To think my friend is using the single parent reason for things that affect all of us?

[Jeuggy]

I don’t know if I am being sensitive but I supported my friend through a horrific break up when her baby was only a few months old. It was awful for her and I was there for her every step of the way. She has emerged from it with her ex partner paying her mortgage (over 1k a month, they weren’t married) and landed a job paying over 50k for 3.5 days a week. When I helped her with relocating we worked out she had around 1,500 spare for food and fun stuff. I was obviously pleased for her as she has been through hell and this makes life easier.

Anyway, here’s the bit I’m struggling with. It’s a year on and her ex sees his child once a month. My friend understandably says looking after dc is a lot etc and she doesn’t have much help apart from when she’s in nursery and she’s working which I know isn’t actually a break. But… I’m about to have ivf alone as I am still single at 37. I know this probably plays into why I am so sensitive but every time we talk she says what a stretch it is to put her daughter into nursery an extra day here and there to mean she has spare time. She will say how alone she feels even though her daughter’s dad does buy things (I know it’s not the same as being an active parent day to day), but he’s also paying her mortgage!! It’s making me feel really scared about doing it alone when I will have no support in any way shape or form from anyone and with the cost of living crisis it’s stressful talking to her when I’m thinking well you have 1,500 SPARE a month!! I know it probably sounds like I am jealous and I really really do understand the stress of being a single parent but I am finding it so hard to be in her life while going through this process. I have spoken to her about it and she said I didn’t understand the stress of single parenthood and ‘all single parents struggle.’ Apparently because I am choosing this alone I don’t warrant the same understanding. I don’t want to lose her friendship but I feel so upset and conflicted about it all and it’s really driven a wedge between us at a time I need support myself. Am I being harsh to her? Am I mad for doing this alone?

Apparently because I am choosing this alone I don’t warrant the same understanding.

Well to be blunt, she chose to have a baby without being married to the father so the odds of him sticking around were much lower and she’s lucky he’s doing the decent thing and financially providing.

(When I say lucky, of course the father should be contributing but sadly many do not, so she is luckier than others in that respect).

Exactly this.

I'm a single parent, not doing bad financially (but need to work full time). And it's so so so so fucking hard. It's relentless and can be draining at times.

But it's always the most amazing thing in the whole world. I've never known love and contentment like it. But. It. Is. Hard.

Many 2 parent families struggle with having time, personal space, childcare.....imagine having that doubled! I've lost track of the amount of my married friends/relatives with v supportive husbands who have said "why did you never tell me it'd this hard?"

As a single parent the hardest part for me isn't the money or the practical stuff. It's the mental load, the not being part of a team when you've had a really shit day and feeling the worlds worst parent - there's no one there to reassure you're doing your best and support and to have your back! It can be very very lonely regardless of how many great friendships you have - it's no where near having someone who is actively co-parenting in a loving relationship.

People don't want to hear it before having a baby, then moan they weren't told after.

Your friend is realistic and looking out for you. Would it be better if she told you it was all rainbows and sunshine until your baby is here?

This!!

My husband died 5 years ago. Whilst my kids were older when it happened, that in no way negates how hard it's been being on my own. Their mental health has been shot to pieces, especially the youngest, and covid compounded that. Not having that support to get through it has been soul destroying. House stuff, work stuff, you name it - when you're having to make all of those decisions alone, and not through choice, no amount of money can compensate.

Hi OP...I think you have to see it that she is telling you how hard it is. It really is, no question. Of course there are amazing times and I love my child to bits but it is bloody hard. She finds it hard I'm spite of all the help she gets. But you're two different people so it may be a breeze for you. I had IVF, completely alone, at a similar age. The circumstances were slightly different. It has been highs and lows all the way, I won't lie. You are responsible for absolutely everything and I mean everything. I assume your friend discusses things about their child plus she doesn't have the money worries. I would really really really think about it carefully which I'm sure you have done. As I say Id do anything for my child but if I'm honest, knowing what I know no, I'm not sure I would have gone ahead. Good luck x

Respectfully, you don't understand what it is to be a parent, single or otherwise, as you don't have a child.@

I meant to say discusses with the ex. I know having an ex is sometimes a nightmare but I'd like think there are some parents male and female still want what's best for their child

You'll never understand being a good parent until you are one. And it's so hard she's just being very honest with you. Stop being jealous. Also yes you don't earn enough. It's gonna be very tight. Also even with two you can still feel very alone. Me and the dad feel like passing ships as he works week days and I work weekends to make things work. So stop acting like you know everything when you haven't experienced. Just because you sat on the side lines watching someone struggling doesn't mean you get it. As someone raised by a single parent on little money, I admire my mother so much as I find it so hard now and I can't possibly understand how she got through it. You're being a bit of a tit if I'm honest

@Jeuggy what did your support look like?

what do you want support from her to look like?

I say this because I have had many people support me over the years, some more than others. Some would consider their support highly valuable. Was it that you were there for her? Babysat? Helped financially?

And then what do you feel you need from her? To be sensitive whilst you go through this? To not judge? To be there when you become a single parent?

I hope you can have an honest convo about that.

(just wanted to add this)

Beautifully put.

Do you have family support OP?

If you don’t, you really need to think if you are prepared for how lonely it will be not been able to go out till your child is in their mid teens.

Money does make things easier, it does. For a single parent, your friend does have a lot of advantages. Affluent, working part time.

I think you are reacting to your friend as she is making you face up to how hard it will be for you to be a single parent. And yes it will be harder for you. You need to stop focusing on your feelungs about your friend, and start focusing on if your life as a single parent is one you really want.

I think your friend is trying to warn you, I know you feel unsupported but we should tell our friends the truth and thats what she’s doing. it would be no good if she told you it’s great and it’s a breeze if it’s not the truth, you would later wonder why she didn’t tell you

This is what I thought. More people should probably be honest about the reality of parenthood.

No problem happy to share but not sure if it'll help. Second is six months old and big sibling is five so lots of conversations to come I know.
The big one accepts the little one doesn't have a daddy but a man&doctor helped mummy grow them. - I'm using the language advised by Donor Conception Network.
I'm hoping a strong sense of mutual family and honesty will give allow us to discuss and so neither feels lacking but also I accept every child thinks the grass is greener. At some point the older will feel jealous youngest gets to stay in one home with mum, and the younger will wish he had a known father figure. I can mitigate as best I can but it will happen.
I rationalized if I met someone then kids would have different dads and experiences, this way I at least can control the youngest child's experience more than a new relationship.
Eldest hates going to his dad's and adores baby.

But OP, only you honestly know your energy levels, your ability to deal with the lonliness, confidence to make decisions for your cchld day in day out - and your freind had your support initially: she wont be able to offer you the same level of support because she has dc who she is solely responsible for.

You see her doing well and she's worried that you dont see all the other times when she's at thevend of her tether.

YABU

And you’re being very selfish by planning to have a baby with no father.

Your friend is a single parent and is living what you will be living - she is telling you how difficult it is, even though she only works PT and has lots of money.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t listen to what she’s saying.

Children raised in single parent households are proven to be at a disadvantage.
You are choosing to have a child knowing they will be put at a disadvantage.

You have a decent income but it’s still not the same as having 2 incomes.

You say you have no support, so it’s going to be even harder for you and your child.
What happens if you die or become seriously ill?

A child needs to know that they are loved by both parents (even if one is a complete waste of space, not involved at all or dead).

Choosing to have a baby this way is very selfish.
Just get a cat.

I’m a single parent and money would absolutely make things easier but that’s not the hardest part of being a single parent.

It’s carrying the mental load 100% all of the time.
Even choosing a nursery or school is so much easier when you can have a quick discussion with someone about it.

You could probably afford a cleaner but it does mean everything else is 100% your responsibility.
So when you’re poorly and can barely get out of bed you still need to cook, clean, change nappies, make bottles etc.

Whenever there are posts about women getting pregnant with a ONS or man who’s left her, I am always honest about my experiences because I don’t believe in lying about something like this.

I feel like you are worried about what the reality of having a child will be for you if the IVF is successful. I actually agree that money makes a significant difference to how easy many things are. I would try to separate out your concern about this from your friend's situation (which is not really relevant). I would try to think in advance about how you will live in the early years. Eg will you be able to afford childcare or will you need to quit your job, how will you afford other outgoings, what benefits will you be entitled to and will they cover your expenses etc. There's no point being surprised by this stuff so you may as well go in with your eyes open. Good luck.

I echo other posters here that I don't think you get it and you seem fixated on the money

I am with my DH, we have 2 DC and between us earn £100k. We have enough to put aside savings each month. BUT we still umm and err about extra days in nursery, how much to spend on presents, whether to get new or second hand bike.

This year alone we've had to replace our car, the boiler broke, had a leak in our bathroom needing new shower and flooring... That money gets used up very quickly. And each time we use it, it's a little less for DCs education fund etc

And even in a 2 parent family, it is tiring, I am tired ALL THE TIME. I come down with viruses the kids get ALL THE TIME. Sometimes at the weekend I just want to scream into a pillow as it is so relentless. And that is with an extra parent. The money does nothing to ease that and your friend is doing it alone

If you're undergoing IVF presumably you've budgeted for maternity, childcare when you're back at work, thought about a support network etc. And if you've thought all this through and done the work then whatever your friend says shouldn't put you off. But she's not wrong in what she's saying

My DD went down the same route as you, OP, IVF that resulted in beautiful twins. However, she made sure she had a good support network around her, close friends and we live a few doors away. However, there is no doubt it has been hard for her. Twins are now teenagers, and most of her close friends have moved away so I think she does get lonely at times. Would she make a different decision knowing what she knows? Never.

I have a supportive and quite hands on DH. We have no family nearby and childcare is very expensive. We are both finding it exhausting looking after two kids. We don't have much money. Still that rather than be a single parent. It must be hard.

Single mum by choice here :) I think the dynamic between single mums and our single-with-no-kids friends can be a bit weird, and I would try not to read too much into her comments. It can just be hard to see your friends "footloose and fancy free" when you have so much on your plate, so comments can come out the wrong way.

Previous posters are right in saying that being a single mum by choice is totally different to being someone who has broken up with their partner and been left with the kids. As a SMBC you expect things to be hard work from the start but you're willing to go for it.

Bringing up a kid on your own isn't all about the money, but money gives you more options to pay for things that can make your life more convenient (babysitting, the odd takeaway when you're tired...). However, having a supportive community around you is REALLY important. You need a couple of numbers in your phone that you can call when you are ill/the kid is ill and you need something from the pharmacy - or just so that your kid has a relationship with adults other than yourself. I found I got a lot of support from friends a little older than me whose kids have already left home but aren't yet grandparents.

Good luck with it. It's very full on but immensely gratifying :)

I agree with this. You can’t fully understand the stress of a parent unless your one or perhaps if your a carer of older person would be similar. The exhaustion is a major issues and then you a constant mental load of a whole other person.

I’m not a single parent. I can emphasise but it’s not something that I can fully understand.

I’m a bit shocked by the responses, clearly I am being unreasonable. I’m very sensitive about the ivf process and feel quite vulnerable but perhaps she is just trying to make me aware and it’s harder than it looks on the outside.

This is exactly what she's doing, I imagine. She could also just be venting, and you may appreciate venting together if/when you're in the same position. Try not to take it personally, but actively listen to what she is saying and look logically at your position. Learn from her hardships, and this could end up being good preparation for you so you can do all you can to make it less hard (although it will still be hard regardless).

Op...it is harder than you can ever imagine, joyful but hard, there's no two ways about it.

Hiya OP

I have no opinion on your friend’s circumstances but wanted to come
on here and reply to your concerns about whether or not raising a child on £35k will be ‘impossible’. In short, absolutely not. It’s more than doable, and I say this from experience.

I am a lone parent and my salary is just a touch above yours. While not a single parent by choice as you’re planning to be, I went into parenthood under no illusions that my child’s father wouldn’t be around or prepared to contribute financially. My child is almost two, I’ve done it all alone and, for the most part, it’s been bloody brilliant.

Now, that’s not to say that there haven’t been days, nights, weeks that I’ve been thoroughly exasperated with it all. And exhausted. And overwhelmed. But parenting really isn’t this torrid existence that a lot on here would have you believe. It’s relentless, absolutely, but it’s not an insurmountable challenge. You just have to have grit and determination, and when you don’t, don’t worry because the little bleeder isn’t going anywhere so you just have to get on with it anyway 😂
When they’re ill and are stuck to you, and won’t stop crying or whinging, and then when you’re also ill but you just don’t get any time off from being mum, it’s really really bad. That was my lowest ebb and I hated my life for that week. But I survived and baby thrived. You just get on with it because you have to.

Financially, yes it’s tough for me. Life is a bit of a fun vacuum where money’s concerned as I have to know where every penny is going each month, but it’s doable. One of the many brilliant things about children (at least when they’re little) is that they don’t give a flying fuck about fancy things. The local farm or a week in a Haven caravan is just as enthralling as a trip to CBeebies Land or Disney for the first 3/4 years, and beyond that well, you’ll just have to be good at planning ahead and managing expectations. Money isn’t important to children, but on your income (which is by no means low btw, as some idiot upthread suggested) money will be at the fore of your mind for a good chunk of the month.

Make sure you check all of your entitlements though. My take home pay is about £2200 but with that I get over £900pm from UC, and then child benefit which most people
get. So make sure you have a look at that.

Help from family and friends is important but, again, I’ve managed without that. Nobody has ever had my child overnight for me, or looked after them for more than maybe 5 hours on the very occasional Saturday, and I live to tell the tale. I did know this was going to be the case though when I decided to continue with my pregnancy so you’ll have to consider whatever circumstances are applicable to you, and I’m sure you will/have.

If will be tough but it’ll also be wonderful as long as you go into it with your eyes open. The good really goes outweigh the bad, but the bad can be horrendous.

You won’t regret it. And the money will be what it is. Stop looking at other people’s circumstances though. It’s literally pointless. Just focus on you and you’ll be grand. You’ll have to be.

I wish you the very best xxx