To think my friend is using the single parent reason for things that affect all of us?

[Jeuggy]

I don’t know if I am being sensitive but I supported my friend through a horrific break up when her baby was only a few months old. It was awful for her and I was there for her every step of the way. She has emerged from it with her ex partner paying her mortgage (over 1k a month, they weren’t married) and landed a job paying over 50k for 3.5 days a week. When I helped her with relocating we worked out she had around 1,500 spare for food and fun stuff. I was obviously pleased for her as she has been through hell and this makes life easier.

Anyway, here’s the bit I’m struggling with. It’s a year on and her ex sees his child once a month. My friend understandably says looking after dc is a lot etc and she doesn’t have much help apart from when she’s in nursery and she’s working which I know isn’t actually a break. But… I’m about to have ivf alone as I am still single at 37. I know this probably plays into why I am so sensitive but every time we talk she says what a stretch it is to put her daughter into nursery an extra day here and there to mean she has spare time. She will say how alone she feels even though her daughter’s dad does buy things (I know it’s not the same as being an active parent day to day), but he’s also paying her mortgage!! It’s making me feel really scared about doing it alone when I will have no support in any way shape or form from anyone and with the cost of living crisis it’s stressful talking to her when I’m thinking well you have 1,500 SPARE a month!! I know it probably sounds like I am jealous and I really really do understand the stress of being a single parent but I am finding it so hard to be in her life while going through this process. I have spoken to her about it and she said I didn’t understand the stress of single parenthood and ‘all single parents struggle.’ Apparently because I am choosing this alone I don’t warrant the same understanding. I don’t want to lose her friendship but I feel so upset and conflicted about it all and it’s really driven a wedge between us at a time I need support myself. Am I being harsh to her? Am I mad for doing this alone?

Your friend is being a realist in her support for you. Would you prefer she made stuff up to make you feel better?

I don’t think you can ever understand how how life-changing becoming a single parent can be until you are one. Both in good and bad ways. I’m a single parent to a toddler (not by choice) and I genuinely love the dynamic of our relationship way more than when I was with my controlling ex, it is much harder financially, mentally, and physically.

Finances aside, cos I assume you’ve researched childcare costs in your area etc because that, I think, is the biggest expense. It can be very tough emotionally & mentally. You constantly have to be “on”, all the time, there’s very limited time to relax/slob out in front of the tv (which is something I miss lol), have a social life - even if you can afford a babysitter you spend your evening thinking about dc (I do anyway) and every hour you spend having fun you’re paying for!, it can be very lonely too. The more support you have from friends & family the better, and the more mum friends you can make the better. I think your friend is just voicing the reality of it, in her experience. You don’t have to take it so personally, it might be a totally different experience for you, everyone’s experience is different and everyone deals with parenthood differently. But one thing that it always is is HARD. Good luck to you though, you’ll never regret doing it, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives!

I think you should just be honest with her and say you want her to have space to vent about the stresses and strains of life but you're finding it hard to hear and overwhelming when you will likely have even more significant financial challenges, so could she please be a bit sensitive to that. I do think YABU though, good friends should be a safe space for others to vent and if she doesn't know your financial position how is she to know you're sensitive on this issue and upset with her? Saying she's rubbing your face in it feels a bit extreme.

I say this with kindness but it’s impossible to understand both the highs of parenthood and the sheer exhaustion, relentlessness and worry before being a parent. Seeing her parent only gives a small insight into what life is like. The reality is that even with a partner life with children is a non stop juggle. The bedtimes, tantrums, night waking, illness, decisions, the extra washing, cleaning, meals, working mum guilt and juggling day to day life is relentless, it never stops. You also have someone else whose needs constantly come before your own and the constant guilt of working, being exhausted and craving time to yourself. Money doesn’t take this away, it’s so hard to get a minute to yourself and I say this as someone with a supportive and hands on DH. My wealthier friends don’t have it any easier day to day than I do. As everyone does, you will absolutely cope as a solo parent and the amazing parts make everything so worth while but it’s an experience that you can’t truly comprehend until you’re there. Wishing you lots of luck with the IVF. I hope the replies on here give you some understanding of where your friend is at, as friends who have been there will be worth their weight in gold when you are also facing the juggle. While money makes a huge difference if you’re worrying about making ends meet and some difference if you’re hugely wealthy, it sounds like your friend is finding the lack of a second adult’s support the hardest thing.

TBH I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to sympathise with you being a single parent when that is a choice you’ve made.

Having IVF to have a baby is something you’ve chosen to do. You don’t have to do it, you may want to, but that doesn’t mean it has to happen. Whereas many people who are single parents are so because their partner has left them, perhaps because they’ve escaped an abusive relationship,

If you think you’re going to struggle financially then maybe having a baby isn’t for you. Your friend doesn’t owe it to you to not talk about her struggles just because you’re choosing the path she had no option but to go down.

Frankly I think it’s an insult to all those genuine single parents who had no choice in the matter to expect that kind of support.

And fwiw I think that anyone choosing to go throughIVF and have a baby and become a single parent is mad to even consider it.

What a stupid and uncaring post. But mostly stupid.

Mumsnet is littered with mothers moaning about how difficult their life is since they had children. We see threads popping up every day entitled ‘Regret becoming a mother’ or other such shit, and the majority are from women who have partners; should we offer no sympathy or empathy towards them because they chose motherhood? Or is it just the single parents by choice that deserve no compassion?

Also, fuck off with your ‘if you can’t afford children, don’t have them’ spiel. Children need a whole lot more from their parent(s) than material things. She earns £35k, not exactly a pittance. I’m sure she’ll just have to cut her cloth accordingly, as everyone else in the real world (and not those delusional people on MN who think anything less than a six figure salary is minimum wage) does.

Get a bloody life and have a word with yourself. Kindness costs nothing, but maybe you just can’t afford it?

Nothing prepares you for parenthood more than parenthood itself.

She may be doing well financially, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t having a hard time.

£1500 doesn’t support you at night when a sick child need comforting/tending and you can barely gets an hours sleep.

There is non-stop arranging, catering, listening- all sorts of mental, emotional and physical demands.

Dad visits once per month, so that’s 30 days being solely in charge and her time off work is likely spent doing all kinds of domestic tasks/ childcare, then back to work again.

It's good that she doesn’t gloss over the hardships, so you can make a clearer decision on whether you wish to take all that on, and with less finances (especially as you think money makes it a cushy number).

OP, it might be worth looking at some threads from single people who've done it alone and they might have good advice for you.
While I agree your friend's life is hard, I do think she is being insensitive. I find being a parent hard but I don't go on and on about it to my child free friends as I don't know if it's something they want (one is planning to go it alone). Wishing you good luck on your journey.

She's not 'making out she's struggling'. She is struggling. It's not supportive to say or imply her life is easy. I'm a parent and it's tough. I have enough money but I'm tired. I can't imagine being a single parent. Nonetheless it is worthwhile and its your choice.

However stop comparing. She isn't you. You will have your own perspective on things. You may wish to see her less and focus on your Ivf.

Oh no, what a ridiculous rant.

We all didn't choose difficult aspects of our situation. I didn't choose for my child to be ill but I did choose to have a child- no sympathy for me then.

Maybe OP wanted to meet the right partner and didn't- thats not their fault. Also OP isn't asking for your sympathy about becoming a single parent it's about the dynamic with a friend.

I’m a single mum by choice. As in, I wanted it this way, it wasn’t that I ran out of time etc, my son is Plan A 😄

Some people can be very… opinionated about DC children. It was the right choice for my family, I don’t want to be in a relationship and I love our little family unit. I have zero regrets. And not one single mum not-by-choice in my family has interpreted it as an F you to them lol. He gets all my attention and I don’t have to worry about also having to look after a partner.

The main issues are practical - you will need some kind of help, like family, a babysitter, nanny, nursery, etc so think about that in advance. I went in headstrong thinking I was going to do it all by myself but it’s hard. It really is. All worthwhile things are!

You really don't understand, op. Sorry to say. I don't claim to either. I have two small ones right now, no family around to help but a very supportive, equal parent in DH. I am already finding it tough, I don't know how I'd cope without the weekend lie-in after a night of being awake due to illness or teething, or without that evening walk to de-stress from the day. Your friend might just be trying to be honest with you, thinking she's helping

This is truly unhinged. Plenty of women choose to have children with utter pricks (or unmarried), I’d argue that’s more selfish than going it alone.

Of course the OPs friend had options, to be blunt, contraception, termination or adoption being some of them. Fair enough for her not to want any of those but it doesn’t make her any more deserving of sympathy or support than the OP.

I am truly sick of women with children berating childless women for becoming solo parents by choice yet no doubt on separate threads gushing about how their children are the best thing in their lives. Grow up and get some empathy for Christ’s sake.

As someone who followed the same path of you (nearly 18 years ago), I'd get off Mumsnet and go onto forums like SMC (Single Mother's by Choice - US website) which is oh so helpful. You'll be talking to people in the same boat as you: people thinking about it, trying to conceive, pregnant, and then parenting. It's incredibly helpful and supportive. Unlike loads of the people on here going on about how you can't possibly know what it's like until you do it - I disagree. It's exactly how I thought it would be and it's not as tough as everyone's made out either - I've never seen such an outpouring of parental hardship! By the time you've gone through IVF and got pregnant, having a baby in your arms is a daily blessing. Here's the advice I would give: have your baby, have your maternity leave, stay in touch with your friends (get them over to see you while the baby's sleeping), and go to all mother and baby activities so that you have company during the day. On the financial side, you do need to plan though. What IS the plan? £35K isn't going to stretch very far when it comes to child care so you've got to figure that out. Is your job flexible? Can you work from home - but even then who will tend to the baby? Can you get a higher paying job?? As for your friend she sounds a bit self absorbed and, given that she didn't choose single motherhood, everything probably feels more of a hardship to her as it's not what she hoped/expected for herself. Final words: go for it - and all the best.

Intentionally being a lone parent is completely different to being forced to be a single parent. She would have been expecting two incomes, two pairs of hands, a child who sees two parents regularly and a shoulder to cry on. Instead she has a bit of cash a child who in the future will feel the loss of having a parent who can only be bothered to see them once a month.

I was an intentional lone parent, its so hard, ita also very lonely at times, and actually quite sad that you have no one to share the joy of your child with, and your child only has one person to truly share joy with. It also wouldn’t have been possible for me on that income, nursery is expensive in the UK, wrap around care is expensive and often finishes too early to be useful, school holiday childcare is often only 9-3 and expensive. Get that financial plan absolutely water tight, especially as you’ll likely end up wasting leave for the school holidays on emergency childcare due to illness.

I’m no longer a lone parent, parenting with someone else and two incomes is a piece of piss.

I think she's trying to tell you its hard. I'm a single mother didn't plan on it but here we are. Financially we're good. But let me tell you Financially is just the start. You could be filthy rich and it will be hard. But in the end it's worth it and I hope you get that positive text soon!

@Jeuggy if you look at some benefits calculators online you may see that you are eligible for childcare via universal credit. That would help a lot in the early years.

Honestly OP you will be in for a tough ride if you're doing it alone, your friend is actually doing you a favour by giving you a reality check, financials are only the tip of it. Also, please think of the child as it's really unfair to choose to bring a child into the world that won't have a father and if you can't really afford it either. If you need to apply for benefits then you can't afford to have children

What same understanding though-you don't have a child yet? I'm sure single parenthood is hard for almost everyone, the fact you are actively choosing an even harder situation to raise a child in is not her fault and I don't think it should mean she can't talk about her own struggles.

How are you planning on affording everything including childcare OP? The blunt answer is you can't, unless you've got a relative who will step up reliably so you can go to work full time.

YABU.
Her ex sees the child once a month. Therefore she is a lone parent with no support for day to day mental load / stress/ responsibilities.
It's the loneliest job in the world at times and it's relentless. The responsibility all stops with that one parent.

You don't understand how it feels and everyone reacts differently to the pressure but don't discount her struggles