mental strain of being a single parent - until i was one myself. It's one thing that I genuinely think you can't understand unless you've actually been there, done it.

YABU she chose to have a baby presumably thinking her and her partner would be sharing the load. Things have changed for her and it’s hard. You don’t understand how hard it is for her, it’s not about money, it’s the mental load, the relentlessness and responsibility of looking after a small child with nobody to hand over too at the end of a long day when they have cried non stop or have been sick all over you and you just want to wash.

You are choosing to have IVF and go it alone. It will be hard. Should she pretend it’s all cute outfits and fun days out?

There's several points here that I have different opinions about.

The fact she's complaining about being a single parent; she is absolutely reasonable to do this, she didn't expect to be a single parent and sounds like baby's dad is hardly involved. So, aswell as holding down what is probably a high responsibility career (given the salary), she's having to do all the night wakings, illnesses, teething, different stages of development, figuring out why baby/toddler is crying this time etc, by herself. This is hard when there's two of you, can't imagine doing it all yourself with no breaks from your partner. Nursery is not a break from this, nursery does not make a dent in the sleepless nights.

The fact she's complaining about the finances of all this; she is being unreasonable. She knows you know her circumstances and how much she has to spare, so she's being a bit dense. You say she doesn't know how much you earn, maybe she has assumed you earn more than her and is trying a sympathy vote? Maybe next time she brings this up, you drop in to conversation your salary and let that sink in for her a bit?
Depending on where you live and your housing situation (do you own or rent? How much does this cost you?), I would say it's more than doable to live a comfortable life with one child on your income. You should be entitled to help with nursery fees.

The fact that she knows you want a child and will have to go through IVF to do this, I would say she's being completely insensitive to you and rude, seeing how much you supported her in the past. She sounds a bit like one of those friends who wants to be your bestie when it advantages them, but when you need the support they get defensive and suddenly still have all these 'issues', so couldn't possibly support you at this time.

When you have to take an alternative route to have children because things haven't gone to 'plan' for you, it's heart breaking. It's one thing to have a hard time financially/time wise, but still having the family you wanted around you. It's another thing completely to yearn for children so much and not being able to have them naturally. It's literally our biological purpose on this planet to procreate, so it hurts beyond words to not be able to do so. If she were a real friend, she'd be sensitive to that and not make everything about her all the time.

It's not the money. It will help if you're not wondering whether the mortgage will be paid, can you put the heating on and have you enough food, but it's so much more

Tiny newborn, straight after a long and difficult birth. Needs feeding at least every 2hours, and changing, and won't sleep unless held. You haven't had more than 90 mins sleep for days, you need to cook and eat too. No-one else to hold the baby while you sleep.

Baby appears to be ill - but how ill? Do you give Calpol, get a GP appointment, A&E or ambulance. No one to discuss it with - it's all down to you.

Tantrums, teething, vaccinations, which school, discipline, accidents, illnesses - it's all down to you.

Come on, OP, you must see how ridiculous this is? She's doing you a favour, giving you a taste of what the reality is - it's hard and even harder for single parents regardless of money. You're deciding to go into this and become a single parent, so if you don't like the dose of reality she's giving you, don't do it. It's not her responsibility to make you feel comfortable with YOUR choices.

Blimey £1500 is a lot to me.
Your friend is in a very good place financially, but it is daunting to be raising a child, mostly by herself

In your position, I would distance myself. She is not going to give you the support you need

I would also reconsider going through IVF yourself.
I am a mother, and I wouldn’t chose to do it alone, or at all given a second chance at life.

I think some PPs are being a little harsh to the OP here.

I was a single parent to my DD from when she was 15mo to 9 years. Yes, it can be really hard emotionally and at times feels isolating but oh my goodness it is so worth it! I'm so close to my 12 yo DD now! To be honest, I feel like I'm reaping the rewards from that hard slog!

OP you know yourself well, if this is something that you really want and you believe you have the strength of character (as alluded to above) to handle this journey on your own then don't let your friend steer you off course.

It's useful to have some insight into being a single parent as this will enable you to think and plan out how you will curate a support network, which will benefit both you and your DC. (It takes a village!)

Good luck!

If I am being honest I find that nobody understands parenting until they become a parent. Even people that raised their siblings, people that love children, teachers.

There is nothing that prepares you for being a parent - if there is, someone please show me. So when I have a rant about my life in regards to parenting I know that the people that truly understand are those that are going through it.

This isn’t a dig at you but parenting, whether single or not is hard - I have married friends that rant at me and I almost want to say “but I don’t have a person at home” but I cannot invalidate their experience - and so I listen and accept that they are struggling too. However for those of us that are genuinely happy about being parents, we also see that it’s such an amazing experience.

She probably isn’t doing it on purpose but often as parents we rant about our children, parenting. Getting our children to school is a daily time consuming task and also her baby dad seeing the child once a month isn’t actually regular.

Anyway if you are doing it alone I would advise having someone. Friends - you might find that she is that friend, I have a beautiful friendship group of single mums (sadly not by choice) and we get each other and help eachother out. I also have family that I would see as my daughters guardians who help me particularly with work and having a small life outside parenting.

The reality is that for those of us parents that are hands on, our children take over our lives and we have to find ways to Carve out space for ourselves.

You will be fine as a single mum - many do it. But we all need support. I would never advise anyone to have a child all on their own. Yes you can be a single parent but who else is there? Family? Friend? Aunt? One of the most undervalued quotes is “it takes a village”.

Sorry to disappoint OP but even with a partner it is so, so hard. If you have no support network then you will need to buy it which might not be possible if you have a low income. It is really important that you realise you know what you're getting yourself into

”all I take from that is it would be impossible for me”
there will always be people out there who are in a better and a worse position that you are. All you can do is be confident in your own choices. Going into single parenthood alone won’t be easy and if you’re struggling financial it will be 10x harder. Do you have a financial plan for childcare etc? If you have confidence in your own plan it shouldn’t matter what other people are doing.

I don’t agree with everyone giving you a hard time, or those saying ‘she is doing uou a favour’, from what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like she’s at all sensitive to your position. But if your friend having a higher disposable income than you is so unsettling I think you need to review your own options and make sure you are comfortable with your choices.

I think you are jealous, and I also think that's okay.

To be considering going it alone on £35k is a really tricky position. If you had, effectively, a sperm donor who paid you £1k per month, you'd be in a much better position.

I think maybe the friendship needs a shake up. Things are difficult for both of you in different ways, so it can't be a one-way provision of support any more.

Having a decent income helps but it doesn't take away a lot of the struggles of being a single parent. I think the biggest one is just the huge responsibility of doing it alone. Your child has chicken pox so needs a week off school/ nursery and there is no one to share the load. You've been up all night with a child who doesn't sleep and there's no one to give you an hour to yourself etc.

Would I choose to have a child with no family support? Absolutely not, I'm in a couple with no extended family and it's bloody exhausting (and expensive). You'll need the finances for extra support at some point I imagine if there's no one else and get plans in place if there's any reason you can't care for your child (illness/ accident)

I’m a parent but not a single parent. I have zero comprehension of what the daily trials of being a single parent are even though I know what it is to be a parent and I am friends with single parents too.

I think her reality is confronting for you because your reality is likely to be even more difficult. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, she is just giving you a more realistic perspective about what being a single parent is like.

Sometimes it's not the money, it's the worry and mental load. It's also not a competition. Maybe, as she's finding it so hard (and it is , being a single parent nearly broke me at times) she's trying to make you aware and make sure you really know what you are doing.

You don’t get it at all. That fact that you think you do just means you are in for a rude awakening.

Apologies if I'm replying wrongly, I've made an account to reply to this as usually I just lurk.
I've been both you and your friend, and I don't think your friend is being very supportive.
I also think a lot of the other replys are treating you like a naive teenager wanting a baby doll.

You've supported her enough for her to share finances you know how hard the parenting graft is. It could be she's got stuck in a "woe is me" mentality when actually she's got a going for her. But it is different going into it knowing your alone to being left.
Budget, be sensible and ask her for emotional support. Try and not focus on the financial disparity.

(I write after being left with a one year old, relocating, new job, custody and choosing to have my second as a solo mum.)

You'll have access to universal credit and child benefit if you rent you'll get even more.

A single parent with a mortgage earning
60k has less monthly spending money than
A
Single parents on 12k renting on universal credit. According to 'mothers at home matter'

You think she is making out she is struggling but SHE IS STRUGGLING. How she feels is how she feels it isn't about you. She has a job and some bills paid but that isn't the same as an actual coparent.

If you want to be a mum and your ready then go for it but don't project your fear onto your friend. It's a YOU problem.

Being a parent is hard. I'm a SAHM to 2 under 5. It's hard with a partner. I'm sure it's even harder without one. Things change and situations change. I have a partner now I might not have one later. We role with the punches and adapt.

That's really interesting - sorry to derail, but can I ask a personal question- how do you deal with one child having a dad and not the other? I wondered about having a second via ivf but that's a big fear of mine

It is difficult to be a single parent, but that is no reason not to do it. Good luck to you!

Yes, your friend is in a fortunate position financially and many people have an income lower than £1500/mo from which they need to pay all bills, mortgage, food, car and other expenses, so to have £1500/mo fun money is a very enviable position.

That said, she didn't sign up to do everything on her own, so she will have a lot of feelings of rejection, resentment and other emotions related to being left holding the baby. I feel that whatever your situation ends up being, you will know that it was the result of YOUR choices whereas she cannot say the same.

There are lots of things about being a single parent that it is impossible to fully understand until you are in that situation though. It is relentless and gruelling, and you will constantly be told that other people understand what it's like, but they really don't.

Weekends are lonely because most of your/your kid's friends are having "family time" with both parents. The housework is never done because there just aren't enough hours in the day compared to having one person putting the kids to bed while the other one tidies up. You may have to reduce your working hours to fit around childcare (income, career progression, pension pot all take a hit). When the kids are ill you have to take time off work and that isn't shared with another person (so work/career can suffer). You can't just pop out if you run out of milk - you have to take everyone to and around the shop. You can't see your friends as much because you have noone to watch the child(ren) and babysitters are expensive. If you are feeling rotten, you can't rest up in bed, you still have to get up and do everything. Everything takes a lot longer because it is only you doing it.

And yes, financially it is hard too. Not many single parents are able to find a job paying £50k for 3 days, and it is hard having to tell your children "no" when they want what their friends have or seeing all the extracurricular activities that their friends are able to do that are simply not affordable on (most) part-time wages.

But it is also very rewarding, and I am so, so glad I have my amazing, wonderful children in my life.

Exactly this

Op, it sounds like you have been a good friend.

I am a single parent, earning similar to you, who receives maintenance from her exdh, he has them EOW and a night in the week and we do all major child-related things together.

Compared to many single parents I probably 'have it easy', but this is my reality and I can't compare my life to anyone else's as this is the one I am living. It's hard. Not just financially, knowing I have no fall back, but my dc are teenagers now so every bad day falls on me because this is their home and where they return to every day, even on the days they go to their dad's. They know I make time for them when their dad doesn't. He can go away for a few days/a week without thinking about anyone else...the most time I get on my own is 2 days in a row. Even if I were rich, that wouldn't change.

Like your friend, I never planned or expected to be a single parent. My life is not what I imagined it would be before my ex had an affair. I know people have it worse but I am still allowed to mourn or be angry about what I thought MY life would be sometimes.

Yes, your friend is better off than many single parents financially but it doesn't make it easier for her to live her life.

Being comfortable financially doesn't mean your life is easy.

Best of luck with your ivf - I'm sure your friend will be there for you. Remember, comparison is the thief of joy x