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Original poster

Friends who always bring their teenager

502 replies

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 13:42

Ok so I have a situation. Our close friends have 2 teenage daughters, the oldest is 18 and quite independent but the 15 year old comes with her parents everywhere.
At first our 7 year old son and her had a lovely relationship as she was only 13 when we first met and she didn’t mind hanging out him while the adults talked.
Now she’s 15, she almost ignores him and just sits with us and eats all the food, barely talking to anyone.
How do we politely ask them not to bring her? It’s so tricky as we always have our son with us because he’s so young but he’s quite happy to watch TV by himself while the adults chat.

OP posts:
Splety · 04/12/2023 16:45

The intolerance of teens on this thread is depressing. Just wait til your angelic ickle bubs are teens! They are still people.

personally, I bloody love teens. Much maligned, much misunderstood. Perhaps more of an effort is required! Sounds like the adults are behaving worse than the teen tbh, selfish certainly.

Scruffington · 04/12/2023 16:48

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:45

The intolerance of teens on this thread is depressing. Just wait til your angelic ickle bubs are teens! They are still people.

personally, I bloody love teens. Much maligned, much misunderstood. Perhaps more of an effort is required! Sounds like the adults are behaving worse than the teen tbh, selfish certainly.

Yeah, but during adult social occasions can't they be people in the other room?

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2023 16:48

Parentslife · 04/12/2023 14:59

Thank you, yes she would also come to the meal out at a restaurant!
I think she wants to come - I mean we really like her! But you know…adult conversation.
I think it will have to be a pub next time 😂

Edited
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Oh that's just ridiculous!

Do they go nowhere without her?

Glittertwins · 04/12/2023 16:51

Can the 15yr old not stay at home as it sounds like she doesn't want to be there either?

Nonoatchristmas · 04/12/2023 16:51

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:45

The intolerance of teens on this thread is depressing. Just wait til your angelic ickle bubs are teens! They are still people.

personally, I bloody love teens. Much maligned, much misunderstood. Perhaps more of an effort is required! Sounds like the adults are behaving worse than the teen tbh, selfish certainly.

With all due respect, get a grip. Your teens are wonderful, to you. Just like when they’re kids, we all think our kids are the best, funniest little darlings there are - but when adults want adult conversation and ‘friend time’ they’re entitled to that without having some ‘I think I’m so grown’ teen hanging around. It’s not intolerant, it’s just not everyone has to pander to that one friend who thinks everything revolves out their kids.

itsallabitofamystery · 04/12/2023 16:52

Perhaps there's a reason they can't leave her at home, something that they haven't disclosed to you? Perhaps she doesn't like to be left. She might be anxious. There might be safeguarding concerns such as self harm or mental health problems. Speaking from a mum who once went through this. I told only those who really needed to know. I didn't want to tell all my friends that my 15yo couldn't be left as they might harm themselves - even though from the outside you wouldn't think there was anything "wrong". Sometimes there are reasons children can't be left, no matter how old they're getting or how boring it may seem.

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:56

Nonoatchristmas · 04/12/2023 16:51

With all due respect, get a grip. Your teens are wonderful, to you. Just like when they’re kids, we all think our kids are the best, funniest little darlings there are - but when adults want adult conversation and ‘friend time’ they’re entitled to that without having some ‘I think I’m so grown’ teen hanging around. It’s not intolerant, it’s just not everyone has to pander to that one friend who thinks everything revolves out their kids.

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With all due respect (nice PA btw) my grip is good thanks. I’m not referring to my teens, who can be horrendous. If you’re in possession of any teens you’d know that other people’s teens are invariably more amiable than your own.

Another suggestion might be to dilute the evening further by inviting another few couples also with teens/children. That’d put the cat amongst the pigeons.

CharlotteBog · 04/12/2023 16:56

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:45

The intolerance of teens on this thread is depressing. Just wait til your angelic ickle bubs are teens! They are still people.

personally, I bloody love teens. Much maligned, much misunderstood. Perhaps more of an effort is required! Sounds like the adults are behaving worse than the teen tbh, selfish certainly.

Nah.
I love my teenager. It's just me and him at home. I do A LOT for him (as is my responsibility). I am still a PERSON. I do not need or want to be with my son all the time. He feels the same. My adult friends are very important to me. My relationship with them is very different to the one I have with my son.
This does not make me intolerant.
I say hello to his mates when they're on speaker phone. I don't expect to sit in on their conversations. That doesn't make my son rude or intolerant.

Oh and I have an adult son for whom I made the same amount of 'effort'. I'm pretty sure our relationship would not be the same if he had sat in on our book clubs when he was 14.

BrimfulOfMash · 04/12/2023 16:57

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:45

The intolerance of teens on this thread is depressing. Just wait til your angelic ickle bubs are teens! They are still people.

personally, I bloody love teens. Much maligned, much misunderstood. Perhaps more of an effort is required! Sounds like the adults are behaving worse than the teen tbh, selfish certainly.

I love teens too!

We have had, still have, outings, camping trips, BBQ’s, Sunday lunches, New Year Day parties that are ‘whole family’.

But when we invite the friends of our generation to dinner it is understood it’s adults. Just as if one of the teens has a party the adults don’t rock up and cramp their style.

HamBone · 04/12/2023 16:57

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:45

The intolerance of teens on this thread is depressing. Just wait til your angelic ickle bubs are teens! They are still people.

personally, I bloody love teens. Much maligned, much misunderstood. Perhaps more of an effort is required! Sounds like the adults are behaving worse than the teen tbh, selfish certainly.

Eh? I get on well with my teens and their friends but it doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes want to socialize separately.

This actually reminds of a comment DD made last year-apparently the Mum of one of her friends always hangs out with their friend group when they go over to her house…and everyone wants her to go away. How can a group of teenagers have a relaxed chat when a 50-something Mum won’t give them some space?!

tara66 · 04/12/2023 17:01

Perhaps friends actually bring DD because they don't want to hear all the stuff you ''can't say in front of 15 year old''?! What is it exactly she is not supposed to hear?

Nonoatchristmas · 04/12/2023 17:01

Splety · 04/12/2023 16:56

With all due respect (nice PA btw) my grip is good thanks. I’m not referring to my teens, who can be horrendous. If you’re in possession of any teens you’d know that other people’s teens are invariably more amiable than your own.

Another suggestion might be to dilute the evening further by inviting another few couples also with teens/children. That’d put the cat amongst the pigeons.

Show quote history

Ohhhh, I get you! My mum also wanted to seem like the ‘cool mum’ to other teens. ‘Oh you’re so interesting and nice, unlike my teens’ whilst we all cringed.

Please don’t invite more teens into this op, it needs nipping in the bud not made worse.

Splety · 04/12/2023 17:01

I’m not saying that they shouldn’t socialise separately. The obvious suggestion is to go out but I guess babysitting for the 7 yr old isn’t easy.

Splety · 04/12/2023 17:02

Nonoatchristmas · 04/12/2023 17:01

Ohhhh, I get you! My mum also wanted to seem like the ‘cool mum’ to other teens. ‘Oh you’re so interesting and nice, unlike my teens’ whilst we all cringed.

Please don’t invite more teens into this op, it needs nipping in the bud not made worse.

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Erm, nope! I meant more that might well put the teen off coming!

aliceinanwonderland · 04/12/2023 17:04

pastaandpesto · 04/12/2023 16:36

It's not just you! I find it gobsmacking that so may posters won't admit that having children and teenagers hanging around means that their parents can't chat freely. Of course, it can be great fun hanging out with teens and adults together, bit it is not in the least bit the same. Some examples of topics that I would want to talk to my friends about but categorically not my or their teenagers -

  • a recent cancer scare
  • worries and frustrations about my aging parent (their grandparent)
  • concern about my job security
  • coping with my DC's mental health issues
  • .... the list goes on

Am I supposed to not talk about things which I really, really would value my friends' support with, so that a teenager can learn a lesson in how to socialise?

When we have adult friends over, my teens and tweens will often join us for a drink and a chat, but I absolutely expect them to allow the adults to have time alone and will tell them in no uncertain terms to piss off if they hang about too long. Or suggest that next time they have their friends over, I'll insist on joining in.

Show quote history

Yes this is spot on! So many people think that “adult “ conversation is about sex and whilst it could well be, the vast majority of the time it’s issues which we don’t want teenagers knowing about ( as you say concerns about elderly relatives/ the teenager’s own mental health/exams, money worries). These things can be inferred and a seven year old won’t pick up on them, but a 15 year old certainly will and if discussed will relay it to grandparents etc. So one ends up avoiding anything which one might want advice/input/moral support on.
Likewise the term wouldn’t want their mum sitting in on their friendship groups and cramping their style

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 17:06

I love teens and they are frequently included in trips and evenings with other teens when all the other adults have bought into that.

But sometimes you want adult chat with your friends - as do they I’m sure! Bet they would just love it if you went and plonked yourself down on their bed in their bedroom when their pals are over to hang out!

Also there’s lots that is really not for their ears. Currently we are supporting a friend whose younger teen is going off the rails you can’t do that with a peer of hers sitting their ears flapping.

MelsMoneyTree · 04/12/2023 17:07

Do you have space to set up a different room for her eg adults in the kitchen, she's in the living room or vice versa? Then you could set up food and drinks for her and funnel her off with a tv/PS/whatever entertainment you have that might appeal to teens.
Or would it be worth suggesting to your friends that their DD brings a friend with her next time because it's obviously no fun for her sitting listening to adults chatting? Either they will bring a friend and then you can separate out the spaces or they'll realise their DD is bored and leave her home.
Tbh I do remember being dragged along to my parents' friends' houses at that age and just sitting being bored and eating biscuits. I could quite easily zone them out so I wouldn't worry too much about her listening to your adult conversation Grin
If neither of these suit then just meet in the pub from now on but accept you'll meet less often because you'll all need childcare (presumably if they thought they could leave their DD at home, then they would already).

Jewnicorn · 04/12/2023 17:12

mantyzer · 04/12/2023 15:17

@Jewnicorn does your DD think these are also her friends? Because you need to be saying clearly these are my friends. And just like I do not come and sit with you and your friends all the time, you should not always come and sit with my friends. She needs to understand boundaries and you are doing her no favours not teaching these.

I think that’s half the problem. She does think they’re her friends and my friends are far too nice and will insist she stays so it turns into me ‘not wanting her.’
(There are other things going on for her at the moment which are making it difficult to be as blunt as I’d like to and also making her very clingy and needy, more so than am ‘average’ 15 year old)

Fionaville · 04/12/2023 17:14

It's a tough one, because she's still a child and you have a child, so it's not a child free night. But she's too old to have a babysitter, so they are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't ask them not to bring her and spoil the friendship. Give it a few months/a year and she probably won't be coming with them anyway.
I'd make lots of suggestions for things she could do while the adults talk, gaming system or "Why don't you go and relax in the living room?" Type of thing, hopefully the parents will get the hint.

MrsMerryMistletoe · 04/12/2023 17:16

tara66 · 04/12/2023 17:01

Perhaps friends actually bring DD because they don't want to hear all the stuff you ''can't say in front of 15 year old''?! What is it exactly she is not supposed to hear?

Things like the time her Mum was pissed and she took her top off in the pub ? How much she irritates her Mum and Dad at times? The list is endless...

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 17:28

Also you are someone else with your friends in the evening letting your hair down speaking freely after a few drinks and you are not on “mum duty” which basically you are in the presence of your 15 year old.

AshtonAshley · 04/12/2023 17:34

Make more food. I hate stingy hosts!

But having the teen around the table is incredibly irritating. We have an Xmas event coming and one friend is insisting on bringing her 13y old. She is wealthy but won’t spend cash on babysitters. They are a very enmeshed pair.

I would just set up a separate dining area. Why don’t some parents see how annoying this is.

Flamingos89 · 04/12/2023 17:47

Don’t say anything

15 is an awkward stage for all teenagers, not quite fully independent, but wants to be. Probs has to tag along with parents still but considers herself more of an adult than a child. Gosh I remember being so grumpy 14-16.

Your child will be there aswell in 7years time and I’m sure you would be very upset if someone made you feel like they didn’t like your wonderful, but probs awkward teen.

In a few more years, trust me…. She won’t want to come anyway and will be with her friends.

Dont ruin the relationship with your friend in the meantime!

Vinrouge4 · 04/12/2023 17:56

Our teenage daughter went through a phase of coming out with us when she was too old for a babysitter but didn’t want to stay home alone. Our friends would normally let her sit in a bedroom with a tv and watch Netflix or a dvd with a bowl of snacks. Nobody ever minded. It only lasted a short time.

ToDoListAddict · 04/12/2023 18:07

I have this issue with my friend and her 15 year old daughter. We'll arrange a meet up and then she'll say her DD wants to come.

She is lovely but will dominate the conversation or her mum will be talking about relationship issues she's having right in front of her and it's just so awkward. I feel like she shouldn't have to hear that sort of thing about her parent's relationship.

Then at some point her DD will get bored and want to go home but my friend will just continue chatting and we have to hear constant interjections from the teenager of "can we go home now?!"

I don't have any solutions to offer but I totally sympathise.