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Original poster

To think my friend is using the single parent reason for things that affect all of us?

121 replies

Jeuggy · 05/12/2023 09:00

I don’t know if I am being sensitive but I supported my friend through a horrific break up when her baby was only a few months old. It was awful for her and I was there for her every step of the way. She has emerged from it with her ex partner paying her mortgage (over 1k a month, they weren’t married) and landed a job paying over 50k for 3.5 days a week. When I helped her with relocating we worked out she had around 1,500 spare for food and fun stuff. I was obviously pleased for her as she has been through hell and this makes life easier.

Anyway, here’s the bit I’m struggling with. It’s a year on and her ex sees his child once a month. My friend understandably says looking after dc is a lot etc and she doesn’t have much help apart from when she’s in nursery and she’s working which I know isn’t actually a break. But… I’m about to have ivf alone as I am still single at 37. I know this probably plays into why I am so sensitive but every time we talk she says what a stretch it is to put her daughter into nursery an extra day here and there to mean she has spare time. She will say how alone she feels even though her daughter’s dad does buy things (I know it’s not the same as being an active parent day to day), but he’s also paying her mortgage!! It’s making me feel really scared about doing it alone when I will have no support in any way shape or form from anyone and with the cost of living crisis it’s stressful talking to her when I’m thinking well you have 1,500 SPARE a month!! I know it probably sounds like I am jealous and I really really do understand the stress of being a single parent but I am finding it so hard to be in her life while going through this process. I have spoken to her about it and she said I didn’t understand the stress of single parenthood and ‘all single parents struggle.’ Apparently because I am choosing this alone I don’t warrant the same understanding. I don’t want to lose her friendship but I feel so upset and conflicted about it all and it’s really driven a wedge between us at a time I need support myself. Am I being harsh to her? Am I mad for doing this alone?

OP posts:
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/12/2023 10:51

I agree with PPs saying you don’t get it because you’re not a single parent. I didn’t get what being a parent was like until I was one. How could I? Witnessing it is not the same.

I have a very hands on DH who well and truly does his fair share but it’s still bloody hard. We don’t earn loads of money so that is a constant stress too. Parenting is just hard!

TomatoSandwiches · 05/12/2023 10:53

She is being a good friend by being very honest about the realities of having a child and being a single parent.

Respectfully op, you very obviously do not get how hard it is and you won't until it happens to you and only then will you realise she was being supportive.

What you seem to want in support is for her to white wash the experience she has had and sugar coat it all for you, that's a really immature and naive stand point.

I say this as someone who has had a supportive husband who has raised a 16yo, 11yo & 7yo along side me.

queenMab99 · 05/12/2023 10:54

Would you prefer her to gloss over the difficulties and tell you it will all be fine?She is supporting you by being honest about what the situation is like, in reality. Tha fact that she has more money than you is irrelevant, surely you have looked at what your budget will be and how you will manage.

Allaboutthepeople · 05/12/2023 10:54

As a single parent the hardest part for me isn't the money or the practical stuff. It's the mental load, the not being part of a team when you've had a really shit day and feeling the worlds worst parent - there's no one there to reassure you're doing your best and support and to have your back

There are plenty of married women who don’t have this either. Some married women have all this and a partner to battle against. And that’s hard too.

We can all idealize that path we are not on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2023 10:55

To think my friend is using the single parent reason for things that affect all of us?

I’m still not sure what you mean by your first question. She’s a single parent, you want to be a single parent. What are the issues you think affect everyone? Rising costs?

It’s also not clear what support you feel she could give you but isn’t. Do you wish she’d stop being negative about being a single parent as you feel it’s undermining your own plans? Do you wish she’d stop complaining about being skint when she’s got more money than you have? Or is there something else?

Vanillabourbon · 05/12/2023 10:55

It's not just having to cope on one income for everything, it's having to budget, having to make all the decisions, if they go wrong, its all on you. Having to juggle full time work with keeping the house going, repairing things, remembering every single random thing they need for school this week. Budgeting for school trips, after school clubs & hobbies. Having little to no time for yourself. It can be relentless, it's worth it because I am raising the most amazing girl and she fills my life with joy and happiness. But don't think for one second that any single parent has it easy.

Dishwashersaurous · 05/12/2023 10:56

It is harder, much harder than you can ever imagine.

But as you are planning on going solo I assume that you've throughly thought everything through and planned it.

Eg finances. That you can cover thr cost of nursery.

Back up plans. Eg if you have a c section and can't lift anything for six weeks you will need practical support at home. Who.is going to provide that

If the worst happened to you, who would have the child etc

Etc etc

If you've planned and thought everything through, then why are you letting the fact that she's finding it hard get you down?

That's the question you need to answer

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2023 10:57

How long is her ex going to pay her mortgage btw, it’s an unusual settlement and either official in some way or at the mercy of his goodwill and either way it won’t be forever.

Allaboutthepeople · 05/12/2023 10:57

I also think some people are not being honest about the huge benefit having money is. Sure, it doesn’t solve all issues, but it sure helps with a whole lot.

Not having enough money is hugely time consuming. No cleaner, no takeaways, no buying food whilst you are out so having to pre make it all and pack it, no ready meals/ prepared foods, having to regularly visit charity shops instead of ordering online. And on and on. And not having the terrible mental burden of constantly planning and worrying and guilting about not having g enough money.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2023 10:58

She’s telling it how it is. Money is neither here nor there.

Alohapotato · 05/12/2023 11:00

You are not a single parent yet as you are not even pregnant, you'll see later how hard it is but you choose it and your friend didn't choose it. Also your friend needs his ex permission for things related to their children bit you won't need to ask for permission to relocate, change schools , traveling etc..

Nonimai · 05/12/2023 11:02

At 37, I made a choice to keep a baby when I was on my own. I was earning min wage but had about 20k in the bank and low bills/mortgage. Financially i coped with nursery , it was when he started school that the school holidays sunk me. Every school holiday was an organisation nightmare and I was at risk of losing my job. However we got through and having children was the best decision I made.

MorrisZapp · 05/12/2023 11:03

I've got a brilliant, hands on DP, no money worries at all, and loads of friends and family nearby.

I had pnd due to the shock of the demands of being a mother. I'm absolutely fine now but even with teenage DS there are still days when arrangements fall apart, crises arise and I could weep with frustration.

It's just hard.

Allaboutthepeople · 05/12/2023 11:08

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2023 10:58

She’s telling it how it is. Money is neither here nor there.

It really, really is.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2023 11:15

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:58

Allaboutthepeople · Today 11:08

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 10:58

She’s telling it how it is. Money is neither here nor there.

It really, really is.

Hmm, I disagree. Been very hard up and quite well off over the decades. That didn’t affect the day to day stresses of caring for the children by myself with no family while my husband worked away from home for years. Emotional strains and physical tiredness made a much bigger impact than finances.

Kittenkitty · 05/12/2023 11:17

Being a single parent will be hard on your income, your friend isn’t obliged to pretend it won’t be. When I do things like take the bin out at night and leave the little one in the house, or when I’m feeling ill I always worry a little bit what if something happened to me, the little one would be alone until someone raised the alarm. So even putting a bin out is different when you’re a single Mum. When I went to an NCT group as a single Mum once we met up with partners and babies for a lunch, guess who had to go to the bar to order their meal with the men. Everything’s different when you’re doing it alone even the things that really aren’t a big deal are different.
Thats not to say you shouldn’t do it but you really can’t understand what it’s like till you’re doing it.

IcedCoffeeLoverh3 · 05/12/2023 11:19

Supporting your friend through a difficult time just isnt the same as living it, it just isnt.

Financially wise... of course 1500 will make life slightly easier for her and her child ( slightly! ) but that doesnt change the mental load does it? Every single decision in her and her childs life falls on her shoulders, even with whatever help she has, ultimately she is still on her own raising her child. It is extremely difficult and although extra money is always helpful, it still doesn't change that shes doing this by herself when she never planned on doing it like that

If your worried about your own financial situation and ivf/future baby then I'd reconsider until you no longer have those fears around finances.

I doubt shes rubbing your face in anything because you are not in the same situation at all, shes had her child, is already raising it. Your not pregnant yet. How can she rub your face in somthing when your lifes are not comparable yet?

I think somthing else underlying is bothering you and instead of focusing on whatever it is you've subconsciously decided to place some sort of blame on your friend,

Weddingblues23 · 05/12/2023 11:20

Jeuggy · 05/12/2023 09:16

@TheBeesKnee ive never shared my finances with her, I only know hers because she was in such an awful situation and I helped her through it

Well if she doesn't know your finances then she can't be rubbing her own situation in your face. If she's a friend then she definitely should support you through IVF, and perhaps she could be more sensitive in how she positions her advice about what single parenting is like, but that support shouldn't involve lying to you and saying it will all be a breeze. I find parenting absolutely fucking exhausting and I have a husband to share the burden with - I can only imagine how much harder it would be to do it solo. Wishing you the best with your journey - my love for my kids is indescribable and I don't think you will regret it, even if it stretches you to breaking point.

swuahies · 05/12/2023 11:20

Allaboutthepeople · 05/12/2023 10:54

As a single parent the hardest part for me isn't the money or the practical stuff. It's the mental load, the not being part of a team when you've had a really shit day and feeling the worlds worst parent - there's no one there to reassure you're doing your best and support and to have your back

There are plenty of married women who don’t have this either. Some married women have all this and a partner to battle against. And that’s hard too.

We can all idealize that path we are not on.

If you've got a partner that you "battle against" why are you with him? Presumably you think it's a better option than being single parent 🤷🏻‍♀️

Missingmyusername · 05/12/2023 11:21

Agree about it not being a competition.
It’s all relative, no matter how much you earn, people always want more, it’s never enough. She probably begrudges having to use her ‘fun money’ to pay extra childcare.
For you it’s having to face this alone, maybe the reality of it. Just all couple of years ago £35k was pretty decent, perfectly manageable depending where you live. These days not so much. Friend is going through a break up, she is single and earns £35k.
She won’t be able to buy her partner out and can’t buy a house, not in this area and certainly not a 4 bed. Either she gets a flat, shared ownership house, or moves away and gets a car. Starting all over again. She wanted children, that may not happen now, she doesn’t leave the house so I can’t see her meeting anyone, even if she wanted to.
The ex had a cat, with a long term condition, it’s now HER cat (she loves him). She’s spent loads on the house, which was her choice. She doesn’t want to leave the house, but has no choice.

It doesn’t matter if your friend wins the lottery, it won’t change your situation. You can only manage your own affairs. This is what happens when people discuss money- you’d probably rather not know, not because you’re jealous but because you start comparing….

CocoPlum · 05/12/2023 11:30

Lots of us go into parenthood on less money. Of course finances help - knowing you can heat the house this month while it's freezing and still have enough for food and Christmas etc ... it all takes the weight off. A.friend and I have similar discussions - because I am a single working parent with an ex who gives a generous amount per month, with universal credit/salary, I'm more comfortable than her, financially.

But she now lives with her new partner and she isn't doing everything alone. She can go out for the evening or go shopping and not have to make complicated plans for who is having the kids while she's out. The housework is split between them, she doesn't have to cook every night as soon as she stops working. Someone else can drive the kids to their activities or pick them up or help them with homework. When she's ill, she doesn't have to drag herself out of bed to get them off to school.

I'm sorry that life may not have worked out how you might have planned and I hope you have success with the IVF. Being a single parent by choice or by someone else's decision though is not just hard because of finances. It's bloody relentless and it's all on you.

Orangeandgold · 05/12/2023 11:31

Jeuggy · 05/12/2023 10:43

I’m a bit shocked by the responses, clearly I am being unreasonable. I’m very sensitive about the ivf process and feel quite vulnerable but perhaps she is just trying to make me aware and it’s harder than it looks on the outside.

@Jeuggy I think you are being unreasonable in how you are processing what she is saying to you.

However you are allowed to be sensitive. You are not being unreasonable for being sensitive but it is not your friends fault. Her ranting about her own life shouldn’t make you feel bad or that she is doing it on purpose. If it does then I think you should distance yourself whilst you go through the process or tell her how you are feeling and ask her to be a little more sensitive until you feel better.

You are lucky in a sense that you have another friend that is also a single parent, that friendship will most likely be so important should you also go down this route.

Like many have said I do not think you will ever understand parenting until you become one. That is mainly because it is a huge lifestyle shift in every aspect possible and lifetime commitment (at least you can divorce or split with a partner!) and well there is no escaping it (I do love being a parent by the way the goods outweigh the bad!) but nothing - not even raising my sister from a young age or seeing my mum as a single mum prepared me for what it was really like xx

Soon you will be ranting and also celebrating motherhood just like your friend haha

cauliflowerwaterfall · 05/12/2023 11:31

I’m a single mum of a DCC so I can sympathise with both.

When I was going through my fertility journey I didn’t involve anyone who was going to pop my bubble because I guess I didn’t want to be told how hard it would be at the time. I didn’t want realists.

Now DS is 13 months old and I don’t regret it even for a second. It’s a love like you’ve never known in your life. And there are loads of wonderful things about being a single parent: being in control for example, being able to focus on just them.

But it is also HARD. Harder than you think it’s going to be. During the newborn phase you’re getting woken up after maybe 30-90 minute cycles of sleep every night for months with no end in sight. It’s wrong to even call it groundhog day, it’s groundhog hour lol. They go through a phase where they wake up and cry every time you put them down. It gets easier as they grow older and get more independent but I still need a lot more help than I expected. I have to take PTO while my son is at nursery just for a bit of sanity downtime!

My advice is like… don’t necessarily burst your bubble (it’s exciting and wonderful) but maybe let a tiny bit of air in. Parenting is rewarding but relentless and it’s good to plan who will “help” you. It can be family or hired help if you can afford it.

Nowherenew · 05/12/2023 11:46

Jeuggy · 05/12/2023 10:43

I’m a bit shocked by the responses, clearly I am being unreasonable. I’m very sensitive about the ivf process and feel quite vulnerable but perhaps she is just trying to make me aware and it’s harder than it looks on the outside.

You obviously have not thought this through at all.

Just wanting to hear the positives is not going to help you.

She sounds like a good friend who is just being honest with you.

Have you ever done foster care work?
Or even babysitting for more than a week at one time?

Why not ask your friend if you can babysit her child for 2 weeks and see how you get on.
You’ll enjoy it but there will be times when it’s difficult.

The difficulties you will face as a single parent, will be a million times harder than the difficulties you face as a babysitter.

Nowherenew · 05/12/2023 11:49

Allaboutthepeople · 05/12/2023 10:54

As a single parent the hardest part for me isn't the money or the practical stuff. It's the mental load, the not being part of a team when you've had a really shit day and feeling the worlds worst parent - there's no one there to reassure you're doing your best and support and to have your back

There are plenty of married women who don’t have this either. Some married women have all this and a partner to battle against. And that’s hard too.

We can all idealize that path we are not on.

Most people in relationships share costs or housework/gardening/mental load.

If someone lives with a partner who contributes nothing then they should leave.

Most people in relationships have easier parenting experiences because they’re not carrying the mental and physical load 100% all of the time.

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